Grimm’s Snow White Review; Da Fuck you say?

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Grimm's Snow White picture image

Grimm’s Snow White

Guys, you have no idea how rancid this “movie” is.  So Grimm’s Snow White is another 2012 Snow White movie which was ONLY made to capitalized on Snow White and the Huntsmen.  It was made by The Asylum films who made Sharknado and I hate to this it but Sharknado at least is more entertaining than this. The filmmakers gone on record to say that people shouldn’t even pay attention to it, it’s meant for people to get drunk while it’s on in the background. Also like our old friend The Flight of Dragons, it a made on demand type DVD and again I hate to say it bit The Flight of Dragons was better. So guy we have a level shit-vomit movie here.

Jane March as the Evil Queen Grimm's Snow White picture image

Jane March as the Evil Queen

The movie starts with some backstory and if you thinks it about Snow White’s mother wanting a child with ebony hair, blood red lip and skin as white as snow, then you are a fucking idiot. This back story is about how a star made this magic flame that created some cheap dragons who protects the flame and Legolas Elves who can use the flame’s magic and there is a prophesy about some chosen on who will bring peace or something. After that two minutes of exposition I needed a five minute break because this shit is fucked. What story am I in? Because it’s not Grimm’s Snow White.

Anyway from there we have FAIRlY standard Snow White story plotting along. The Evil Queen doesn’t like Snow White, who I have to mention is blond. There is a Prince and the Queen wants to marry him because that stupid green flame is on his land, supposedly. But the Prince like-likes Snow and gives her a ring. The Queen tries to kill Snow but before the Huntsmen can a CG dragon thing attacks. He doesn’t kill Snow but she is hurt because the plot need to knock-out to meet the Dwarves erm I mean Elves, who  are enslaved by humans or something, they just don’t like people.

More standard stuff, the Queen poisons Snow with a fucking ring, which is dumb. Kiss stuff blah blah blah. Not too epic fight, not sure where Snow learn to use a bow and arrow. Prince is hurt, Snow kills the Queen and magic love bull-crap save dumb prince and stupid trite ending. Hooray it’s over and you didn’t die from either bashing your head on your desk repeatedly or choking on your vomit.  I mean the smart thing is just to turn the cursed movie off after the first two minutes because you know it’s bad after that.

Eliza Bennett as Snow White and Jamie Thomas King as the Prince Grimm's Snow White picture image

Eliza Bennett as Snow White and Jamie Thomas King as the Prince

What story were they trying to tell here? A Snow White knock-off? Maybe but with Lord of the Rings mixed in and devoid of ANYTHING good. I’m not sure why they bother with one or the other because they didn’t gel together. Well actually it was because of the Hollywood movie and this was literally a VERY cheap knock-off. I will say that some of the principle actors make some of it work but not enough to make it. Just bless the actor for being in this shit, I hope you guys were well paid.

Eliza Bennett as Snow White Grimm's Snow White picture image

Eliza Bennett as Snow White

But maybe you say, well the story is shit but how about those  characters? What characters? I mean there were humanoids talking and in the story but they are so bland that the CGs act more real, I kid those CGs are shit but we’ll get to that. So yes that characters sucked and had nothing interesting about them EXCEPT for the yellow elephant of this movie, the Blond Snow white.

Now personally, I don’t care, this movie is beyond a floating turd in a gas station toilet that to harp on this seems like I’m yelling at rock. This movie got nothing right but why? Snow White is so engrained with a set look and they didn’t even try. The Queen looked like she should have been Snow White. I’m not sure what the decision process was behind it because it just so weird. Did they think there were being edgy? Because she looked more like Sleeping Beauty, or Cinderella, or Alice Wonderland than Snow White. why does this movie make fucking K-Stu’s Snow White look respectable?   Did they think a wig would have looked fake? I know that can’t be the case because of those FUCKING CGS.

Eliza Bennett as Snow White with shitty CG dogs Grimm's Snow White picture image

Eliza Bennett as Snow White with shitty CG dogs

Now let’s talk about those CGs and the technicals because you know they are vile odorous shit. The CGs are so bad, they make me cringe any time the come into frame or even mentioned. They look so fucking cheap and  fake. Sock Puppets would have looked better or Clay animation. Anything!

The rest of the movie looks and feels like low budget movie made by LARPers who had some means but not enough. Like sets are poop and the costume are uninspired. I’ve seen skits at REN Faires that are better. But you know what was REALLY funny in a bad way it that when you looked at the elves ear tips they were never the shade of the actors and they have this weird corpse like gray color to them. So Again it was all shit.

Jane March as the Evil Queen, Eliza Bennett as Snow White and other people Grimm's Snow White picture image

Jane March as the Evil Queen, Eliza Bennett as Snow White and other people

And that what Grimm’s Snow White was; Shit. It wasn’t “Grimm’s” story, it wasn’t enjoyable. Just don’t watch it. I wished to I could have been so lucky as to turn it off or better still if I had never heard about it.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bleach my brain in a vain attempt to forget this ass-fart of moving picture played in a sequence because it is not a movie.

It’s so bad I’m not even putting links for it.

Also no Clues this week, I’m taking a break from these Thrusday movie reviews. We’ll resume them in January but I will say there is a bit of a theme to them for next month.

 

The Neverending Story Review; Yes, Moon Child is spelled with eight Os

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The Neverending Story picture image

The Neverending Story

Ah, the 1980’s when it was totally ok to traumatized the child audience with creepy imagery, weird complex meta plots and harsh heart-break. This is where the 1984 movie The Neverending Story comes in. It was based on the first half of a book of the same name by Michael Ende.

It was a West German English language movie. At the time it was the most expensive film produced outside the USA or the USSR. It also spawned two bad sequels, which I’m not getting in to.

Noah Hathaway as Atreyu and Falkor The Neverending Story picture image

Noah Hathaway as Atreyu and Falkor

So nerdy, cowardly bibliophile, Bastian is getting chased by bullies and hides out in a creepy book store. He impressive the shopkeep with all the book he has read but the shopkeep tells him that the book he is currently reading is different. Bastian takes to book though he promises to return it. Bastian then skipped a math test to read the book in the school’s creepy attic.

The story is about a world called Fantasia that is quickly being reduced to nothing. The Nothing is some kind of weird force engry thing erasing the world. The ruler of Fantasia, The Childlike Empress is somehow dying and she summons a warrior from the Plain people who hunt the Purple Buffalo, Atreyu to find a cure for her illness. Atreyu has to leave all him weapons behind but is given AURYN which like The Empress symbol and will protect him.

So off Atreyu goes on his quest with his horse pal Artax. They are being follows though by an agent of the Nothing, a wolf-like creature named Gmork. Atreyu literally wonder around aimlessly till he get an idea to ask a great old ancient one named Morla but to get there he has to go through the Swamps of Sadness. There if you let the sadness get to you, you drown. This what happens to Artax, he becomes sad, sinks, and dies, and if you don’t cry at this scene your heartless.

Atreyu meets Moral who is a giant Turtle and is the mountain that Atreyu was standing on, this freaks out Bastian and his scream is heard by Atreyu and Morla. Anyway Morla is a little draft and not super helpful to Atreyu. Moral suggests that Atreyu go to the Southern Oracle who is 10,000 miles away. Atreyu despairs and in nearly caught by Gmork but he saved.

He is saved, treated and brought close to the Southern Oracle by Falkor, a luck dragon who just like children. Atreyu then meets Engywook and Urgl. Engywook is an expert of the Southern Oracle and he shows Atreyu the first gate to get to the Oracles, The Sphinx Gate. Those who don’t know their own worth are killed by the gate. Atreyu tries to pass through but he loses his confidence. He does escape teh blast from the Sphinx’s eyes but Engywook bemoans that he didn’t tell Atreyu about the Mirror gate which shows a person’s true self. At the icy gate Atreyu sees Bastian reading the book, which freaks Bastian out and he throws the book but resumes reading.
Atreyu gets to the Southern Oracles who tells him the only way to save the Empress is for a Human child to give her a new name. Atreyu tries to find the human child but Nothing hits them and he falls off Falkor and he loses AURYN. It’s here that Gmork shows up and tells Atreyu that Fantasia is a place made up of Human’s imagination amd the nothing is like adult apathy. He also says he in league with the nothing because with out Imagination and hope people are easier to control. Atreyu then kills Gmork.

Falkor find AURYN and Atreyu but Fantasia is destory and it just bits of ground. Atreyu wonders if The Empress‘ seat of power, The Ivory Tower exists. They find it intact. Atreyu meets with the Childlike Empress. She tells him that Atreyu did not fail his quest and they he brought a Human child with him who has been with him on his quest. Bastian relieve she is talking to him. She begs him to give her a name. Bastian is hesitate but give her the name of Moon Child, which was his mother’s name, and I can hear him say Moon Child. The Empress shows Bastian the only bit of Fantasia that exists, a single grain of sand but through Bastian dreams and wish he can bring back Fantasia. Bastian then makes a wish to fly Falkor and scare the bullies.

Barret Oliver as Bastian The Neverending Story picture image

Barret Oliver as Bastian

According to some, the book is better as it has more going on and Atreyu is green. I never read the book though I have heard the author didn’t really like the movie but let’s just keep to the film in question.

So this story is REALLY complex, I’m not sure I can get my head fully around it. That or I’m trying too hard. The story makes it’s clear that Atreyu and Bastian are like two side of the same coin. Atreyu was picked because he was the one to appealed to Bastian and in turn Bastian is a surrogate for the audience watch him.

So does that mean, if I were to read the story in the film’s context that I would get the same story but with a different character? Like the character I relate to does the same things as Atreyu, which really isn’t that much and I give the Empress a new name like I dunno Sally or Mabel Joy Snickerdoodle the Third? Or would be a different story? Or is the battle with the nothing and the the renaming the first time you read the book then after you get the Emptiness and the Babbies? Or something else. See what I mean about over thinking it? But there is this lovely philosophy that the movie has about the power of one’s imagination.

Noah Hathaway as Atreyu and Artax The Neverending Story picture image

Noah Hathaway as Atreyu and Artax

As I mention before this movie has its moments of scaring children, both in the movie and to the audience. First this movie was very hard on the child actor who played Atreyu, Noah Hathway. He was hurt twice and nearly lost an eye. The role was also looked physically exhausting.

But more than that there is the Swamp of Sadness scene where Artax dies and you can see Atreyu’s going through of the stages of Grief and really his performance makes that scene heartbreaking never to the horse just stand there. Also the horse didn’t really die, there was an elevator which admittedly hurt Hathaway and not the horse. The movie shows that you that child can take a lot of dark and sad imagery as long there is a happy ending and at the end Artax is alive again, though that scene will always get me.

Tami Stronach as The Childlike Empress, The Neverending Story picture image

Tami Stronach as The Childlike Empress

I’m a character person, I can forgive a lot if I like the characters. So how are the characters? Well, they are interesting in their simplicity. Most are not deep or fleshed out with engaging backstories, problems or flaws.

The most developed character is Bastian since we get a sense him and he is the only was with flaws and a character arc of overcoming being a wuss and learning there is value is dreams and imagination. And even still his is annoying.

The rest of the character have elegances to the way they presented in the movie. Their simplicity makes them likable in a effortless way. I would say for me my favorites character are Falkor and the Childlike Empress but the racing snail was so adorable so honorable mention.

The Sphinx Gate The Neverending Story picture image

The Sphinx Gate

The technicals in this movie are lovely. Sure at time they look stagy but there is a nice lush and realness to them. It gives the movie a very unique look, tone and atmosphere. Everything looks like it was made to best of the ability at the time and it adds so much to feel of the fantasy.

Also while costumes are really a focus in this movie, I love The Childlike Empress’s Art Noveau pearl white gown, it’s so pretty.

As I just want to add, I love way the world feels very big and old in this movie.

Barret Oliver as Bastian and Falkor The Neverending Story picture image

Barret Oliver as Bastian and Falkor

The Neverending Story is a classic example of 1980’s children fantasy. Is it a perfect movie? No, is fun and interesting? Yes!

Deep Roy as Teeny Weeny with the Racing Snail The Neverending Story picture image

Deep Roy as Teeny Weeny with the Racing Snail

clue 1 and Clue 2

The Slipper and the Rose Review: Cinderella gets a puppy

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The Slipper and the Rose Cinderella picture image

The Slipper and the Rose

The Slipper and the Rose is another title I randomly found. It was made in 1976 and it was based on a book of the same name. From what I can gather it was musical movie not based on a stage show, which was more of the standard back then. These days it’s more typical that movies are based of a pre-exiting stage show unless it’s Disney.

Anyway this is a Cinderella movie. So we have have seen intellectually ass-kicking Cinderella, a Gandhi type Cinderella and one who likes nuts but how does this one compare? Well Cinderella in this one is nice, as in the norm but this movie isn’t really Cinderella’s story it’s more about the Prince.

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Richard Chamberlain as Prince Edward The Slipper and the Rose Cinderella picture image

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Richard Chamberlain as Prince Edward

The plot is quite simple but have some differences. Prince Edward of some made-up European country, Euphrania, is being pushed to marry a royal princess for both succession and secure an army. Edward however would rather marry for love and doesn’t fancy any of the princesses.

Meanwhile, Cinderella’s‘ father has died and she is pushed into serving for her mean stepmother and dum-dum step sisters. It was either that or go to an orphanage. One day Cinderella seeks off to her parents graves. She then spies on the Prince who does notice her. When she returns home her stepmother is mad at her and gives her a mountain of vegetables to prep. She then gets a visit from a woman who has magical powers who gives her a dog and while Cinderella’s back is turned finishes her prep work.

The King arranges a ‘Bride Finding Ball” for the Prince which he is not keen on but his  foppish cousin wants a lady. Also there is a subplot that Edward’s servant companion, John, is in love with a lady too far above him and his position in life makes him unable to anything about. The king extends invite to his subject to fill up the room. The stepmother and the step-sisters miss their chance to get new gowns she Cinderella is forced to rework old gowns into new ones. She doesn’t do a good job and the magical woman visits her again and she reveals she is a fairy Godmother. The Fairy Godmother does Cinderella work and stepmother and the girls are please. The Fairy Godmother decides to revisit Cinderella and decide she will borrow magic to get Cinderella to the ball. The magic has to be return at midnight so she must leave before then.

Cinderella makes her entrance as Princess. Edward falls instantly in love with her. They dance and bond for a little but she runs away at midnight and leaves her very dainty glass slipper. Edward does the customary slipper search but can’t find her. Three months later Edward makes a monument to his lost love. He then elevates John to a knight so he can go after his lady love. Edwards get mad and throw the slipper away off some tower.

Cinderella’s dog finds it and brings her to it. John sees Cinderella and tells Edward. Edward and Cinderella reunite and decide to get married. Edward asks the stepmother for permission which she grants and Cinderella forgives her which the stepmother doesn’t take kindly too.

The political implications of Edward marry a girl without the aid of a strong country backing her prompts the king to send Cinderella into exile. Cinderella then asks the Chamberlin to lie to Edward saying that she never loved him. Edward mad that he has lost his love twice says he will marry who ever father wants but the line ends with him.

On the day of Edward’s wedding, The Fairy Godmother sees Cinderella in exile saying this wasn’t her plan and now she will have to something spectacular. As Edward is getting married Cinderella comes down the aisle after the bride which causes a commation. The Fairy Godmother convinces the King to allow the marriage and makes it so Edward’s cousin and the Princess Edward was suppose to marry to fall in love. And thus Cinderella and Edward get married.

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Annette Crosbie as the Fairy Godmother The Slipper and the Rose Cinderella picture image

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Annette Crosbie as the Fairy Godmother

I knew nothing about this movie so I was very surprised to actually like it as much as I did. It’s very entertaining. Is it deep with developed characters? Yes and no. There isn’t much to Cinderella though she does have a bit of a mouth of her when the stepmother first made her a maid. She also doesn’t except anything from the ball and meeting the Prince. He wanted marriage and she wanted a fun night out, they make that clear. But this movie does give the Prince a.k.a Edward and the Fairy Godmother more to do.

A common complaint I have seen about the Fairy Godmother is that she only helped Cinderella go to ball after years of abuse. Here she does help her more than once and Cinderella wasn’t subject to years of indentured servitude, maybe nine months, tops. Also I like that movie gives a reason for why Cinderella must leave before Midnight instead the standard magic shit just wears off.

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Richard Chamberlain as Prince Edward The Slipper and the Rose Cinderella picture image

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Richard Chamberlain as Prince Edward

This movie is really about the Prince. His motivation is just he just wants to be in love with someone he wants. Not a deep or novel motivation but it works. The movie builds up the class systems and how it’s in opposition to Edward’s desire. In fact every song with the exception of the the Fairy Godmother/Cinderella’s make over song is either about Positions in society or love/marriages.

Gemma Craven as Cinderella The Slipper and the Rose Cinderella picture image

Gemma Craven as Cinderella

The reason why the simplicity of the characters work is because this movie is really well acted. The actors sell everything. Edward and Cinderella have such a good chemistry with each other that it makes up for their love at first sight love. I don’t think the roles are hard to play but they do a good job conveying everything. For example right before Cinderella enters the ball Edward makes this face the indicated he annoyed by another Princess arriving but then his face lights up when he sees her. It’s a subtle little thing but it a good example of the acting in this movie.

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Richard Chamberlain as Prince Edward The Slipper and the Rose Cinderella picture image

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Richard Chamberlain as Prince Edward

So at last we come to the technicals. Well this movie is very stagey in its editing and direction. I can see this being off putting to some. I didn’t mind it. It’s not the best but I think it adds the tone of the movie. The songs aren’t amazing but they are fun. I didn’t hate any of them. Protocolligorically Correct might have been my favorite.

Now the costumes. They were wonderful. They were all impeccable and just added so much to the vibe of the movie. They were in that 1740’s style of fashion. They even recreate Jean-Honoré Fragonard’s Swing painting for Cinderella’s exile gown. Even Cinderella’s working dress is pretty. However there is an subtly in the way the movie presents the costumes that it doesn’t really call attention to itself as it just woven seamlessly into the film. I think comes the movie keeps to one style and all the costume even for the extra seems just as lovely as the ones for the leading characters, with some exceptions.

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Annette Crosbie as the Fairy Godmother The Slipper and the Rose Cinderella picture image

Gemma Craven as Cinderella and Annette Crosbie as the Fairy Godmother

Is The Slipper and the Rose the best Cinderella movie version? Maybe not but it is very enjoyable. I would recommend it if you want 2 hours of fun songs, beautiful costumes and likable acting.

One clue this week because I’m making it too easy.

Penelope Review; Rich People Suck Moral

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Penelope picture image

Penelope

There is a lot of films that are modern takes on Fairy Tale or more precisely fairy tales with a modern setting. Placing a Fairy Tale type story is tricky, you have create certain atmosphere to make it believe for the setting but you can’t have the movie take itself that seriously, I.E. it has to know its place and not be a brooding Twilight-shit storm of a mess.
One such movie with a Fairy Tale modern setting is 2008’s Penelope. It’s by accounts a nice movie and by that I mean pleasant but not really super memorable either.

Christina Ricci as Penelope and James McAvoy as Johnny/Max Penelope picture image

Christina Ricci as Penelope and James McAvoy as Johnny/Max

Penelope tells the story of super elite Penelope who due to a family curse has pig nose. This causes her mother to keep her apart from the world and even goes as far to fake her daughter’s death. The only was to break the curse is to have one of their own kind accept her.

So her parents, or really just her mother, Jessica had rich other blue blood young men to win her heart but all are scared off by her nose. One man tell the papers about Penelope and he is dubbed crazies. He and a newspaper gut then you a in debt blue blood named Max to get a picture of Penelope to prove both them right.

However Max and Penelope bond and when she reveal herself to Max she miscontrue him not wanting to marry her to break the curse for him finding her ugly instead of him being unable to break it as he not really Max the rich blood blue but just Johnny some guy.

So Penelope leaves home and makes some friends. But the she sells her own picture to the news guy. The city then falls in love with Penelope and the first blue blood then is made to marry Penelope in order for people to like him and to break Penelope’s curse even though he can’s stand her cursed face. Penelope can’t go through with it and decide she likes herself curse and all which breaks the curse.

Penelope then becomes a teacher and a popular halloween costume. She then learns the Max/Johnny couldn’t undo the curse but it’s ok because they are in loves.

Christina Ricci as Penelope Penelope picture image

Christina Ricci as Penelope

Ahh, the beautiful ugly, I know you well. Jolie Laide is a French expression that means the psychical flaws are embraced as a part of the person’s overall beauty. Quasimodo, The Phantom, The man who laughs and the Beast fall into this concept but to a more extreme degree.
However all these are dudes, Penelope is a lady with the ugly trait and she has to embrace it to be herself. It’s a weird moral, when she loves herself it makes her look normal despite the point that she wasn’t really all that ugly in the first place. It’s a weird little moral that is really mixed up in its scope. Love yourself and then you’re normal? I don’t it feel like it was sincere in its sentiment but presented badly. Though I do like that it a female who is the Jolie-Laide even if her deformity is still adorable.

Christina Ricci as Penelope and James McAvoy as Johnny/Max Penelope picture image

Christina Ricci as Penelope and James McAvoy as Johnny/Max

I give this movie credit, it explains the fairy tale elements well while mixing it into the modern world. Like why can’t Penelope get a nose job? Because some weird reason that it lodged into brain and will kill her. Instead of being a Princess locked in a tower, she’s a blue blood socialist from an old family kept away from the world.

There is some stuff I don’t think work out that super well, like Penelope in real world and how well she deal with it and makes friend. But it could have been that part wasn’t as interesting as it should have been.

Christina Ricci as Penelope Penelope picture image

Christina Ricci as Penelope

There nothing wrong with this movie as a whole but nothing about really stands out. It’s cute but there anything really interesting? No. It should have been, the characters are all likable in their ways and it acted well but it just alright.

Perhaps if the technical were more stylish it would have stood out. As they were they were just okay. I remember Penelope’s nose and like two costumes but that is it. I give the movie had like a kid like sense of style like clothing from Anthropologie. It has the calculated DIY feeling but is really commercial and basic but trying to be cutesy. I didn’t hate it, I like stuff from Anthropologie, I can’t afford it but I like it but doesn’t make for a good style in a movie with nothing else really going on save for a pig nose and Peter Dinklage in an eyepatch.

Christina Ricci as PenelopePenelope picture image

Christina Ricci as Penelope

I want to say Penelope is charming but it’s clunky in its storytelling, delivery and style. Really it’s just lukewarm.

Clue 1 and Clue 2

Into the Woods Review; This movie is allergic to story

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Into the Woods Picture image

Into the Woods

Here is a conversation I had with this movie right after I wanted it.

Me: You can’t have your characters sing/say how they feel, that makes me feel angry!
Into the Woods: Look, what do you want?
Me: I want my two hours back!

This is common info but I have to say it anyway, Into the Woods is a 2014 musical fantasy movie based on the musical of the same name by Stephen Sondheim. It’s a parody of classic fairy tales as multiple fairy tale characters meet in the woods, get it?

Apparently this movie was in development for a long time, like early 90’s but it wasn’t till the  another musical that this movie got the interest of Rob Marshall, director of Chicago.

As you might be able to gauge from my conversation with Into the Woods, I didn’t care for this movie, but you would be wrong, I utterly loathed it.

Emily Blunt as The Baker's Wife, James Corden as The Baker and Daniel Huttlestone as Jack Into the Woods Picture image

Emily Blunt as The Baker’s Wife, James Corden as The Baker and Daniel Huttlestone as Jack

The “story” goes that this Baker and his wife want a baby but they can’t for some reason. Reason comes busting through their door in the form of a witch who tells them that it was a curse that was put of the baker’s family for his father stealing her vegetables so that the family tree would stop. However he also stole some magic beans which cursed the witch into be old and ugly. So she makes the Baker and his wife get some items, A white cow, a red cape, a gold shoe and yellow hair. And they have to find them in the woods.

Lucky all the characters they meet in the wood have the items they need. Jack an idiot, has the cow. The Baker and wife trade the beans which they happened to find in the Baker’s pocket. Jack uses the bean to climb up the beanstalk and steals from the giant to get his cow back. Red Riding hood, a kleptomaniac with a sugar addiction has the red cloak. The Baker at first tries to steal it from her but she gives it to him after he saves her and her granny from the pedophile wolf. The Baker’s wife then runs into Cinderella, a shy insecure girl who just wanted to go to festival a.k.a the ball. The Barker’s wife tries really hard to get that shoe. The Baker’s wife gets it when on the third night of the festival Cinderella runs away from the prince and she just lets her have it. The barker’s wife also get Rapunzel’s hair, who is locked in a tower and no real personality what so ever. She is locked up there by the same witch who they are getting the items for. Rapunzel is also the baker’s little sister too and his also mixed up in a love story with random prince #2. The hair turns out a bust since the witch can’t have touched the items, that’s a rule and then cow died so Baker had to get another and covered it with flour. But it’s really whatever since the witch just brings the cow back to life and the use corn silk. So yeah wife gets pregnant instantly and witch gets pretty and happy ending for Cinderella for her prince seems to come but then LADY GAINT attacks. She is pissed for Jack killing her husband and robbing them and he’s the good guy.

Then I guess things go to shit. Cinderella and her prince aren’t working out. Jack’s mom dies. The Cinderella’s prince cheat on her with the barker’s wife and then she dies. The witch wants to give jack to giant but no one agrees with her so she just peaces out. And then Cinderella uses her birds to beat the giant and happy ever after with the baker.

Anna Kendrick as Cinderella Into the Woods Picture image

Anna Kendrick as Cinderella

So what makes this movie bad? Well lots of things but let’s just focus on the only positive I had about it. And if you read my reviews with any regularity you might think it’s the costumes but nope, I will get to that later. It would be the actors. I think all the actors try really hard to make it work while movie itself doesn’t care. They all sing well though Little Red Riding Hood’s singing style I find annoying.

Also I don’t really believe Anna Kendrick as the shy demure Cinderella, she does try but I don’t believe it but she sings it well. Really this movie should have been more about the actors conveying emotions than then telling us how they feel.

Lilla Crawford as Little Red Riding Hood Into the Woods Picture image

Lilla Crawford as Little Red Riding Hood

Which bring us to greatest sin in this movie, this movie at EVERY SINGLE turn just tells the a viewer what the characters feel through narration, dialogue and singing. I feel like a broken record but show don’t tell is a cardinal rule of movie making.

In a stage show you say a little more since there is an energy that is part of the experience but not in a movie. In fact at one point in this movie, the narrator says that Red Riding Hood is suprised but it doesn’t show in her acting and then she SAYS that she feels uneasy. Just fuck you movie.

Chris Pine as Cinderella's Prince and Billy Magnussen as Rapunzel's Prince Into the Woods Picture image

Chris Pine as Cinderella’s Prince and Billy Magnussen as Rapunzel’s Prince

This anti show don’t tell concept is a massive step further as the movie tells the audience about the things that are happening to the characters. For instance we never see Cinderella at the ball in fact we never seen Cinderella interact with the Prince at all, save for like two exchanges with them same with Rapunzel and her prince. We do see them talking about it though. In fact the princes sing about the their agony of not being with there lady loves to each other despite the fact that we never seen them together. The two princes whining constitutes more scene time then with their loves. So any character development is told to us after the fact.

This make the musical numbers boring as instead showing us what they talking about in creative ways it’s just basic editing as someone sings about what just happened. Though in one instance there is a flashback but the movie literally presented the same scene like 90 seconds before the flashback so even the flashback is boring and pointless.

I won’t say I’m an expert of musical movies but I alway want to like them. But if you’re just going have a characters sing and spin around you might as well just have then say lines. Musicals in movie form need something visually interesting to help keep attention. Climbing a tree or moving around a set doesn’t work. Play with the lightening, editing, or something. It very bad and telling that at the ten minute mark the movie becomes exhausting to watch and the first song was the most visually interesting as it moved from character to character.

Anna Kendrick as Cinderella and Emily Blunt as The Baker's Wife Into the Woods Picture image

Anna Kendrick as Cinderella and Emily Blunt as The Baker’s Wife

Speaking of lightening and sets, why does it seem like all recent live-action musical movies are gritty and dark? Why is Hollywood trying to make musical movie real life?

This worked a movie in Les Mis though I still didn’t like that movie because it was all sort of pretentious shlock, but it worked in Chicago but that movie played with Roxie Hart as she imagined the musical numbers. Considering Rob Marshal directed both Chicago and Into the Woods he should had a handle on what a musical movie good and entertaining. People wandering in a dark forest and singing about their feeling without giving a reason for them and cutting all the pesky story parts doesn’t a good movie make, I don’t care what your bubble of Hollywood says. You know Hollywood I hate to tell you this but if you’re a musical where singing is a norm to convey information you kind lost the right to give the movie a weird sense of legitimacy but making it “real.”

Then there are the costumes which I could barely see through the dark lightning of the movie. Though when you can make them out they aren’t really anything. They are just adequate at best at worse they are uninspired. Really they could have just had wearing back unitard with their role written on them and it would have had the same effect.

Meryl Streep as The Witch Into the Woods Picture image

Meryl Streep as The Witch

Into The Woods could have been a good movie if the movie cared enough to tell the story instead of reporting it through songs that were performed with ugly sets and poor lightening. It they had done more interesting things with adapting the original musical into a film it could have been so much better. Skip it but then again the movie skips itself.

Clue 1 and Clue 2

Mirror Mirror Review: The Beast Lures you into the Unknown

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An Over the Garden Wall Reference! Awesome! Moving on though.

Mirror Mirror picture image

Mirror Mirror

In the glorious year of 2012 the world was treated to not one BUT two Snow White movies. One was an epic sort of action movie that feautured Snow White leading an army and having “fairest blood,” whatever the fuck that is. The other was comedic but did have Snow White fighting though on a smaller scale. Which one is better? Well that’s a question of taste as neither one is a good movie. Both of them are stupid and dumb in different ways but I find Mirror Mirror to be easier to watch and my taste is the only one that matters.

Lily Collins as Snow White and Armie Hammer as the Prince Andrew Alcott Mirror Mirror picture image

Lily Collins as Snow White and Armie Hammer as the Prince Andrew Alcott

The basic story set-up is the same except that Snow White’s father, the King, leaves to fight some evil thing and he is  never seen again. He leaves his new Queen/Sorceress Clementianna in charge.

Some years later,  Snow White is eighteen and mostly confined to her room. Clementianna  would you believe turns out to be a crappy ruler. She is so bad that they can only afford one season which is winter. No seriously the kingdom is broke and they have having a little localized ice age.

Snow White is encouraged from some of the kitchen staff pals to check out the town, apparently this kingdom is just one town but whatever so off into the world Snow White goes or just the creepy looking forest, just get used to this forest. There she meets Prince Alcott and his servant who are tied up and were rob by dwarfs one expandable slits, which is really cool. She helps them and they has a little instance attraction though they don’t know that they are both royality. So Snow White goes to town and sees how bad it it and Alcot goes to castle for I don‘t recall why might have had something to do with the plot. Clementianna takes a liking to the Prince and wants to marry him as he is rich and good looking and what else is there really? She decides hold a ball and to pay for it she will tax the people.

Snow White and Alcott dance together and the find out each other identity but Clementianna doesn’t like that so she has her man-servant Brighton take Snow White into the creepy woods to kill. Brighton is a coward and decides to level her there for the Beast to kill or turn her in a tree of oil, I kid, that is another Over the Garden reference. Snow White then finds her way to the dwarf’s lair.

The next day, Brighton collects the taxes and the Dwarfes steal it. Snow White disapproves but they tell her that they were made outcast by the town so the don’t give a fuck. Snow White takes the money back and gives all the credit to the dwarfs. The Dwarfes decide that she can stay with them. They give her a training montage and a new threads.

Clementianna then tells Alcott that  Snow White is dead and then as Clementianna is tries and pop the question to Alcott, Brighton tell them about the robbery.  Alcott then goes  into the forest and see Snow White is not dead but in leauge with the dwarf and him and her have a little duel.

Clementianna then goes to her happy place, her Mirrior house where he reflection lives. Clementianna has her reflection turn her servant into a cockroach, gives her a spell to make Alcott love her and uses puppets to marionette thing to attack Snow White and the Dwarves. They defeat them though. Alcott is given a puppy love spell which makes him act like a puppy who thinks Clementianna is his master but that enough for her to plan a wedding, it’s like her seventh or something but she still excited.

Snow and crew break up the wedding and kidnap Alcott. Snow White breaks the spell with a kiss and the Clementianna has the Beast attack. Snow White notices that the Beast has a similar charm around his neck that Clementianna has and it seems to begging for help with it’s eyes. Snow White breaks the charm and the Beast turns into Sean Bean erm the King. This also undos Clementianna’s magic and changes her into an old crone. At Alcott and Snow White’s wedding, Clementianna offers her an apple but Snow doesn’t take it. Then they Bollywood dance, of no earthly reason.

Lily Collins as Snow White Lily Collins as Snow White and Julia Roberts as Clementianna as an old crone Mirror Mirror picture image

Lily Collins as Snow White and Julia Roberts as Clementianna as an old crone

Like Snow White and the Huntsmen this movie tries to take Snow White and make her a kick-ass empowered woman. I would say this movie does it a bit better that Huntsmen. First off you see her abilty grow even though it had been like a day maybe. It’s still better that the one move Huntsmens’ Snow White learns one thing and suddenly she a genius military  leader. You could see the Snow White ruler and you could see her kindness and that she wasn’t a total push over.

Both movies do tackle the Snow White element differently too. In Huntsmen the Dwarves are useless and Mirror Mirror they do things and are memorable. The Mirrors are handled very similarly and very differently. Both are a physical manifestation of a reflection but whereas Huntsmen is a weird goo guy Mirror Mirror is another dimension with Queen’s own reflection. Huntsmen   also takes the classic approach to the sleep death and the apple and Mirror Mirror really didn’t bother that much but did keep the kiss to save the prince. Both are contrived though.

Nathan Lane as Brighton, Mirror Mirror picture image

Nathan Lane as Brighton,

The first thing one really notices about this movie other than the style is the humor or to be more exact the attempt at humor. The comedy is VERY hit or miss and sometimes it’s just awkward. I’ll give some of the jokes a pass because of Nathan Lane and he is awesome.

 

Lily Collins as Snow White Mirror Mirror picture image

Lily Collins as Snow White

Considering the humor, this movie is hard to gauge on tone and genre. It’s a fantasy, drama, comedy. I sort of felt like a I was watching a Snow White  female empowerment movie aimed at younger teens but through the eyes of a middle ages guy who thinks he is artistic. Oh wait, that’s it. It’s not bad but the presentation of this movie is really all over the place. It’s has cool visuals and bad to weird jokes.

Julia Roberts as The Evil Queen Clementianna Mirror Mirror picture image

Julia Roberts as The Evil Queen Clementianna

Speaking of being confused, the casting. For the part I think the cast did a good job, I don’t think the roles were anything too complex but they all did fine but the choices. The first time I watch this movie I kept saving to myself How was Sean Bean in this?   Since then he has been in that Jupiter Ascending movie, so guy’s got to eat and what not plus with this role it was more like a cameo. But Julia Roberts was a weird pick for the Queen. She is a  polarizing actress, I don’t know of too many people who are fans. She really did chew the scenery and gave the role a catty bitchiness which was fun but there seems like there could have been a better actress.

Also the chemistry between Snow White and Alcott was ok but they just didn’t seem right together.

Lily Collins as Snow White Mirror Mirror picture image

Lily Collins as Snow White

Well if you haven’t guessed it by now the best thing about this movie were the costumes. They are big, grand, over the top and have crazy details. I will say I’m not wild about Snow White’s orange and blue gown but I really loved her fighting  get up and the costume she is first seen in, it was very pretty. Also I liked her yellow cloak.

Clementianna’s costumes are big and insane but I enjoyed them. I liked her red gown and her wedding gown the best. I really like that all of Clementianna’s costumes have angular  pointy elements Snow White’s are softer and rounder. It’s a nice nod to their characters.

The sets in this movie look fake but are fun. The style of this movie is really what makes it interesting it would have been a dull movie otherwise that being said, I feel like the over-the-top nearly cooky visual style and the light-hearted humor/adventure tone should have worked better together but they never really came together.

 

Lily Collins as Snow White Mirror Mirror picture image

Lily Collins as Snow White

Mirror Mirror is an interesting dumb movie. It gets something right but confuses more than entertains but it was still better that Snow White and the Thor though that doesn’t really take that much. Also the Bollywood number at the end was cringeworthy.

Clue 1 and Clue 2

Cinderella 2015 Review; The Mice Save the Day

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Cinderella 2015 picture image

Cinderella 2015

I feel like on some level, the 2015 version Cinderella was cast just for me. I mean it had people from Game of Thrones (Richard Madden and Nonso Anozie), Downton Abbey (Lily James and Sophie McShera), The Borgias (Holliday Grainger) and a former Frollo (Derek Jacobi). Plus it has pretty costumes. How could I could not love it? Well, all I can say is that I wish I could like this movie more than I do. I respect it on one level but on another I’m tepid to it.

This movie was based on the 1950 version of Cinderella which is the Disney version and it also has peppering of Ever After all over it. I should also note that Kenneth Branagh.

Lily James as Ella and Richard Madden as Prince Kit Cinderella 2015 picture image

Lily James as Ella and Richard Madden as Prince Kit

This movie is for the most part a standard re-telling of Cinderella. Ella lives in a dream of peace with her loving parents until tragic fatal disease #742 kills her dear momma. As she dies, she tells Ella to have courage and be kind, which is the mantra of the movie.

Flash forward years as teenage-ish Ella’s dear papa remarries Lady Tremaine who has two daughters, Anastasia and Drisella. After a month Ella’s dear father goes off on merchant business but not before Lady Tremaine overhears Ella and her new husband recount that they miss Ella’s dear momma and that Lady T can be trying, this is the reason why Lady T dislikes Ella, at least the best reason the film offers.

While Ella’s dear papa is gone Lady T literally wastes no time pushing Ella into the attic and calling her Madam. Then Ella’s dear papa dies of tragic fatal disease #1092 while he is on his business trip. This is when Ella becomes the help which she doesn’t mind that much as it offers a distraction. Lady T and the girls are mean to her by calling her Cinderella as she sleeps in front fire and not letting her eat with them. This makes Cinderella ride off into the woods. There she see a stag that being chased, she help the stag by having it run off with her animals speaking powers which is powered with kindness. She then meets the Prince who just introduces himself a Kit. They bond and stuff and Ella tells Kit that just because things are done doesn’t mean they should be.

Because Kit didn’t get Ella’s name he asks his father, the King (name withheld) to allow all the maidens of the kingdom to come to the ball. The King agrees but urges Kit that he needs to marry a Princess and for some reason the Grand Duke wants it to be the Princess Chelina of Zaragosa, which is this movie’s answer to Spain, hey wait why she get a name but the villains don’t?

Anyway so the ball comes and Ella wears her dear momma’s dress but Lady T rips it and tells her she can’t go to the ball. Then enters the Fairy God Mother who does the magic, coach, animals to servants, beautiful ball gown, glass shoe and a disguise spell so Lady T and crew won’t know it’s her. So yeah, grand ball scene and dance with the Prince and running away at curfew and leaving the shoe. You know the drill. Also Kit still didn’t get her name.

Ok so here is where the movie gets little confusing, or just weird. So the King dies and he tells Kit he can marry for love but the Grand Duke is REALLY pushing for Princess Chelina. But Kit and him strike a deal that all the maidens will try on the shoe that Ella left and if he can’t find her he will marry Chelina. It’s also at this point that Lady T figures out that Ella is the mysterious princess that danced with the Prince. Lady T tries to brokerage a deal with Ella that she will allow Anastasia and Drisella to marry well and that Lady T will manage the country. Ella rejects this deal as Lady T would be terrible for the country. So then Lady T break the shoe and then goes brokrage a deal with the Grand Duke which is the Lady T will make Ella out of the way and she will get a peerage and the good marriages for her daughters.

So the royal maiden shoe fitter search is on and you would THINK Kit could tell which one was Ella was  or at least have the fitting apply only to young blonde but they go through every single maiden. The last place is Lady T’s house. Ella is up in the attic and she doesn’t even care that people are in her house as she just figure it not for her and she would rather twirl around and sing. The mice open the window so the people can hear her singing. As it turns out Kit, who now the king is with them unknown to The Grand Duke. So they get Ella and she finally tells Kit her name, or rather her mean nickname but it’s ok he is happy that he found her. Ella forgives Lady T who then gets banished. And Ella and Kit get married, yay.

Jana Perez as Princess Chelina and Stellan Skarsgård as The Grand Duke Cinderella 2015 picture image

Jana Perez as Princess Chelina and Stellan Skarsgård as The Grand Duke

I have a few questions. Number #1 why did the Grand Duke want princess Chelina as Queen? Did I miss that plot point? Was she or someone from her kingdom black mailing him? Were they lovers and her marrying Kit would allow for them to be together? Was he bribed? I mean tell me movie because that was his core character. If there is no reason for it what is the point I mean for more than drama? Number#2 Kit was hunting in the forest near Ella’s house and judging from shot of them going to house for the shoe it looked pretty remote, so why didn’t go there in the first place? Was it because he thought she was a Princess? Also he knew her features. I dunno seemed out place with the narrative. Number #3 How did Lady T figure out that it was Ella at the ball? I didn’t see anything that indicated that she knew till the scene where she knew. Did she read the scripit? I have other issues with Lady T, so let’s just continue.

Lily James as Ella and Richard Madden as Prince Kit Cinderella 2015 picture image

Lily James as Ella and Richard Madden as Prince Kit

As was mentioned before, this movie is a live-action remake of the Disney movie. As it goes it follows the movie decently but the focus is a little weird. To bring the movie into the modern standard, Ella and Prince Charming now named Kit meet prior to the ball. I just want to point out that Kit is a nickname for Christopher which is the name of the Prince in the Rodgers and Hammerstein version. However is having them meet once while both of them withhold information about themselves any better? Ella not giving her name for really no reason and Kit saying that he apprentice, being heir to the throne isn’t really an apprentice thought it’s a clever bending of the truth. At least in Ever After, Danielle’s lie made sense as she was trying to save a man while prentending to a member a court.

On a story level this makes sense, we need them to have more to their romance other that their being attractive but I don’t get a sense of love from them. But what this movie is really doing is giving the Prince and his father more of a characterization than in the Disney movie where the King just wanted grandchildren and the Prince is a plot point.

I do respect that Kit went along in the search for Ella. I mean it’s like duh that he should search her out as he wanted to marry her but it was entertaining that the mere fact that he was there thwarted the Grand Duke and Lady Tremaine.

Lily James as Ella and Cate Blanchett as Lady Tremaine Cinderella 2015 picture image

Lily James as Ella and Cate Blanchett as Lady Tremaine

Then we have the villains, Lady Tremaine and The Grand Duke. I would say Lady Tremaine is more the villain, however compared to the Disney version and Ever After she falls short.

First off she comes more cartoony than the cartoon and she is really chewing the pretty sets. The reason for her hating Ella is that Ella’s father prefers his first wife so she was jealous and that pretty much it. At least in Ever After, Danielle’s father’s last words were to Danielle after he looked at Rodmilla and passed her over to give his dying words to his child. Both women are petty but still, Ella’s father didn’t know she even heard him.

Second Lady Tremaine was more concerned with having parties so why the hell did she try to make a power grab? It was WAY out of character. On the practical level in the story Ella can’t go with any deal Lady Tremaine offers so there needs to the bull-shit where Ella has to be sacrifice her chance for happiness for the good of Kit and the country but it was dumb. Lady Tremaine’s deal with The Grand Duke made more sense and I think Ella probably would have gone for that deal over the one the Lady Tremaine offered her in the place.

Lily James as Ella Cinderella 2015 picture image

Lily James as Ella

Speaking of Cinderella, this version of her is polarizing. The point of her character is that she is kind and has courage but this also makes her looks like she is a push-over. She doesn’t really stand up for herself, instead she just takes the abuse. The idea here that she has the strength and courage to look the other way and she still be kind. This isn’t a bad thing so much but even if we compare her to the Disney version, Cinderella had snarky comments and she did try and talk back. Really it does make this Cinderella look more passive than the 1950’s version.

However my big issue with Cinderella is that when it came done to her getting a happy ending, she literally didn’t care. She just twirls around then sat her window and sang a little song. If the mice didn’t open the window she wouldn’t have married Kit. There was a deleted scene where she did write Kit a letter and the Grand Duke withheld it. Honestly the should kept that scene as it gave her a little agency and made the Grand Duke more a villainous bent.

I like that the movie didn’t make Cinderella some super-hero woman but it’s telling when the “Passive” 1950 does more to get out the attic (it was her idea to get the dog to save the mouse with the key from the cat) than this “modern” re-telling who really just twirls and dreams. Though I like that she was never a princess, she went right to Queen.

Helena Bonham Carter as The Fairy Godmother Cinderella 2015 picture image

Helena Bonham Carter as The Fairy Godmother

One of the big issues with movie is the pacing, this movie feels very long. It could be because the movie spends a longtime setting up Ella’s happy childhood and downfall but rushes Lady Tremaine’s contempt and the love story. It also doesn’t get into the Grand Duke’s motives.

Also the movie has weird set-ups. Like Ella’s dear momma tells her about fairy godmother when she is a kid but when the Godmother is introduced she starts as old woman and then changes. It would better to either set up the old woman, like they do in the Rodgers and Hammerstein version OR have the her be a butterfly that followed Ella (since they do set-up the motif on her dress). OR just mimic the original where the Godmother appears while comforting her. I really just felt that scene was awkward. And I hated the narrating by the fairy godmother, it got in the way.

Lily James as Ella Cinderella 2015 picture image

Lily James as Ella

If I seem like I’m bitching about this movie too much well there was something I liked. The technicals, this movie is glorious. Everything about the look of this movie is beautiful.

This movie lives in the costume. Most of the costumes have a 50’s vibe to it which is homage to the original movie. Cinderella’s ball gown really is a work of art, it moves so gracefully and has a watercolor quality that is just lovely. Really this movie looks so lush and rich.

Also the acting is not bad on the whole, though I wish Anastasia and Drisella did more, they really aren’t much more than featured extras.

 

Lily James as Ella, Sophie McShera as Drisella and Holliday Grainger as Anastasia Cinderella 2015 picture image

Lily James as Ella, Sophie McShera as Drisella and Holliday Grainger as Anastasia

On the hand I do like Cinderella (2015) but it feels too long and some the decisions that movie makes with updating the plot are just weird and confusing.

Side Note – if we got Jana Perez (the lady who played Chelina) and Holliday Grainger (Anastasia) as Esmeralda and Fleur-de-Lys in a movie version of Hunchback, I would be a-ok with that. Or Lily James as Fleur-de-Lys that would be fine too.

Clue 1 and Clue 2

The City of Lost Children Review; This Movie makes Santa Claus Terrifying

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The City of Lost Children picture image

The City of Lost Children

What can I say about the 1995 steampunk surreal mind-fuck that is The City of Lost Children a.k.a La Cite des Enfants Perdus? Really, the only thing I can say about it is that I have no idea what to say about it. It’s a weird movie that is dreamlike, wonderful and insane.

Just so you understand this movie a little better, it is a French-German-Spanish movie by Jean-Pierre Jeunet who made Delicatessen and Amelie, so if you know those movies you will get why this movie is weird.

Ron Perlman as One and Judith Vittet as Miette The City of Lost Children picture image

Ron Perlman as One and Judith Vittet as Miette

Despite The City of Lost Children being Steampunk it does have a fairy tale tone. The story follows One, a carnival strongman whose little brother has been kidnapped. As it turns out lots of children are being taken  off to an ocean rig. There is a mad scientist named Krank live and  he can’t dream, so he take children so he steal their dreams. Krank is aided by his “family” Martha, a woman with Dwarfism, Irvin, a brain in a tank who gets migraines and six clones who have narcolepsy.

One is helped by a young girl named Miette who is a member of theives guild which is made up of all orphans. The guild is run by a pair of conjoined twins known as the Octopus. The Octopus becomes distrustful of Miette because of her involvement with One. Both One and Miette are capture by a cult that kidnaps the children for Krank in exchange for optical eye pieces. One is saved from the drowning but Miette is thrown to the water is and is presumed dead. She is saved however by a crazed man who lives in a submarine and looks like the six clones but older and knows something about the children abductions. Miette leaves the submarine and finds One in a bar drowning his sorrows.

Miette and One then have to deal with the Octopus again and they use an assassin flea that injects a serum into One that to makes him try and kill Miette but due to Miette’s tear hitting a spider web that scared a bird which lead to a whole chain of rections it cause the power to go out which means the light house and a huge ship crashes into the doc where everyone is standing. One comes to his sense and he and Miette are thrown into the water. The Octopus douse them with gas and lights a match but Miete and One get away and it The Octpus who is thrown into the water and blown up.

Miette and One make their way to ocean rig to find his brother. To save the brother Miette has to go into the dream and convince Krank to let him go. While that is happening the crazy guy from the submarine sets up explosive to blow it all up. As it turns out he was the one who created them. He created Martha to his beautiful princess wife but she was a dwarf, he created Irvin to talk to but his migraines, he created the clones to be his sons, but their sleep conditions and then he create Krank his great work but he couldn’t dream and because of the he aged prematurely. Miette, One, his brother, the other children, the clones and Irvin make it off the rig before it explodes.

Mireille Mossé as Martha and Dominique Pinon as one of the clones with member of the Cyclops The City of Lost Children picture image

Mireille Mossé as Martha and Dominique Pinon as one of the clones with member of the Cyclops

Trying summarize this movie doesn’t do it justice, trust me. The plot is great, a little weird but on the whole it’s great but this movie exists in the visuals. The movie has very distinct look and feel. As I mention earlier this movie has a steampunk look but this was before it was really a trend so the other elements have non-specific period to them. There is no indication when or where this movie is set in and that adds to the fairy tale vibe.

Also this movie has a color palette of browns and reds. It give the port city a sense of danger and energy.

Irvin The City of Lost Children picture image

Uncle Irvin

The sets are also great. The advantage here is that it made in 1995 which is before CGs stuff took hold, so the sets are real. The reveals in the sets but lets them be too. It’s not trying to hard to showcase elements of the design but lets them exist in place.

Ron Perlman as One and Judith Vittet as Miette The City of Lost Children picture image

Ron Perlman as One and Judith Vittet as Miette

It’s not just the visuals that make this movie, it’s the characters. On the one hand it would seem like the movie didn’t give the characters a lot of development or compelling personality. The movie gives a light yet very controlled hand on revealing characters and motivations. Some are simple, like the Octopus wants money, that is simple. One however shows us that he has a good heart, not super well spoken but can be clever. Miette is gutsy and no-nonsense. Really the character’s flow with the plot so you understanding them as you try an understand the plot.

Daniel Emilfork as Krank The City of Lost Children picture image

Daniel Emilfork as Krank

Which bring us to the plot which is simple and yet has lots of layer like a fairy tale. It’s fairly clear that this story has a lot fairy elements at work. The backstory of Krank and crew reads like a fairy tale. Yet the story isn’t obvious in its fairy tale influence it’s just woven into the story creating the a backdrop for the surreal tone and atmosphere of the movie’s world.

Daniel Emilfork as Krank dressed as Santa The City of Lost Children picture image

Daniel Emilfork as Krank dressed as Santa

If I had one criticism of The City of Lost Children would it weird but then again that its strength . Watch it!

Today we get three clues;

Clue 1, Clue 2, and Clue 3

The Brothers Grimm Review; In French Occupied Germany there was no word for Subtly

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The Brothers Grimm picture image

The Brothers Grimm

Prior to viewing The Brothers Grimm (2005) I more recall the trailer sucking but then I saw that it was written by Terry Gilliam and starred Matt Damon, Health Ledger, Lena Heady and featured Monica Bellucci and I then thought, “Hey, maybe this won’t be so bad.” Then I watched it.

Here is me being totally and 100% objective, The Brothers Grimm is one of the worse pieces of movie vomit and I regret watching it.

Matt Damon as Will and Health Ledger as Jacob with Lena Heady as Angelika The Brothers Grimm picture image

Matt Damon as Will and Health Ledger as Jacob with Lena Heady as Angelika

The movie starts the Grimm brother’s sister is dying and Jacob, the younger one I think maybe who cares though, gets magic beans instead which Will, the older, gets mad as magic is bogus, can you guess where this plot is going?

But enough of that scene, now Jacob and Will are older. Jacob is a scholarly guy who knows legends and stuff and Will likes ladies but not magic. They scam towns based on legends and stuff. Then we see little red riding getting attacked by something.

Jacob and Will get in trouble with some French dude who has this crazy Italian minion-person because little girls are being taken by something spooky scary. Later we also see a Gretel knock-off get spirited away (That is a better movie I should have watched that).

So Jacob and Will and their crew which featured heavy fake accent Italian guy go to the Village to check things out. There they ask for guide who knows the woods where the little ones are being taken. This where they meet Angelika who knows the ways of the spooky forest where trees move and only Grandmother toad knows the right way. She takes them to a creepy tower that was once home to a vain Queen who caught the plague. Later that night another girl is taken. And they again get in trouble with French dude and it was at this point I wanted to turn this shit off because one “joke” or “gag” involved a kitten getting kicked into a fan of blades.

Let’s wrap this plot up because really this movie is shit, turns out said Queen or rather the Mirror Queen was given immortality but not eternal youth and beauty, so she got Angelika’s father to be her woodsmen and take the girls for some spell by the blood moon. Will learns to believe in magic and Jacob and they save the day by breaking the Mirror Queen’s mirror and all the little girls are a-okay.

Health Ledger as Jacob The Brothers Grimm picture image

Health Ledger as Jacob

Ok before I really start ripping into this shlock, I want to invite you into the first thought I had with this movie. It takes place in the 1700’s at some point and the movie opens with the poor Grimms giving money to Jacob to get a doctor for their nameless sister but he gets the magic beans.

Here is my issue with the scene, the kid had FUCKING GLASSES! Do know how valuable those were back then? He probably could have gotten two doctors and the cow back for those things. I get it was a character signifier but FUCK YOU movie! No! If I know their names, I can bloody figure shit out later of who is who. I can’t do that logic jump. It’s like why not just put a gold clock on the fire place while you’re at it. Also I had an issue with the only thing of them bringing up the beans throughout the movie but not their sister who didn’t even get a name, could have called her Plot-Point-Erlla. I didn’t know she had dead except in passing, really it could have been their hamster and it would have had the same impact the movie gave it.

Matt Damon as Will with as Laura Greenwood Sasha under a spell The Brothers Grimm picture image

Matt Damon as Will with as Laura Greenwood Sasha under a spell

Saying this movie has an identity problem is an understatement. Since Terry Gilliam wrote it, it has like a dark comedy aspect but the tone and direction seems to be more adventure fantasy. While dark comedies and adventure fantasy are not mutually exclusive the genre/tone seems to be more combative in this movie than coalescing into a narrative.

It’s almost like two people had different visions of what this movie should be and couldn’t cooperate. Also it doesn’t help that now of the jokes are not even remotely funny. Like that poor Kitten, I mean you could see it coming but it wasn’t funny, maybe had it gone through the fans and was just shaven would have been funny because the point of said joke was the Italian guy was scared of a kitten on his foot and the punchline was the death of a cat? I get dark horror element but not funny as it one dumb joke and one poor taste joke. Also bad accents does not make for good humor either, this movie lacks all sense of the word subtlety.

Lena Heady as Angelika and Peter Stormare as Cavaldi The Brothers Grimm picture image

Lena Heady as Angelika and Peter Stormare as Cavaldi

Then we have characters-like plot devices. They give the illusion of that actors having to play people with distinct character traits but no they don’t. The most they have is angry, nerdy, vain and accenty, the seven dwarfs have more in-depth well round characters that these characters.

Monica Bellucci as The Mirror Queen The Brothers Grimm picture image

Monica Bellucci as The Mirror Queen

But you know just because the plot and characters either suck or nonexistent, doesn’t make the technicals bad. They just ok to really bad. The CG work is on par with off-brand Disney knock-offs. The sets are ok but as fake as Dolly Patron’s chest. The costumes are blah, though the Mirror Queen’s costume is laughable, I mean that crown is just so fucking cheesy, I laughed a lot, and I said there was no comedy in this movie.

Matt Damon as Will and Health Ledger as Jacob The Brothers Grimm picture image

Matt Damon as Will and Health Ledger as Jacob

The Brothers Grimm had the potential  to be a good movie that used tropes and references to fairy tales but the lack of subtly, humor and all around anything entertaining makes this an unpleasent movie to sit through.

Clue 1 and Clue 2

 

Snow White: A Tale of Terror Review; Snow White’s Coffin was really pretty

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Snow White A Tale of Terror picture image

Snow White A Tale of Terror

Funny story, I kept calling Snow White: A Tale of Terror a Tale of Horror. This movie came out in 1997 and was originally slated for having a theatrical release but as such it premiered on Showtime. Sort of like another Snow White movie, this movie tries to carter the fairy tale to an adult audience however where Snow White and Thor tries to make Snow White an ass-kicking female William Wallace-type, this movie doesn’t try to overtly empower Snow White and instead keeps the tone more to the original Grimm’s fairy tale and focuses more on the wicked step mother.

Snow White A Tale of Terror picture image

Sigourney Weaver as Claudia and Monica Keena as Lily

The movie starts with the birth of Snow White, who is named Liliana a.k.a Lily. As she is born her parents are attack by wolves and as her mother lays dying her father has to cut Liliana out her mother whose name in also Liliana.

Fast Forward a few years and Lily’s father, Lord Fredric Hoffman is marrying a pretty lady named Claudia. To make nice with Lily, Claudia gives her a puppy and yet despite this Lily doesn’t like her very much. Claudia also has a creepy magic mirror that was her mother’s mirror. On their wedding night, Lily’s motherly servant is killed by the mirror when she is looking for Lily in Claudia’s room.

Fast Forward a few years again and Lily is now a pretty young woman who is in love with a doctor guy. Claudia is now pregnant and she tries to keep Lily from not being as attractive as she could be by giving her not so pretty childish clothes. But for a ball Lily out-shown Claudia by wearing her mother’s dress. This causes Claudia to go to labour. Claudia’s baby turns out to be still born and as a result means that Claudia can’t have any more babies.

Lily tries to make up this Claudia but Claudia’s reflection in the creepy mirror tells her get revenge on Lily. Claudia orders her brother, Gustav to kill Lily and get her heart. Lily escapes into the forest and Gustav gives Claudia a pig heart which she happily eats. Claudia however learns the truth from her reflection and Gustav is driven to suicide.

Lily then finds her herself with seven rough and combative miners  outcasts who aren’t very nice to her but they come to like her eventually especially one by the name of Will. Claudia then attacks the a few times and kills one of them with a tree. Claudia then tries to bring her child back to life but using Fredric’s seed and bathing the fetus in his blood.

Then Claudia disguises herself as old woman and lures Lily away from the seven miners and she given the poisoned apple and she putted into locked-in syndrome. She is then buried as her doctor boyfriend and the miners think she is dead but Will is like “No” and wakes her up with true love BS.

The Lily has her final confrontation. During the fight Claudia becomes distracted because fire threatens her not fully formed baby. Lily then stabs the mirror and kills Claudia.

Monica Keena as Lily and Gil Bellows as Will Snow White A Tale of Terror picture image

Monica Keena as Lily and Gil Bellows as Will

First of all, I don’t hate this movie. For the most part this is Sigourney Weaver’s movie as Claudia. The other characters are likable but ever so bland. I have see more compelling characters in local car commercials than this movie. And really Claudia and her reflection are just sort vain and bat-shit crazy that they are likable but a weird default. Like you can’t help not like her insane antics. So the characters on the whole just there.

I do like the way the movie changed the dwarfs to outcast miner types. It makes more sense in the context of the story and mood.

Monica Keena as Lily Snow White A Tale of Terror picture image

Monica Keena as Lily

So this movie main objective is to make the story scary, which it was originally and then Disney happen. To make it scary they just made the step mother crazy, which works, Cluadia is scary and she does bad thing to all the other characters. What good about Claudia is we see he decent into madness, she was jealous of Lily and she just lost her baby, so her crazed insanity couple with magic makes sense.

Monica Keena as Lily Snow White A Tale of Terror picture image

Monica Keena as Lily

The technicals are okay. There is nothing bad or amazing, they are just okay. The best things is the coffin. It has a Art Nouveau, stained glass mosaic quality, it’s very pretty. The costumes are just average to blah.

Sigourney Weaver as Claudia Snow White A Tale of Terror picture image

Sigourney Weaver as Claudia

Snow White: A Tale of Terror isn’t the great nor is like the terrifying but it’s dumb but kinda in a delightful way. In a way I feel with the title it should have been worse than it was, way worse.

Clue 1 and Clue 2