The Annoying Instruments Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame

The Annoying Instruments

 

One of the best thing about this movie is that while you are watching it you realize that the Gargoyles in the Disney version are not that bad. And that is because this version, this abysmal version, has characters that are 1000 times more annoying than the Gargoyles could ever be. They are collectively called “Melody’s Instrumentals.”

 

Melody and her team of annoying instruments Enchanted tales The Hunchback of Notre Dame picture images

Melody and her team of annoying instruments

As previous stated in my Melody post, Melody has some kind super niche power where she gives life to instruments. All these Instruments have their own unique yet annoying personalities. And just for you people, I tried to learn their names but only three are mentioned as having names. Bad writing.

The Instruments Enchanted tales Hunchback of Notre picture image

The Annoying Instruments

First we have the accordion. He doesn’t have a name but his straps can be used as arms. He speaks with a German accent and loves strudel. I would say he is the leader as he is both bossy and encouraging but he’s all vexing.

Then we have the tambourine who is also nameless. He also seems to speak with a German accent. He’s old and never shut-up about it. Just in case you missed that fact that’s he’s old, he wears glasses. He also speaks bell.

Next is the Violin. His name is Paganini. He has a thick Italian accent. He likes music. He considers himself sensitive and sophisticated. He also has allergies to hay. His bow wears a bow-tie and doesn’t speak, thank goodness

Then we have two Click and Klack, who are like clappers. Click and Klack are annoying fucks.

And last and certainly least, the dumb bells. The bells are Melody’s newest acquisition. They were given to her by Quasimodo. She uses them as a hair accessory. They giggle and that is about it.

Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Accordion and Violin Notre Dame  picture image

Accordion and Violin a.k.a Paganini

The instruments follow Melody everywhere she goes and for the most part she ignores them or maybe she just tunes them out. Ha, tune because they’re instruments.

The trouble with them is that they never shut-up and the movie is under the false impression that they are likable and endearing so they keep focusing on them and giving them screen time. They are the ones to pretty much save the day which gives them some reason to exist in the narrative which is just insulting.

 The Tambourine, Click and Klack and the Bells Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame  picture image

The Tambourine, Click and Klack and the Bells

They have no real counterpart unless you want to count Djali but they are nothing like Djail. Djali is awesome. No, they are in this movie  to further distances the story from Hunchback and bring it closer to Beauty and the Beast. It’s really insulting to the original story and it’s really insulting to viewer that has to watch these annoying jerks for more than 30 seconds which is my limit and  they are most of the run time of this. Say what you what about Disney’s Gargoyles they are miles better than these guys

Next Time the other characters @@

Pierre Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame  picture image

Pierre

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not Frollo/Phoebus a.k.a Jean-Claude Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Not Frollo/Phoebus a.k.a Jean-Claude

Not going to lie, Jean-Claude might be my favorite thing about this movie, which I guess is sad. There is no hiding that he is more Gaston than Frollo but he is so over-the-top that he is just delightful.

Jean-Claude putting the moves on MelodyEnchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody

Jean-Claude is an egotistical rich boy who hates fun and love taxes. The only part of him that is reminiscent of Frollo, besides being the antagonistic in a movie that bares the Hunchback name, is that he is obsessed with Melody a.k.a not-Esmeralda. He doesn’t really lust after her so much as he of just wants a date. I think him wanting a date comes out of his vanity  more than him wanting her. But he is hung up on capturing her but even that comes out his vanity.

 Jean-Claude Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame

Jean-Claude

This movie would have you believe that Jean-Claude hates the Gypsies because they are different. I would say no. He seems just to hate poor people and loves money. He also gets money from taxes so people who cause distractions to work and don’t pay him his taxes are the enemy. He is motivated by money just like the creators of this movie.

 

 Jean-Claude Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame  picture image

Jean-Claude

There is no hiding that he looks like Gaston. In fact, he looks and acts more like Gaston than The Secret of the Hunchback version who is also after money and looks like Gaston.

With him being motivated by vanity he is further removed from Frollo whose vanity lay in him maintaining his purity. So in reality he is nothing like Frollo however most adaptions simplify Frollo so I’m not to surprised. At least compared to the rest of characters he is entertaining.

 Jean-Claude Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame  picture image

Jean-Claude

There is not a lot to this guy, he is for all intended purposes a mustache-twirling villain. He has no depth and I’m ok with that. This version is not in the business of depth and complexity so to have it would have been phony. There is something delightful about a egomaniac villain.

Also Jean-Claude gets some good lines and some silly banter with his minion, so I forgive him since he the only thing in this movie that I can stand.

Next time the Stupid Instruments

The Instruments Enchanted tales Hunchback of Notre  picture image

The Annoying Instruments

 

 

 

 

 

Quasimodo Enchanted tales The Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Quasimodo

It’s ironic that the ONLY character is this poo-fest to keep their original name is so far removed from the original intent of the character that it is downright insulting.

I mean is the story so fucking complicated that no one can really get it right or do people just not care? I mean who said Quasimodo should be handsome, did they read the story or did you think that their creativity made them above at least getting the basics right? I hate the Enchanted Tales version of Hunchback AHHHHHHHHHHH

(Inhales)

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

Ok, let start with SOME positives. Quasimodo is not the focal character. That’s actually something. In the book, you never follow Quasimodo the same as Esmeralda, Frollo or even Gringoire but because he is the titular character he gets to be a focal point.

Quasimodo also gets a back story and while it’s stupid at least it something. In the novel it was hinted that he could be a Gypsy so here it’s a nice micro call out.

Quasimodo with the Ding-Bats   Enchanted tales The Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Quasimodo with the Ding-Bats

However, despite having a backstory. it ruins some points of Quasimodo, First off, he and the Frollo character, Jean-Claude, are half-brothers and that doesn’t bother me so much, it bothers me that Quasimodo is older. Quasimodo is older then his father-figure-like character. It just seems wrong. I’m surprised they didn’t go with step-brother angle, more cliches!

However the biggest F.U. with the backstory is that Quasimodo was not born deformed and get got his hunch from working too much. Although later it’s revealed that his hunch was the result of sadness. Enchanted Tales hates the original hunchback story right? That is the only way to process this shit. He has a curvature of the spine because he’s Emo. (Facepalm)

Quasimodo bells to Melody Enchanted tales The Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Quasimodo bells to Melody

Quasimodo in this has next to no personality, so he’s perfect for his little chicky-poo Melody. I mean he yells at one point but then retracts it with a derpy love song. Also in that scene Quasimodo wants Melody to leave but then give her bells. He made a gift for her that he never really intended to give her, Creepy!

Handsome Quasimodo  Enchanted tales The Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Handsome Quasimodo a.k.a Wholemodo?

I could take his no personality and him being older than a half-brother Frollo if they at least kept the fundamentals. His “deformities” or rather his icky looks were just him with bad posture and unkempt hair because he was sad. That was it? Not hideous.

Hmm I guess you could he is a bit of drama queen. And sure he rings bells at a place called Notre Dame but his being a handsome beefy guy that with a better animation budget would look like a Disney Prince is just unforgivable.

Melody and a handome Quasimodo Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody and a “handome” Quasimodo

Then to add the worst insult the fucking movie tells us the viewer that looks don’t matter. If looks don’ matter then why bother making Quasimodo handsome in the first place? It’s such a terrible way to present that moral because it’s saying look that don’t matter if you’re considered conventional attractive ARGH.

Melody and Quasimodo getting married Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody and Quasimodo getting married

Who wrote this? A handsome Quasimodo who then totes that looks are not important should not be getting paid to write especially for young kids/babysitter fodder.

Next time – Jean-Cluade a.k.a Not Frollo

Not Frollo/Phoebus a.k.a Jean-Claude Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Not Frollo/Phoebus a.k.a Jean-Claude

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda,Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

The main focal character in the Enchanted Tales Version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame is Melody, our Esmeralda character.

Jean-Claude putting the moves on MelodyEnchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody

But why did they call her Melody? It’s not like Esmeralda’s personality isn’t repeatedly altered movie after movie that by changing the name they made a new character, it’s Esmeralda. So they gave her instruments instead of a goat, she is still the beautiful dancing Gypsy girl who captures Quasimodo’s heart.

My guess is that the creators thought Disney made-up the name Esmeralda for their movie because clearly no one on Enchanted Tales read the book and thought they would be sued.

Also, why Melody as the name choice? Everyone else has a French name, even her mother and the freaking donkey gets a French names but Melody doesn’t.

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo

As for Melody’s look, not being Esmeralda, is not sexualized. She has brown hair and blue eyes. She has a tan skin tone and just to make her more pretty she has a beauty mark under her eye (eye-roll). She also doesn’t wear any red but wears yellow. Esmeralda did wear a golden corset once in the novel so one thing right about her overall look.

Oh wait fuck that, she’s not Esmeralda she’s Melody. I take back my almost positive comment.

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death

Melody gets the most screen time, so we must get an idea for her personality. Well, her mother did call her wild and free. I didn’t see that but I didn’t see anything against that. Melody kinda just does what she wants. Melody doesn’t let much bother either. She leaves Notre Dame and walks knowingly into a trap and is not phased. She gets thrown into jail and she doesn’t care the much, in fact she sings a stupid happy song. She is about to be executed and she yawns. She finds dying boring.

I think this mostly bad writing than character development. Otherwise she is just nice but fairly selectively, she not nice to Jean-Claude but he’s a douche. But more over she is just boring. Boring maybe a new facet for an Esmeralda-character but it’s a not a good thing.

Melody and her team of annoying instruments Enchanted tales The Hunchback of Notre Dame picture images

Melody and her team of annoying instruments

Melody, unlike Esmeralda, has some kind of magic power. This power is the ability to bring musical instruments to life. This power is not explained and results in annoying-ness. This is her biggest flaw, it wasn’t for her those hell spawn of animation garbage wouldn’t have been in this. Those instruments make the gargoyles in the Disney version look charming. And if Melody had been executed perhaps they would have died with her.

I really hated those instruments and she is responsible for their creation so she is the worst Esmeralda ever.

Next Time Quasimodo

Quasimodo, enchanted tales  picture image

Quasimodo,

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

Where do you start critiquing The Enchanted Tales version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame? Everything is wrong with this adaptation. They got nothing right, even most of the names are wrong. I may complain about every other version but at least they got the basics right, Enchanted tales can’t even do that much.

Melody and her team of annoying instruments Enchanted tales The Hunchback of Notre Dame picture images

Melody and her team of annoying instruments

Well they got the basic basics, we have a guy who sports a hunch who rings the bells at Notre Dame and likes a Gypsy girl who dances. That’s it!

Now we have a Gypsy who is in fact some sort a sorceress as she makes instruments come to life with annoying personalities. That is the most niche super power ever, but instead of Esmeralda her name is Melody and she being pursued by a rich egomaniac named Jean-Claude.

Melody with Handsome Quasimodo Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame  picture image

Melody with “Handsome” Quasimodo

The name changes and annoying instruments are the least the problems; Quasimodo isn’t deformed, he’s handsome. He has hunch because he was sad and had low-esteem. This is just wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong a thousand times wrong. Then to add to to this cacophony of ass-ness they tell children that looks don’t matter if people think you’re attractive. Looks don’t matter if you’re pretty. I suppose personality don’t matter either since Quasimodo does not have one. So we have terrible moral to boot.

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody again Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody again

The main issue with the Enchanted Tales version is despite calling it The Hunchback of Notre Dame, this adaptation plays out and feels like a Beauty and the Beast knock-off. The power of love pretty much changes Quasimodo’s appearance which Melody claims to have accepted when he was ugly. That or that swing did wonders for his hair. Seriously his hair gets pushed back and instant Disney Prince. Also Jean-Claude looks exactly like Gaston and we have enchanted objects that dance around.

Melody and a handome Quasimodo Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody and a “handome” Quasimodo

It’s like the creators on Enchanted Tales were told that Disney is making The Hunchback of Notre Dame, they were told the bare basics of the original story and decided that it’s close enough to Beauty and the Beast and ran with that to make a half-assed stupidly annoying tale with the worst moral EVER!

Next Time – Melody a.k.a Not-Esmeralda

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda,Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

 

Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame

To understand why the Enchanted Tales; Hunchback of Notre Dame version is bad, you have to know that everything is bad. Nothing is good but the plot is the most unforgivable piece of shit of any of the Hunchback versions.

This is the real plot, someone got paid to write this.

Not Frollo/Phoebus a.k.a Jean-Claude  Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Not Frollo/Phoebus a.k.a Jean-Claude

The movie opens with a crappy song and dance that demonstrates that the creators of the movie have no clue on what time period this is supposed to be. Paris is run by the gluttonous Baron and his son Captain Jean-Claude. Jean-Clause is the enforcer. He has forbidden dancing and singing forbidden in Paris because of tax reasons. Magic is also forbidden. Pierre, Jean-Claude’s minion, sees a Gypsy who instruments come to life. Jean-Claude decides to stop her.

 Jean-Claude putting the moves on MelodyEnchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody

Then we meet Not-Esmeralda a.k.a Melody and her posse of annoying instruments. In a tree, watching her dance is Quasimodo, the Hunchback. Jean-Claude, Pierre and the Baron enter scene. People run in terror as Jean-Claude is a douche. He sentences Melody to 324 years of jail time but also offers her dinner with him. Melody rejects his offer. Jean-Claude then threatens her with Guillotine. Quasimodo rushes in to help her. People fall down and in the confusion Melody, her mother, their donkey and stupid instruments rush off. Side note the instruments have names but I don’t care.

Melody flees with the dumb instruments  Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody flees with the dumb instruments

Melody and crew make it back to their Gyspy camp where they discuss that people don’t like them because they are different. But Jean-Claude finds them and Melody and crew hightail it to Notre Dame.

 Jean-Claude, with Melody's mother and donkey Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude, with Melody’s mother and donkey

Apparently the bats, a.k.a the DingBats (who are also annoying) control the doors to Notre Dame and allow Melody and the instruments in but not Pierre and Jean-Claude. Jean-Claude then spots Melody’s mom and donkey and kidnaps them.

Pierre tells Melody’s mom about Quasimodo. About how he is Jean-Claude’s half brother by their mother. Their Mother was married to a Gypsy man and had Quasimodo but then she marries the fat-ass Baron and had Jean-Claude. The Baron worked Quasimodo hard and then banished him to the Bell Tower of Notre Dame. Pierre also says that Quasimodo got his hump by working too hard.

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo

Inside Notre Dame, Melody and stupid instruments are welcomed by the Dingbats who can talk to her in the sanctuary while they are in the Bell Tower. She hears the bells and wants to meet the one who rings them. She and the lame instruments go up to tower and meet Quasimodo.

Quasimodo is shy is and standoff. He says he is ugly but Melody says that we all look different and looks don’t matter she adds that she is fond of his music and fond of his looks. Quasimodo presents her with some stupid bells because she pretty (so much for looks not mattering). In her hands the bells start laughing insipidly and Quasimodo remarks on her magic. And Bam they are in love with a dumb song.

Jean-Claude capturing Melody Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude capturing Melody

When the song is done Melody sees her Mother’s donkey. The donkey tells her Jean-Claude took her mother and she and instruments leave the safety of Notre Dame to save her. They find her in barn laughing and dancing. But they get caught and Melody is taken by Jean-Claude.

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody,  in Jail awaiting death

Jean-Claude throws Melody into a jail cell and tells her that she is be executed tomorrow when the bell rings at dawn. The bells that Quasimodo gave her escape and tells the other instruments and Melody’s mom about the execution. They decide that they must stop Quasimodo from ringing the bells.

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody again Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody again

The instruments rush up Notre Dame as people gather to Melody’s execution. Jean-Claude offers Melody to save herself if she renounces her Gypsy ways and has dinner with him. Melody tells him she can’t change who she is. The instruments stop Quasimodo from ringing the bells.

Melody and a handome Quasimodo Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Quasimodo swings down and saves Melody. Melody then sees that Quasimodo is actually hot. Quasimodo says if that is how Melody sees him then he must be handsome and that looks don’t matter. The moral of this shit feast is that looks don’t matter if you’re hot…and low self-esteem makes you unattractive…….. gah. The movie then interrupts itself for a song.

Melody and Quasimodo getting married Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody and Quasimodo getting married

Now that Quasimodo has some self esteem he tells off Jean-Claude which causes the people to revolt against Jean-Claude. Quasimodo and Melody then get marry at Notre Dame. The End

Next Time, More on the Plot

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda,Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

 

 

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

I ran a poll for what terrible version I should review next. The two options were Secret of the Hunchback and the Enchanted tales version. Enchanted Tales: The Hunchback of Notre Dame won in the end. Say what you want about the Secret of the Hunchback at least it is a hunchback story, Enchanted Tales claims to be one but it’s not.

It has very very very little to do with hunchback story. I mean there is a hunchback named Quasimodo in it and he rings bells at Notre Dame and there is a Gypsy girl that he saves. But it’s vastly different in so many bad grave spinning ways. This movie is 40 minutes of torture and hell. So let’s start this descent into madness

The plot or something like it

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

Salma Hayek as Esmeralda, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Salma Hayek as Esmeralda,

The 1997 version of The Hunchback seemingly has everything a person could want in a Hunchback adaptation but it fails. It’s a boring dull mess that fails to captures the novel even though it seems to be trying on some level however it’s being lazy on so many other levels. The actors can’t save it and there in nothing else to capture interest other than thinking about what this movie could have been like if it wasn’t a TV movie but it was a theatrical movie.

Next Hunchback version; The Enchanted tales Version, oh this one, this is going to be PAINFUL!

Melody and Quasimodo  Enchanted  Tales picture image

Melody and Quasimodo

That’s right you get to pick again. Which version out of these six would  you like to see get ripped a new or praised to some degree but mostly over analyzed to the point of madness?

This poll expires in 2 weeks (July 8th 2013). So Vote!

Which Version should be reviewed next?

Which Version should be reviewed next?

What should be reviewed next?

  • The 1982 Version (38%, 9 Votes)
  • The 1977 version (21%, 5 Votes)
  • The Madeline's Great Adeventure Episode (17%, 4 Votes)
  • The Secret of the Hunchback (13%, 3 Votes)
  • Enchanted Tales (8%, 2 Votes)
  • The Tim Conrad Graphic Novel (4%, 1 Votes)

Total Voters: 24

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Note –  Notre Dame de Paris will be reviewed at some point just not ready for it.

These songs were judged based on how lame the song was musically and contextually. Originally I want to keep it to movie but I didn’t. Hunchback versions like Secret of the Hunchback, Jetlag, or Enchanted could have dominated this List but that a little unfair as they are very much the worst of the worst that everything about them is crap. So I’m limiting their amount. I pretty must keeping this movie version with one exception because it’s my list.

10.  A Guy like You, Disney

Gargoyles A Guy like you Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Gargoyles A Guy like you Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

Compare to the other songs on this list, this is a masterpiece. However when you compare it to the other songs in the Disney movie, it’s really BAD. The song builds up Quasimodo’s confidence only to have it crash down right after this song.  However the way this done is by focusing on Quasimodo’s look and not his personality which is contrary to  whole point of everything in this movie.  However the music, singing and lyrics are all decent.

9. The Bells all Ring, Enchanted Tales

 Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

I once read a comment on this song that it lowers intelligence and yeah it’s pretty damn stupid. It comes out of nowhere and somehow this is the love song for Esmeralda and Quasimodo who just met.  But the bell imagery fits. So while it is indeed  very very stupid it’s harmless it won’t impact your intelligence too much.

8. Fa Fa Fa Fallen in Love, Hunchback II

Madeline and Quasimodo Fa la la la Fallen In Love Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney 2 Sequel

Madeline and Quasimodo Fa la la la Fallen In Love Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney

This song is just a big ball of weird confusion. It is both pedantic and stupid and it proves it doesn’t understand the characters. First, it uses words like roundelay and madrigal but then it has lyrics that go “Oh, Wow”  and  has “Fa La La La” in the title whatever intelligence and cleverness it was trying to get out the big words is wasted.  But my annoyance with this song is  because it’s Quasimodo who have fallen in love and how big a deal it is that “Love has nailed him” and “Love’s derailed him.”  It really should be Madeline (the girl) who has been derailed. Quasimodo’s life goal has been to be love  so love can’t nail him or derail him when he has been working and hoping that this will happen to him.

7. Take your Cares and Toss Them, The Secret of the Hunchback

Gargoyles sing to Quasimodo,The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Gargoyles sing to Quasimodo,The Secret of the Hunchback

One of the most infamous songs in The Secret of the Hunchback is the Gargoyles’ song. The Gargoyles’ song  is infamous because the gargoyles sing “doo-wa” in  a jazzy manner while wearing sunglasses and playing instruments. Oh it’s idiotic. The context is Quasimodo is imagining the gargoyles are cheering him up. So while it’s kinda of works in way  it just an excuse to get a singing gargoyle in the movie. The whole thing is a failure of execution but so is the rest of the movie.  I will say that this song does a better job of telling Quasimodo that he is awesome. In fact “you’re awesome” is an actual lyric. It’s lame but  given the movie it’s not surprising.

6. Frollo’s song, The Secret of the Hunchback

Frollo singing, The Secret of the Hunchback, picture image

Frollo singing, The Secret of the Hunchback

If Jafar and Gaston had a love child it would be this version’s  Frollo. In The Secret of the Hunchback, Frollo is the sheriff of Paris or something. His motivation is he wants the gold of Notre Dame and as this “villain song” implies he is going to use it to take over the world.  So yeah his motivations are generic and confused much like this song. Musically this song feels all over the place and ends with Frollo going very low which feels weird and out of place. But I give the singer some credit as he says “Forte” correctly, so that is something.

5. Si Tu Pouvais Voir en moi (If you could see inside me), Notre Dame de Paris (2001)

 Gio di Tonno as Quasimodo, Notre Dame de Paris Itlaian  version picture image

Gio di Tonno as Quasimodo, Notre Dame de Paris Italian version

While I do think another song Notre Dame de Paris is worst, I excuse it since it is a bridge song. This song was a bridge song before they turned it  into  Quasimodo’s judgmental song. This song was not original to the show. Originally it was a bridge song for a Frollo song but instead it’s Quasimodo singing about Esmeralda being shallow for not noticing his pure love and the other guys lustful intensions. The thing we got all that from “Belle” (one of the greatest hunchback songs ever)  and it’s just plain out of character for Quasimodo to sing those things. And considering it’s short and musically it’s only a few chords getting the character wrong is a major issue. And  to make matters worse this song doesn’t even have to exist as it’s a replacement song. I realllllllllly HATE this song.

4. Love is Everything, Jetlag

Quasimodo and Esmeralda embrace Jetlag version Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Quasimodo and Esmeralda embrace

Love is Everything is ending song for the Jetlag  version and boy oh boy is it a lazy piece of exploitative deleted. Quasimodo sings about how love is awesome and he’s happy to be in love and to be loved Blah blah blah how many songs are like this? But they use the tune to “We Three Kings” which makes zero sense. At least it’s not a national anthem which some of the lazier Hunchback song use. Overall this song is lazy, stupid and boring.

3. Dance to the Music of Paris, Enchanted Tales

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda,Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame  picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

This song is the opening song for Enchanted Tales.  Unlike The Bells all Rings this song  attacks your intelligence. First  the song has no clue what time period the story takes place it. It uses the Can-Can as the melody. But this song is a  cesspool of horrific lyrics. Lyrics like “Oui Oui,” “ooo la la,” and “the food is delicious, it’s pure gastronomy but don’t ask what’s in it because it’s Paris mon ami.”  They also rhyme Rhythm with Rhythm.           They also repeat a TON of clips not in this part but throughout this version. This song is so complex in its awfulness that I can not even express it properly.

2. I’d Stick with you, Hunchback II

 

Quasimodo and Zephyr I'd Stick With You Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney Sequel 2 picture

Quasimodo and Zephyr I’d Stick With You Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney

I’d Stick with you is a buddy  song between Quasimodo and Zephyr (Esmeralda & Phoebus’ son). It’s Zephyr posing a stupid scenario that if he was covered in glue would Quasimodo still be his friend. Oh My Goodness, is that Stupid. The song is just to show Madeline that Quasimodo is nice.  The song has this sing-song way about it makes you want to hit mute.  The lyrics are awful, half of them are set-ups so they can rhyme with “stick”.  It bad, really bad but there is one song that out stupids it.

1. Magic in your heart, Enchanted Tales

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame  picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

This song….this song…….(cries) what fuck is is this?  So ummmm, Melody a.k.a Not Esmeralda, has been arrested and sentenced to die and to make herself feel better she sings this uptempo abomination. She starts imagining that items in her cell came to life and start dancing around. Items like hay, iron bars, and stone blocks. She also gives instruments to mice.   Considering that she can make instruments come to life with annoying personalities, I find it hard to believe that this only her imagination. But the song has no purpose in a Hunchback version. I mean I guess it shows her character but Not Esmeralda never showed a personality other than blandly nice so there is no point to this. I mean she doesn’t seem at all concern that she is going to die.  The lyrics are crap, the visuals are stupid, context is shit, and the singing is grating.

Get all these movies and witness the awfulness yourself;

Disney/Sequel Blu-Ray

The Jetlag Version

Enchanted Tales

The Secret of the Hunchback
Notre Dame de Paris (Please Note- The song on the list isn’t in this version)