Diary of a Chambermaid picture image

Diary of a Chambermaid

They say time is the most value thing because you can never get it back and yet my time worthless and yet I still wouldn’t waste it on whatever this thing was.  I’m going to be real with you, I didn’t finish it. It takes me a lot to stop watching something when I started especially when it a mere hour half movie.  Need I remind everyone who reads this blog, I have sat through and watched all the Disney sequels and I think this was far worse BUT why?

Léa Seydoux as Célestine Diary of a Chambermaid picture image

Léa Seydoux as Célestine

Here are few reasons;

There isn’t a single interesting or likable character. I COULD have quit too early, not sure I made it past the 30 minute mark, but no one pulled me into the narrative. The main character seemed like a calculating bitch and not even a interesting bitch, I can take a bitch character but Célestine was dull, pretty but dull.  Everyone else was their criminally unlikable or even duller that Célestine, if such were possible.

The tone of the movie was weird. It seems like it a sex comedy and/or a battle of the classes. I don’t want to say I don’t get French humor as there have been French comedies I have found funny but maybe it’s I don’t get Edwardian style French humor. After the ferret scene I had to turn it off, I saw it coming but scen seem like it was going to prove me wrong but no, rich people suck . Maybe if the film was working for me  I might have gotten however it but no.

The directing. WHAT the heck, god did the director of this love tracking shots.  Half of what I saw of the movie was just following Celestine around. Oh seem how she walks around the garden? Isn’t it thrilling? Intriguing? I honestly don’t know what feeling it was trying to convey. It seemed more suited for a thriller movie or intense movie BUT an Edwardian comedy that has a dildo in a box that’s main function was a source of embarrassment as custom official forced some lady to open the box in a crowd of people? What? Movie, you’re drunk!

Léa Seydoux as Célestine Diary of a Chambermaid picture image

Léa Seydoux as Célestine

Yeah so I didn’t  bother with this movie you can if you want but I don’t recommend it. They ONLY reason I could aside from liking the book would be if you’re a fan of Léa Seydoux and you want to watch the whole of her filmography. Otherwise skip.

 

Side Note – To someone why watched this or even read the book, is there a dairy in it? Or is the title a liar?

Becoming Jane picture image

Becoming Jane

Groans, just so many groans on this movie. When I first saw Becoming Jane  I didn’t have any strong opinions of it in fact I hardly remember it aside from it being about Jane Austen and her unrequited love. Apparently this movie exists to showcase where Jane Austen got her inspiration from but she isn’t Frida Kahlo, her movie narrative is much like her book sans the interest.

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen & James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy Becoming Jane picture image

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen & James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy

This movie is shot in  typical lovely manner. It pretty in the strict conventional way a period drama is shot especially for this time period. It’s pretty and boring. It does tries it’s hand interesting shots and edits which just look overindulgent. It looks as though a young director is trying to be artsy but in fact the director, Julien Jarrold, is quite experienced as a director.

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen & James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy Becoming Jane picture image

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen & James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy

Then there is the love story. Again it follows the pretty people who are pretty and passionate. Jane Austen and Tom Lefroy start off in typically Disney-esque snarky relationship turned forbidden love. Again the idea is in love is forbidden than an audience HAS to care the lovers. Alas no. There is no realy pivot from animosity to love. The just keep bumping into other Tom makes criticisms about Jane’s writings, telling her she needs experience.

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen & James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy Becoming Jane picture image

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen & James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy

Speaking on the scene where the first meet, Jane is reading something she wrote at her sister’s engagement and Lefroy is there. After she is done, Jane overhears him criticizing it  and she preceded to run upstair and tears it up and in the very next time they meet she is defending its worth and how ladies should write because they have feelings. It just seems odd that she is at one time vulnerable to a vague criticism of a guy she doesn’t know and then is all girl power. It’s confusing on her character since she mostly about female empowerment as she won’t marry for position. Go her? Did she even try to get to know the rich guy?   I guess she needed to feel passion that started with a guy saying she sucked at writing? Even though that is not what he said.  Or was it all his sexual talks with her through vague English politeness?             

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen Becoming Jane picture image

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen

    

What is really unfortunate is the casting. Anne Hathaway isn’t convincing. Aside from the  English accent, which did sound like an affectation, she didn’t give Jane anything that was interesting as a character. What was Jane Austen’s personality? Smart? Nice? Independent?  Those traits are presence in the film and darn if they aren’t in the dialogue of the movie to convey it, so no acting required.   

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen & James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy Becoming Jane picture image

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen & James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy

If you want to ogle James McAvoy for a long two hours then this is a movie for you. If you want a pretty movie with a less than compelling romantic narrative, again a movie for you. However if you want a good romantic movie set in the regency period that watch any other movie that is based on a Jane Austen book.  

For the month of February we’re going to look at romantic period movies.

Keira Knightley as Anna Karenina 2012 picture image

Keira Knightley as Anna Karenina

For those of you who live under a rock, Anna Karenina was written by Leo Tolstoy in 1877, though it’s fine if you didn’t know the date. Anna Karenina has had lots of movie and tv versions. This one by Joe Wright from 2012  has to be the worse version of Anna Karenina ever made. Even if we separate this movie from the book it’s still terrible on every level.

Aaron Johnson as Count Vronsky & Keira Knightley Anna Karenina 2012 picture image

Aaron Johnson as Count Vronsky & Keira Knightley Anna Karenina

First the love story. Now I won’t go full of comparing the book with the movie, but I will say that Anna Karenina isn’t so much about love or romance it’s more about society and marriage. However to make an audience feel for characters they need to be likable, we have to care about the love story in a movie so we can feel emotions. This version takes the Star Wars Episode II approach to love. Anna and Vronsky are two attractive people who are in a forbidden  romance. They literally meet, think each other is hot, Vronsky stalks her and boom! They are in love or lust, honestly there isn’t much of a different.  The only emotion I felt during their own story arc was when Vronsky horse Frou-Frou dies and like any bad script we are TOLD Vronsky loves his horse, we don’t see it visually in a visual median.

Domhnall Gleeson as Levin & Alicia Vikander as Kitty Anna Karenina 2012 picture image

Domhnall Gleeson as Levin & Alicia Vikander as Kitty

Anna and Vronsky are shown in parallel with Levin and Kitty who are in love, now lust. Levin pines for Kitty while Kitty pines for Vronsky till Vronsky throws her other for Anna. Now in the book the story of Kitty and Levin is super dull and boring while and Anna and Vronsky were more interesting. In the movie however it’s the opposite. This could be because they are likable people or that   Alicia Vikander played the role of Kitty from better that Keira Knightley who was beyond unconvincing. She was so ill-cast especially when a far better actress for Anna is already in the movie, Michelle Dockery. As well as Aaron Johnson was unbelievable as Vronsky. He looked like he came out of the 1970’s trying to be a Sergeant Pepper knock-off.

Aaron Johnson as Count Vronsky Anna Karenina 2012 picture image

Aaron Johnson as Count Vronsky

Speaking of style, oh dear lord this movie. So the idea is that Russian Society is like a performance, so  the idea is that the characters are on stage. This is such a misguide direction that  gets in the way so there is no room for the viewer to feel anything because you’re trying to figure out where the fuck everyone is in relation to their own meta performance. Plus there is literally no reason for why some things are on stage, or backstage or not on stage at all.

Keira Knightley as Anna Karenina 2012 picture image

Keira Knightley as Anna Karenina

Here are some examples;

When Anna sees her son in his room, it’s on stage but having relations with her husband is not. Why? It should be the other way around. Anna loves her son but not her husband. The idea of her love for her son being on display on a stage is contrary to her character while he time with her husband is not on display at all not even backstage.

When Levin goes to see his poor addict brother it’s “backstage”? This makes sense but it’s dumb since more of Levin scenes aren’t on stage except the ones in the beginning of the movie and after a point they just don’t even bother. I’m willing to say that this was intentional but it really makes it feel like the movie either ran out steam with the concept who figured it was stupid since it’s in your face at the start and just goes alway till the last scene. Hey movie, if your going to a sophomoric artistic direction be consistent so the viewer can understand your creative intent.

Aaron Johnson as Count Vronsky & Keira Knightley Anna Karenina 2012 picture image

Aaron Johnson as Count Vronsky & Keira Knightley

Also there are the costumes, which again fall into a half-baked style concept. The idea of the look is combining Victorian bustles with 1950’s silhouettes and accessories.  When the movie first came out, I hated this, now I just don’t care. Really this look only applies sometimes to some characters AND again you see it more in spade at the start and it’s only pertains to the main characters which either means the movie couldn’t go full on with their vision or the style of Imperial Russian society is all other the place with regards to style.  In any case it takes you right out the movie and since with the stage direction obvious metaphor and lack of emotion you were never invested in the movie to start. Did anyone actually finish the movie or cared about the characters? Because there that maintains intertest.  I mean when Anna dies it’s like “Thank god now the movie is over.”

Keira Knightley

If you want to watch an Anna Karenina version, there 14 other better versions to watch. If you want a movie that is style of substance, I mean you could watch loads of of the movies like Star Wars  Episode II since it’s pretty the same love story with no substance and style (sorry, I know people now like the prequels). However if you want an Anna Karenina movie with no substance, a vvague attempt at style and to be bored for over two hours, yeah,  then you should totally watch it but that is a weird list of wants for a movie.

This movie has one of the most annoying dance scene ever.   The dance moves are some the stupidest moves ever seen in a movie. And there is also has a fart joke in it. A fart joke for really no reason, it’s not even funny.

This is a list of the Best Live-Action Fairy Tale movies that were reviewed. In a lot of ways this list was harder than the worst list since I had the opposite problem there were a dearth of stellar movies but somehow it hit that target.

 

Number #10 

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Richard Chamberlain as Prince Edward The Slipper and the Rose Cinderella picture image

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Richard Chamberlain as Prince Edward

The Slipper and the Rose – Originally this was the movie for the surprised/liked list but it broke off from that for  a few reasons. The biggest reason is this the only Cinderella movie that have the godmother doing more stuff for Cinderella and gives a reason for why the magic has a limit. It also just addresses some other issue with the story and while characters aren’t amazing they are likable and there is more than just the Cinderella story being told. Plus the songs and the costumes are awesome.

 

Number #9

Jen with the Skeksis Chamberlain The Dark Crystal picture image

Jen with the Skeksis Chamberlain

The Dark Crystal – There really isn’t anything quite like The Dark Crystal. It has a lot of artistry,  imagination, and heart. The story is dark yet complex and still fairly accessible.

Number #8 

Libuše Šafránková as Cinderella with Pavel Trávníček as the Prince at the ball Three Wishes for Cinderella picture image

Libuše Šafránková as Cinderella with Pavel Trávníček as the Prince at the ball

Three Wishes for Cinderella – In a lot of ways this movie is another breath of fresh air for the Cinderella story. While  there is magic there is no fairy godmother but instead an owl and hazelnuts. Cinderella in this version is very able; she rides, hunts and is clever while still being kind. I do like that she veils her face so no one can recognizes her, even the prince. Plus the snow landscapes are lovely.

 

Number #7 

Ron Perlman as One and Judith Vittet as Miette The City of Lost Children picture image

Ron Perlman as One and Judith Vittet as Miette

City of Lost Children – You don’t get much more surreal than this one. The weird imaginary just adds so much to this story that it makes it more of a fairy tale.

Number #6

Ivana Baquero as Ofelia with Faun Pan’s Labyrinth picture image

Ivana Baquero as Ofelia with Faun

Pan’s Labyrinth – This movie is intoxicating. It combines a beautiful dark fairy tale with the horrors of reality within the context of Fascist Spain. I do wish that it wasn’t so balanced between the two settings as the fairy tale elements were better but that could be just wanting more of it.

 

Number #5

Noah Hathaway as Atreyu and Falkor The Neverending Story picture image

Noah Hathaway as Atreyu and Falkor

The Never Ending Story –  This movie traumatized so many children in the 80’s but it’s just pure uncut nostalgia that you can’t deny it. While it does have complex idea at play the philosophies in this story are lovely. Plus Falcor is awesome.

Number #4 

Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands & Winona Ryder as Kim Boggs Edward Scissorhands picture image

Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands & Winona Ryder as Kim Boggs

Edward Scissorhands – Edward Scissorhands effortlessly combines a lot of fairy tale tropes into a modern setting. It’s a beautiful bittersweet tale that is very emotionally charged.

Number #3

Drew Barrymore as Danielle and Dougray Scott as Prince Henry Ever After: A Cinderella Story picture image

Drew Barrymore as Danielle and Dougray Scott as Prince Henry

Ever After – Let’s not pretend that this isn’t the best Cinderella movie. This movie gives story gives Cinderella a.k.a Danielle  the most acengy she can possible have while still being the Cinderella character and it does it well. All the Cinderella elements are there is someway but the are elevated in such a way that makes them make sense in the story and the world. Plus it’s a fun movie with great costumes.

 

Number #2

Cary Elwes as Westley and Robin Wright as Buttercup The Princess Bride picture image

Cary Elwes as Westley and Robin Wright as Buttercup

The Princess Bride – Another nostalgia bomb. I’m not sure would really understand a person if the didn’t like something about this movie, it literally has everything and it’s super entertaining and vastly quotable.

 

Number #1

Josette Day as Belle and Jean Marais as The Beast La Belle et la Bete Jean Cocteau 1946 picture image

Josette Day as Belle and Jean Marais as The Beast

La Belle et la Bete – There should be no surprise here, that the 1946 Belle et la Bete movie would be number one.  It’s just so perfect. It’s only flaw is that it knows it’s flawed and the story doesn’t make sense so it tells you to keep your childlike sensibility and just hits you with a dream-like movie.

I do hope the Disney Live-action remake will be on the level of the 1946 movie. Maybe when it comes out next year I will review it but till then the blog is moving on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oddly the movie I had originally did this post for got moved to the best list for a few reasons but these movies are ones that I just liked or I was surprised by but didn’t quite reach the best list.  These are in no order.

 

Trudy Young as Princess Melora & Gordon Thomson as Sir Robin the Brave with Kermit and the other frogs Jim Henson's The Frog Prince picture image

Trudy Young as Princess Melora & Gordon Thomson as Sir Robin the Brave with Kermit and the other frogs

Jim Henson’s Frog Prince – I’m a fan of the Muppets, there is no way I couldn’t love this one. It was just what it needed to to be. It was the perfect blend of the fairy-tale and Muppet Charm. Bake that Candle in the hall of her brain.

 

Sarah Patterson as Rosaleen with the wolf In the Company of Wolves

Sarah Patterson as Rosaleen with the wolf

 

In the Company of Wolves – I really respect this movie. It nicely subverted Fairy Tales and had a nice dream-like and symbolic tone. However I don’t really want to re-watch it and a lot the imagery was freaky, to say the least.

 

Black Swan picture image

Natalie Portman as Nina

 

Black Swan – To be honest this one was originally going on to be on the best list and it was really because I was having a hard time hitting that that ten target. Again, it doesn’t have a ton of re-watchability however I really enjoyed the play of the duo roles and it does the same thing as In the Company of Wolves with regard to leaving childhood and entering adulthood.

Tim Curry as Darkness Legend picture image

Tim Curry as Darkness

Legend – Watch this one for Tim Curry, it’s just delightful. It’s still a fun and imaginative movie. Plus it’s rumored to have inspired the Zelda series.

Lily Collins as Snow White and Armie Hammer as the Prince Andrew Alcott Mirror Mirror picture image

Lily Collins as Snow White and Armie Hammer as the Prince Andrew Alcott

 

Mirror Mirror – Okay, by all accounts this movie is dumb but for what ever reason I can’t hate it, it might be a guilty pleasure.

This are movies that I was disappointed in and in a few cases just missed the worst list. These are in no particular order.  Also only did five of them.

Jang Dong-gun as Kunlun & Cecilia Cheung as Qingcheng The Promise picture image review

Jang Dong-gun as Kunlun & Cecilia Cheung as Qingcheng

The Promise –  This one just nearly missed the worst list. A few things kept it off, one being it was its own thing so it didn’t  oppose a source material, at least to my knowledge, the visuals in parts were very nice and I gave it the benefit of the doubt that the Chinese version was better. However, I wished the plot focused more on the lead female like Netflix suggested it did and not a fast runner fighting an evil duke that has a thing for feathers. Overall this one way really confusing and disappointing.

Vincent Cassel as the Beast and Léa Seydoux as Belle La Belle et la Bete 2014 picture image

Vincent Cassel as the Beast and Léa Seydoux as Belle

La Belle et la Bete (2014) – This movie I really wanted to like but the film-makers really messed most of this up. They gave the Beast a backstory that confused things and they went too far with trying to make it epic. I’m not saying that Fairy Tales movies can’t be epic but film makers need to stop doing it because you can’t pull if off. But more than that they didn’t even bother to have  Belle and Beast fall in love which should have been a crime. This movie is lucky that they were so many other terrible  movies or it would been on the worst list. The costumes were nice though.

Moira Shearer as Vicky having to choice between love and dancing The Red Shoes picture image

Moira Shearer as Vicky having to choice between love and dancing

The Red Shoes – This movie is yet another movie that people like and I was more disappointed in. If they had spent the time to establish Vicky’s love of dance, the romance,  and why she really had to make the choice between dancing and love it would have been better. The plot was just too rushed and unexplained. The Ballet part of the great though, so it’s slightly forgivable that the rushed the boring icky movie parts. I just want to note that shot  which is the picture shows  is really great.

Rutger Hauer as Navarre with Isabeau in Hawk form Ladyhawke picture image

Rutger Hauer as Navarre with Isabeau in Hawk form

Ladyhawke – I really wanted to like this movie but it was just too boring, too bland, too tonal confused  and too fill of 80’s cheesiness.   It’s a weird yet bad combination.

Lily James as Ella and Richard Madden as Prince Kit Cinderella 2015 picture image

Lily James as Ella and Richard Madden as Prince Kit

Cinderella (2015) – Again I really wanted to like this movie, the casting spoke to me and it had lovely costumes but it wasn’t enough. The choices they made just confused the plot and Ella was less proactive than her 1950 counterpart. I don’t need or really want a super hero military leader Cinderella but girl just spins and twirls. Also the pacing of this one was really bad, it felt so much longer than it needed to be.

Honorable Mention

The Snow Queen (2002) – Just because it was super long, the acting was bad and the weird to heck plot. But I didn’t have any excpetations of it so that helped.

This is a list of the worst Live-Action Fairy Tale movies that were reviewed. This list was hard to compose because there was just so many bad movies and they were bad in different ways. Some were just bad, some confused the source material the point of insanity and some did both. But when is came down it it came to a question of which one would I rather watch again.

Also a note I’m adding two posts on movies that I personally was disappointed in and ones I liked were were surprised by, these movies also do not appear on the Best/Worst lists.

 

Number #10

 

Mila Kunis as Theodora Oz The Great and Powerful picture image

Mila Kunis as Theodora

 Oz the Great and Powerful – This one made the list more on wasted potential and its odd casting. Mila Kunis and James Franco were just too ill suited in their roles. There were just too many odd other choices to ignore, like none of the characters have good motivations. The movie does have nice technicals like the China Girl but a lot of the techicals come at the expense of the characters. Plus Mila Kunis as the wicked witch was just silly.

 

Number #9

Amanda Seyfried as Valerie Red Riding Hood picture image

Amanda Seyfried as Valerie

Red riding Hood – Yes, this movie sucks and is pretty much a Twilight version of Little Red Riding Hood.  I get the feeling though that people working of it more less knew that and just went on because it’s a paid check. However given some of the other movies, I would rather watch this one. Plus the very first time I watch it I didn’t hate it as much as I thought I would so that is something, granted I was hanging out with people and having fun so the movie might have been a mute point.

 

Number #8

Tom Hanks as Allen & Daryl Hannah as Madison Splash picture image

Tom Hanks as Allen & Daryl Hannah as Madison

Splash  – I know a lot of people out there like this movie but I found all the characters so unlikable. The plot also sucks with the mermaid time limit, the weird rules and the whole government thing.  It’s dumb and unlikable.  Plus it lost me the second they said let’s look at Cape Cod, stupid movie.

 

Number #7

Emily Blunt as The Baker's Wife, James Corden as The Baker and Daniel Huttlestone as Jack Into the Woods Picture image

Emily Blunt as The Baker’s Wife, James Corden as The Baker and Daniel Huttlestone as Jack

Into the Woods – If Splash under explained its plot than Into the Woods over explains it to the point where you don’t even need to watch the movie, just listen to it in another room. I mean what’s the point of a visual median if you don’t need to watch the thing?  Though to be fair this movie is so dark and devoid of good visuals anyway that you’re not even missing anything.  It’s really disappointing since that could have made the visual interesting and they didn’t and with musical movie you need or it’s get boring, like this one.

Number #6

Alex Pettyfer as Hunter/Kyle and Vanessa Hudgens as Lindy Beastly picture image

Alex Pettyfer as Hunter/Kyle and Vanessa Hudgens as Lindy

Beastly – Yet another Twilight-eque take on a Fairy tale. In this world being bland and tattoo is super ugly and if you don’t live in Manhattan you might as well just kill yourself because you’re in exile. This one is just shallow, vapid and stupid. I mean really the guy won the girl with quite literally candy and flowers.

Number #5

Amanda Bynes as Sydney with The Seven Dorks Sydney White picture image

Amanda Bynes as Sydney with The Seven Dorks

Sydney White – Oh this one is so stupid that it hurts. The sad part is that I think the movie thinks that it is indeed being clever and funny, which it is not. Also I hate the whole girl is cool because like a dude but with a vagina. Hated this movie.

Number #4

Kristen Stewart as Snow White & Chris Hemsworth as The Huntsmen Snow White and the Huntsmen picture image

Kristen Stewart as Snow White & Chris Hemsworth as The Huntsmen

Snow White and the Huntsmen – It’s a kick-ass Snow white movie, problem is the girl doesn’t do much of anything except for the one thing a man taught her.  There just so much just wrong with this movie that it’s impossible to put it one paragraph. But it a chaotic mess that promised an active Snow White but didn’t not. The only thing we really get is a screaming Charlize Theron in some cool costumes but that isn’t enough, it’s really nothing.

Number #3

Angelina Jolie as Maleficent picture image

Angelina Jolie as Maleficent

Maleficent – This movie is just so misguided that it’s a wonder that they actually made it. It’s basic a Frozen and Wicked knock-off just with Sleeping Beauty. But what really gets me is that they took the Mistress of all Evil and made her a scorned woman who was really a good fairy. Just so much No. Also so was more a prankster than an evil villain.

Number #2

Matt Damon as Will and Health Ledger as Jacob The Brothers Grimm picture image

Matt Damon as Will and Health Ledger as Jacob

The Brothers Grimm – The idea behind this movie might have been good but the excution was beyond annoying. The jokes were not funny and character all sucked.  Everything and I do mean everything about this movie was pure rancid vomit that at no point was I entertained or amused.  Why was this even made? Who gave someone the money to make this?

Number #1

Eliza Bennett as Snow White Grimm's Snow White picture image

Eliza Bennett as Snow White

Grimm’s Snow White – What can really be said about a movie when the people making it had the intention and the hope that no one watching it was paying attention? Beyond that I just don’t know what to say about this movie as it’s not telling the story of Snow White that I’m not even sure why the threw in the elements and slap the name on it in the first place. First off this is more of a Lord of the Ring knock-off than a Snow White but also Snow white is Blonde, it’s just what the fuck is this? The Dwarves are Elves and the Evil Queen wants some Star Fire. Even if the plot misses the point of either source there nothing else that this movie offers of substance, the characters were so devoid of anything that you can’t even call them characters and the technicals are cringeworthy.

This is the worst thing I have ever seen. This movie makes Happy N’ever After and Milo’s return look like works of brilliance and those movies are shit.  Grimm’s Snow White isn’t even shit, it’s the festering bowels  of a beached whale carcass that is so corrupted by the polluted waters that it will not wither away into nothingness.

The real question is what is worse Grimm’s Snow White or The Swan Princess: A Royal Family Tale? That is too tough to even think about.

The Swan Princess: A Royal Family Tale picture image

The Swan Princess: A Royal Family Tale

I have a bit of a litmus test when it comes to these movies. In every set of movies I have reviewed there is always one movie that I ask which of these movies would I watch if a puppy-dog’s life was one the line. Those movies are The Sequel to Atlantis and Happy N’Ever After. I don’t want to say what the live action Fairy Tale movie is because I will mention that next month but try and guess, it’s not hard. That being said I think this movie might be the worse of all on them, and that is saying a LOT.

Say what you want about about the other Swan Princess movies because at least on some level the stories make some sense that is not the case with the last sequel to The Swan princess series, The Swan Princess: A Royal Family Tale.  I have no idea what the screenwriters were smoking to come up with this narrative because it is so beyond dumb that I’m really not sure why it even exists. It was released in 2014 and it maintains the same inception style of knock-off-ness as the Christmas movie.

The Royal Family The Swan Princess: A Royal Family Tale picture image

The Royal Family

 

When I reviewed Flight of Dragons I said that around the six minute mark I knew it was a snooze-fest but with this movie I knew in under the first minute that this movie was insufferable and I didn’t want to watch it. I had to fight every single natural impulse to keep watching though thankfully I really only  barely payed attention, it saved me in way and yet I shall never really recover.

So basically, The Forbidden Arts which is from the underworld I.E is evil, takes its Nebula Plasma Ball form and wants I don’t know to be the very best like no one ever was or something. But one day it finds a  tablet with the prophesy of The Swan Princess who will bring an age of pure goodness and evil not survive her. This is the part where I wanted to turn it off and it really only gets worse. The Forbidden Arts then changes the legend to read that the Swan Princess is evil and some Flying Squirrels a.k.a  The Scullions find it, take it WAY too seriously and dedicate their lives to finding and destroying The Swan Princess. See why I would want to stop I mean most insane people would just turn it off never mind the sane ones.

Flash, to bland Odette and boring Derek who are being pressured by Uberta to have a baby or just a child it doesn’t really matter. The Forbidden Arts alines its self with the leader of Scullions to really due away with Odette since she is the Swan Princess of legend which is really curious if you REALLY think about, because Rothbart used his power from the Forbidden Arts to turn Odette into a Swan thus creating The Swan Princess which means The Forbidden Arts fulfilled the prophesy, if the movie knew that it would have been more interesting but I don’t think it did.

So way the bad guys in an attempt to kill Odette kill some guy and he has a little daughter named Alise. Odette and Derek then decide to take Alise into castle to make her their child. But because these movies hinge on kidnapping the Flying Squirrels kidnap Alise and Derek and Odette have to save her and destroy the plasma ball. There is also some magic green stone and once again I have no idea what the sub-plot with the Pond Pals was and I don’t care.

A Scullion with the mess-up Legend The Swan Princess: A Royal Family Tale picture image

A Scullion with the mess-up Legend

So the Swan Princess takes on the prophesy angle. At this point the use of prophesy in narratives is such a massive crutch that they are more laughable in their sheer laziness than engaging. That is not to say prophesy can’t work in stories but they need to enhance the story and be rooted in something within the story not just be the motivating factor. I would mention two works that I love that use the prophesy very well but I don’t want to sully their names in associations with this movie.

Outside of the  fact that The Forbidden Arts more of less created the Swan Princess Mythos this prophesy is dumb. First off where did this legend/prophesy come from. Who wrote it? Someone wrote it on a slab and left in the woods for no one to read. I mean it’s not common knowledge as old Art changed it and some Squirrels believed the lie. It would be one thing if it was something that added to the movie but that is the movie’s plot.

Odette with a nice Scullion The Swan Princess: A Royal Family Tale picture image

Odette with a nice Scullion

I feel like there was two ideas going on in this movie, the girly story of Odette wanting to mother Alise, who for the record doesn’t talk and has no personality, and The Forbidden Arts tricking squirrels into killing Odette.  The ideas only really coalesce with the kidnapping of Alise.

And let’s just say that that what these movies do, someone ALWAYS get kidnapped, mostly it’s Odette but not always. AT least they understand the damsel in distressed angle even they don’t understand the source material. Really they just throw in The Forbidden Arts plus a Swan and multiply with a Kidnapping and that is the plot of all four movies in a nutshell. So I’m left feeling really confused where those stupid squirrels came from. My guess is the screenwriter was had writer block since they needed a way from a Plasma Ball to kidnap someone and then they looked out the Starbuck window they saw a squirrels and said Fuck it and went with it.

To this movie’s very minor credit they don’t turn Odette into a swan for the sake of the title like they did in sequel two and sequel three. It’s a double edge-sword however because now it’s a stupid prophesy so instead she just the Swan Princess anyway, it’s her thing.

Odette and Alise The Swan Princess: A Royal Family Tale picture image

Odette and Alise

 

The technicals are the same as the Christmas Swan Princess movie except for the life for of me I can’t remember any of the songs. So the songs are better than the Christmas  one and it’s a blessing I can’t remember them.

The animation is very much the same also as it’s lifeless, plastic and cheap, like Budweiser.

Odette and Derek The Swan Princess: A Royal Family Tale picture image

Odette and Derek

The Swan Princess: A Royal Family Tale is so stupid that it can’t be process on a conscious level therefore it is unwatchable. Either you turn it off or give way to cold numbness that could kill you.  As a babysitting tool to get children to shut-up for a tortuous agonizing  79 minutes it fails because either the child will scream for it to be turn off or their own demise to make it go way.

Fun fact; I thought at first  this movie was called The Swan Princess: A Royal Family Table which sounds dumb but infinitely more interesting.

The Swan Princess Christmas picture image

The Swan Princess Christmas

If there are one thing I hate it’s a Disney knock-out holiday video. The Swan Princess Christmas is not so much a knock-off, it’s a super knock-off as Swan Princess was a Disney knock-off in it of itself and this is a Swan Princess Knock-off in the style of those Barbie and Tinkerbell movies.  It came out in 2012 and boy oh boy does it not look like it.

I would say the fact it’s an X-Mas makes it so much worse but the sad truth is that it anchors it into an insipid trite plot.   I mean it’s still the odious vomit of shit that was drunk on too much egg-nog.

 

Odette and Derek The Swan Princess Christmas picture image

Odette and Derek

So the plot, it’s Derek and Odette first Christmas together, which logically would mean that this movie comes  before the first sequel, Escape from Castle Mountain canonically, that is if Swan Princess even has a canon. Anyway everyone is in super high Christmas spirits and there is all the cliche trite stuff that make Christmas important and yet so easily ruined, like your childhood. There is the decorating of the tree, a pageant and wind chimes, wait wind chimes? Yes Wind chimes.

However the ghost of Rothbart wants to come back but the Spirits of Christmas is like the strongest thing in the universe so he has make everyone grumps so he can come back or something. The only thing that keeps him at bay of those damnable wind chimes. So because Odette and Derek have some plot contrive super Christmas Sprits it’s up to them to save Christmas and the world.  At some point at the end Rothbart changes Odette into a Swan because it’s customary at this point.

I don’t even  recall what the Pond Pals were doing in this movie and  don’t care. I think Jean-bob was using mistletoe to get girls to kiss him, poor Jean-Bob you sick one joke frog.

Rothbart The Swan Princess Christmas picture image

Rothbart

 

Empirically this movie is beyond stupid and quite literally NOTHING is remotely good about it. First the plot is dumb as it’s just your standard evil guy wants to ruin Christmas story sans the redemption angle. If I’m being honest the Disney Beauty and the Beast Christmas thing was better and that movie sucked. This so devoid of good thing it’s into triple fart minus.

The Swan Princess Christmas picture image

Odette

 

None of the voice actors are back but more than that they made decent voice actors sound third rate. This might be why Laura Bailey is credited as Elle Deets. The director just sucked the talent right out of people. Or they just tanked this movie. I have to believe that no effort when in this and it was produced from some tax break.

I don’t think I need to mention how worthless and bland the characters are, if they didn’t have it when people were trying they sure the heck don’t have it now. Hell this movie is making me not try on this review.

 

Odette The Swan Princess Christmas picture image

Odette

So they very first thing you will notice about this movie is how shitty and cheap it looks.  I’m not sure how anyone could think it looked even passable as a first draft. What min altering drugs were they on? I mean Odette looks drugged herself most of the time. It’s impossible to habituate to the animination. The dull style of the first two sequels look like freaking Disney compared to this.

And if you thought the animation was bad well then there is the music. They use modern music, it meshes in style not at all. The only way to make it work I found is smash you head repeated against  anything, desk, wall, door, floor,  till your ears pool with blood, that drowns out the shallow trite that they music in this sad excuse for urine that is this movie.

Odette as a Swan The Swan Princess Christmas picture image

Odette as a Swan

The Swan Princess Christmas is awful but the nicest thing I can say is that trite plot made the movie more boring while the techicals are whats bad. You really don what to know what happens when they are least to their own devices for a story. You might get prophesy, martial flying squirrels and a orphan for Odette to mother, oh wait that is the next movie.

The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure picture image

The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure

The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure the third Swan Princess movie and the second of the sequels. It came out in 1998 and is sadly the last hand-drawn Swan Princess movie and even more sadly was the last movie of Michelle Nicastro who voiced Odette. It also sometimes called The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Kingdom and it’s pretty much teh same plot as the first sequel.

Odette, Derek, and Rogers The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure picture image

Odette, Derek, and Rogers

Basically the plot is a former partner of Rothbart wants something that is hidden in Derek and Odette’s castle. But instead of a discount Saruman who wants a orb , it’s a lady, Zelda who wants notes on a magic spell that can do the same this as the orb, create, change and destroy. Derek however ripped the last word off the notes so Zelda kidnaps Odette. It’s the same plot except the subplot is a festival and not Uberta’s birthday.

Zelda and Whizzer The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure picture image

Zelda and Whizzer

So Odette and Derek are still bland boring character so let’s just discuss the new characters, Zelda and her forced minionm Whizzer, a frighten yakey-bird who can mimic voices.

Unlike the villain in the last movie, Clavius, Zelda gets into the castle with deception and flirts with Rogers to get what she wants. Rogers’ crush on her does led to a legit silly joke. After she gets what she wants and leaves Rogers is beside himself and says maybe he read her good bye-note wrong, he then read say note. which is is like Dear Muffin, I Hate you, Love Zelda. That may not be 100% correct but the timing by Rogers was great. Other than that Zelda is boring, she just wants power and that lasy word on the stupid destroy spell.
Whizzer, the bird minion does get a minor arc. He is scared and then the pond pal drill in the No Fear mantra and yay No Fear. It’s not great but what fuck do want from a Swan Princess Sequel? And Still this is still at least semi-watchable.

One issue I have with Whizzer is that he mimics Rothbart’s voice to trick Zelda but when did he ever hear Rothbart’s voice to mimic? I would question this more if I cared. Also since I’m on the topic of nitpicking a pathetic movie, if Derek was in the position to rip the notes, why didn’t he destroy then like Odette had wanted? I mean yes plot but still so dumb.

Rogers and Brom The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure picture image

Rogers and Brom

I would say I recall the songs better in this movie a little bit more than the first movie but that could be because Derek’s love song basically just repeats animation from the original movie. Zelda’s song is also very derivative of the Rothbart’s song in tone. The songs are meh. The animation is on par with the first sequel, dull, muted and not special.

Rogers missing his lady love, Zelda The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure picture image

Rogers missing his lady love, Zelda

The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure is by no means a good movie or even a sequal. It had one good joke and that is pretty much it. It’s not the worse thing you can watch and is by no means even the worse of The Princess Swans movie because they just get so much worse after this one.