Julie Zenatti as Fleur-de-Lys with Patrick Fiori as Phoebus, Notre Dame de Paris picture image

Julie Zenatti as Fleur-de-Lys with Patrick Fiori as Phoebus, Notre Dame de Paris

As we close this theme month let’s think about the closing memory of a wedding, the song for the bride and groom’s first dance and wedding favors.

Starting with the song, Hunchback versions can give you a few options. I wouldn’t recommend dancing to Hellfire UNLESS it has special significance to you as a couple. Topsy Turvy could be fun but again would be weird.

Notre Dame de Paris gives a few options in a few languages. For songs from the show there is Ces Diamants-la which is about marriage. Ma Maison c’est ta Maison since that song is about sharing a life and a home. Or Vivre which is about the power of love and it’s english version Live for the One I love is very nice and you can choice between the Tina Arena version or the Celine Dion version.

Of Course there is also Out of Love from Der Glockner von Notre Dame or maybe In A Place of Miracles from the American version, which I haven’t heard but let’s hope it’s on the cast recording.

Fleur de Lys Wine Stopper picture image

Fleur de Lys Wine Stopper

Then we have the party favors. Of the weddings I have been to recently I don’t really recall any wedding favors, well maybe some Almonds but there wasn’t assigned seating at that wedding so I didn’t take any. However for a Hunchback theme wedding I would just recommend keeping it simple.

You could give out Macarons which just scream France. Maybe you could get them in your wedding colors or the same color tones as Notre Dame. You could also give out cookies that have Notre Dame as design in like icing, they do it with the Eiffel Tower so why not Notre Dame. You could also do bell shaped cookies if you you want it a little easier or gargoyles, that would be cool.

However if you would rather give out some that is not food you could give out Fleur de Lys bottle opener or stoppers, I would doubt they make Notre Dame ones.

Of course if you’re creative and like DIY projects the sky the limit. You could make frosted candle holders with something Notre Dame related on it.

Bruno Pelletier as Gringoire with Helene Segara as Esmeralda in Notre Dame de Paris picture image

Bruno Pelletier as Gringoire with Helene Segara as Esmeralda

Notre Dame de Paris is often praised for being one of the more accurate version of Hunchback and while it is the wedding scene is REALLY rush to the point that it’s hardly there.

Really it’s glossed over. You could say it takes place during La Cour des Miracles, Clopin asks if a lady wants Gringoire and Esmeralda say she’ll take him. Clopin says in the original version something like “He’s yours as a spouse but not as a lover.” End of Wedding, no jug and no wedding merriment unless you count Esmerald and Gringoire dancing as the song wraps up.

In other versions Clopin’s line is more like Esmeralda had to sleep in his bed. Gringoire then sings a line about how she saved in just in time and Esmeralda response by singing that though she saved him she won’t sleep in this bed. In either version these line are a littler superfluous as the next song aging shoot him down though he is all like Baby you can be my muse, really do you need to repeat this two times but forgo much of the wedding scene?

Then they have their wedding night which is a sweet number though Esmeralda still rejects Gringoire for Phoebus. I mean she just changed the subject when he tries and it like I would rather know what the name Phoebus means. She doesn’t mince any words.

There is nothing much from the original book scene expect they get married in the court of miracles as a means to save Gringoire and Esmeralda rejects him afterwards. While it would have been nice to have the jug scene or a longer song with some of the book lines, Notre Dame de Paris did get the core basics of the scene and really that’s all it needed to do.

 

It has been said that the two most talked about things at a wedding are the wedding gown and the cake. Well we did wedding gown so ;et’s talk about cake and I just mean the look of the thing.

As I see it you should keep to being inspired by Notre Dame herself and will save you the two second don’t look up Notre Dame cakes on google it’s just the university.

Notre Dame Wedding cake Design picture image

Notre Dame Wedding cake Design

Typical with wedding cakes that are inspired from architecture is that you get the elements for the tier rather than making an exact replica. So this my very own crappy design of a Notre Dame de Paris, glorious I know.

Tiffany Style stained glass Wedding cake picture image

Tiffany Style stained glass Wedding cake

So could also just take inspiration from the Rose Window. Stained Glass window cakes are not uncommon but I haven’t seen one that is Notre Dame’s rose window but the point is clear.

Esmeralda and Phoebus figurine picture image

Esmeralda and Phoebus figurine

I would also recommend getting little bells as cake topper as wedding bells are cute and they fit the book. Of course if you can find a Disney Esmeralda and Phoebus figurine you could use that too.

As Long as there’s a moon Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

As Long as there’s a moon Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

Way back in 2011, I looked at the two attempts that the Disney Verison tried to give Phoebus and Esmeralda a love song (read here). One song was called In a Place of Miracles and the other was called As a there’s a Moon. The second song depicted the wedding scene of Esmeralda and Gringoire only with Phoebus instead of Gringoire and Quasimodo being present.

As Long as there’s a moon Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

As Long as there’s a moon Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

Of course Disney added things but they did have the jug and counting the pieces. Unlike the book the jug in this deleted sequence broke into a thousand pieces instead four. Really Clopin just counts to three and goes up to thousand, either he couldn’t count or was just lazy.

As Long as there’s a moon Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

As Long as there’s a moon Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

The obvious additions are the moon. There has to be a moon which would have been lovely in the movie, Disney’s Hunchback had amazing lighting so this would just added another facet to the spectrum. Another add-on was Quasimodo joining Phoebus and Esmeralda’s hands. This was to give Quasimodo something to do since the directors REALLY didn’t want to take focus off of Quasimodo for any length of time even for five minutes. In hindsight Esmeralda and Clopin are the more popular so it would have been fine and it would have given the audience a chance to get behind Phoebus and Esmeralda’s love.

Esmeralda As Long as there's Moon Demo Reel Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

Esmeralda As Long as there’s Moon Demo Reel Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

Also Esmeralda would have gotten another costume change so you know I’m all for that.

The issue is that since it was delated we don’t how the flow would have work. To us now it looks like they just would had a love song right after Phoebus and Quasimodo told them about Frollo coming but they would have fixed that for the pacing. I do think the movie could have used a love song and it’s again hard to judge this song as demo. It seems meh to me but it’s like one person singing with storyboard so it just a rough demo.

As Long as there’s a moon Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

As Long as there’s a moon Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

The sequence is a lot more romantic than the book but it got the idea of it pretty well it’s shame that the director were so focus on Quasimodo that it rob us getting a love song but we still have to suffer through a guy like you.

Well this is a tad awkward, I have seemed to have run out of weddings in The Hunchback of Notre Dame and there is still another Monday this month. Well I will cheat next week but for this post let’s go in the dark area of fan-fiction and think about wedding that didn’t happen but could have in our hearts.

Phoebus and Esmeralda– If you want to get all technical, this one does happen in the Disney version and would have in the 1923 version. If they had gotten together in the book my guess is it would have been another Court of Miracle wedding.

Frollo and Esmeralda – Let’s face there are a lot of people who are Fresme followers, did I spell that right? This one is a little more than unlikely since it hinges on Esmeralda choice to go off with him and she was less afraid of dying than him btu Fan0fiction we can do what we want. This wedding would have been small maybe really only them somewhere outside of Paris or where ever Frollo had his little hide-out he spoke of. Though Frollo would have to left the church which I think he could have done for Esmeralda.

Gringoire and Djali – Technically they do end up together and Djali was a doppelgänger for Esmeralda but No No No this wrong.

Fleur de Lys and Quasimodo – Yeah this one just a bit of fantasy that I’m not even sure would make as a Fan-fiction but you never know.

Clopin and Esmeralda – Well he is married but maybe in fan-fiction anything can happen. They would totally have a Court Miracle wedding with lots of drinking and probably more food than Gringoire and Esmeralda’s quick affair.

What couple would like to see married in Hunchback?

Bride Wars picture image

Bride Wars

At last, we come to the low hanging fruit. This movie hangs so low of that it’s on the ground, really this movie doesn’t seem like a challenge to review. I’m talking about the 2009 travesty known as Bride Wars. Really, this movie is so bad that Nostradamus himself predicated its coming. Ok no, that is giving this shit-poo too much credit and it’s not the worse movie in the world, it only has a 10% on Rotten Tomatoes when Happily N’ever after has a 4% and Alone in the Dark has 1%, so where not in that area of totally ass-ness but we venture close, very close.

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) at the wedding planners Bride Wars picture image

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) at the wedding planners

The movie is about childhood friends Liv and Emma. Both have a happy memory about having tea at the plaza in June and seeing a wedding, they both decide at the tender age of young girl that they both want to have June weddings at the Plaza. So they both Live in New York City and Liv (Kate Hudson) is a perfectionist control-freak lawyer who somehow lost her parents or something, the movie doesn’t really fleshed that out and Emma (Anne Hathaway) is a people-pleaser middle school teacher.

Both have serious boyfriends and both become engaged at the same time. Both go to the same wedding planner and they are told there are three spots at the Plaza in June, two on the sixth and one 27th. So Liv takes the 6th and Emma 27th but OH the plot, there was a mix-up and they are both on the same day Nooooooooooooo! So because they don’t really want to ruin their ideal wedding dreams, they start attacking each other in girly-bitch methods like getting one fat, rumors, embarrassment, messing with tanning and hair dye and full-on wedding fight. They pretty much reconcile when Emma, who had been having friction with her fiancee decides on their wedding day to call it off. SO Liv gets married and Emma doesn’t but at the end she marries Liv’s brother and they find out they are both pregnant a year later, hello sequel that never happen.

Liv (Kate Hudson) with blue hair Bride Wars picture image

Liv (Kate Hudson) with blue hair

Ok. number ONE, the plot of competing best friends could have and should been handled before they were even told. Second, it was a breech of contact and they had the right to sue. Third, why the fuck didn’t the other bride just switch? She would have been operating under the assumption her wedding was the 6th and not the 27th. The plot just rest on something that is stupid and fixable but the movie wants to spend more time on women acting like selfish bitches.

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) catching a bouquet Bride Wars picture image

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) catching a bouquet

The movie also tries to justify Liv and Emma acting like children. First they both have this idea that any wedding that isn’t at the Plaza in June it is beneath them but they wrap this up in Liv and Emma having reasons for their attachment. Liv’s excuse is that the Plaza was the happiest memory from her childhood, and yes that is a better reason than Emma’s who has just been saving up for it though she makes less money than Liv the Lawyer. But also Emma is a people-pleaser who can’t really say no, so she wants something for her.

So they both think they are justified BUT they both could have had it they had taken better action in the first place. And REALLY is June  important? I can understand the location but the month? Some months aren’t good but they made it seem like June was the fucking end all be all and not the person they were marrying.

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) Bride Wars picture image

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway)

Briefly let’s just talk about the guys, Liv’s boyfriend just gives in to her and pretty just chill, I forgot his name. Emma’s guy, Fletcher is overbearing and just wants Emma to be a sweet little person with no emotions or that is how the movie wants us to view him because we can’t feel sad when him and Emma break up to allow for Liv’s wedding. Also Emma ends up with Liv’s bother of whom gets like two scenes with Emma and exhibits no personality, so match made in heaven I guess.

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Liv's groom cutting their "Trendy fusion" cake Bride Wars picture image

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Liv’s groom cutting their “Trendy fusion” cake

Now we talk about the weddings. The most ironic thing about this movie is that wedding that is not in June and not at the Plaza is better looking than Emma’s and Liv’s dream elitist weddings. Granted, we didn’t see that wedding only the reception. I forget what their themes were but Emma was something like minimal romantic and Liv’s was trendy fusion but the two decors didn’t match. Emma’s was like black with roses and not like fun Victorian gothic a la Phantom of the Opera but like just ugly and dour. Liv’s was just like gold tones, which I think looked prettier but it wasn’t trendy fusion and futhermore WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Romantic minimal yeah I get that but Trendy Fusion? Fusion with what? Do you have  like mason jars with like Indian wedding deatils mixed with Cherry Blossoms? I’m so confused. Everything about Liv’s wedding SCREAMS traditional and not at all trendy or Fusion.

Their wedding looked like shit and they played $350 plus taxes per person for that venue. Gah F this movie its ear.

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) in their wedding gowns Bride Wars picture image

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) in their wedding gowns

Then we have the gowns. Both were designed by Vera Wang. Ok, first this movie makes the claim that Vera Wang gowns are so wonderful, that you don’t alter the gown you alter yourself to fit the gown. First this was supposed to be for giggles and a Liv’s gained 5 pound pay-off but so the fuck-of-sake that is the just elisted bullshit that Vera Wang herself said was dumb, and this shit was giving her free adverstiment but really she doesn’t need it. So f-you short girls, you better figure out how to grow seven inches so you can fit into this overpriced gown, may be you could stench yourself.

But the gown themselves, Liv’s tulle ballgown was overrated. It’s pretty standard as wedding dresses go. I mean there is nothing really to it other than sheer volume. Emma’s wedding gown is much better BUT in the context of the story it was her mother’s wedding gown which means now I have to do MATH, I so hate this movie. So let’s just say Emma is roughly late twenty to early thirties and for this let’s just say she is 28 given the college being ten years ago lines, This would mean that she was born roughly early 80s‘ about 1981 or 1982. This means her parents could have been married anywhere from 80 to sometime in the 70s and let’s me just say, NO WEDDING GOWN FROM THAT TIME LOOKED LIKE EMMA’S FUCKING WEDDING GOWN YOU DUMB FUCKS! Just google pictures. Good GOD, really I can’t like Emma’s gown on a contextual level and I don’t like Liv’s gown on a personal level.

 

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) after bride bitch fight Bride Wars picture image

Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) after bride bitch fight

Bride Wars sucks as it just elitist bullshit about two horrible women doing terrible things to their best friend because f-you my wedding day.

One version I haven’t discussed very much is the 1977 British made for Tv-movie and that is because I haven’t reviewed it and I don’t really like it very much. However this is the only version that I know of that has TWO weddings. It has of course Gringoire and Esmeralda’s wedding and Fleur de Lys and Phoebus though it seem more like the reception than the actually wedding.

Let’s just with Esmeralda’s and Gringoire wedding.

Michelle Newell as Esmeralda with Christopher Gable as Gringoire 1977 Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Michelle Newell as Esmeralda with Christopher Gable as Gringoire

Unlike other version, Esmeralda gets a white veil in this version. I’m not sure why they added this and moreover I can’t tell if it’s cheesy as fuck or cute. I’m going for cheesy. They properly break the jug though the four shards for four years is not there, instead they are stuck together. However they get dancing, which is fun though I’m of the opinion that the Court of Miracles don’t need excuses for drinking and merriment.

Then we come to the wedding night. Esmeralda gives Gringoire some soup. Gringoire then both creepily and awkwardly tries to seduce Esmeralda. She on her part is not having it and puts him is his place quickly without any flowery language. Gringoire seems chill with their sibling-like relationship but he still tries to seduce her, like it’s pathetic.

Hetty Baynes as Fleur de Lys with Richard Morant as Phoebus de Chateaupers dancing at their wedding with corpses  1977 Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Hetty Baynes as Fleur de Lys with Richard Morant as Phoebus de Chateaupers dancing at their wedding with corpses

And then we have Fleur de Lys and Phoebus’ wedding thing. This part is like a giant F-You. At the end of the movie, Esmeralda has been hung and Frollo is dead on the cobblestone. As Esmeralda’s body hangs and Frollo’s body litters the ground, Fleur de Lys, who is a delightful bitch this movie, come parading out with Phoebus. And they dance around the bodies as a happy music plays. Why Movie? That is one of the worse endings of any hunchback version. I mean it’s amusing in darkly fuck up way but still.

Oh Fleur de Lys wore white. White for brides came in to fashion in 1840 with Queen Victoria’s wedding. In the Medieval period bride wore Blue as it was the color of purity. So her in white is just cheesy so at least both weddings are consistent in style.

This wedding or rather marriage is both symbolic and quite literal. After Esmeralda is executed and placed in a crypt, Quasimodo seeks in, lays down besides her, embraces her and dies next to her. So no actual fancy wedding takes place but the union is very clear and by god is it bittersweet.

Unlike the other weddings in Hunchback, this one seems like it genuinely came from a place of love even though Esmeralda is a non-player in this union, which I feel should bother me a little bit now that I think about it but it doesn’t really. The two skeletons wrapped in the embrace is so lyrical and tragic that it’s just so beautiful and the ending chapter gets me every single time I read it.

It’s also nice play on the whole “till death do we part” since death literally brought these two together.

I do wish more movies and adaptations would do this ending. We get it in the 1956 version and Notre Dame de Paris. Der Glockner hinted at it and I think, could be wrong, but English version of the Disney musical did it do, I think. I’m pretty Esmeralda dies at the end so why wouldn’t they do it. Then again the 77 version had Esmeralda die and didn’t do it but then again that’s the 77 version for you.

27 Dresses picture image

27 Dresses

Most wedding movies are notorious for being bad even if they are just sort okay-ish and/or dull and cliche. 27 Dresses, released in 2008, is one such movie. It’s far from worse movie ever made but it is so steeped in cliched cliches that is just so dull.

Katherine Heigl as Jane as Southern Belle Bridesmaid 27 Dresses picture image

Katherine Heigl as Jane as Southern Belle Bridesmaid

The story follows Jane (Katherine Heigl), a people pleaser who just wants to help every one and loves wedding. Like she is obsessed with weddings and she is madly in love with her boss, George (Edward Burns). She hopes that if she has no life of her own George will notice her or something. Senpai will not notice you!

Jane’s younger sister Tess (Malin Åkerman), comes into town and falls for George and he’s interested in her. In classic middle school fashion, Tess then lies to George to seem like she has things in common with him, like that she is a vegetarian who like outdoor activities and likes dogs. While Jane watches Tess steal George, a mean attractive writer is stalking Jane. This writer named Kevin (James Marsden), writes wedding related articles but he wants to prove his worth and writes a piece of Jane who has been a bridesmaid 27 times and he hates the wedding industrial complex while Jane loves it, so friction and snarky romance ahoy.

So Jane plans Tess’s s wedding, which she wants to be just like their dear departed mother’s wedding which was Jane’s dream. Jane then learns about the article after she sleeps with Kevin, they had been getting less snarky by that point, and she gets mad at him. Then Tess cut up their mother’s wedding gown to suit her style which causes Jane to go over the edge. Jane then humiliates Tess at the rehearsal dinner with a slideshow which reveals her lies and the wedding is off because you DON’T LIE ABOUT PUPPIES!

Then stuff gets resolved, Jane and Tess make up, Jane quits her job and Kevin and her get married and all the brides she was a bridesmaid for are at her wedding, in the dresses that they put Jane in which I think is bitchy and vindictive but I think the movie thought it was sweet gesture or something, I dunno.

Judy Greer 27 Dresses picture image

Judy Greer in 27 Dresses

As you can see this movie it cliched as fuck, it does nothing really that new. It just takes that old saying, “Always A bridesmaid never a bride,” and made it into a movie because getting married and having a wedding is the fucking end all be all, am I right? At least this how the lesser wedding movies operate.

However there was one thing I did like about this movie and it’s what got me through all the trite over-played dullness, this movie reminded me of shows I like. Judy Greer played Jane’s rude best friend, Casey and she was in Arrested Development and is in Archer. James Marsden and Maulik Pancholy, who played Kevin’s co-worker, were both on 30 Rock. And Of Course, this movie was referenced in an episode of Bob’s Burger called Gene It On. Otherwise this movie is as interesting as diluted cheap Vanilla Ice Cream.

Katherine Heigl as Jane with Malin Åkerman as Tess and Edward Burns as George 27 Dresses picture image

Katherine Heigl as Jane with Malin Åkerman as Tess and Edward Burns as George

But you know just because a movie is cliched and dull doesn’t mean there can’t be good characters. Oh, wait no, I’m wrong, interesting characters would negate the dullness. No, the Only thing that is remotely interesting, beside Judy Greer, are the ugly bridesmaid dresses. The rest of the characters are dull, predicable and stupid. Jane is a push over who likes wedding, Tess is egoistical, Kevin is snarky and George is ummm I have no idea, he didn’t have much of personality except nice. At least Casey’s rudeness was something but she was a minor-character so the movie didn’t to try to make the audience like her so  she was just Judy “you’re not my supervisor, say good-bye to these” Greer.

Katherine Heigl as jane in ugly purple dress with James Marsden as Kevin 27 Dresses picture image

Katherine Heigl as jane in ugly purple dress with James Marsden as Kevin

So let’s talk about the wedding in this movie, well counting Jane’s at the end there are three and one planned. The first one is standard, the second is was a Hindu-Jewish wedding and third was goth or heavy metal thing. So two out of three had personality though really movie, spike dog-collar for the bridesmaid.

The only thing we see from Tess’s wedding is her Amsale gown which was actually supposed to her mother’s gown cut up which causes Jane to loose her shit. Tess apparently took the mom’s gown because she was trying to be like Jane and part of that was stealing Jane’s dream of having their mom’s wedding. It was just so fucking contrived. The dress was alright, though I don’t think that style is still in but it was bitch move.

Jane and Kevin’s wedding was on a beach. I wish there was something in their characters that made this venue make sense. Like what about them says a beach? They didn’t seem like outside people. One line about them liking beaches could have help. It just seemed like a catalogue stylish thing for the movie to do.

The former Brides in the bridesmaid gown they picked as Jane's wedding 27 Dresses picture image

The former Brides in the bridesmaid gown they picked as Jane’s wedding

It’s just a little more than sad that the dresses of 27 Dresses are more memorable than any of the characters.

Salma Hayek as Esmeralda and Edward Atterton as Gringoire, 1997 Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Salma Hayek as Esmeralda and Edward Atterton as Gringoire

Despite being a sort of remake of the 1939 version, the 1997 version handles the wedding scene of Esmeralda and Gringoire VERY differently. It is sort of like the 1939 movie but only at its most basic core.

Gringoire wanders into the Court of Miracles, he’s almost hanged, Esmeralda saves him and they are married. However no jug is broken. Not breaking the jug is not a deal breaker per say but it is a weird subtraction since that was the name of the chapter but Gringoire does faint.

The wedding night doesn’t occur either like it does in the book. Instead it happens the next day as Gringoire is eating some of Esmeralda’s home-cooking. What is interesting is that during the wedding night scene in the book and  in the 1939 version, Gringoire tries to seduce Esmeralda. When she rejects him, Gringoire then says he’s cool with being friends and living like brother and sister. In this version he goes straight for accepting that  even though Esmeralda never rejects. In fact Esmeralda is more in to him in this version than other version. This is easier to accept in this version since Phoebus is a non-entity.

In fact it’s Esmeralda who is coming on to him with caressing him as she teaches him how to juggle and them kisses him because she wanted to.

So while the 97 has some basic similarities to the 1939 version, it is quite different. It’s just weird that they don’t have the jug and that Gringoire is cool with relationship that Esmeralda typically set-ups in other versions only to Esmeralda put the moves on him and never reject him at all.