This is a list of the worst Live-Action Fairy Tale movies that were reviewed. This list was hard to compose because there was just so many bad movies and they were bad in different ways. Some were just bad, some confused the source material the point of insanity and some did both. But when is came down it it came to a question of which one would I rather watch again.

Also a note I’m adding two posts on movies that I personally was disappointed in and ones I liked were were surprised by, these movies also do not appear on the Best/Worst lists.

 

Number #10

 

Mila Kunis as Theodora Oz The Great and Powerful picture image

Mila Kunis as Theodora

 Oz the Great and Powerful – This one made the list more on wasted potential and its odd casting. Mila Kunis and James Franco were just too ill suited in their roles. There were just too many odd other choices to ignore, like none of the characters have good motivations. The movie does have nice technicals like the China Girl but a lot of the techicals come at the expense of the characters. Plus Mila Kunis as the wicked witch was just silly.

 

Number #9

Amanda Seyfried as Valerie Red Riding Hood picture image

Amanda Seyfried as Valerie

Red riding Hood – Yes, this movie sucks and is pretty much a Twilight version of Little Red Riding Hood.  I get the feeling though that people working of it more less knew that and just went on because it’s a paid check. However given some of the other movies, I would rather watch this one. Plus the very first time I watch it I didn’t hate it as much as I thought I would so that is something, granted I was hanging out with people and having fun so the movie might have been a mute point.

 

Number #8

Tom Hanks as Allen & Daryl Hannah as Madison Splash picture image

Tom Hanks as Allen & Daryl Hannah as Madison

Splash  – I know a lot of people out there like this movie but I found all the characters so unlikable. The plot also sucks with the mermaid time limit, the weird rules and the whole government thing.  It’s dumb and unlikable.  Plus it lost me the second they said let’s look at Cape Cod, stupid movie.

 

Number #7

Emily Blunt as The Baker's Wife, James Corden as The Baker and Daniel Huttlestone as Jack Into the Woods Picture image

Emily Blunt as The Baker’s Wife, James Corden as The Baker and Daniel Huttlestone as Jack

Into the Woods – If Splash under explained its plot than Into the Woods over explains it to the point where you don’t even need to watch the movie, just listen to it in another room. I mean what’s the point of a visual median if you don’t need to watch the thing?  Though to be fair this movie is so dark and devoid of good visuals anyway that you’re not even missing anything.  It’s really disappointing since that could have made the visual interesting and they didn’t and with musical movie you need or it’s get boring, like this one.

Number #6

Alex Pettyfer as Hunter/Kyle and Vanessa Hudgens as Lindy Beastly picture image

Alex Pettyfer as Hunter/Kyle and Vanessa Hudgens as Lindy

Beastly – Yet another Twilight-eque take on a Fairy tale. In this world being bland and tattoo is super ugly and if you don’t live in Manhattan you might as well just kill yourself because you’re in exile. This one is just shallow, vapid and stupid. I mean really the guy won the girl with quite literally candy and flowers.

Number #5

Amanda Bynes as Sydney with The Seven Dorks Sydney White picture image

Amanda Bynes as Sydney with The Seven Dorks

Sydney White – Oh this one is so stupid that it hurts. The sad part is that I think the movie thinks that it is indeed being clever and funny, which it is not. Also I hate the whole girl is cool because like a dude but with a vagina. Hated this movie.

Number #4

Kristen Stewart as Snow White & Chris Hemsworth as The Huntsmen Snow White and the Huntsmen picture image

Kristen Stewart as Snow White & Chris Hemsworth as The Huntsmen

Snow White and the Huntsmen – It’s a kick-ass Snow white movie, problem is the girl doesn’t do much of anything except for the one thing a man taught her.  There just so much just wrong with this movie that it’s impossible to put it one paragraph. But it a chaotic mess that promised an active Snow White but didn’t not. The only thing we really get is a screaming Charlize Theron in some cool costumes but that isn’t enough, it’s really nothing.

Number #3

Angelina Jolie as Maleficent picture image

Angelina Jolie as Maleficent

Maleficent – This movie is just so misguided that it’s a wonder that they actually made it. It’s basic a Frozen and Wicked knock-off just with Sleeping Beauty. But what really gets me is that they took the Mistress of all Evil and made her a scorned woman who was really a good fairy. Just so much No. Also so was more a prankster than an evil villain.

Number #2

Matt Damon as Will and Health Ledger as Jacob The Brothers Grimm picture image

Matt Damon as Will and Health Ledger as Jacob

The Brothers Grimm – The idea behind this movie might have been good but the excution was beyond annoying. The jokes were not funny and character all sucked.  Everything and I do mean everything about this movie was pure rancid vomit that at no point was I entertained or amused.  Why was this even made? Who gave someone the money to make this?

Number #1

Eliza Bennett as Snow White Grimm's Snow White picture image

Eliza Bennett as Snow White

Grimm’s Snow White – What can really be said about a movie when the people making it had the intention and the hope that no one watching it was paying attention? Beyond that I just don’t know what to say about this movie as it’s not telling the story of Snow White that I’m not even sure why the threw in the elements and slap the name on it in the first place. First off this is more of a Lord of the Ring knock-off than a Snow White but also Snow white is Blonde, it’s just what the fuck is this? The Dwarves are Elves and the Evil Queen wants some Star Fire. Even if the plot misses the point of either source there nothing else that this movie offers of substance, the characters were so devoid of anything that you can’t even call them characters and the technicals are cringeworthy.

This is the worst thing I have ever seen. This movie makes Happy N’ever After and Milo’s return look like works of brilliance and those movies are shit.  Grimm’s Snow White isn’t even shit, it’s the festering bowels  of a beached whale carcass that is so corrupted by the polluted waters that it will not wither away into nothingness.

The real question is what is worse Grimm’s Snow White or The Swan Princess: A Royal Family Tale? That is too tough to even think about.

The Top Ten Worst Non-Disney Princess Movies (that were reviewed.)

In someways this was harder than the Disney sequel worst list because on the whole, I found these movies far worst, like so much worst. Most of these movies were PAINFUL to sit through.

Number #10

Princess Camille, Flip, Nemo, Icarus, and Professor Genius Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland picture image

Princess Camille, Flip, Nemo, Icarus, and Professor Genius

Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland – At best you can say Little Nemo is average, at worst it’s an insipid annoying movie with bland characters, awkward animation and ditzy dialogue. It could have been so much more. Though it was all about pie and pies are yummy and mathematical.

Number #9

Daria and Rollo The Princess and the Pea picture image

Daria and Rollo

The Princess and the Pea – While I do admit to being charmed by this movie and enjoying it a bit, it still doesn’t change that it was dumb. The main character is hardly in it at cost of a side characters and a pea that turned out not to mean anything.

Number #8

Felix, Oriana, and Pim Felix the Cat the Movie picture image

Felix, Oriana, and Pim

Felix the Cat; The Movie – This is just a WEIRD movie. Should it lose points for being weird? No, I like weird but it’s also annoyingly stupid and the sound mixing made this movie so much worse.

Number #7

Princess Glory and Prince David Guillver's Travels picture image

Princess Glory and Prince David

Gulliver’s Travels – One word, Gabby. Gabby is still one of the single most annoying thing I have ever seen. Also the animation was jarring.

Number #6

Princess Yum-Yum and Tack The Thief And The Cobblerpicture image

Princess Yum-Yum and Tack

The Thief And The Cobbler – This should be lower on the list but you know what saves it? Richard Williams’ original animation. Otherwise it’s a just a train wreck. The filler animation is beyond haphazard, the songs make your ears bleed, and the characters are so weak they can’t lift a golf pencil.

Number #5

Tuptim The King and I Picture image

Tuptim

 

The King and I – This movie single-handedly made it so that the Roger and Hammerstein estate have a no-animated movie policy. Good job movie, your’s is a lameness unmatched.

Number #4

Gorbash, Peter Dickinson and Princess Milisande The Flight of Dragons picture image

Gorbash, Peter Dickinson and Princess Milisande

The Flight Of Dragons – While I do concede there was an interesting idea in this movie, it is F-ing beyond bad and boring. So many things are explained in way too much detail but more is not explain at all. How is that chick a princess? I always come back to this one as one of the worst and  it’s really hard to believe there are three worst than this but there are.

Number #3

Snow White and her Prince Happily Ever After picture image

Snow White and her Prince

 

Happily Ever After – Avoid movies with the words Happily and After in the them, your life will be greatly improved. This is one of the most annoying movies ever. The main characters are an after-thought for the side characters who make you want to lobotomize yourself with a rusty spoon. Though writing the review for it was fun mainly because this movie is so dumb, I mean they named the bad guy Maliss. Why not just name him Señor Bad-Man? Wait, that might be too clever.

Number #2

Zelia and Amin The Singing Princess picture image

Zelia and Amin

 

The Singing Princess– I debated a lot whether to put this at number one because not only was this an awful movie but the racism made really me really uncomfortable, of course the King and I was somewhat racist too but this was far less entertaining. The reason it’s not Number 1 is because I had two positives instead of none which were Julie Andrews and  some nice backgrounds. And yes, the animation was terrible but it was Italy’s first animated movie so it’s a touch more forgivable. I still hate it a lot though, like a lot.

Number #1

Ella and Step-Mother Frieda Happily N'Ever After picture image

Ella and Step-Mother Frieda

 

Happily N’Ever After– This movie has no excuse for being bad. It wasn’t the first anything, it was a massive immature cash grab. It was an ugly uninspired anus of movie that only positives was that Bender’s was a voice in it and I don’t think John DiMaggio was trying, I mean why would he? Quite literary I hated everything about this movie.

If the life of an unfamiliar puppy was on the line and I had to either watch Happily N’Ever After or Milo’s Return to save it, I think I would pick Milo’s Return but if were my life I would pick the sweet embrace of the grim reaper but since it’s a puppy I’d pick THE DISNEY SEQUAL OVER THIS SHIT, because it’s shorter and the lava dog was cute.

 

Next Time the Best, which was also hard to compile.

With the Non-Disney Princess Movies done I thought before jumping into the next set of movies that we would take this month to revisit the previously reviewed movies and I would give my take on the best and worst Disney Sequels and Non-Disney Princess Movies and then I will say what the next bunch of movies will be.

So let’s start with the WORST Disney Sequels. And Just a note I’m not including the Pooh movies or shorts, which there was one only but still.

So here they are the Worst of Disney’s crap!

Number 10

Ariel and Flounder at The Catfish Club The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning picture image

Ariel and Flounder

The Little Mermaid: Ariel’s Beginning – Sure the animation was better than most but the movie lacked focused. We were promised Ariel’s beginning and we get Sebastian’s. Other than that the movie is just clumsy but at least it’s a different story. Really this makes the list for it’s lack of focus and false title.

Number 9

Ariel and Melody, The Little Mermaid II; Return to the Sea picture image

Ariel and Melody

Little Mermaid II; Return to the Sea – This one was just a lukewarm rehash of the original Little Mermaid and was lazy to boot but I would rather watch this than most sequels if not because I didn’t hate when I FIRST saw it and if they were just going to copy a movie I can think of worse movie to rehash than the Little Mermaid but it’s still bad.

Number 8 IT’s A TIE

Mowgli and Baloo Dancing The Jungle Book 2 picture image

Mowgli and Baloo Dancing

Peter Pan and Jane Return to Neverland picture image

Peter Pan and Jane

 

 

 

 

 

The Jungle Book 2Peter Pan 2: Return to Neverland – I really couldn’t decide between these two. Both have the same issues, they are dull, safe and annoying plus they were somehow deemed good enough for theaters, What? These movies both suck. At least Shere Khan is awesome.

Number 7

Angel and Scamp, Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure

Angel and Scamp

Lady and the Tramp II; Scamp’s Adventure – Speaking of rehashing, however unlike the Little Mermaid this movie doesn’t get the style right plus the characters are annoying as shit. Puppies couldn’t help this movie and that is just so tragic.

Number 6

Belle and the Beast Ice Skating, Beauty and the Beast; The Enchanted Christmas picture image

Belle and the Beast Ice Skating

Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas – What can you say about this one? Beast is a Scroogey-grinch, a Jewish Axe, for I dunno why and evil emo Tim Curry organ, this should have been AMAZING with such core story components but alas this was just weak as Zima.

Number 5

Madeline and Quasimodo in Love Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney Sequel 2 picture image

Madeline and Quasimodo Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney

The Hunchback Of Notre Dame II – Now technically I didn’t review this for the Sequel series as I had already looked at it in length because it’s Hunchback but it’s still sucks. Quasimodo tricks a girl with low self-esteem to like him when he see nothing really beyond her looks. I suppose he liked her a bit for seeing the gargoyles but as we see in the original the gargoyles can pick and choice who they interact with like Hugo with Djali and the whole they fight against the soldiers. But coupled with the dumb plot, the songs and animation it’s just awful but I would rather watch it than the rest of the movies on the list and that how it only ranked fifth.

Number 4

Tod and Copper The Fox and the Hound 2 picture image

Tod and Copper

The Fox and the Hound 2 – First off, Midquels are just yucky by nature, second, they joined a freaking band. So dumb, there is nothing in this of substances or entertainment. And again a puppy and a baby fox couldn’t save it. Disney what is wrong with you?

Number 3

Kronk and Miss Birdwell do the spaghetti scene from lady and the tramp Kronk’s New Groove picture image

Kronk and Miss Birdwell do the spaghetti scene from lady and the tramp

Kronk’s New Groove – This movie, this movie made want to drink bleach to forget it. I really do believe I’m stupider for having watch it. This movie should have been fun but it was just movie reference after movie reference till you break down and weep from the lack of creativity. This one is just an over-all Disappointing.

Number 2

Belle and the Beast, Belle’s Magical World picture image

Belle and the Beast

Belle’s Magical World – Groans, this was yet another Midquel but it wasn’t just any Midquel it was the first Midquel. As a Midquel is just took a shit on the first one since when would have the events had happened? Beast starts acting nice to Belle on first night at the castle when she thanked him from saving her life from the wolves. This movie is dumb and muddles the original.

Number 1

Obby and Milo Atlantis; Milo's Return picture imahe

Obby and Milo

Atlantis: Milo’s Return – OMFG this was literally painful to watch. I hated every single second of this minus the Lava Dog thing. This one is just a lifeless turd. There is nothing interesting or memorable about this movie. My brain is hurting just having to think about it again, Oh, the pain is too much.

Next time the Best or rather Comparatively the Top Ten Best Disney Sequels.

The Worst Hunchback Version Poll picture image

The Worst Hunchback Version Poll

Which version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame is the worst?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

 

These songs were judged based on how lame the song was musically and contextually. Originally I want to keep it to movie but I didn’t. Hunchback versions like Secret of the Hunchback, Jetlag, or Enchanted could have dominated this List but that a little unfair as they are very much the worst of the worst that everything about them is crap. So I’m limiting their amount. I pretty must keeping this movie version with one exception because it’s my list.

10.  A Guy like You, Disney

Gargoyles A Guy like you Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Gargoyles A Guy like you Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

Compare to the other songs on this list, this is a masterpiece. However when you compare it to the other songs in the Disney movie, it’s really BAD. The song builds up Quasimodo’s confidence only to have it crash down right after this song.  However the way this done is by focusing on Quasimodo’s look and not his personality which is contrary to  whole point of everything in this movie.  However the music, singing and lyrics are all decent.

9. The Bells all Ring, Enchanted Tales

 Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

I once read a comment on this song that it lowers intelligence and yeah it’s pretty damn stupid. It comes out of nowhere and somehow this is the love song for Esmeralda and Quasimodo who just met.  But the bell imagery fits. So while it is indeed  very very stupid it’s harmless it won’t impact your intelligence too much.

8. Fa Fa Fa Fallen in Love, Hunchback II

Madeline and Quasimodo Fa la la la Fallen In Love Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney 2 Sequel

Madeline and Quasimodo Fa la la la Fallen In Love Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney

This song is just a big ball of weird confusion. It is both pedantic and stupid and it proves it doesn’t understand the characters. First, it uses words like roundelay and madrigal but then it has lyrics that go “Oh, Wow”  and  has “Fa La La La” in the title whatever intelligence and cleverness it was trying to get out the big words is wasted.  But my annoyance with this song is  because it’s Quasimodo who have fallen in love and how big a deal it is that “Love has nailed him” and “Love’s derailed him.”  It really should be Madeline (the girl) who has been derailed. Quasimodo’s life goal has been to be love  so love can’t nail him or derail him when he has been working and hoping that this will happen to him.

7. Take your Cares and Toss Them, The Secret of the Hunchback

Gargoyles sing to Quasimodo,The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Gargoyles sing to Quasimodo,The Secret of the Hunchback

One of the most infamous songs in The Secret of the Hunchback is the Gargoyles’ song. The Gargoyles’ song  is infamous because the gargoyles sing “doo-wa” in  a jazzy manner while wearing sunglasses and playing instruments. Oh it’s idiotic. The context is Quasimodo is imagining the gargoyles are cheering him up. So while it’s kinda of works in way  it just an excuse to get a singing gargoyle in the movie. The whole thing is a failure of execution but so is the rest of the movie.  I will say that this song does a better job of telling Quasimodo that he is awesome. In fact “you’re awesome” is an actual lyric. It’s lame but  given the movie it’s not surprising.

6. Frollo’s song, The Secret of the Hunchback

Frollo singing, The Secret of the Hunchback, picture image

Frollo singing, The Secret of the Hunchback

If Jafar and Gaston had a love child it would be this version’s  Frollo. In The Secret of the Hunchback, Frollo is the sheriff of Paris or something. His motivation is he wants the gold of Notre Dame and as this “villain song” implies he is going to use it to take over the world.  So yeah his motivations are generic and confused much like this song. Musically this song feels all over the place and ends with Frollo going very low which feels weird and out of place. But I give the singer some credit as he says “Forte” correctly, so that is something.

5. Si Tu Pouvais Voir en moi (If you could see inside me), Notre Dame de Paris (2001)

 Gio di Tonno as Quasimodo, Notre Dame de Paris Itlaian  version picture image

Gio di Tonno as Quasimodo, Notre Dame de Paris Italian version

While I do think another song Notre Dame de Paris is worst, I excuse it since it is a bridge song. This song was a bridge song before they turned it  into  Quasimodo’s judgmental song. This song was not original to the show. Originally it was a bridge song for a Frollo song but instead it’s Quasimodo singing about Esmeralda being shallow for not noticing his pure love and the other guys lustful intensions. The thing we got all that from “Belle” (one of the greatest hunchback songs ever)  and it’s just plain out of character for Quasimodo to sing those things. And considering it’s short and musically it’s only a few chords getting the character wrong is a major issue. And  to make matters worse this song doesn’t even have to exist as it’s a replacement song. I realllllllllly HATE this song.

4. Love is Everything, Jetlag

Quasimodo and Esmeralda embrace Jetlag version Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Quasimodo and Esmeralda embrace

Love is Everything is ending song for the Jetlag  version and boy oh boy is it a lazy piece of exploitative deleted. Quasimodo sings about how love is awesome and he’s happy to be in love and to be loved Blah blah blah how many songs are like this? But they use the tune to “We Three Kings” which makes zero sense. At least it’s not a national anthem which some of the lazier Hunchback song use. Overall this song is lazy, stupid and boring.

3. Dance to the Music of Paris, Enchanted Tales

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda,Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame  picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

This song is the opening song for Enchanted Tales.  Unlike The Bells all Rings this song  attacks your intelligence. First  the song has no clue what time period the story takes place it. It uses the Can-Can as the melody. But this song is a  cesspool of horrific lyrics. Lyrics like “Oui Oui,” “ooo la la,” and “the food is delicious, it’s pure gastronomy but don’t ask what’s in it because it’s Paris mon ami.”  They also rhyme Rhythm with Rhythm.           They also repeat a TON of clips not in this part but throughout this version. This song is so complex in its awfulness that I can not even express it properly.

2. I’d Stick with you, Hunchback II

 

Quasimodo and Zephyr I'd Stick With You Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney Sequel 2 picture

Quasimodo and Zephyr I’d Stick With You Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney

I’d Stick with you is a buddy  song between Quasimodo and Zephyr (Esmeralda & Phoebus’ son). It’s Zephyr posing a stupid scenario that if he was covered in glue would Quasimodo still be his friend. Oh My Goodness, is that Stupid. The song is just to show Madeline that Quasimodo is nice.  The song has this sing-song way about it makes you want to hit mute.  The lyrics are awful, half of them are set-ups so they can rhyme with “stick”.  It bad, really bad but there is one song that out stupids it.

1. Magic in your heart, Enchanted Tales

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame  picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

This song….this song…….(cries) what fuck is is this?  So ummmm, Melody a.k.a Not Esmeralda, has been arrested and sentenced to die and to make herself feel better she sings this uptempo abomination. She starts imagining that items in her cell came to life and start dancing around. Items like hay, iron bars, and stone blocks. She also gives instruments to mice.   Considering that she can make instruments come to life with annoying personalities, I find it hard to believe that this only her imagination. But the song has no purpose in a Hunchback version. I mean I guess it shows her character but Not Esmeralda never showed a personality other than blandly nice so there is no point to this. I mean she doesn’t seem at all concern that she is going to die.  The lyrics are crap, the visuals are stupid, context is shit, and the singing is grating.

Get all these movies and witness the awfulness yourself;

Disney/Sequel Blu-Ray

The Jetlag Version

Enchanted Tales

The Secret of the Hunchback
Notre Dame de Paris (Please Note- The song on the list isn’t in this version)

 

Esmeralda and Clopin Notre Dame de Paris

Esmeralda and Clopin Notre Dame de Paris

I have created a new Notre Dame de Paris Lens,  “The Top Ten Worst Song of Notre Dame de Paris“. As much as I love NDdP I know not every song is that great or even good. I started this Lens a few weeks ago and finally decided to finish a few days ago. It was actually hard to come up with ten but I did, so find out which song are the worst of the show.

And feel free to disagree with me. So click the link to find out what they are and why……..Enjoy

http://www.squidoo.com/top-ten-worst-songs-notre-dame-de-paris

2019 update- if you’re reading this in 2019, Squidoo no longer exists and this post will be removed at some point.