These songs were judged based on how lame the song was musically and contextually. Originally I want to keep it to movie but I didn’t. Hunchback versions like Secret of the Hunchback, Jetlag, or Enchanted could have dominated this List but that a little unfair as they are very much the worst of the worst that everything about them is crap. So I’m limiting their amount. I pretty must keeping this movie version with one exception because it’s my list.
10. A Guy like You, Disney
Compare to the other songs on this list, this is a masterpiece. However when you compare it to the other songs in the Disney movie, it’s really BAD. The song builds up Quasimodo’s confidence only to have it crash down right after this song. However the way this done is by focusing on Quasimodo’s look and not his personality which is contrary to whole point of everything in this movie. However the music, singing and lyrics are all decent.
9. The Bells all Ring, Enchanted Tales
I once read a comment on this song that it lowers intelligence and yeah it’s pretty damn stupid. It comes out of nowhere and somehow this is the love song for Esmeralda and Quasimodo who just met. But the bell imagery fits. So while it is indeed very very stupid it’s harmless it won’t impact your intelligence too much.
8. Fa Fa Fa Fallen in Love, Hunchback II
This song is just a big ball of weird confusion. It is both pedantic and stupid and it proves it doesn’t understand the characters. First, it uses words like roundelay and madrigal but then it has lyrics that go “Oh, Wow” and has “Fa La La La” in the title whatever intelligence and cleverness it was trying to get out the big words is wasted. But my annoyance with this song is because it’s Quasimodo who have fallen in love and how big a deal it is that “Love has nailed him” and “Love’s derailed him.” It really should be Madeline (the girl) who has been derailed. Quasimodo’s life goal has been to be love so love can’t nail him or derail him when he has been working and hoping that this will happen to him.
7. Take your Cares and Toss Them, The Secret of the Hunchback
One of the most infamous songs in The Secret of the Hunchback is the Gargoyles’ song. The Gargoyles’ song is infamous because the gargoyles sing “doo-wa” in a jazzy manner while wearing sunglasses and playing instruments. Oh it’s idiotic. The context is Quasimodo is imagining the gargoyles are cheering him up. So while it’s kinda of works in way it just an excuse to get a singing gargoyle in the movie. The whole thing is a failure of execution but so is the rest of the movie. I will say that this song does a better job of telling Quasimodo that he is awesome. In fact “you’re awesome” is an actual lyric. It’s lame but given the movie it’s not surprising.
6. Frollo’s song, The Secret of the Hunchback
If Jafar and Gaston had a love child it would be this version’s Frollo. In The Secret of the Hunchback, Frollo is the sheriff of Paris or something. His motivation is he wants the gold of Notre Dame and as this “villain song” implies he is going to use it to take over the world. So yeah his motivations are generic and confused much like this song. Musically this song feels all over the place and ends with Frollo going very low which feels weird and out of place. But I give the singer some credit as he says “Forte” correctly, so that is something.
5. Si Tu Pouvais Voir en moi (If you could see inside me), Notre Dame de Paris (2001)
While I do think another song Notre Dame de Paris is worst, I excuse it since it is a bridge song. This song was a bridge song before they turned it into Quasimodo’s judgmental song. This song was not original to the show. Originally it was a bridge song for a Frollo song but instead it’s Quasimodo singing about Esmeralda being shallow for not noticing his pure love and the other guys lustful intensions. The thing we got all that from “Belle” (one of the greatest hunchback songs ever) and it’s just plain out of character for Quasimodo to sing those things. And considering it’s short and musically it’s only a few chords getting the character wrong is a major issue. And to make matters worse this song doesn’t even have to exist as it’s a replacement song. I realllllllllly HATE this song.
4. Love is Everything, Jetlag
Love is Everything is ending song for the Jetlag version and boy oh boy is it a lazy piece of exploitative deleted. Quasimodo sings about how love is awesome and he’s happy to be in love and to be loved Blah blah blah how many songs are like this? But they use the tune to “We Three Kings” which makes zero sense. At least it’s not a national anthem which some of the lazier Hunchback song use. Overall this song is lazy, stupid and boring.
3. Dance to the Music of Paris, Enchanted Tales
This song is the opening song for Enchanted Tales. Unlike The Bells all Rings this song attacks your intelligence. First the song has no clue what time period the story takes place it. It uses the Can-Can as the melody. But this song is a cesspool of horrific lyrics. Lyrics like “Oui Oui,” “ooo la la,” and “the food is delicious, it’s pure gastronomy but don’t ask what’s in it because it’s Paris mon ami.” They also rhyme Rhythm with Rhythm. They also repeat a TON of clips not in this part but throughout this version. This song is so complex in its awfulness that I can not even express it properly.
2. I’d Stick with you, Hunchback II
I’d Stick with you is a buddy song between Quasimodo and Zephyr (Esmeralda & Phoebus’ son). It’s Zephyr posing a stupid scenario that if he was covered in glue would Quasimodo still be his friend. Oh My Goodness, is that Stupid. The song is just to show Madeline that Quasimodo is nice. The song has this sing-song way about it makes you want to hit mute. The lyrics are awful, half of them are set-ups so they can rhyme with “stick”. It bad, really bad but there is one song that out stupids it.
1. Magic in your heart, Enchanted Tales
This song….this song…….(cries) what fuck is is this? So ummmm, Melody a.k.a Not Esmeralda, has been arrested and sentenced to die and to make herself feel better she sings this uptempo abomination. She starts imagining that items in her cell came to life and start dancing around. Items like hay, iron bars, and stone blocks. She also gives instruments to mice. Considering that she can make instruments come to life with annoying personalities, I find it hard to believe that this only her imagination. But the song has no purpose in a Hunchback version. I mean I guess it shows her character but Not Esmeralda never showed a personality other than blandly nice so there is no point to this. I mean she doesn’t seem at all concern that she is going to die. The lyrics are crap, the visuals are stupid, context is shit, and the singing is grating.
Get all these movies and witness the awfulness yourself;