Bride Wars picture image

Bride Wars

At last, we come to the low hanging fruit. This movie hangs so low of that it’s on the ground, really this movie doesn’t seem like a challenge to review. I’m talking about the 2009 travesty known as Bride Wars. Really, this movie is so bad that Nostradamus himself predicated its coming. Ok no, that is giving this shit-poo too much credit and it’s not the worse movie in the world, it only has a 10% on Rotten Tomatoes when Happily N’ever after has a 4% and Alone in the Dark has 1%, so where not in that area of totally ass-ness but we venture close, very close.

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) at the wedding planners Bride Wars picture image

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) at the wedding planners

The movie is about childhood friends Liv and Emma. Both have a happy memory about having tea at the plaza in June and seeing a wedding, they both decide at the tender age of young girl that they both want to have June weddings at the Plaza. So they both Live in New York City and Liv (Kate Hudson) is a perfectionist control-freak lawyer who somehow lost her parents or something, the movie doesn’t really fleshed that out and Emma (Anne Hathaway) is a people-pleaser middle school teacher.

Both have serious boyfriends and both become engaged at the same time. Both go to the same wedding planner and they are told there are three spots at the Plaza in June, two on the sixth and one 27th. So Liv takes the 6th and Emma 27th but OH the plot, there was a mix-up and they are both on the same day Nooooooooooooo! So because they don’t really want to ruin their ideal wedding dreams, they start attacking each other in girly-bitch methods like getting one fat, rumors, embarrassment, messing with tanning and hair dye and full-on wedding fight. They pretty much reconcile when Emma, who had been having friction with her fiancee decides on their wedding day to call it off. SO Liv gets married and Emma doesn’t but at the end she marries Liv’s brother and they find out they are both pregnant a year later, hello sequel that never happen.

Liv (Kate Hudson) with blue hair Bride Wars picture image

Liv (Kate Hudson) with blue hair

Ok. number ONE, the plot of competing best friends could have and should been handled before they were even told. Second, it was a breech of contact and they had the right to sue. Third, why the fuck didn’t the other bride just switch? She would have been operating under the assumption her wedding was the 6th and not the 27th. The plot just rest on something that is stupid and fixable but the movie wants to spend more time on women acting like selfish bitches.

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) catching a bouquet Bride Wars picture image

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) catching a bouquet

The movie also tries to justify Liv and Emma acting like children. First they both have this idea that any wedding that isn’t at the Plaza in June it is beneath them but they wrap this up in Liv and Emma having reasons for their attachment. Liv’s excuse is that the Plaza was the happiest memory from her childhood, and yes that is a better reason than Emma’s who has just been saving up for it though she makes less money than Liv the Lawyer. But also Emma is a people-pleaser who can’t really say no, so she wants something for her.

So they both think they are justified BUT they both could have had it they had taken better action in the first place. And REALLY is June  important? I can understand the location but the month? Some months aren’t good but they made it seem like June was the fucking end all be all and not the person they were marrying.

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) Bride Wars picture image

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway)

Briefly let’s just talk about the guys, Liv’s boyfriend just gives in to her and pretty just chill, I forgot his name. Emma’s guy, Fletcher is overbearing and just wants Emma to be a sweet little person with no emotions or that is how the movie wants us to view him because we can’t feel sad when him and Emma break up to allow for Liv’s wedding. Also Emma ends up with Liv’s bother of whom gets like two scenes with Emma and exhibits no personality, so match made in heaven I guess.

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Liv's groom cutting their "Trendy fusion" cake Bride Wars picture image

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Liv’s groom cutting their “Trendy fusion” cake

Now we talk about the weddings. The most ironic thing about this movie is that wedding that is not in June and not at the Plaza is better looking than Emma’s and Liv’s dream elitist weddings. Granted, we didn’t see that wedding only the reception. I forget what their themes were but Emma was something like minimal romantic and Liv’s was trendy fusion but the two decors didn’t match. Emma’s was like black with roses and not like fun Victorian gothic a la Phantom of the Opera but like just ugly and dour. Liv’s was just like gold tones, which I think looked prettier but it wasn’t trendy fusion and futhermore WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Romantic minimal yeah I get that but Trendy Fusion? Fusion with what? Do you have  like mason jars with like Indian wedding deatils mixed with Cherry Blossoms? I’m so confused. Everything about Liv’s wedding SCREAMS traditional and not at all trendy or Fusion.

Their wedding looked like shit and they played $350 plus taxes per person for that venue. Gah F this movie its ear.

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) in their wedding gowns Bride Wars picture image

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) in their wedding gowns

Then we have the gowns. Both were designed by Vera Wang. Ok, first this movie makes the claim that Vera Wang gowns are so wonderful, that you don’t alter the gown you alter yourself to fit the gown. First this was supposed to be for giggles and a Liv’s gained 5 pound pay-off but so the fuck-of-sake that is the just elisted bullshit that Vera Wang herself said was dumb, and this shit was giving her free adverstiment but really she doesn’t need it. So f-you short girls, you better figure out how to grow seven inches so you can fit into this overpriced gown, may be you could stench yourself.

But the gown themselves, Liv’s tulle ballgown was overrated. It’s pretty standard as wedding dresses go. I mean there is nothing really to it other than sheer volume. Emma’s wedding gown is much better BUT in the context of the story it was her mother’s wedding gown which means now I have to do MATH, I so hate this movie. So let’s just say Emma is roughly late twenty to early thirties and for this let’s just say she is 28 given the college being ten years ago lines, This would mean that she was born roughly early 80s‘ about 1981 or 1982. This means her parents could have been married anywhere from 80 to sometime in the 70s and let’s me just say, NO WEDDING GOWN FROM THAT TIME LOOKED LIKE EMMA’S FUCKING WEDDING GOWN YOU DUMB FUCKS! Just google pictures. Good GOD, really I can’t like Emma’s gown on a contextual level and I don’t like Liv’s gown on a personal level.

 

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) after bride bitch fight Bride Wars picture image

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) after bride bitch fight

Bride Wars sucks as it just elitist bullshit about two horrible women doing terrible things to their best friend because f-you my wedding day.

One Thought on “Bride Wars Review; If your wedding isn’t in June at the Plaza you might as well just kill yourself

  1. Esmee on 06/18/2015 at 2:39 pm said:

    When I first saw this movie, I wanted to like it and it was one of those rare chick flicks that looked good in the trailer. Maybe it’s because I don’t get the whole “I need to drop a shit load of money on this wedding” mentality…when I was engaged a year ago, I wanted to wear my favorite tank top and jeans and get married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator-so is this really what being a normal engaged/wedding planning female is like? I can see trying to drop of few LBs before the big day and wanting to be the best version of yourself, but seriously do other women go through all this stuff and freak out over it? If someone dyed my hair blue, I’d think “awesome! It’ll make the day that much more memorable”. Honestly the only part I liked of this movie was “You do not alter Vera Wang. You alter yourself to fit Vera!” Or something like that, because for a while I was into fashion and eventually wanted designer stuff and that line reminds me of that time in my life.
    Otherwise, I just found this movie boring and the main characters aren’t honestly friends-they’re just in competition with one another all the time; to me a real friend would be supportive and compromise in some way about the date/location/dress and stick to that compromise.

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