Diary of a Chambermaid picture image

Diary of a Chambermaid

They say time is the most value thing because you can never get it back and yet my time worthless and yet I still wouldn’t waste it on whatever this thing was.  I’m going to be real with you, I didn’t finish it. It takes me a lot to stop watching something when I started especially when it a mere hour half movie.  Need I remind everyone who reads this blog, I have sat through and watched all the Disney sequels and I think this was far worse BUT why?

Léa Seydoux as Célestine Diary of a Chambermaid picture image

Léa Seydoux as Célestine

Here are few reasons;

There isn’t a single interesting or likable character. I COULD have quit too early, not sure I made it past the 30 minute mark, but no one pulled me into the narrative. The main character seemed like a calculating bitch and not even a interesting bitch, I can take a bitch character but Célestine was dull, pretty but dull.  Everyone else was their criminally unlikable or even duller that Célestine, if such were possible.

The tone of the movie was weird. It seems like it a sex comedy and/or a battle of the classes. I don’t want to say I don’t get French humor as there have been French comedies I have found funny but maybe it’s I don’t get Edwardian style French humor. After the ferret scene I had to turn it off, I saw it coming but scen seem like it was going to prove me wrong but no, rich people suck . Maybe if the film was working for me  I might have gotten however it but no.

The directing. WHAT the heck, god did the director of this love tracking shots.  Half of what I saw of the movie was just following Celestine around. Oh seem how she walks around the garden? Isn’t it thrilling? Intriguing? I honestly don’t know what feeling it was trying to convey. It seemed more suited for a thriller movie or intense movie BUT an Edwardian comedy that has a dildo in a box that’s main function was a source of embarrassment as custom official forced some lady to open the box in a crowd of people? What? Movie, you’re drunk!

Léa Seydoux as Célestine Diary of a Chambermaid picture image

Léa Seydoux as Célestine

Yeah so I didn’t  bother with this movie you can if you want but I don’t recommend it. They ONLY reason I could aside from liking the book would be if you’re a fan of Léa Seydoux and you want to watch the whole of her filmography. Otherwise skip.

 

Side Note – To someone why watched this or even read the book, is there a dairy in it? Or is the title a liar?

Becoming Jane picture image

Becoming Jane

Groans, just so many groans on this movie. When I first saw Becoming Jane  I didn’t have any strong opinions of it in fact I hardly remember it aside from it being about Jane Austen and her unrequited love. Apparently this movie exists to showcase where Jane Austen got her inspiration from but she isn’t Frida Kahlo, her movie narrative is much like her book sans the interest.

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen & James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy Becoming Jane picture image

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen & James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy

This movie is shot in  typical lovely manner. It pretty in the strict conventional way a period drama is shot especially for this time period. It’s pretty and boring. It does tries it’s hand interesting shots and edits which just look overindulgent. It looks as though a young director is trying to be artsy but in fact the director, Julien Jarrold, is quite experienced as a director.

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen & James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy Becoming Jane picture image

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen & James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy

Then there is the love story. Again it follows the pretty people who are pretty and passionate. Jane Austen and Tom Lefroy start off in typically Disney-esque snarky relationship turned forbidden love. Again the idea is in love is forbidden than an audience HAS to care the lovers. Alas no. There is no realy pivot from animosity to love. The just keep bumping into other Tom makes criticisms about Jane’s writings, telling her she needs experience.

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen & James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy Becoming Jane picture image

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen & James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy

Speaking on the scene where the first meet, Jane is reading something she wrote at her sister’s engagement and Lefroy is there. After she is done, Jane overhears him criticizing it  and she preceded to run upstair and tears it up and in the very next time they meet she is defending its worth and how ladies should write because they have feelings. It just seems odd that she is at one time vulnerable to a vague criticism of a guy she doesn’t know and then is all girl power. It’s confusing on her character since she mostly about female empowerment as she won’t marry for position. Go her? Did she even try to get to know the rich guy?   I guess she needed to feel passion that started with a guy saying she sucked at writing? Even though that is not what he said.  Or was it all his sexual talks with her through vague English politeness?             

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen Becoming Jane picture image

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen

    

What is really unfortunate is the casting. Anne Hathaway isn’t convincing. Aside from the  English accent, which did sound like an affectation, she didn’t give Jane anything that was interesting as a character. What was Jane Austen’s personality? Smart? Nice? Independent?  Those traits are presence in the film and darn if they aren’t in the dialogue of the movie to convey it, so no acting required.   

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen & James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy Becoming Jane picture image

Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen & James McAvoy as Tom Lefroy

If you want to ogle James McAvoy for a long two hours then this is a movie for you. If you want a pretty movie with a less than compelling romantic narrative, again a movie for you. However if you want a good romantic movie set in the regency period that watch any other movie that is based on a Jane Austen book.  

Patrick Timsit as Quasimodo & Melanie Thierry as Esmeralda Quasimodo d'El Paris picture image

Patrick Timsit as Quasimodo & Melanie Thierry as Esmeralda

Unlike most every other version of Hunchback of Notre Dame, this one misses the Notre Dame. Instead we have El Paris and its by all accounts nameless cathedral. Now is it ultimately important that Notre Dame isn’t in the movie? I would say no, it’s not. Just because Notre Dame inspired the story it doesn’t change the fact that this movie is a parody but it is a little vexing that that cathedral really doesn’t have a name, Cathedral of El Paris really isn’t much of a name.

Patrick Timsit as Quasimodo & Richard Berry as Frollo Quasimodo d'El Paris picture image

Patrick Timsit as Quasimodo & Richard Berry as Frollo

In this movie the Cathedral is little more than a backdrop, half the time you really forget the movie takes place in the church, It’s either Quasimodo’s bedroom or  Frollo’s pad/ creepy lair. Any sense of the Church’s majesty jut isn’t there.

Then there is El Paris itself or The Paris. If there is some joke I’m not getting because my knowledge Spanish and French is limited at best than I concede it, I don’t understand the joke. But there is little to understand about El Paris as it seems normal except that Cuban population seems to live in restaurant. Really, I’m more confused about where the city is located. I would guess somewhere in Europe but who knows. It just not located in Cuba.

Patrick Timsit as Quasimodo & Melanie Thierry as Esmeralda Quasimodo d'El Paris picture image

Patrick Timsit as Quasimodo & Melanie Thierry as Esmeralda

Setting is a big point in any Hunchback version and here in this more they could have made it bigger point of interest as it’s a parody but all they did was give Quasimodo a childish bedroom and Frollo some weird decorated rooms.

Patrick Timsit as Quasimodo Quasimodo d'El Paris picture image

Patrick Timsit as Quasimodo

We have seen a lot of different characterizations of Quasimodo. Every adaptations changes him to suits their unique needs for their version of the story.  He has been morose, sad, naive, a bookworm, a Disney princess and even an emo  but Quasimodo d’El gives us a very new take on Quasimodo, unapologetically childish.

Patrick Timsit as Quasimodo & Richard Berry as Frollo  Quasimodo d'El Paris picture image

Patrick Timsit as Quasimodo & Richard Berry as Frollo

Quasimodo in this version gets a more fleshed out back story. Like the case of the abysmal Enchanted Tales, which will forever haunt me, he is NOT born deformed. Instead he was born to rich mean people and Clopin cursed him on the day of his baptism. Basically his deformities are rooted in his awful parents dropping him face side down and throwing him agiast a wall. Then they abandon him and switch him with for pretty Esmeralda. Quasimodo is then brought to the cathedral where he is reared by Frollo.

Patrick Timsit as Quasimodo & Richard Berry as Frollo Quasimodo d'El Paris picture image

Patrick Timsit as Quasimodo & Richard Berry as Frollo

The plot of this movie really needs Quasimodo to be childlike and innocent as this makes people care for him on a subconscious level and so he himself is not aware that the “play’ he does with Frollo is actually murder. It’s actually rather clever.

Patrick Timsit as Quasimodo & Melanie Thierry as Esmeralda Quasimodo d'El Paris picture image

Patrick Timsit as Quasimodo & Melanie Thierry as Esmeralda

However there is a massive trade off. In book, the cathedral was everything to Quasimodo, it was his world till Esmeralda but this version the cathedral is more like a jungle-gym, a plaything. He just has fun playing around it. Also there is no depth to this Quasimodo but to the movie’s credits it knows this fact. The film calls him out for just thinking Esmeralda is pretty and doesn’t know her  much like the way he is treated but in reverse.

Patrick Timsit as Quasimodo & Richard Berry as Frollo  Quasimodo d'El Paris picture image

Patrick Timsit as Quasimodo & Richard Berry as Frollo

So is this version of Quasimodo a bad one? Yes and No. I think for the movie’s plot and concept he works but as a Quasimodo there is no depth or development. He is  just very, very childish.

 

 

The Swan Princess Christmas picture image

The Swan Princess Christmas

If there are one thing I hate it’s a Disney knock-out holiday video. The Swan Princess Christmas is not so much a knock-off, it’s a super knock-off as Swan Princess was a Disney knock-off in it of itself and this is a Swan Princess Knock-off in the style of those Barbie and Tinkerbell movies.  It came out in 2012 and boy oh boy does it not look like it.

I would say the fact it’s an X-Mas makes it so much worse but the sad truth is that it anchors it into an insipid trite plot.   I mean it’s still the odious vomit of shit that was drunk on too much egg-nog.

 

Odette and Derek The Swan Princess Christmas picture image

Odette and Derek

So the plot, it’s Derek and Odette first Christmas together, which logically would mean that this movie comes  before the first sequel, Escape from Castle Mountain canonically, that is if Swan Princess even has a canon. Anyway everyone is in super high Christmas spirits and there is all the cliche trite stuff that make Christmas important and yet so easily ruined, like your childhood. There is the decorating of the tree, a pageant and wind chimes, wait wind chimes? Yes Wind chimes.

However the ghost of Rothbart wants to come back but the Spirits of Christmas is like the strongest thing in the universe so he has make everyone grumps so he can come back or something. The only thing that keeps him at bay of those damnable wind chimes. So because Odette and Derek have some plot contrive super Christmas Sprits it’s up to them to save Christmas and the world.  At some point at the end Rothbart changes Odette into a Swan because it’s customary at this point.

I don’t even  recall what the Pond Pals were doing in this movie and  don’t care. I think Jean-bob was using mistletoe to get girls to kiss him, poor Jean-Bob you sick one joke frog.

Rothbart The Swan Princess Christmas picture image

Rothbart

 

Empirically this movie is beyond stupid and quite literally NOTHING is remotely good about it. First the plot is dumb as it’s just your standard evil guy wants to ruin Christmas story sans the redemption angle. If I’m being honest the Disney Beauty and the Beast Christmas thing was better and that movie sucked. This so devoid of good thing it’s into triple fart minus.

The Swan Princess Christmas picture image

Odette

 

None of the voice actors are back but more than that they made decent voice actors sound third rate. This might be why Laura Bailey is credited as Elle Deets. The director just sucked the talent right out of people. Or they just tanked this movie. I have to believe that no effort when in this and it was produced from some tax break.

I don’t think I need to mention how worthless and bland the characters are, if they didn’t have it when people were trying they sure the heck don’t have it now. Hell this movie is making me not try on this review.

 

Odette The Swan Princess Christmas picture image

Odette

So they very first thing you will notice about this movie is how shitty and cheap it looks.  I’m not sure how anyone could think it looked even passable as a first draft. What min altering drugs were they on? I mean Odette looks drugged herself most of the time. It’s impossible to habituate to the animination. The dull style of the first two sequels look like freaking Disney compared to this.

And if you thought the animation was bad well then there is the music. They use modern music, it meshes in style not at all. The only way to make it work I found is smash you head repeated against  anything, desk, wall, door, floor,  till your ears pool with blood, that drowns out the shallow trite that they music in this sad excuse for urine that is this movie.

Odette as a Swan The Swan Princess Christmas picture image

Odette as a Swan

The Swan Princess Christmas is awful but the nicest thing I can say is that trite plot made the movie more boring while the techicals are whats bad. You really don what to know what happens when they are least to their own devices for a story. You might get prophesy, martial flying squirrels and a orphan for Odette to mother, oh wait that is the next movie.

One Song this week!

Hunchback of Notre Dame Musical performing Esmeralda picture image

Ensemble performing Esmeralda

Esmeralda –  Before I start, can I just say that watching the La Jolla performance of this song was bat-shit stupid.  It was dumb to  have Frollo stab Phoebus, then blames Esmeralda for it and yet he just condemned Phoebus to die and Esmeralda is already wanted. It like what the hell? What is the point of Frollo stabbing Phoebus? Musical, I respect what you’re doing but you can’t just insert the stabbing scene from the book  into your show like that. You just seem like you want to add things even though they don’t make sense with the narrative you’re telling. And while I’m mentioning the La Jolla recording, there are a lot of differences from the La Jolla version of this song vs the cast album. Do you have any idea how tasking these reviews are? I have to deal with the Disney Movie Version, the book, the German version, and two versions of the English musical version.

As you may know, Esmeralda is the Act 1 closer from the German version. This is where Frollo is on a man-hunt for Esmeralda and is burning Paris because he is super  obsessed. It’s also where Phoebus says No to Frollo for not burning  a Family in a Mill, though in this musical version it’s a brothel that harbors Gypsies. I think the change is so they could make some sexual connotations about Phoebus visiting and that Frollo shouldn’t be there.

Esmeralda was my favorite song from the German version as it’s both very dramatic and speaks to the basic theme of the story, the differences of the hearts of three men. I will say that it’s not my favorite song in this version as the I slightly prefer the Tavern song but it’s on point with the German. I do however have some issues with it though.

For starters, I hate the lyric “He held the Torch that Crackled like the Gypsy’s Voice.”   Even if Esmeralda in these Disnye-ish versions has a smokey quality, crackled is a terrible word choice. I understand Phoebus is supposed to be reminded of her in this instant and in the German version he hears her singing in his head but really Menken? Crackled?  A Crackling voice is indicative of an old person or someone with a cold.

And there is another issue I have. When Phoebus hears Esmeralda sing in his head in the German version, she sings a few lines from a song she sang to him in Notre Dame. This is the case in La Jolla performance though it’s a chorus and not Esmeralda herself. He then throws the Torch and say I’m just a fool though the line in German is I think I rather be Good than right.  In the cast album it’s FREAKING God Help the Outcasts, which yes is pretty BUT Phoebus never heard that song! It’s wouldn’t be important to him as the other song was because Esmeralda sung it directly to Phoebus. They just replaced  because the audience knew it better. That choice annoys. It also annoys that they just didn’t have Esmeralda sing it because she even reveals herself to Frollo and crew while in the German version she stays out of sight like in the Disney movie. This choices are really ill-conceived.

Weird choices asides, this still a great song that is much like German version in term of its powerful grand scale and is a great song to end Act I.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure picture image

The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure

The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure the third Swan Princess movie and the second of the sequels. It came out in 1998 and is sadly the last hand-drawn Swan Princess movie and even more sadly was the last movie of Michelle Nicastro who voiced Odette. It also sometimes called The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Kingdom and it’s pretty much teh same plot as the first sequel.

Odette, Derek, and Rogers The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure picture image

Odette, Derek, and Rogers

Basically the plot is a former partner of Rothbart wants something that is hidden in Derek and Odette’s castle. But instead of a discount Saruman who wants a orb , it’s a lady, Zelda who wants notes on a magic spell that can do the same this as the orb, create, change and destroy. Derek however ripped the last word off the notes so Zelda kidnaps Odette. It’s the same plot except the subplot is a festival and not Uberta’s birthday.

Zelda and Whizzer The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure picture image

Zelda and Whizzer

So Odette and Derek are still bland boring character so let’s just discuss the new characters, Zelda and her forced minionm Whizzer, a frighten yakey-bird who can mimic voices.

Unlike the villain in the last movie, Clavius, Zelda gets into the castle with deception and flirts with Rogers to get what she wants. Rogers’ crush on her does led to a legit silly joke. After she gets what she wants and leaves Rogers is beside himself and says maybe he read her good bye-note wrong, he then read say note. which is is like Dear Muffin, I Hate you, Love Zelda. That may not be 100% correct but the timing by Rogers was great. Other than that Zelda is boring, she just wants power and that lasy word on the stupid destroy spell.
Whizzer, the bird minion does get a minor arc. He is scared and then the pond pal drill in the No Fear mantra and yay No Fear. It’s not great but what fuck do want from a Swan Princess Sequel? And Still this is still at least semi-watchable.

One issue I have with Whizzer is that he mimics Rothbart’s voice to trick Zelda but when did he ever hear Rothbart’s voice to mimic? I would question this more if I cared. Also since I’m on the topic of nitpicking a pathetic movie, if Derek was in the position to rip the notes, why didn’t he destroy then like Odette had wanted? I mean yes plot but still so dumb.

Rogers and Brom The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure picture image

Rogers and Brom

I would say I recall the songs better in this movie a little bit more than the first movie but that could be because Derek’s love song basically just repeats animation from the original movie. Zelda’s song is also very derivative of the Rothbart’s song in tone. The songs are meh. The animation is on par with the first sequel, dull, muted and not special.

Rogers missing his lady love, Zelda The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure picture image

Rogers missing his lady love, Zelda

The Swan Princess: The Mystery of the Enchanted Treasure is by no means a good movie or even a sequal. It had one good joke and that is pretty much it. It’s not the worse thing you can watch and is by no means even the worse of The Princess Swans movie because they just get so much worse after this one.

What is worse than a Disney Sequel? A Diet Disney Sequel! The Swan Princess from 1993, which was reviewed already got FOUR direct to Video/DVD sequel, so since there are four Thursdays let’s review them.

The Swan Princess: Escape from Castle Mountain picture image

The Swan Princess: Escape from Castle Mountain

Before we start let me just say that on the spectrum of these movies the original Swan Princess is the best of the movies but as the number sequels goes up the quality gets so much worse. Far more terrible than you can imagine and the original was by no means a Good movie.

The first of The Swan Princess sequel movies is called The Swan Princess: Escape from Castle Mountain. It was released in 97 and had some, and I do mean some a few of the original voice actors   Like I said, of all the Swan Princess Sequels, it’s the best but that isn’t saying all that much. It’s still bad but at least it’s the shortest.

Odette and Bridget The Swan Princess: Escape from Castle Mountain picture image

Odette and Bridget

So ever still bland Odette  and Derek are celebrating their anniversary together but Derek as been ignoring Odette and his Mother’s upcoming birthday because some one has been vandalizing and burning things around the castle.  As it happens, Odette and Derek moved into Rothbart hideout from the first movie and Rothbart’s former partner, a dicount evil sorcerer named Clavius wants the Forbidden Arts which is hidden in the castle. The Forbidden Arts looks like one of those Plasma Nebula Ball novelty toys that were super cool in the 1990s.

To get leverage on Derek, Clavius kidnaps Uberta on her birthday. As Derek races off to save Clavius shows up and locks up Odette and learns that Derek is walking into a trap.  While Clavius is dealing with Odette Rothbart old Minion, Bridget and the Pond Pals get to the Forbidden Arts however on trying to free Odette they too get locked in her room/cell. Odette asks Bridget to change her into a Swan so she can warn Derek.

Clavius then gets the Forbidden Arts orb and being a villains wants to take over the world or some stuff nonsense, hijinks ensue and Derek, Odette, and the Pond Pal managed to break to the Forbidden Arts orb and kill Clavius and his minion Knuckles.  Odette however is  still a Swan and Jean-Bob was injured in the fight. Moonlight on the lake fixes them both so hooray.

Clavius and Uberta The Swan Princess: Escape from Castle Mountain picture image

Clavius and Uberta

To be honest this sequels exist in that zone of just mediocrity. There is nothing remotely special or interesting about the movie  in either a good way or bad way. This makes my job ever hard though not impossible, I mean it’s not rocket science or math.

Let’s just take about the only character worth talking about, Clavius and Uberta, the rest are boring and very forgettable.

Clavius is more of less a shadow of Rothbart except Rothbart had a level of interest. What made Rothbart a little interesting is that he had the power to take over but wanted Odette’s kingdom legally. He didn’t want to be a usurper.  Clavius wants power in the orb thing and then wants to take over the world. This is your standard paint-by-numbers villain. All Villains want something and it typically the world. Wanting somethign else would require too much thought. World and power is a easy and lazy way to give a villain motivation.

The there is Uberta, the immature Queen of Country unknown. Uberta was somewhat funny in her demand when she was prisoner but alas that is not why I mentioned her. I bring her up because of her age. You see, Uberta is turing 50 and at first her hates it but then accepts her, at least she gets an arc. But here is the the thing, her character design is the exact same a when Odette was a baby or a toddler. So let’s just say Odette was a baby when Uberta and William had the idea for the marriage pact  and when Odette and Derek were like 18 when Derek said “what else is there” in regards to Odette’s bland personality and the plus a year, that mean Uberta was 31 at the start of the original movie. Meaning she aged prematurely or it was a misguided character design. Things like this take me out of the movie.

Odette and Jean-Bob The Swan Princess: Escape from Castle Mountain picture image

Odette and Jean-Bob

Another thing that bothered me, a little because a sane person wouldn’t waste their brain cells think about this movie, is at the end Odette is stuck as Swan and Jean-Bob is either dead or has a massive boo-boo but the question is how did they know the moonlight on the lake would fix things? I guess because it undid Odette’s original spell that moonlight on the lake is the on thing that can undo the Forbidden Arts‘ power?

And another thing, Odette as a swan can talk to Derek! The Fuck? If that wasn’t a issue why couldn’t see either go to the ball as a Swan or fly away from the lake and TELL SOME ONE? I’m willing to believe they just forgot that little plot point of communication.       However I do give this movie a point for giving a plot base reason to turn Odette back into a Swan, spoiler the other ones don’t.

Stupid Sequels

Odette and Clavius The Swan Princess: Escape from Castle Mountain picture image

Odette and Clavius

 

I don’t think I have to mention the technicals, but since I already did I might as well. The animation is bad even compare to original which wasn’t that bad but wasn’t amazing either. It’s fair to point that of the four Swan Princess Sequels this one, if you haven’t noticed, is one of the hand-drawn one, and let me just say now they are better than the CG ones, you don’t even know yet. However just because they are hand-drawn the colors are still muted and dull, seems to be a standard look of any off-brand sequel.  They also repeat animation from the first movie, this is standard in the these sequel so get used to it, even in CGi movies they just rehash it.

The songs are SUPER forgettable and I mean that, I can’t remember any of them. There might have been a long song and friendship song but I don’t remember.

Oh and they say No Fear all the time. That I recall but that has nothing to do with songs, unless they did another No fear song.

Uberta The Swan Princess: Escape from Castle Mountain picture image

Uberta

The best thing I can say about The Swan Princess: Escape from Castle Mountain is that  while its mere existence just shouldn’t be as it added nothing to humanity at least it was harmless and merciful short at just a little over an hour, that’s a positive.

Jim Henson's The Frog Prince picture image

Jim Henson’s The Frog Prince

This is the last Fairy tale movie of the review set, this series was supposed to be done back in December 2015 originally but I kept extending it to the point of madness.

Jim Henson’s The Frog Prince is from 1971 and if you can’t guess from the title it’s a Muppet retelling of The Frog Prince. The only well-known Muppets to appear in it are Kermit, Robin and Sweetums. I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t know this one prior a guess made by Esmee  see here.

But is it that good even for a TV Muppet special from the 1970’s?

Trudy Young as Princess Melora with Robin Jim Henson's The Frog Prince picture image

Trudy Young as Princess Melora with Robin

 

Kermit is your typical frog living in a well near a castle, along with many many other frogs. One day a new frog arrives named Robin the Brave. Robin claims that he’s really prince that was cursed by a evil witch and nearly eaten by her ogre. He says the only way to break his spell is to befriend a Princess, live her castle and get a her to kiss him. Kermit is sympathetic to Robin but doesn’t believe him. But Kermit does teach Robin to swim somewhat at least though Robin favors the doggy-paddle.

At the same time King Rupert II is announcing that since his daughter, Princess Melora is of age, which is 19, he will step down as King and she will became Queen. This makes Robin happy as there is Princess nearby that might help him turn back to a human.

Melora comes to the well and Robin learns that she too is under an enchantment that prevents anyone from understanding her as her speech is mostly spoonerisms. Like she says fretty plower instead of pretty flower. However when he father tells her she is to be the Queen she is happy though her father can’t understand her. She then sits at the well and sings and then drops her golden ball into the well. Robin offers to get it for her if she becomes his friend and takes him to palace to live. She agrees though with some hesitant and despite Robin’s lack of swimming skills he gets her ball back. As she places Robin in her basket he sees the witch that cursed him, Taminella, who now is posing as the King’s sister and she is also the one that cursed Melora so she couldn’t tell her father that Taminella wasn’t the King’s Sister. Kermit also follows them to palace to keep an eye on them.

As it turns out Robin can understand most of what Melora says. The only thing he can’t figure out is the way to stop Taminella, which Melora says is “bake the hall in the candle of her brain.” Taminella then stops Melora from giving Robin a kiss.

At lunch the King tells Melora that since no can understand her the King has decided to crown Taminella as Queen. Melora and Robin try to tell the king that Taminella is a wicked witch that cursed her. Taminella takes Robin way to the Sweetums who wants to eat him. Robin convinces Sweetums to eat his tomorrow and lulls him to sleep. Kermit appears to help Robin escape but can’t lift the latch. Kermit then convinces a sleeping-walking Sweetum to free Robin. It works but Sweetums walks up and trashes the place and is knocked unconscious by a pillar.

Kermit and Robin get to coronation as it starting. Robin struggles to figure out what bake the hall in the candle of her brain means. To buy time Robin has Kermit get the other frogs from the well to create a distraction. Robin the figures the clue out which is “break the ball in handle of her cane” so he bites her causing her to drop the cane and breaks the ball. This causes her to explode and become a bird. And Melora’s spell is broken, she the kisses Robin and he turns back into a prince. The King is confuse but recongize it has a happy ending and crowns Melora.

Queen Melora and Prince Robin get married but they still visit their friend Kermit and even named their baby after him, pretty good for a frog.

Trudy Young as Princess Melora kissing robin Jim Henson's The Frog Prince picture image

Trudy Young as Princess Melora kissing robin

This movie or more accurately Special is adorable. It’s the right blend of Muppet wacky yet dry humor and fairy tale elements. It’s not forced. Though I have to ask with Melora curse was her writing effected too? Because it would have be easy if it wasn’t and it wasn’t even mentioned. Mostly it didn’t bother me because all the other elements were delightful.

Robin with Taminella Jim Henson's The Frog Prince picture image

Robin with Taminella

Kermit is his typical self but that isn’t a fault, who doesn’t love Kermit! Sweetums is in a antagonist role which is different for him but it worked. Robin is Robin though he kind of fun to see him as a romantic lead or romantic deuteragonist.

I do like how they show that Robin is love with Melora because he can understand her it’s not just to break the spell, they form a connection. I also like the juxtaposition of Robin with the dashing Prince.

Taminella Grinderfell is not exclusive to this. She debut in 1962 and stared in Tales of Tinkerdee, which was the unaired pilot. She was revived for this and she is great. She just a mean witch who wants power. Nothing wrong with that. She also has a cool design and concept art. Also I should add that it seems that Taminella was the source of nightmares for young kids who watched this special. It understand as she as a human shape body as a result of how the puppet is operated but does look human. That sort of combo can be scary. Also she reminds me a little bit of the Groke from Moomins who was also a source of terror for young children.

King Rupert II is great, dumb but fun. I love the scene where it’s revealed how Taminella tricked him, very silly. He also sounds like Rolf the dog.

Melora is great too. She doesn’t have much of personality but she is nice but not a push over. She tries to tell her father about Taminella and she does figure out to break the spell. It also refreshing to see that she wants to be a Queen and is not fighting fate.

Trudy Young as Princess Melora & Gordon Thomson as Sir Robin the Brave with Kermit and the other frogs Jim Henson's The Frog Prince picture image

Trudy Young as Princess Melora & Gordon Thomson as Sir Robin the Brave with Kermit and the other frogs

As is standard with muppets project the technicals are great, they have to be or the muppets wouldn’t be believable. Are they perfect? No but are what they need to be for project.

The songs are also cute.

Got to give it to Trudy Young as Melora for making her lines feel natural. I’ve seen worst acting and diction with lines that make sense. Melora’s line are all messed up but she makes it work.

Kermit Jim Henson's The Frog Prince picture image

Kermit

It’s about self-awareness, Jim Henson’s The Frog Prince know exactly what it is and everything about it coalesces to fit it’s identify. It’s silly yet smart and wacky yet heartfelt.

I wish it was on DVD.

Splash picture image

Splash

It’s Ron Howard’s 1984 mermaid Rom-Com that was directly responsible for making Ariel the red-head we know and tolerate. It is also the reason why Madison is a popular girl name. Splash again was one those movies that I had heard of but didn’t know anything about and I wished it had stayed that way.

Tom Hanks as Allen & Daryl Hannah as Madison Splash picture image

Tom Hanks as Allen & Daryl Hannah as Madison

Allen Bauer is a guy who has a good business in New York City with his brother Freddy. Allen has issues with the ladies and Freddy is a womanizer. Back when they were children visiting, or rather going to look at Cape Cod, Allen is knocked off the boat and is rescued by a pretty blonde.

After his girlfriend leaves him, Allen revisits Cape Cod and again falls in the ocean and is again rescued by a blonde lady but she runs off. She however finds his wallet and goes to New York City to find, never mind she can’t speak English but she CAN read it.

So after getting taken in for nudity and not speaking English, She reunites with Allen and he takes her back to his place where they have sex. She then goes off shopping and learns fluent English from the televisions in the department store.

As her name is unpronounceable and breaks TV when uttered, she takes on the name Madison because they were at the corner of Madison. She also informs Allen she can only stay six days because if she stays any longer she can never return. Because it turns out Madison is a mermaid and when she touched by Saltwater or water her legs revert back to pinkish-orange fins.

As Allen is trying to figure her deal out while trying to marry her, Walter Kornbluth a weird-o scientific who is a laughing stock of the scientist is trying to expose Madison as a mermaid. And when he does the military take her for evil experiments. Allen, Freddy and Walter save and a mad-cap chase ensues through New York. It ends when Madison returns to the sea which means she can never be a human agian. As Allen joins her as he can be safe in the water with her. The End.

Daryl Hannah as Madison Splash picture image

Daryl Hannah as Madison

Now a lot of people like this movie and I don’t understand why. I found nothing likable or endearing about either the plot of the characters. The first logic jump that one HAS to make is Cape Cod. I wouldn’t say I’m an expert on Cape Cod, but I have been there a few times and it’s not some you take a boat to and just look at. There is a lot to Cape Cod and the impression I get from this movie is the inability of people from New York and Los Angles to not even understand the setting of the set-up. They could have replaced Cape Cod with the two popular Islands that are part of the Cape, Nantucket or Martha’s Vineyard and it would have made more sense than just saying Cape Cod.

Also I don’t know how endearing it is to introduce a character by having look up lady’s skirts. But the humor in the movie is down right abysmal.

Tom Hanks as Allen & Daryl Hannah as Madison Splash picture image

Tom Hanks as Allen & Daryl Hannah as Madison

As I have mention the characters suck. Madison is alright. She all naive and innocence but at the sometime there seems something vapid about her. It could be the acting or the direction since she doesn’t have much a personality.

Allen is just an insufferable tool. There is nothing likable about this guy. He just bitches and whines when thing don’t go his way and even when this are going his way he complains. This guy is throughly punchable.

The only character that was likable and had a personality was Freddy and he was a lying womanizer who looked up ladies’ skirts as a child.

Daryl Hannah as Madison Splash picture image

Daryl Hannah as Madison

The plot has this ticking clock where Madison has return to the sea or she can never be a mermaid again. After a fight when Allen asked her to marry him and she sighted that she could stay and he got all pissed and yelled at her she runs off and then agrees to stay with him. This plot mechanic also worked the other way were Allen can live with her in the sea but can’t return. The thing is the movie offers no explanation at least why this happens. Is this like merfolk Rumspringa? Where a merperson is allowed to see if they like being a human for a set period of time?

I have criticized movies for over explaining things but you can’t not explain it either. Or because it’s a fairy tale movie do the screenwriters just except people to accept this rule?

Also the conflict from Madison getting kidnapped by the government and subsequent chase and Allen’s decision to live in the ocean felt tacked on. Like they needed a climatic ending and conflict so military and a mean old scientist was an easy out.

Daryl Hannah as Madison Splash picture image

Daryl Hannah as Madison

The humor in this movie also sucks. The one joke I will mention is as Madison is shopping a sales woman shows her a dress and said that she, the saleswoman, can’t fit in to it then goes on to say that her daughter is lucky because she has anorexia. I know this movie is from 1984 and I’m watching in 2016 but still not funny. Most the other jokes are just weak at the expense of culture shock or downright unfunny.

Tom Hanks as Allen & Daryl Hannah as Madison Splash picture image

Tom Hanks as Allen & Daryl Hannah as Madison

The technicals are fine. They did some nice things with the mermaid fins. Mostly it’s just New York City well mostly. The beach and underwater scenes can’t not be from either New York City or Cape Cod. They are somewhere in the Tropics. It’s easier to film there but it’s a suspension of disbelief that I can’t do easily especially for a movie that fails at being likable.

Daryl Hannah as Madison Splash picture image

Daryl Hannah as Madison

Most people only remember Splash as that mermaid movie where Daryl Hannah walks around naked and that is a better way to know this movie than a weak movie filled with bottom-feeder characters and a sunken plot.