This was a list I originally made as a Squidoo lens but Squidoo is now defunct and it just didn’t seem like a page for Hubpages, not sure why though but I think it just better suited for the blog, so here we are.

Painting of Esmeralda and Djali by Wilhelm Marstrand

Painting of Esmeralda and Djali by Wilhelm Marstrand

Victor Hugo’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame (a.k.a Notre Dame de Paris) is known as a tragic tale of love, lust and tragic destiny. But despite the dark tones of the book, there are some very funny parts. This is a list of some of the funniest scenes in the book.
(in order how they occur in the book)
Please note, these scenes are funnier as written in the book and chapters may differ pending on translation.

Gringoire in the Court of Miracles by Celestin Francois Nanteuil  picture image

Gringoire in the Court of Miracles by Celestin Francois Nanteuil

Gringoire vs The Court of Miracles
Book 2 Chapter 6 “The Broken Pitcher”
Gringoire accidentally stumbles into the Court of Miracles and he is to be hanged because for trespassing. Gringiore tries to convinces them that as a poet he’d make a natural thief. They put him to a test which involves him standing an a ricky old stood with one foot, while trying to steal money from the “Bell Boy”; a dummy covered with bells. If he can steal the money without ringing a single bell he is in but he fails. In a last ditch effort Gringoire is offered to the women of the court for marriage. If he marries one of the women he’s safe. This deal suits Gringoire fine. The women berates him for being too poor and too thin. In the end Esmeralda takes pity on him and marries him to save him, which wounds Gringoire’s vanity.

Quasimodo at the Pillory. Illustration by L.H. de Rudder 1844 picture image

Quasimodo at the Pillory. Illustration by L.H. de Rudder 1844

Quasimodo’s Trial
Book 6 Chapter 1 “Ancient Magistracy”
Quasimodo is put on trial for kidnaping Esmeralda, distrubing the peace and resisting arrest. His judge is Master Florian Barbedienne, who like Quasimodo is also deaf. Master Florian doesn’t want people to catch on to this so he just pretends to hear people and passes judgement regardless. With Quasimodo he asks him a question and since Quasimodo can’t hear the question he just stand there while Master Florian pretends to have hear what he didn’t say.

Gringoire balancing a chair in this teeth 1844 picture image

Gringoire balancing a chair in this teeth 1844

Gringiore explaining himself
Book 7 Chapter 2 “Showing that a Priest and a Philosopher are Two Different Persons”
After Frollo sees Gringoire with Esmeralda, he starts questioning him on what he doing entertaining the crowd with balancing a chair in mouth and why he is hanging out with Esmeralda. He explains the wonders of his jaw and how it brings him money and that Esmeralda is wife in name only. Gringoire doesn’t despair that she doesn’t love him because Djali (the goat) likes him. Once again Frollo asks him if he has ever touch her and Gringoire asks he meant Djali the goat.

 Claude Frollo in his cell by Francois Joseph Aime de Lemud picture image

Claude Frollo in his cell by Francois Joseph Aime de Lemud

Jehan asking his brother for money
Book 7 Chapter 4 “Anarkh” and a bit from chapter 5 “The Two Men Dressed in Black”
In this chapter Frollo’s younger brother, Jehan comes to visit him. Jehan is a spoiled good-for-nothing mooch who only visits Frollo to get some money. Frollo is very disappoint that Jehan turn out so poorly so he disinclined to giving him money so Jehan has to turn on the charm. Jehan claims he needs money for charity, so that he and his friends whose names mean “Slaughter” and “the Rook” can buy a widow’s child clothes. When Frollo doesn’t buy his lie he say that he wants to go to a brothel. Jehan then ask for money for food and Frollo asks him about his studies which he really doesn’t brother with and Frollo repeats in Latin “He who will not work shall not eat”. Jehan ask for money for boots but Frollo says he will give him boot but no money. After a lecture about how Jehan on a path to the gallows Frollo hears someone coming and Frollo asks Jehan to hide in the stove and Jehan say his be quite for money which Frollo gives him. In the next chapter while Jehan is hiding he finds crusty bread and moldy cheese and eats them so loudly that Frollo claims it’s his cat to his visitor.

Lemud Illustration of Frollo picture image

Lemud Illustration of Frollo

Phoebus and the Goblin Monk
Book 7 Chapter 7 “The Spectre Monk”
Phoebus is about to meet Esmeralda when he runs in to a Spectre (some translation have it as “Goblin”), it’s really just Frollo but Phoebus is none to bright. Frollo calls Phoebus a liar when Phoebus says he is meeting Esmeralda. Phoebus doesn’t take kindly to being called a lair and challenges him to a dual. Frollo reminds Phoebus of his rendezvous and reassures him that he’ll kill some time soon but he really should keep his date. Phoebus wants to duel and go met with Esmeralda but eventually agrees with Frollo to postpone the duel. Phoebus then say he doesn’t have money, Frollo gives him the money on the condition that Phoebus hide him in the room, which Phoebus is more than okay with. Of course SPOLIER, in the next chapter Frollo stabs Phoebus.

Esmeralda & Phoebus Illustartion picture image

Esmeralda & Phoebus Illustartion

Phoebus wooing “Smeralda”
Book 7 Chapter 7 “The Advantage of Windows Overlooking the River”
This scene is where Phoebus and Esmeralda meet and Phoebus tries to put the moves on Esmeralda who is resistant. The scene ends with Frollo stabbing Phoebus and Esmeralda passing out. So the ending isn’t funny but Phoebus and Esmeralda’s banters is. Esmeralda is talking about marring Phoebus and he is tell her lies about how they don’t need to get married when they’re so in love but here the really funny part, Phoebus can’t remember her name. He keeps calling her “Smeralda” “Esmenarda” and “Similar” (may differ due translations). Her reaction to this is that she’ll change her name to whatever he prefers.

If you guys like this kind of post I can do more posts like this. Let me know.

These songs were judged based on how lame the song was musically and contextually. Originally I want to keep it to movie but I didn’t. Hunchback versions like Secret of the Hunchback, Jetlag, or Enchanted could have dominated this List but that a little unfair as they are very much the worst of the worst that everything about them is crap. So I’m limiting their amount. I pretty must keeping this movie version with one exception because it’s my list.

10.  A Guy like You, Disney

Gargoyles A Guy like you Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Gargoyles A Guy like you Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

Compare to the other songs on this list, this is a masterpiece. However when you compare it to the other songs in the Disney movie, it’s really BAD. The song builds up Quasimodo’s confidence only to have it crash down right after this song.  However the way this done is by focusing on Quasimodo’s look and not his personality which is contrary to  whole point of everything in this movie.  However the music, singing and lyrics are all decent.

9. The Bells all Ring, Enchanted Tales

 Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

I once read a comment on this song that it lowers intelligence and yeah it’s pretty damn stupid. It comes out of nowhere and somehow this is the love song for Esmeralda and Quasimodo who just met.  But the bell imagery fits. So while it is indeed  very very stupid it’s harmless it won’t impact your intelligence too much.

8. Fa Fa Fa Fallen in Love, Hunchback II

Madeline and Quasimodo Fa la la la Fallen In Love Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney 2 Sequel

Madeline and Quasimodo Fa la la la Fallen In Love Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney

This song is just a big ball of weird confusion. It is both pedantic and stupid and it proves it doesn’t understand the characters. First, it uses words like roundelay and madrigal but then it has lyrics that go “Oh, Wow”  and  has “Fa La La La” in the title whatever intelligence and cleverness it was trying to get out the big words is wasted.  But my annoyance with this song is  because it’s Quasimodo who have fallen in love and how big a deal it is that “Love has nailed him” and “Love’s derailed him.”  It really should be Madeline (the girl) who has been derailed. Quasimodo’s life goal has been to be love  so love can’t nail him or derail him when he has been working and hoping that this will happen to him.

7. Take your Cares and Toss Them, The Secret of the Hunchback

Gargoyles sing to Quasimodo,The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Gargoyles sing to Quasimodo,The Secret of the Hunchback

One of the most infamous songs in The Secret of the Hunchback is the Gargoyles’ song. The Gargoyles’ song  is infamous because the gargoyles sing “doo-wa” in  a jazzy manner while wearing sunglasses and playing instruments. Oh it’s idiotic. The context is Quasimodo is imagining the gargoyles are cheering him up. So while it’s kinda of works in way  it just an excuse to get a singing gargoyle in the movie. The whole thing is a failure of execution but so is the rest of the movie.  I will say that this song does a better job of telling Quasimodo that he is awesome. In fact “you’re awesome” is an actual lyric. It’s lame but  given the movie it’s not surprising.

6. Frollo’s song, The Secret of the Hunchback

Frollo singing, The Secret of the Hunchback, picture image

Frollo singing, The Secret of the Hunchback

If Jafar and Gaston had a love child it would be this version’s  Frollo. In The Secret of the Hunchback, Frollo is the sheriff of Paris or something. His motivation is he wants the gold of Notre Dame and as this “villain song” implies he is going to use it to take over the world.  So yeah his motivations are generic and confused much like this song. Musically this song feels all over the place and ends with Frollo going very low which feels weird and out of place. But I give the singer some credit as he says “Forte” correctly, so that is something.

5. Si Tu Pouvais Voir en moi (If you could see inside me), Notre Dame de Paris (2001)

 Gio di Tonno as Quasimodo, Notre Dame de Paris Itlaian  version picture image

Gio di Tonno as Quasimodo, Notre Dame de Paris Italian version

While I do think another song Notre Dame de Paris is worst, I excuse it since it is a bridge song. This song was a bridge song before they turned it  into  Quasimodo’s judgmental song. This song was not original to the show. Originally it was a bridge song for a Frollo song but instead it’s Quasimodo singing about Esmeralda being shallow for not noticing his pure love and the other guys lustful intensions. The thing we got all that from “Belle” (one of the greatest hunchback songs ever)  and it’s just plain out of character for Quasimodo to sing those things. And considering it’s short and musically it’s only a few chords getting the character wrong is a major issue. And  to make matters worse this song doesn’t even have to exist as it’s a replacement song. I realllllllllly HATE this song.

4. Love is Everything, Jetlag

Quasimodo and Esmeralda embrace Jetlag version Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Quasimodo and Esmeralda embrace

Love is Everything is ending song for the Jetlag  version and boy oh boy is it a lazy piece of exploitative deleted. Quasimodo sings about how love is awesome and he’s happy to be in love and to be loved Blah blah blah how many songs are like this? But they use the tune to “We Three Kings” which makes zero sense. At least it’s not a national anthem which some of the lazier Hunchback song use. Overall this song is lazy, stupid and boring.

3. Dance to the Music of Paris, Enchanted Tales

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda,Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame  picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

This song is the opening song for Enchanted Tales.  Unlike The Bells all Rings this song  attacks your intelligence. First  the song has no clue what time period the story takes place it. It uses the Can-Can as the melody. But this song is a  cesspool of horrific lyrics. Lyrics like “Oui Oui,” “ooo la la,” and “the food is delicious, it’s pure gastronomy but don’t ask what’s in it because it’s Paris mon ami.”  They also rhyme Rhythm with Rhythm.           They also repeat a TON of clips not in this part but throughout this version. This song is so complex in its awfulness that I can not even express it properly.

2. I’d Stick with you, Hunchback II

 

Quasimodo and Zephyr I'd Stick With You Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney Sequel 2 picture

Quasimodo and Zephyr I’d Stick With You Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney

I’d Stick with you is a buddy  song between Quasimodo and Zephyr (Esmeralda & Phoebus’ son). It’s Zephyr posing a stupid scenario that if he was covered in glue would Quasimodo still be his friend. Oh My Goodness, is that Stupid. The song is just to show Madeline that Quasimodo is nice.  The song has this sing-song way about it makes you want to hit mute.  The lyrics are awful, half of them are set-ups so they can rhyme with “stick”.  It bad, really bad but there is one song that out stupids it.

1. Magic in your heart, Enchanted Tales

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame  picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

This song….this song…….(cries) what fuck is is this?  So ummmm, Melody a.k.a Not Esmeralda, has been arrested and sentenced to die and to make herself feel better she sings this uptempo abomination. She starts imagining that items in her cell came to life and start dancing around. Items like hay, iron bars, and stone blocks. She also gives instruments to mice.   Considering that she can make instruments come to life with annoying personalities, I find it hard to believe that this only her imagination. But the song has no purpose in a Hunchback version. I mean I guess it shows her character but Not Esmeralda never showed a personality other than blandly nice so there is no point to this. I mean she doesn’t seem at all concern that she is going to die.  The lyrics are crap, the visuals are stupid, context is shit, and the singing is grating.

Get all these movies and witness the awfulness yourself;

Disney/Sequel Blu-Ray

The Jetlag Version

Enchanted Tales

The Secret of the Hunchback
Notre Dame de Paris (Please Note- The song on the list isn’t in this version)