Since I have never seen Atlantis; the Lost Empire, let me go watch that before I get to Atlantis; Milo’s Return. I’ll be back!

(95 Minutes later)

Ok, that was dull. I hate the white man burden trope.

Atlantis; Milo's Return picture image

Atlantis; Milo’s Return

Anyway, let me go watch Atlantis; Milo’s Return now.

(75 Minutes later)

Cries……… that was awful……..Why does this company put out some much utter crap. This one is painful, viscerally painful. I want to vomit and crawl my eyes out during this one’s running time.

Obby Atlantis; Milo's Return picture image

Obby

Ok, ok , Okay, let’s start with a positive because I have One, Obby, the Lava Dog. Obby is cute and fun. Fuck the rest of the characters, the movies or story plot should have focused on Obby. I would rather watch Obby sleep for 75 minutes than this shit fest.

Atlantis; Milo's Return Gang picture image

The Atlantis Gang

This movie, like so many of the other crappy Disney sequels, has three stories. All three are boring and very TV. Now when I say it’s TV, I mean it as insult but let’s face it, these direct to video movies are worst than most TV episodes so what can you do.

Atlantis; Milo's Return gang running from a snowman picture image

The Gang running from a snowman

The plot is that stuff is happening, so the gang goes to Atlantis to get Milo to investigate. Kida follows thinking that the stuff could be Atlantean weapons. The first one is the Kraken (which they pronounce annoyingly wrong), second is sand coyotes or something, and the third is Atlantean spear in the hands of a Norse God wannabe.

In the end Atlantis raises from the sea, killing hundreds of Marine life and ruining a very fragile ecosystem. I hope you’re happy.

Kida Atlantis; Milo's Return picture image

Kida

I will say that the three stories do build off of eachother. They are not wholly separate stories. However the stories are forgettable and there is no real character development. Since there is no growth in characters these are TV episodes.

Obby and Milo Atlantis; Milo's Return picture imahe

Obby and Milo

One of the big thing that annoyed was in the first movie Milo is played by Michael J. Fox who has a very identifiable voice which was distracting. Fox did not reprise his role so to hear not-Fox was even more distracting. Not-Fox was played by James Arnold Taylor whose infamous laugh from a major video game I was hoping to hear if only to dull the pain of this movie.

The gang Atlantis; Milo's Return picture image

The Atlantis Gang

As is standard with Disney sequels, the animation is usually much, much worse. Now Atlantis didn’t have the greatest animation in the world but Milo’s Return felt visually cheaper. The colors were dull and everything felt lifeless. It is not fun to look at.

Milo, Obby, Kida Atlantis; Milo's Return picture image

Milo, Obby and Kida

I quite literally have nothing more to say on Atlantis; Milo’s Return. It’s a feast of garbage. Most of my notes on this movie were like this “dumb dumb dumbd umbd imbd idm dumdndumbdumdbumdbdumdbdu” – my actual notes.

I really wished Milo hadn’t returned, it would have spared the world of this shit.

101 Dalmatians II; Patch's London Adventure picture image

101 Dalmatians II; Patch’s London Adventure

101 Dalmatians II; Patch’s London Adventure is by all counts a dumb movie but it has its moments of being entertaining, which surprised me. What brought it down was the general mean-spiritedness.

Patch and Thunderblot, 101 Dalmatians II; Patch's London Adventure picture image

Patch and Thunderbolt

The plot goes, that in midst of moving to the  farm, Patch is feeling less than unique. On moving day, Patch gets left behind and decides to see his idol, TV actor dog, Thunderbolt who is holding auditions. Thunderbolt is told by his sidekick, Lightning, that they mean to kill him off in the show, which is a lie.

Thunderbolt decides to perform good deeds in real life so he can keep his job. He enlists Patch’s help because Patch knows all the episodes. Then Cruella DeVille enters the picture and get captivated by an artist who paints spots. She commissions him to paint her a painting but isn’t happy so she decides to kidnap the Dalmatians again. Patch and Thunderbolt then have to save the day and Patch learns he is special.

 

101 Dalmatians II; Patch's London Adventure  picture image

Patch

Going into this movie, I thought it would be akin to Scamp’s adventure but it wasn’t. Patch learns a lesson that is different from the original movie. His lesson and growth is understandable, he’s puppy and has 98 siblings.

 

Puppies Driving, 101 Dalmatians II; Patch's London Adventure picture image

Puppies Driving

Speaking of the 98 other Puppies, they are just plain mean little things. The reason why is to get the audience on Patch’s side, if he is the underdog then we care about him. But they made the other puppies too mean. Jasper and Horace were mean too throwing Nanny down a well, that is sick.

 

Lars and his art, 101 Dalmatians II; Patch's London Adventure picture image

Lars and his art

 

Then we have Cruella and the art subplot. I will say as someone who minored in art history, I loved this subplot. I thought it was hilarious.  However, it’s a little more than stupid. Thy whole thing  was a set-up for the puppies to hid  against a canvas.

Cruella DeVille, 101 Dalmatians II; Patch's London Adventure  picture image

Cruella DeVille

 

Also I didn’t really like the two antagonist angle.  First we have insane Cruella, who seems shoehorned in here. And then we have Lighting, Thunderbolt’s sidekick, who wants to be the star of the show. I will forgive it, as it does come together at the end but Cruella was shoehorned in.

Horace and Jasper grabbing  Rolly, 101 Dalmatians II; Patch's London Adventure  picture image

Horace and Jasper grabbing Rolly

 

Stylistically,  this movie is very different than the original but at least it not a rehash or copy of the first. However, they shamelessly reuse things from the first movie. They reuse the Twilight bark, the car chase and Pongo counting, the TV obsession, Cruella etc.

These things maybe be shameless but one thing they rehashed is wrong. Patch mentions that the spot in front of the TV is his spot but it was actually Lucky’s spot in the original.

 

101 Dalmatians II; Patch's London Adventure  picture image

Patch

Which makes me ask the question, why Patch as the star puppy when Lucky was focused on much more in the original? Think about it, Lucky  was the first puppy we saw in the original, he is more obsessed with TV and he had more lines than Patch. Patch had his moments but they were fewer. Of course, all his moments involved Thunderbolt so maybe that was it.

 

101 Dalmatians II; Patch's London Adventure  picture image

Patch

101 Dalmatians II; Patch’s London Adventure isn’t all bad, it’s dumb and has some icky meanness but it’s fine as far as these sequels go. I dare say it was adequate.  And It had PUPPIES!!!!!!!!

Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year.

Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year.

You know when you start to watch a movie and you know it’s going to be painful in the first few minutes? That was me with Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year. Even the title makes me cringe. This one is a double holiday movie, as we get Christmas and New Years. I give them a little credit, you don’t see new year’s in Disney movies but it’s boring and makes for a very long hour.

Pooh and Christopher Robin Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year picture image

Pooh and Christopher Robin

So the plot or in this case the plots? This movie has like two dumb stories. First, Pooh and friends are having a Christmas party and then they tell the first story in a Flashback.

That story is Christopher Robin is writing a letter to Santa. He asks everyone what they want and sends the letter via airmail. No, literally he just throws the letter into wind. The next day, Piglet tells Pooh that Pooh forgot to ask for a gift, apparently all that hunny he for asked for the others in case they get guests didn’t count. So they find the letter and make some modifications but Pooh fails to throw the letter in the air. So Pooh tries to play Santa so that everyone gets their gifts which fails too.

So Pooh decides to go to give the letter directly to Santa. The others then realizes that they would rather have Pooh then gifts. Pooh returns having failed again and they are all happy. However Christopher Robin comes and gives out gifts and friends are awesome.

Pooh and Piglet, Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year picture image

Pooh and Piglet

The second story is not a flashback. Christopher Robin tells Pooh about New Years and Resolutions. Pooh decides to they should have party at Rabbit’s house. Rabbit then gets annoyed with Tigger’s bouncing, Piglet’s fear, Eeyore’s gloom and Pooh’s hunny obsession. So Rabbit decides to move.

Pooh and the gang decide to change these traits but in turn the traits just shift around so Tigger is scared, Piglet bounces, Pooh is gloomy and Eeyore is creepy, I mean hunny obsessed. Rabbit decides to stay because friends are awesome.

Happy Eeyore, Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year picture image

Happy Eeyore

Both these stories have the same theme, Friends are awesome. Now I do not claim to be an expert on all thing Pooh but that is a stand-by theme. Friends=Good. Though the second story had the added bonus of the be-yourself theme . Which is another stand-by theme by Disney.

One could say that New Year approach was inventive as the tried to be different but that made them in the polar opposite so the annoying innate traits were not corrected but transferred. I didn’t have a problem with Tigger being scared or Piglet bouncing or Pooh being gloomy. But Eeyore as the cheerful insane Pooh was more than off putting it was down-right terrifying.

Eeyore on the Christmas Tree Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year picture image

Eeyore on the Christmas Tree

When I started doing the sequel reviews, I said wasn’t going to discuss the animation as on the whole the animation is weak in general in the sequels. But the Pooh movies are not sequels, not exactly.

Winnie the Pooh is separate entity under the Mouse label. That being sound the animation was far and away much, much weaker than Pooh’s Grand Adventure. The colors are dull and the animation at times is a bit awkward.

Eeyore, Piglet, Tigger and Pooh Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year picture image

Eeyore, Piglet, Tigger and Pooh

For me, as a not-quite-a-Pooh-fan there is not much to enjoy in Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year. The Plot(s) is weak and dumb, the characters even admit to the viewer they are annoying and the animation is week. All round, I found this dumb, dumb, dumb and I really disliked it.

Cinderella II: Dreams Come True

Cinderella II: Dreams Come True

Cinderella II: Dreams Come True is composed of three stories in the Cinderella universe that take place after the 1950 Cinderella Disney movie. In this capacity, this thing acts like a sequel. The three story structure in this is beyond lame. First, it’s hard to gauge if the stories being told did happen or if they are retellings or made-up. It sort of seems to be a combination.

Fairy Godmother and Mice Cinderella II: Dreams Come True picture image

Fairy Godmother and Mice

The set-up for the stories is that the mice are being told the story of the first movie by the Fairy Godmother. It seems weird that that story should be retold to the mice as they were the heroes in the first place. They lived it. It’s a flimsily set-up. However, Gus and Jaq miss the story, so the Fairy God Mother says they should make a book for Cinderella with new stories. The stories they tell for the movie are the ones they put in the book.

Cinderella and the Grand Duke Cinderella II: Dreams Come True picture image

Cinderella and the Grand Duke

The stories are standard dull fair. Each story is about dreams and being yourself. You know, very trite cliche stuff that Disney loves. It seems like each story wasn’t interesting enough to make its own movie or even subplot in a movie. So each scenario is given a part.

Cinderella II: Dreams Come True

Cinderella

The first one is deals with Cinderella’s first day of being a Princess. She has to plan a banquet and it has to be done in a very traditional manner. Cinderella is a free-spirit now apparently and she doesn’t want to follow boring traditions, so she spices up the affair and revolutionizes party planning at the palace. You Go Girl!

Human Jaq Cinderella II: Dreams Come True

Human Jaq

The second story, which is the worst, is Jaq the mouse becoming human. Spoiler, it doesn’t work out very well for him and he learns that being a mouse is cool.

Anastasia and Baker-dude Cinderella II: Dreams Come True

Anastasia and Baker-dude

The third is wicked step-sister number 2, Anastasia, finds love with a lowly baker with Cinderella and pals’ help. Wicked Step-Mother is very much against this match. But she’s mean, so who cares.

Cinderella II: Dreams Come True picture image

Cinderella

The stories may stink like poo but how were the characters? Let’s just look at the main characters of the stories Cinderella, Jaq and Anastasia.

Cinderella, oh Cinderelly, Cinderelly. I think Cinderella gets a bad reputation for not having a personality, I would disagree. She doesn’t have a strong personality but in the original she had a bit of mischievous streak and she’s a bit catty. You can see these traits in her teasing the birds who are waking her up and her remark on the musical lesson.

She’s kind but she a little more subtly well rounded than just being sweet and kind. Cinderella in the sequel doesn’t have though facets she’s nice but that is kind of it. She has a free spirit and like doing her own thing but she is not as interesting as she could have been.

Jaq Cinderella II: Dreams Come True picture image

Jaq

Jaq was the leader of the mice. Him wanting to be human to help Cinderella doesn’t really fit his character at all. But his core personality which is minimal is still pretty much there.

Anastasia and Cinderella, Cinderella II: Dreams Come True  picture image

Anastasia and Cinderella,

Then there is Anastasia. Anastasia is now a reformed former baddie looking for love. Anastasia didn’t have much of a personality other than being unpleasant and wicked. Here she is just awkward.

I don’t mind her being a nice yet misunderstood. It just seems like a bit of stretch for her to abuse someone and then be friends with them in like a few days. Although in this, it’s more  a reflection on Cinderella than Anastasia.

Cinderella and the Mice Cinderella II: Dreams Come True picture image

Cinderella and the Mice

There is really not a lot to say on this one. The characters are off and the stories are just not interesting or fun. I hate the three part story within a story structure. I hate it as a TV episode and I hate it here. I hate Cinderella II: Dreams Come True, they only dream that came true was when it ended.

Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure picture image

Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp’s Adventure

Stylistically, Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp’s Adventure is not in the same universe as the original Lady and the Tramp. For one thing, the original was from a dog’s perceptive, which it makes it very jarring to see Jim-dear and Darling’s face but given that massive flaw is the movie bad? Hell yeah, it’s bad!

Scamp and Jim-dear, Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure picture image

Scamp and Jim-dear

Plot? Scamp, a.k.a mini-Tramp doesn’t like rules and runs away to the junkyard where there are no rules. The Junkyard dogs are a gang dogs that are led by Buster, who is a former chum of Tramp’s and bitter and then there is Angel, the love interest. But before he can join the gang, Scamp has to complete some tests. Angel tries to convince Scamp to go home to his love ones as she wants a home but Scamp doesn’t listen and gets thrown in the pound but is saved by Angel and Tramp. Scamp learns that family and home are awesome and Angel is made a member of the family.

Scamp and Tramp Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure picture image

Scamp and Tramp

There is the same thing that The Little Mermaid 2 had, the parents lies about their past i.e the first movie and then the child does the same thing that parents did in the first movie. Scamp’s Adventure does feel different as the focus of Lady and the Tramp was both of them and Tramp wasn’t as annoying as Scamp is, which bring me to my next talking point.

Scamp, Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure picture image

Scamp

Scamp is annoying. I couldn’t stand this character. Anytime he’s on screen, I cringed and considering he’s the main character that was a lot. Scott Wolf, who did Scamp’s speaking voice, can not make a decent dog sound for anything. Scamp’s main motivation is that he hates rules and he has a bit of ego for no reason. I hate characters that have zero humility and lack any charm. I will say this, his only saving grace and the only thing that got me through the movie was that he’s a puppy. Puppies are awesome!

Angel and Scamp, Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure

Angel and Scamp

The film also has much goofier, dare I say cartoony tone unlike the original. The original had drama, a believable romance and charm. The cartoon nature makes the fight at the end feel really forced and contrived.

Angel and Scamp in the almost Bella Notte scene, Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure picture image

Angel and Scamp in the almost Bella Notte scene

Then there is the forced romance between Scamp and Angel, they’re puppies. I don’t buy the romance for a second in fact it creeped me out. They even repeated the Bella Notte scene, though made it silly which was need because they are puppies.

For all intended purposes they’re children. They shouldn’t be singing this song . Why couldn’t they just remain friends, it’s not like the romance really went anywhere, so why did you shoehorn it in the movie?

Scamp, Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure picture image

Scamp

Lady and the Tramp 2: Scamps Adventure just fails as follow up to Lady and the Tramp with crappy new characters, poor style, goofy tone and a creepy romance. Good thing this movie is about puppies or it would have been really unbearable.

The Little Mermaid II; Return to the Sea picture image

The Little Mermaid II; Return to the Sea

The Little Mermaid is a sequel to the 1989 movie The Little Mermaid, wait that’s not right, The Little Mermaid II; Return to the Sea is a copy of the 1989 movie The Little Mermaid, wait, I mean it’s a sequel. That’s it, it’s a sequel. It’s not a copy because it has a penguin and walrus in it and not because it’s the same plot as the first one.

Melody with her locket, The Little Mermaid II; Return to the Sea picture image

Melody with her locket

The plot is pretty much the first movie just with Ariel’s daughter, Melody, but instead of being a shore-o-phile, little Melody is sea-o-phile. Pretty much this love stems from their parents forbidding them from having any contact with said place.

In the Little Mermaid, it made sense, in Return to Sea, Ursula’s crazy Sister (I hate you so much movie), threatens the baby Melody and vanishes, so Ariel builds a wall to keep Melody out of the sea and then lies to her kid about her origins. This is stupid. Melody, who is a little awkward around her peers and feeling betrayed by her parents runs off after finding a keepsake with her name on her it, a gift from Triton.

This where Ursula’s crazy sister, Morgana, comes in and lies to her, turns her into a mermaid and tricks her into get Triton’s Trident. Fight then ensues, Morgana gets turned into a popsicle and yay big dumb wall goes bye bye and everyone is happy.

Ariel and Melody, The Little Mermaid II; Return to the Sea picture image

Ariel and Melody

Let’s talk about the characters, Ariel is now Triton. Melody is Ariel and Morgana is Ursula. The other characters are sort of there too. Eric is there too, I mean he never had a personality other than being nice so he is the same. It’s very annoying that any time a Disney character has a child they are either the copy of their parents except that they gravitates towards the opposite or they are a lame plot device.

Morgana and Melody, The Little Mermaid II; Return to the Sea picture image

Morgana and Melody

A little bit more on Morgana. Cut the crap movie, this is Ursula 2.0 and by the film’s own admission, it’s a downgrade. For fuck sake she has the same voice actress. Anyway, Not-Ursula, I mean, Morgana’s mom liked Ursula better because Ursula was better at magic. Her inferiority complex is so bad that when she has all the powers of the sea, she makes people bow to her, not turn them in kelp. Yeah, this villain is dumb. Though to be fair Triton had all the power of sea and he couldn’t find her or kill her when he has clear shot at her at the beginning. I bet if they could have figure out how bring Ursula back from the dead this movie would have it but that would have required at creative thought so crazy sister, who isn’t that crazy.

Ariel and Melody, The Little Mermaid II; Return to the Sea picture image

Ariel and Melody

Then there is Melody who differs a little bit from Ariel, in that she feels like she doesn’t fit in as an ordinary girl, so she too has a bit of inferiority complex compare to Ariel whom Melody deems as perfect.

First off, Melody is princess she is not ordinary. She should be more concerned that people are pretending to like her. I guess people from where these people live, the 12 year olds are more honest. I don’t even know.

Melody with Tip and Dash, The Little Mermaid II; Return to the Sea picture image

Melody with Tip and Dash

Speaking of which, where the fuck is this located? I mean these characters go back and forth to Arctic conditions but where the bulk of the characters live seems temperate.

But what REALLY hurts my head are the animals seen in the Arctic, we have Narwhals, Penguins, a Sea Turtle, a Walrus, a Baleen Whale and a Hammerhead shark. Narwhals live in the Arctic, Penguins live Antarctica, Sea Turtles inhabit everywhere but the Arctic, Walruses dwell in the Northern Hemisphere, Baleen Whales migrate so pass and Hammerhead sharks like off every coasts every but not in the cold water of the poles.

FUCK YOU MOVIE. Especially since you have the gall to team up a Walrus and Penguin as Melody side-kicks, Tip and Dash, not sure which one is which and I don’t care. They are annoying to boot. The lack of attention to animals habitat reeks of laziness.

Melody doing the Part of your World flip, The Little Mermaid II; Return to the Sea picture image

Melody doing the Part of your World flip

Then to make this movie sooooooooo much worse, this movies uses lots of visual and lines from the original movie. Here are three;

– The shot of Melody shooting to the surface after searching for shells is exactly the same as the shot of Ariel’s resurfacing after she was transformed into a human by Ursula.
– When Ariel discovers Melody’s visit to the sea, she says “You deliberately disobeyed me,” the same line King Triton delivers to Ariel when he discovers her visited to the surface.
– Melody does a back flip through the water while singing “For a Moment”, which is the exact same movement Ariel did while singing “Part of that World”.

 

Melody, The Little Mermaid II; Return to the Sea picture image

Melody

These references make Little Mermaid II: Return to The Sea feel so lazy and with plot being so rehashed that characters even know it, it just makes a million times worse. Was there any effort put in to this? I mean I think one has to work hard to be this lazy. So maybe?

An Extremely Goofy Movie picture image

An Extremely Goofy Movie

An Extremely Goofy Movie is a sequel to the 1995 A Goofy Movie. Both movies deal with a father trying to be apart of his son’s life and the son yearning for independence. But where the Goofy Movie was bright, colorful and somewhat endearing, An Extremely Goofy Movie was shit.

Max and Goofy, An Extremely Goofy Movie

Max and Goofy

The plot is Back to School just with Goof Troop, that’s it. Even if you haven’t seen Back to School, the plot of this movie feels old and done. It differs a bit with extreme sports like skate boarding and there is a sub-plot of Goofy liking 70’s stuff. But the heart of the plot is a rehashing of the first movie where Goofy wants to be involved with Max’s life and Max’s wants his own life. And it gets old within the movie.

Sylvia and Goofy, An Extremely Goofy Movie picture image

Sylvia and Goofy

The animation is all over the place, from really choppy to smooth rotoscoping. During the disco dance scene the animation is really fluid, so much so that it looks rotoscoped. Rotoscoping is an animation technique in which animators trace over footage. The mixture of the fluid rotoscoping and the choppy animation looks terrible. It wouldn’t be so bad if both extremes were not in the same scene.

Pete, Max and Pauly Shore errm Bob , An Extremely Goofy Movie picture image

Pete, Max, and Pauly Shore errm Bob

So if the plot is cliched and ripped off and the animation is inconsistent but how are the characters? Goofy is fine except that he comes off annoying in his attempts to hang out with Max. Max is pretty unlikable and him having same voice as Kovu threw me off, I watch pretty much right after I watched LionKing 2. Max doesn’t really have an interesting personality or things that makes him special.

Pete was more interesting with his limited scene time. That Pauly Shore character was beyong annoying. The other characters hardly register as characters.

Goofy and Bradley Uppercrust the Third , An Extremely Goofy Movie picture image

Goofy and Bradley Uppercrust the Third

Personally, I didn’t enjoy An Extremely Goofy Movie. I found it heartless and annoying. I had really hard time finishing it. I have very little to say on this one. I don’t think it’s the worst of the sequels but it’s far from being any good. It was just extremely meh.

I tend to go a bit mad when I decorate Christmas Cookies and here is my Cross-section of La Fidel from the stupid Hunchback Sequel to prove it.

La Fidel Cookie hunchback sequal

La Fidel Cookie

It’s an almond cookie for anyone who is curious.

These songs were judged based on how lame the song was musically and contextually. Originally I want to keep it to movie but I didn’t. Hunchback versions like Secret of the Hunchback, Jetlag, or Enchanted could have dominated this List but that a little unfair as they are very much the worst of the worst that everything about them is crap. So I’m limiting their amount. I pretty must keeping this movie version with one exception because it’s my list.

10.  A Guy like You, Disney

Gargoyles A Guy like you Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Gargoyles A Guy like you Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

Compare to the other songs on this list, this is a masterpiece. However when you compare it to the other songs in the Disney movie, it’s really BAD. The song builds up Quasimodo’s confidence only to have it crash down right after this song.  However the way this done is by focusing on Quasimodo’s look and not his personality which is contrary to  whole point of everything in this movie.  However the music, singing and lyrics are all decent.

9. The Bells all Ring, Enchanted Tales

 Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

I once read a comment on this song that it lowers intelligence and yeah it’s pretty damn stupid. It comes out of nowhere and somehow this is the love song for Esmeralda and Quasimodo who just met.  But the bell imagery fits. So while it is indeed  very very stupid it’s harmless it won’t impact your intelligence too much.

8. Fa Fa Fa Fallen in Love, Hunchback II

Madeline and Quasimodo Fa la la la Fallen In Love Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney 2 Sequel

Madeline and Quasimodo Fa la la la Fallen In Love Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney

This song is just a big ball of weird confusion. It is both pedantic and stupid and it proves it doesn’t understand the characters. First, it uses words like roundelay and madrigal but then it has lyrics that go “Oh, Wow”  and  has “Fa La La La” in the title whatever intelligence and cleverness it was trying to get out the big words is wasted.  But my annoyance with this song is  because it’s Quasimodo who have fallen in love and how big a deal it is that “Love has nailed him” and “Love’s derailed him.”  It really should be Madeline (the girl) who has been derailed. Quasimodo’s life goal has been to be love  so love can’t nail him or derail him when he has been working and hoping that this will happen to him.

7. Take your Cares and Toss Them, The Secret of the Hunchback

Gargoyles sing to Quasimodo,The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Gargoyles sing to Quasimodo,The Secret of the Hunchback

One of the most infamous songs in The Secret of the Hunchback is the Gargoyles’ song. The Gargoyles’ song  is infamous because the gargoyles sing “doo-wa” in  a jazzy manner while wearing sunglasses and playing instruments. Oh it’s idiotic. The context is Quasimodo is imagining the gargoyles are cheering him up. So while it’s kinda of works in way  it just an excuse to get a singing gargoyle in the movie. The whole thing is a failure of execution but so is the rest of the movie.  I will say that this song does a better job of telling Quasimodo that he is awesome. In fact “you’re awesome” is an actual lyric. It’s lame but  given the movie it’s not surprising.

6. Frollo’s song, The Secret of the Hunchback

Frollo singing, The Secret of the Hunchback, picture image

Frollo singing, The Secret of the Hunchback

If Jafar and Gaston had a love child it would be this version’s  Frollo. In The Secret of the Hunchback, Frollo is the sheriff of Paris or something. His motivation is he wants the gold of Notre Dame and as this “villain song” implies he is going to use it to take over the world.  So yeah his motivations are generic and confused much like this song. Musically this song feels all over the place and ends with Frollo going very low which feels weird and out of place. But I give the singer some credit as he says “Forte” correctly, so that is something.

5. Si Tu Pouvais Voir en moi (If you could see inside me), Notre Dame de Paris (2001)

 Gio di Tonno as Quasimodo, Notre Dame de Paris Itlaian  version picture image

Gio di Tonno as Quasimodo, Notre Dame de Paris Italian version

While I do think another song Notre Dame de Paris is worst, I excuse it since it is a bridge song. This song was a bridge song before they turned it  into  Quasimodo’s judgmental song. This song was not original to the show. Originally it was a bridge song for a Frollo song but instead it’s Quasimodo singing about Esmeralda being shallow for not noticing his pure love and the other guys lustful intensions. The thing we got all that from “Belle” (one of the greatest hunchback songs ever)  and it’s just plain out of character for Quasimodo to sing those things. And considering it’s short and musically it’s only a few chords getting the character wrong is a major issue. And  to make matters worse this song doesn’t even have to exist as it’s a replacement song. I realllllllllly HATE this song.

4. Love is Everything, Jetlag

Quasimodo and Esmeralda embrace Jetlag version Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Quasimodo and Esmeralda embrace

Love is Everything is ending song for the Jetlag  version and boy oh boy is it a lazy piece of exploitative deleted. Quasimodo sings about how love is awesome and he’s happy to be in love and to be loved Blah blah blah how many songs are like this? But they use the tune to “We Three Kings” which makes zero sense. At least it’s not a national anthem which some of the lazier Hunchback song use. Overall this song is lazy, stupid and boring.

3. Dance to the Music of Paris, Enchanted Tales

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda,Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame  picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

This song is the opening song for Enchanted Tales.  Unlike The Bells all Rings this song  attacks your intelligence. First  the song has no clue what time period the story takes place it. It uses the Can-Can as the melody. But this song is a  cesspool of horrific lyrics. Lyrics like “Oui Oui,” “ooo la la,” and “the food is delicious, it’s pure gastronomy but don’t ask what’s in it because it’s Paris mon ami.”  They also rhyme Rhythm with Rhythm.           They also repeat a TON of clips not in this part but throughout this version. This song is so complex in its awfulness that I can not even express it properly.

2. I’d Stick with you, Hunchback II

 

Quasimodo and Zephyr I'd Stick With You Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney Sequel 2 picture

Quasimodo and Zephyr I’d Stick With You Hunchback of Notre Dame II Disney

I’d Stick with you is a buddy  song between Quasimodo and Zephyr (Esmeralda & Phoebus’ son). It’s Zephyr posing a stupid scenario that if he was covered in glue would Quasimodo still be his friend. Oh My Goodness, is that Stupid. The song is just to show Madeline that Quasimodo is nice.  The song has this sing-song way about it makes you want to hit mute.  The lyrics are awful, half of them are set-ups so they can rhyme with “stick”.  It bad, really bad but there is one song that out stupids it.

1. Magic in your heart, Enchanted Tales

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame  picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

This song….this song…….(cries) what fuck is is this?  So ummmm, Melody a.k.a Not Esmeralda, has been arrested and sentenced to die and to make herself feel better she sings this uptempo abomination. She starts imagining that items in her cell came to life and start dancing around. Items like hay, iron bars, and stone blocks. She also gives instruments to mice.   Considering that she can make instruments come to life with annoying personalities, I find it hard to believe that this only her imagination. But the song has no purpose in a Hunchback version. I mean I guess it shows her character but Not Esmeralda never showed a personality other than blandly nice so there is no point to this. I mean she doesn’t seem at all concern that she is going to die.  The lyrics are crap, the visuals are stupid, context is shit, and the singing is grating.

Get all these movies and witness the awfulness yourself;

Disney/Sequel Blu-Ray

The Jetlag Version

Enchanted Tales

The Secret of the Hunchback
Notre Dame de Paris (Please Note- The song on the list isn’t in this version)

 

He maybe ugly as sin but remember ladies, Quasimodo is a Frenchmen so looks don’t matter. Not when he’s armed with that Beret, that Mustache, those Baguettes and that Red Wine.  No woman can resist the charms of a Frenchmen even the ugly ones.

Frenchmen Quasimodo paroday of Hunchback of Notre Dame Disney sequel picture image

Frenchmen Quasimodo