The Top Ten Worst Live-Action Fairy-Tale Movies

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This is a list of the worst Live-Action Fairy Tale movies that were reviewed. This list was hard to compose because there was just so many bad movies and they were bad in different ways. Some were just bad, some confused the source material the point of insanity and some did both. But when is came down it it came to a question of which one would I rather watch again.

Also a note I’m adding two posts on movies that I personally was disappointed in and ones I liked were were surprised by, these movies also do not appear on the Best/Worst lists.

 

Number #10

 

Mila Kunis as Theodora Oz The Great and Powerful picture image

Mila Kunis as Theodora

 Oz the Great and Powerful – This one made the list more on wasted potential and its odd casting. Mila Kunis and James Franco were just too ill suited in their roles. There were just too many odd other choices to ignore, like none of the characters have good motivations. The movie does have nice technicals like the China Girl but a lot of the techicals come at the expense of the characters. Plus Mila Kunis as the wicked witch was just silly.

 

Number #9

Amanda Seyfried as Valerie Red Riding Hood picture image

Amanda Seyfried as Valerie

Red riding Hood – Yes, this movie sucks and is pretty much a Twilight version of Little Red Riding Hood.  I get the feeling though that people working of it more less knew that and just went on because it’s a paid check. However given some of the other movies, I would rather watch this one. Plus the very first time I watch it I didn’t hate it as much as I thought I would so that is something, granted I was hanging out with people and having fun so the movie might have been a mute point.

 

Number #8

Tom Hanks as Allen & Daryl Hannah as Madison Splash picture image

Tom Hanks as Allen & Daryl Hannah as Madison

Splash  – I know a lot of people out there like this movie but I found all the characters so unlikable. The plot also sucks with the mermaid time limit, the weird rules and the whole government thing.  It’s dumb and unlikable.  Plus it lost me the second they said let’s look at Cape Cod, stupid movie.

 

Number #7

Emily Blunt as The Baker's Wife, James Corden as The Baker and Daniel Huttlestone as Jack Into the Woods Picture image

Emily Blunt as The Baker’s Wife, James Corden as The Baker and Daniel Huttlestone as Jack

Into the Woods – If Splash under explained its plot than Into the Woods over explains it to the point where you don’t even need to watch the movie, just listen to it in another room. I mean what’s the point of a visual median if you don’t need to watch the thing?  Though to be fair this movie is so dark and devoid of good visuals anyway that you’re not even missing anything.  It’s really disappointing since that could have made the visual interesting and they didn’t and with musical movie you need or it’s get boring, like this one.

Number #6

Alex Pettyfer as Hunter/Kyle and Vanessa Hudgens as Lindy Beastly picture image

Alex Pettyfer as Hunter/Kyle and Vanessa Hudgens as Lindy

Beastly – Yet another Twilight-eque take on a Fairy tale. In this world being bland and tattoo is super ugly and if you don’t live in Manhattan you might as well just kill yourself because you’re in exile. This one is just shallow, vapid and stupid. I mean really the guy won the girl with quite literally candy and flowers.

Number #5

Amanda Bynes as Sydney with The Seven Dorks Sydney White picture image

Amanda Bynes as Sydney with The Seven Dorks

Sydney White – Oh this one is so stupid that it hurts. The sad part is that I think the movie thinks that it is indeed being clever and funny, which it is not. Also I hate the whole girl is cool because like a dude but with a vagina. Hated this movie.

Number #4

Kristen Stewart as Snow White & Chris Hemsworth as The Huntsmen Snow White and the Huntsmen picture image

Kristen Stewart as Snow White & Chris Hemsworth as The Huntsmen

Snow White and the Huntsmen – It’s a kick-ass Snow white movie, problem is the girl doesn’t do much of anything except for the one thing a man taught her.  There just so much just wrong with this movie that it’s impossible to put it one paragraph. But it a chaotic mess that promised an active Snow White but didn’t not. The only thing we really get is a screaming Charlize Theron in some cool costumes but that isn’t enough, it’s really nothing.

Number #3

Angelina Jolie as Maleficent picture image

Angelina Jolie as Maleficent

Maleficent – This movie is just so misguided that it’s a wonder that they actually made it. It’s basic a Frozen and Wicked knock-off just with Sleeping Beauty. But what really gets me is that they took the Mistress of all Evil and made her a scorned woman who was really a good fairy. Just so much No. Also so was more a prankster than an evil villain.

Number #2

Matt Damon as Will and Health Ledger as Jacob The Brothers Grimm picture image

Matt Damon as Will and Health Ledger as Jacob

The Brothers Grimm – The idea behind this movie might have been good but the excution was beyond annoying. The jokes were not funny and character all sucked.  Everything and I do mean everything about this movie was pure rancid vomit that at no point was I entertained or amused.  Why was this even made? Who gave someone the money to make this?

Number #1

Eliza Bennett as Snow White Grimm's Snow White picture image

Eliza Bennett as Snow White

Grimm’s Snow White – What can really be said about a movie when the people making it had the intention and the hope that no one watching it was paying attention? Beyond that I just don’t know what to say about this movie as it’s not telling the story of Snow White that I’m not even sure why the threw in the elements and slap the name on it in the first place. First off this is more of a Lord of the Ring knock-off than a Snow White but also Snow white is Blonde, it’s just what the fuck is this? The Dwarves are Elves and the Evil Queen wants some Star Fire. Even if the plot misses the point of either source there nothing else that this movie offers of substance, the characters were so devoid of anything that you can’t even call them characters and the technicals are cringeworthy.

This is the worst thing I have ever seen. This movie makes Happy N’ever After and Milo’s return look like works of brilliance and those movies are shit.  Grimm’s Snow White isn’t even shit, it’s the festering bowels  of a beached whale carcass that is so corrupted by the polluted waters that it will not wither away into nothingness.

The real question is what is worse Grimm’s Snow White or The Swan Princess: A Royal Family Tale? That is too tough to even think about.

Three Wishes for Cinderella; The Power of Nuts

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Three Wishes for Cinderella picture image

Three Wishes for Cinderella

Today’s movie, Three Wishes for Cinderella, is interesting. By interesting, I mean watching it, I couldn’t find it nor get a DVD of it with English subtitles so I had to watch it without subtitles and then I watched it again with this British guy narrating it, which was weird but I least I understood the story better.

Three Wishes for Cinderella, or as it’s sometimes called, “Three Nuts for Cinderella” and I’m immature enough to giggle when I see that, is a 1973 Czechoslovak/East German movie starring LibuÅ¡e Å afránková. So did I mind watching this movie twice as most movies I struggle to even make it twenty minutes before suppressing the urge to kill myself? Nope, this movie was charming.

Libuše Šafránková as Cinderella with Pavel Trávníček as the Prince with his pals Three Wishes for Cinderella picture image

Libuše Šafránková as Cinderella with Pavel Trávníček as the Prince with his pals

It’s your basic Cinderella story. Cinderella has a step-mother and step sister who hate her while every else loves her. Though this movie is quite different from other versions. Cinderella is forbidden to ride her pretty white horse and Step mother makes her keep busy by mixing peas and lentils together and makes Cinderella sort them, which is a tasks that her dove friends do for her.

One day, when the King, Queen and the Prince are heading to a castle in the vicinity, Cinderella sneaks out and visit her pet owl and meets the prince. Well she throws a snowball at him and gives him the run around and then steals his horse. The Prince is impress that someone other than him could ride his horse.

The step-Mother weasels an invite to the ball. The send the stewart to get fabric. He offers to get Cinderella gift. Cinderella wants to go to the ball but dejected that they step-mother would never let her go she asks her to bring back what ever hits his nose. On his way back the prince hit the stewart’s with a bird nest and he find three hazelnuts which he gives to Cinderella.

Cinderella takes the hazelnuts to her owl and tell him that she wishes she could fly ways but to even leave she would need a disguise. The owl motion for her to open the hazel and out pops a huntsmen costume. She then runs into the prince who is having a contest where the first one to shot down a bird of prey wins a ring, Cinderella wins the contest and once again impresses the prince. She then runs off and the prince chases after her. She take off her disguise and give him the run around again.

As the Step-mother and sister get ready for the ball, Cinderella ask if she could just look in through the window, which her step-mother respond by making sort the peas and the lentils again. However she once agin gets help from the doves. She them goes to her owl. For her second wish she wishes for a pink ball gown that looks like the dawn. She goes to the ball and wins the love of the prince who wants to marry but before she agrees she gives the prince a riddle, which is something like, ” Dirty face but now a chimney sweep, A Feather hat but not a huntsmen, a ball gown but not a princess.” Which is her but until he can answers it she won’t be his wife and he runs out the ball to her horse and leaves her shoe. Oh and in this version she wears a veil so no can recognize her which means the Prince follows for her grace and charms over her face.

The Prince follows her to the manor but can’t find her. I think her Step-mother does something to her when she figures it out but I’m not sure what. Cinderella escapes though, I guess and goes to her owl and the last wish is a wedding gown. Cinderella reveals herself to the prince and they ride off to the castle on their horses.

Libuše Šafránková as Cinderella Three Wishes for Cinderella picture image

Libuše Šafránková as Cinderella

What is interesting about this movie is that for a lot of European specifically in Germany and Norway, though there could be more countries, this is THE movie to watch on Christmas Eve because it has a nice winter setting, which is both refreshing and has a nice romantic feel.

Libuše Šafránková as Cinderella on her horse Three Wishes for Cinderella picture image

Libuše Šafránková as Cinderella on her horse

What I really like about this move version is Cinderella herself. So often Cinderella is accused of being too passive and marrying a guy she doesn’t know. This Cinderella hunts, rides, is kind, mischievous and smart. And much like another Cinderella who fits these traits, that we’ll get to someday (Cough Ever After Cough), she also meets the Prince by throwing something at him. Also LibuÅ¡e Å afránková just looks like a great Cinderella as she is quite beautiful but in a charming natural way. She was just perfect.

Also with the her wearing a veil and the Prince meeting her a few times their love is a bit more believable, though it didn’t seem she was really interested him and she did let him off the riddle hook quickly, but it’s more than original story.

Libuše Šafránková as Cinderella with her owl Three Wishes for Cinderella picture image

Libuše Šafránková as Cinderella with her owl

The changes they made to the story were great as the owl and hazelnuts act as the fairy godmother and there is no coach just her horse. There was just enough magic without any real frills. It was just good emotions

Libuše Šafránková as Cinderella with Pavel Trávníček as the Prince Three Wishes for Cinderella picture image

Libuše Šafránková as Cinderella with Pavel Trávníček as the Prince

 

I will say there are some weird cinematic choices. I think it might be more the the style of 70’s cinema than artistic expression but there are some weird closeup that are off-putting but the last shot is stunning as they ride off into the distance against pure white snow, it was rather magical.

Libuše Šafránková as Cinderella with Pavel Trávníček as the Prince at the ball Three Wishes for Cinderella picture image

Libuše Šafránková as Cinderella with Pavel Trávníček as the Prince at the ball

Being costume freak I am I have to discuss Cinderella’s Ball gown, First off, I really like the motif of the gown. She looked like a sunrise with a soft pink and blueish tones. Many Cinderella are either in blues and white that pink is a nice color choice. Also I love, love the fire bird on the back of the train and on the sash.

However I din’t really like that this gown was style of the times and didn’t really fit into the rest of the costumes. It was the point of the costume but they didn’t even try to make it the mingle the style of the 70’s with the time period of the movie. Though Å afránková looked lovely and it was a fun scene, so I forgive it a little bit.

Three Wishes for Cinderella picture image

Libuše Šafránková as Cinderella with a dove

Three Wishes for Cinderella is a very refreshing take on Cinderella plus an Owl and Horse play a critical role so clear it’s a great movie.

I will say the ONE thing I didn’t like was all the hunting but that is me being sensitive, also that music they played all the time got a little old.

Ladyhawke Review; The hawk and the wolf were the best actors

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Ladyhawke picture image

Ladyhawke

My first experience with this movie is an episode of The Critic by the same name. To be honest I had no idea it was a play on a movie but when I was looking at live-action fairy tale movies this one from 1985 crossed my path. From the start I was pumped, I wanted to like Ladyhawke. It was a fantasy movie from the 80’s, Fuck yeah, but then the credits with most cheesiest 80’s music you could ever imagined ended and this snooze-fest began.

Rutger Hauer as Navarre with Isabeau in Hawk form Ladyhawke picture image

Rutger Hauer as Navarre with Isabeau in Hawk form

Actually, the beginning with Matthew Broderick’s character, Philippe “The Mouse” Gaston was fine. Broderick plays this thief who is the only person to escape this place call Aquila, that is run by this dweeb Bishop, if he has a name I don’t care. No, where this movie gets bad and quite boring is when Philippe meets Captain Navarre a.k.a the plot. You see Navarre has this hawk and him and the hawk are cursed. The hawk is actually his lady love, Isabeau, played by Michelle Pfeiffer. Isabeau is cursed to be a hawk by day and Navarre turns into a wolf by night. They can only see each other in human form for a few fleeting moments.

Turns out the bishop cursed them with the powers of satan no less because he wanted Isabeau. Geeze a holy guy being obessed with a pretty lady, where have I heard that one before? Let me think…… oh yeah The Monk , that book sucked.

Not going to lie, I wasn’t playing that much attention but here is what I think happen. Navarre wants to kill the bishop even though that would mean they can’t break their curse. To break the curse they have to appear together in human form before the bishop. Navarre wants Philippe to sneak him into Aquila. Navarre is told by some monk guy that there is a day when there is no day and night or something, it’s an ellipse. Why couldn’t the monk guy just say that? Drama. Navarre goes to fight and tells the monk dude that if he hear church bells to kill Isabeau, which is stupid but in the end it all works out, they break the curse and I got to stop pretending to pay attention.

Michelle Pfeiffer as Isabeau Ladyhawke picture image

Michelle Pfeiffer as Isabeau

 

So why was this movie bad? Well much like some major criticism of Disney’s Hunchback this movie has no idea what it wants to be, it has no identify. Is it a darker fantasy? A light fantasy? A comedy? Some movies and TV shows has such great writing that they blended the genres into a balanced and cohesive story. Ladyhawke does not. And I will get this out of the way, the stereotypical 80s music does not even help one iota. If anything it just further confuses.

Matthew Broderick as Philippe

Matthew Broderick as Philippe “The Mouse” Gaston

Then there is the acting, it sucks. The only characters I believe are the wolf and the hawk and the horses too. At least I believe that they were the animals they were. Otherwise the acting was either hammy or bland. If the tone had been more comedic, Broderick’s would have been fine but his dramatic parts were boarder on PAINFUL and the dude who played Navarre, one Rutger Hauer, I swear was channeling Charleston Heston the whole movie, which was weird.

Frankly the only character who has any personality was Broderick’s character and that is because practically all his lines told us what his character was like, no need for acting.

Navarre as the wolf Ladyhawke picture image

Navarre as the wolf

However some movies just like to say “fuck it, style over subtense,” so you might think this movie was all about the style. Well maybe that is true but I didn’t see anything that resembles style. The editing was weird, the costumes were boring, and most of the shots were too dark to really see anything. In fact I think this movie was the opposite, it was all about the subtense, that the love story was movie and tragic.

Michelle Pfeiffer as Isabeau with the evil bishop Ladyhawke picture image

Michelle Pfeiffer as Isabeau with the evil bishop

The love story might have been good if the characters were not so stupid or if they had personalities, maybe if their back story was a flashback instead of a monologue told to us by the monk dude. With a flashback we could have felt for Isabeau and Navarre more. Speaking of their curse, why fuck would the devil make THAT the curse the bishop would use. Turning a couple into animals at difference times of the day sounds more like mark of witch for pissing her off or something not the devil for a dude who wants a woman. Also we know an ellipse is like a loop-pole but are there other loop-poles? Like a serve overcast day? IS the curse really time specific to the sun? Would sunblock have helped? I don’t know this story seems better on paper than as a movie.

Michelle Pfeiffer as Isabeau Ladyhawke picture image

Michelle Pfeiffer as Isabeau

Ladyhawke is a boring and genre confused movie with little logic and no likable characters. Of all the 80’s fantasy movies this one is better left forgotten. Though it could be worse, it could be a shallow high school remake of Beauty of the Beast, wait that is the next movie isn’t it? Cries.