Pan’s Labyrinth Review: Chalk-a, Chalk, ChalkZone

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Pan's Labyrinth picture image

Pan’s Labyrinth

Before I begin this review I just want to say that Guillermo del Toro you some how read this, please make that Monster adaptation for HBO! Please.

Ok, so Pan’s Labyrinth a.k.a El Laberinto del Fauno or Faun’s Labyrinth is a 2006 Spanish movie written and directed by Guillermo del Toro who I hope one day will do that HBO version of Monster which is a kick-ass anime but enough on that. Pan’s Labyrinth is a very dark fairy that mixes the 1940’s political climate of Spain with a girl quest to free her soul through a fairy.

Ivana Baquero as Ofelia with Faun Pan's Labyrinth picture image

Ivana Baquero as Ofelia with Faun

The movie follows a young girl named Ofelia as she moves with her pregnant mother to live with her new step father, a sadistic captain in the country. There Ofelia encounters fairy-like creature who bring her into a nearby labyrinth where she meets, Faun, an ancient half-human half goat creature. Faun tells her that she is a the reincarnation of Princess Moanna, who once lived underground in a land with no pain or sorrow. One Moanna went up to the human world and forget everything and died. Faun tells her she must perform three task so her soul can be returned.

While Ofelia tries to accomplish her tasks, the captain has to deal with rebels one of whom works as maid, Mercedes. Ofelia first task to get a key from a frog who lives under a dying tree. Before the second task Faun gives Ofelia a mandrake root to aid her mother which works.

For the second task Ofelia is given magical chalk that can create passageways. She has to enter the abode of the Pale Man to retrieve an item. She is told to not eat any of the food at the Pale Man’s table. She uses the key she got from the frog’s belly to find a dagger. However she breaks the rules and eats two grapes. This awaken the very creepy Pale Man who kills two out the three fairies and nearly gets Ofelia. Ofelia tells Faun about what happens and tells her that she can never return.

The evil Captain finds the mandrake root and is mad and Ofelia’s mother burns it only to go into labour and dies giving birth to Ofelia’s brother. Ofelia and Mercedes try to escape but the captain catches them. Mercedes is nearly interrogated but she gets away. Ofelia is locked in her room. Faun comes to Ofelia and tells he will give her one last chance but she must not question him. She must bring her baby brother to the labyrinth and Faun gives her some chalk to help her get out of the room.

Ofelia gets her little brother but the captain sees her and goes after her. The rebels attack and when the go into Ofelia’s room all the see is the chalk door. Ofelia maged to get to the center of the labyrinth where Faun tells her that the blood of her brother must spill to open the portal. Ofelia refuses and Faun leaves her. The Captain shows up takes the baby and shots Ofelia.

As the captain leaves the labyrinth he meets the rebels who kill him and take the baby. Mercedes goes to a dying Ofelia. Ofelia then see her King father and Queen mother as Princess Moanna in the underground kingdom. Faun tells her that her final test was not allowing the innocent blood of her brother to flow for her sake.

Ivana Baquero as Ofelia Pan's Labyrinth picture image

Ivana Baquero as Ofelia

The question that most people ask about this movie is was were the fantasy elements real or not. There seems to be indication that it was both true as Ofelia did get out her lock room, the mandrake worked, her getting to the center of labyrinth magically and the flower blooming from the dead tree. However when the captain saw Ofelia in the labyrinth talking with Faun, the captain didn’t see Faun. This might mean it’s not true but the Captain was a horrible person so I wouldn’t go by his perspective. Really it’s up to the viewer to make the call if the fairy tale Ofelia lives and dies for is real or her imagination to escape her reality.

Ivana Baquero as Ofelia with the Pale Man Pan's Labyrinth picture image

Ivana Baquero as Ofelia with the Pale Man

While I really like this movie I have a huge problem with it, the real world issue and the fairy tale element competing for importance. Most of this movie is a cartoony fascist being a villain peppered with Ofelia doing her fairy tale JRPG quests. The real world fascist such vs the rebels does give the fairy tale parts more poignance and there were handled well together but I feel like they were two different movie ideas that got combined. Maybe if was more fantasy less horrible fascist it would have been better because the dark fairy tale part were more interesting. Or if the real world character were not so black and white, the captain was clearly evil and Mercedes was clearly good.

Ivana Baquero as Ofelia with the Pale Man Pan's Labyrinth picture image

Ivana Baquero as Ofelia with the Pale Man

However this movie isn’t about characters, it’s more of a mood piece. It creates a dark world paired with a harsh reality. None of the characters are that deep or have have compelling motivation but the technicals more than make up for it. Faun and the Pale Man are really amazing and the dark richness of the sets draw the viewer into the movie world. The CG work isn’t as glorious but it could have been worse. Also the lullaby melody is so beautiful.

Ivana Baquero as Ofelia entering the Underground kingdom as Princess Moanna Pan's Labyrinth picture image

Ivana Baquero as Ofelia entering the Underground kingdom as Princess Moanna

Pan’s Labyrinth is a intoxicating movie that combines a beautiful dark fairy tale with the horrors of reality, though because the fairy part were more interesting I wish the movie had more of those scene than that cartoonish villain being a jerk.

Clue 1 and Clue 2

 

The Dark Crystal Review: Prophets can be wrong…

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The Dark Crystal picture image

The Dark Crystal

When the world thinks about the Legacy of Jim Henson, it typically thinks of the glory of the Muppets. However Henson did more than just the Muppets in his career. We have looked his 1986 movie, Labyrinth which was a light-hearted adventure featuring human characters. By contrast the 1982 movie, The Dark Crystal is a much darker movie featuring all puppets.

Jen with the Skeksis Chamberlain The Dark Crystal picture image

Jen with the Skeksis Chamberlain

The Dark Crystal starts with some backstory about a thousand years ago a magical crystal cracked and two races appeared, the icky Skeksis and hippie Mystics. The Skeksis seized control and used the crystal to replenish their lives. The also killed a races of elf-like creature called the Gelfling because their a prophesy about how a Gelfling will heal the shattered Dark Crystal.

Among the peaceful Mystics lives the last Gelfling, a boy named Jen. As the the leader of the Mystics lay dying, he tells Jen to find a beinging named Aughra who has the missing crystal Shard. As the Mystic leader dies, the Skeksis leader also dies. There is a power struggle among the other Skeksis. Two try to became the emperor, the Genreal wins and the Chamberlin is exile. It is then they learn about Jen and they send the Garthim, crab-like creature to get him.

Jen makes it Aughra’s, who tells him that the Dark Crystal must be healed by but the time the three suns come together, an event called The Great Conjunction which is happing very soon. Aughra gives him some crystal shards telling Jen she doesn’t know which one is the Dark Crystal. Jen figures it out as it resonates with the tune the Mystic sing, but then the Garthim attacks and destroys Aughra’s home and Jen escapes.

Jen then meets another Gelfling, a girl named Kira and her pet named Fizzgig. Kira can communicate with all number of animals. Kira takes Jen to her village where she lives with the Podling after the death of her mother. The Garthim attack again and takes many of the Podlings as the Podling are used as slaves for the Skeksis after their life essences in drained away. Jen and Kira only escape the raid as the Skeksis chamberlain saves them.

Jen and Kira find an Gelfling temple of sorts and learn about the prophesy that only a Gelfling can heal the Dark Crystal. The Chamberlain turns up and begs the Gelfling to go to the Skeksis castle so that there can be peace but Jen and Kira reject him and travel to castle on their own. The Mystics also start making their way toward the Skeksis Castle.

As Jen and Kira approach the castle the intercept the Podling Hostages and free them. They flee the Garthim due to Kira’s wings, which only female Gelflings have. They enter the castle through a subterranean window but Kira is captured by the Chamberlain. The Skeksis plan to drain her of her life essences as it will make the new Emperor young again. As Kira is being drained, Jen telepathically tells her to fight and Aughra, who is imprisoned in the same room with a host of animals tells Kira to call the animals. Kira does and she escapes and one one the Skeksis is killed when he is thrown into the Lava pit that houses the Dark Crystal and when the Skeksis dies a Mystic dies too.

As the Great Conjuncture starts the Skeksis gather in the hall of the Dark Crystal. Jen magnes to get on top of the Crystal but drops the shard. Kira picks it up and throws it to Jen and one of the Skeksis stabs her and Fizzgig is thrown into the shaft of the Dark Crystal. As Jen heals the Crystal the Mystic enter the hall and they merged into the Skeksis to reveal a new race that thousand years ago shattered the Crystal with their ignorance. They bring back Kira to life and even Fizzgig is fine as Aughra saved him. Yay.

Kira holding the Crystal Shard The Dark Crystal picture image

Kira holding the Crystal Shard

In a perfect world, movies wouldn’t have to choose between style over substance. They two would work together to create a movie. Now a lot of movie do this but typically there a clear winner of intention, one wins over the over.

With the The Dark Crystal it would seem that the style of the puppets and the world that was created for the movie won over the substance but the substance and the style work more together to form this movie’s look and feel. The substance of the story and characters are made simple to give the style more room. If the movie had complicated the narrative it wouldn’t have allowed the world and the style to move as freely in the narrative. This was the issue with Oz the Great and powerful. Remember when the movie spent a good few minutes on the River of CGs but rushes Theodora’s evil transformation? That is what I mean, The Dark Crystal doesn’t rush the simple yet complex narrative yet still allows the the weird world to come through.

Weaver Mystic The Dark Crystal picture image

Weaver Mystic

So how is the story simple yet complicated? The story is simply a chosen one(s) that has to save the world, basically a hero’s journey. You don’t get much more simple than that. What makes it complicated is that technically one could save that because there are two Gelflings that either Kira or Jen could have done and the two work together like a couplet, more of them later. The is also the whole balance of good and evil and how one needs the other for balance. The Skeksis are evil and horrible but the Mystic are descried as living in a illusion of peace. One can be either wholly good or pure evil, there is a balance. That is some complex thoughts for a children’s movie.

Kira, Jen and Fizzgig The Dark Crystal picture image

Kira, Jen and Fizzgig

The characters are all really interesting, even boring Jen is fairly compelling. Jen doesn’t want to be a hero, he was asked to heal the crystal but he doesn’t whine that much. He is sheltered and somewhat naive which is a contrast to Kira who is more worldly. She knows how to speak to animals. She is the take charge one. Jen and Kira have a good balance between them, they need each other and it’s a good partnership.

The other character aren’t as develop. I wish there was more back ground on Aughra because she cool. Fizzgig is fun too has he looks like a sweet little puppy-ish thing but he has a big scary mouth. The Chamberlain is the most intresting of Skeksis as he is a schemer. He tries to trick Jen and Kira with peace to bring them to castle so he can get back in with Skeksis and when that fails he just kidnaps Kira. The other Skeksis have personalities but they are never made super clear outside their looks and moments.

Kira on a Landstrider The Dark Crystal picture image

Kira on a Landstrider

Now we have come to it, the technicals. This movie was created to be a puppet movie. Would it have been nearly as cool if it was a Live action movie or an animated movie?Maybe. The 80’s were ripe with weird live action movie, so it hard to say. But the puppets and the sheer other-worldliness they create is just so wonder to watch. The design by Brain Froud are wonder, with the dragon/vulture Skeksis and the dog/dinosaurs Mystic. Everything is so cool to look at. I also love the part where Jen walks into Aughra’s home and he sees that machine of the planets, so cool. And the Landstriders, aww those poor Landstriders.

Aughra The Dark Crystal picture image

Aughra

So let say you’re watching The Dark Crystal you make notice that the movie is dark and scary. One of thoughts about 80’s children movies is that it’s ok to scare children as long as there is a happy ending. So they can freak kids out with creepy Skeksis, throwing Fizzgig into a Lave pit and stabbing Kira as long as they show that Fizzgig is ok and the merged Skeksis and Mystic beings called UrSheks revive Kira.

Fizzgig The Dark Crystal picture image

Fizzgig

The Dark Crystal is a masterpiece of the puppet artistry in a movie form. There isn’t like anything like it, a serious and somewhat dark puppet movie.

For more – The World of the Dark Crystal: The Collector’s Edition

New Clues, clue 1 and clue 2

Oz The Great and Powerful; Shut-up Theodora

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Oz The Great and Powerful picture image

Oz The Great and Powerful

Basically one day, some Disney executive smoked a joint and thought “let’s have a prequel to The Wizard of Oz” but someone told them there was already a prequel floating around called Wicked. But the executive ignored that story and decided to throw money at pretty obvious prequel story based on the Wizard’s origins without the aid of the original source material by L.Frank Baum. And the result was Oz The Great and Powerful.

If I sound like I dislike this movie, I really didn’t hate it, I mean I didn’t like it either. It does something nicely but it has a lot of flaws and the story is just typical.

James Franco as Oz and Michelle Williams as Glinda Oz The Great and Powerful picture image

James Franco as Oz and Michelle Williams as Glinda

Oz is side-show magician who is also a con-man womanizer. He wants to be a great man like Tesla Ruining, Elephant killing, reason for L.A,  Thomas Edison. One day he gets in trouble with an audience and a strongman and he escapes in hot air balloon and get sucks into tornado and lands in the whimsical land of OZ. He meets a pretty lady named Theodaora the good, a witch. She tells Oz that he is the wizard of prophesy who save the land and rule OZ. Then they get attacked by the wicked witch’s minion. As they make their way to the Emerald City, Oz flirts with Theodora and she being an innocent naive lady believes him and thinks he is going to marry her. He also meets a flying monkey named Finley who becomes Oz’s servant

At the Emerald City Oz meets Theodora’s sister, Evanora. Evanora tells Oz he needs to kill the wicked witch before he can become king. So he leaves with Finley but doesn’t tell Theodora. Evanora then starts manipulating Theodora against Oz.

On their way to a dark forest they see that city that was attacked by the Wicked Witch and they meet a China Girl. Oz fixes her broken legs and joins the party. They sees the wicked witch but she is actually Glinda the Good Witch of the North and the daughter of the original king of OZ who got murdered. Evanora is revealed the real wicked witch. Theodora then gets mad at Oz for being with Glinda, Evanora gives Theodora an apple to remove her heart and as result Theodora’s skin changes to green and she is wicked. Evanora then attacks Oz and crew. They escape with Glinda’s bubbles and they go to Munchkin land.

Oz and crew plan an attack using Oz’s skills of illusion and misdirection. They win and Theodora leaves and Glinda beats Evanora who is actually an ugly hag. Oz then rules OZ as the Wizard of OZ. The end.

The China Girl Oz The Great and Powerful picture image

The China Girl

With Oz The Great and Powerful we have three movies within the same universe that are VASTLY different in tones and style. The original 1939 movie is fun and light-hearted while the sequel Return to Oz is classic 80’s dark children faire. Oz The Great and Powerful is sort of in middle of those tones but it’s very unapologetic in its modern sense of story telling.

Like the main character who wants more from life and to be the very best like no-one ever was. There is also a prophecy about the chosen one. More than that, the movie reveals in the 3D theatre experience where it just take it’s time for the pretty CG stuff to sink in, which are fine on the whole. The China Girl was one of the best CGs I have seen in a long time. The shine and shadows on her were wonderful. She was also the only character with any sense of pathos.

Also speaking of the other movies. The 1939 movie made it clear that OZ was a dream and Return To Oz was the nightmare though it was a little more vague in Reurn to Oz. However is straight up Oz subtitle the Great and Powerful it’s not a dream, it’s real. Which makes it confusing when there  are characters in Kansas that are the basis for characters in the land of OZ  most notably Michelle Williams as Annie who is a former lover of Oz’s as well as Glinda.

Rachel Weisz as Evanora Oz The Great and Powerful picture image

Rachel Weisz as Evanora

Then we have the casting. The casting is very problematic in this movie. There is something about James Franco. I don’t know what it but I do not buy it. He seems to lack the charm and charisma that this character needs. However he is not this biggest casting mistake. That would be Mila Kunis as Theodora. Her naive innocence, which should have been core to the character was not believable but Kunis was better in that capacity than her as the Wicked Witch, which she did not pull off at all. It bordered on being silly but in a very boring way. Michelle Williams and Rachel Weisz were fine in their roles. Only the China Girl and the flying Money did the best and the were just voice acting.

Mila Kunis as Theodora Oz The Great and Powerful picture image

Mila Kunis as Theodora

This movie may seem like character driven movie but it exist more as a technical piece because once you start asking about characters and motivation there isn’t a lot there. The character that should have been interesting is Theodora but her “broken” was the most rushed and illogical turning point ever. She get a broken heart because Oz talks to Glinda, that is it. I mean yes, Evanora turned her against him but in a movie that allowed for few minutes of showing Oz travel down the river to rush a major moment was sloppy. Also the make-up for the wicked witch was beyond bad.  Theodora was wasted.

Bubble travel Oz The Great and Powerful picture image

Bubble travel

If your going to watch Oz The Great and Powerful watch it for some of the technicals, like the China Girl and some of the imagery. Don’t want it for an compelling story or interesting characters, you will not find it on this yellow or red brick road.

Since October is a theme month we going with Live-Action fairy tale-ish movies that in keep with said theme, more or less, so  Clue 1 and Clue 2

Red Riding Hood Review: That Red Cloak does all the work

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Red Riding Hood picture image

Red Riding Hood

Let’s not mince any words or waste any time, This movie sucks. Red Riding Hood (2011) tries to take an already dark story and tries to make it more dark and add a Twilight-esque love triangle and hey it was directed Catherine Hardwicke to boot (Twilight director). So why was it bad?

Amanda Seyfried as Valerie and Shiloh Fernandez as Peter Red Riding Hood picture image

Amanda Seyfried as Valerie and Shiloh Fernandez as Peter

In undisclosed medieval Fantasy times there is a village the is plagued by werewolf attacks but the people and the werewolf have an understanding where they give it some livestock and it does kill people, ah Harmony itself. Living in this village is young Valerie and her pal Peter, get it Peter and the wolf, too clever. They caught a rabbit together and Valerie kills it, pay attention to that because it like SUPER important later, like you have no idea, your mind will be blown.

Flash forward ten years and Valerie has grown. She is in love with Peter but her mother wants her to marry rich bland guy Henry. Also the werewolf has killed a human, Valerie’s older sister Lucie. The Village people are pissed so the go mob style and kill a wolfs but a crazy priest who hunts werewolfs tells them they didn’t. In the hunt for the werewolf Henry’s father is killed. Valerie then learns the Lucie’s real father was Henry’s father and me mother had an affair.

At some point, Valerie gets her red riding hood from her grandmother who lives in the woods. Then the werewolf attacks and speaks with Valerie and only she can understand, it tells her that it wants her to come away with it or it will destroy the village. Valeries sees that the werewolf has brown human eyes and since everyone but Valerie has brown eyes everyone is a suspect. There is also a blood moon which means it is the time for the werewolf to pass on the curse.

So some more stuff happens, Crazy priest dies and it turns out Valerie’s dad is the werewolf and the curse that has been in the family for generations which makes it strong. He killed Lucie because he was enraged to learn that she wasn’t his daughter when she couldn’t understand him. Valerie’s dad tries to convince her that she has it in her to be a werewolf because she killed the rabbit, mind-blown. Then Peter comes in, Valerie kills her dad but Peter got bitten in the fight and gets the curse.

Red Riding Hood picture image

Amanda Seyfried as Valerie

First thing, Valerie takes the death of most of her family pretty darn well. Her sister dies and she is pretty sad but that is over in a few scenes, I mean she does have more important things to deal with, like her love triangle. But she feels nothing when her grandmother is killed and she kills her own father and it like no reaction. She should not be ok.

Amanda Seyfried as Valerie Red Riding Hood picture image

Amanda Seyfried as Valerie

Valerie’s inability to express emotions could be the result of shitty writing and character development but I think it’s something; bad acting. The acting in the movie is on the whole BAD! Mostly everyone under act the shit out of this except one Gary Oldman who vomits up the god-damn fake scenery. Really it’s hard to get into this movie with the amount of bad work from the actors.

While I’m here I might as well discuss the characters. So Valerie tells us that she tries to be a good girl but the killing of the rabbit proves she isn’t. Not sure why I would except a girl in her position in life, in medieval times to have skinned and prepare food was it because it was for boots. Other than the dark stain on her character she is built up to be pretty and prefect but really Vanilla Ice Cream have more bite than her. She is bland and yet she stabbed her lover, dances suggestively, tried to have sex with Peter all the time and killed her own father and yet she is bland. That is pretty amazing, see what the power of bad acting can achieve.

The other characters were bland too but what REALLY bothers me is that writing in this movie is so shitty that things like character motivations and establishing emotions which is needed to development are not there for the sake of the boring, I repeat BORING love triangle. For instance Valerie’s father, his motivation is he wants to leave the village because he has been disrespected, his words but when did that happen? We never see it maybe it was the affair and Lucie not being his child but he wanted to leave before that hence why he called Lucie out. Speaking of Lucie you can’t feel anything for her when she dies because we never see her alive save for like two flashbacks. Why couldn’t there have been a scene with Lucie and Valerie as children laughing or something? Instead we have establish Valerie and Peter, you know the important emotion source of the movie….though this movie is as emotional as a math textbook.

Shiloh Fernandez as Peter Red Riding Hood picture image

Shiloh Fernandez as Peter

Anyway moving on to the scenery or the sets. I have seen Ren Faire with more believability in the sets that this movie vague attempts at a backdrop. The sets looked fake. There was no life to anything, no grit no realness. Really with this level of non commitment to having interesting character or sets there is nothing to maintain the viewer’s attention other than attractive people running around in the snow. I was bored by the minute seven.

Amanda Seyfried as Valerie Red Riding Hood picture image

Amanda Seyfried as Valerie

Basically this movie was made on Twilight’s coattails and the trend of making dark fairy tales movie that was popular for a while. It’s similarities to source material of Little Red Riding hood are like little homages. Her Red Riding hood was pointless, Peter being the woodsmen, going to grandmother’s house and the lines about grandmother’s facial features. These were just there to connect to the source and not much else. This a Twilight werewolf movie.

Amanda Seyfried as Valerie and Shiloh Fernandez as Peter Red Riding Hood picture image

Amanda Seyfried as Valerie and Shiloh Fernandez as Peter

Red Riding Hood sucks, it tries to be dark bit with emotional impact or interest from the actors it just lays there on the floor limp and lifeless. Some of the shot were cool like of the scenery, at least I believe that that mountain or that tree were a mountain and tree. Just skip it.

Clue 1 and Clue 2

Ever After: Ever After Review: A Cinderella who will cut and punch you

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Ever After: A Cinderella Story picture image

Ever After: A Cinderella Story

This is how you do an re-imagining of a classic tale! It’s not bogged down in stupid prophecy or epic grand battles between good an evil. Nor does it promise to give characterized to the characters but makes them worse cough2015Cinderellacough. No, Ever After – A Cinderella Story gives a fun, girl-power focus to the classic tale while giving the other character something more than they had in the past.

Drew Barrymore as Danielle and Dougray Scott as Prince Henry Ever After: A Cinderella Story picture image

Drew Barrymore as Danielle and Dougray Scott as Prince Henry

 

The story is tale for the most part as a story but there isn’t very active narrator. She just says a few lines and let’s the movie be. So young girl Danielle’s loving father brings home his new wife, Baroness Rodmilla along with her two daughters, Marguerite and Jacqueline. Right away, Rodmilla isn’t too fond on Danielle. After two weeks of teh father dies.

Tens years later, Danielle is eighteen and works the manor as a servant. One day while she is picking apples she sees a man selling her father’s horse and she pelt him with apples. The guy turns out to be the Prince fleeing from an arranged marriage. He gives her a lot of money to keep quiet. Danielle decides to use the money to pay back a servant that Rodmilla had sold to pay off her debts. When Rodmilla is unwilling to listen to Danielle about bring the servant back Danielle decides to pose as member of court. As that is happing the Prince, Henry get caught and brought back to the palace but not before he meets Leonardo Da Vinci and returns the horse to Danielle’s house.

As Danielle petitions for the release of the servant, Henry shows up and is impressed that Danielle quoted Thomas Moore’s Utopia, which a book that means a lot to Danielle as it was the last book her father brought home. When the Prince asks Danielle for her name she says that they only name to leave him with is Comtesse Nicole de Lancret, which was her mother’s name. Henry then assumes it’s Danielle’s name. The King also informs Henry that he has one month to find a wife or he will have or he will have to go through with the arranged marriage contract with Spain. His decision will be announced at a costume ball.

Danielle and Henry meet while Danielle is swimming. I should point out they has a cute snarky rapport. She calls him arrogant and he is charmed but her passion but they have good chemistry. As Danielle and Henry become closer with each encounter, Rodmilla is trying to get Marguerite to capture Henry’s attention. Rodmilla then learns that Danielle is the Comtesse the the whole court is talking about when she and Marguerite are chatting with the Queen. Rodmilla then lies and tells the queen that the Comtesse is engaged.

The nigh of the ball comes and Rodmilla locks Danielle up. To help get Danielle to the ball, Danielle’s friend gets Da Vinci to come to house bust her out and then he makes her wings. Danielle arrives at the ball and Rodmilla exposes he to Henry and he so angry that he can’t forgive her for lying. Danielle runs off and leaves her one her glass slippers.

The next day Rodmilla sells Danielle to a creepy rich dude. Henry then is seen getting married to the Spain Princess but the wedding doesn’t go through has either of them want it. Henry is then told Danielle was sold so he goes off to rescue her but girl saved herself. They two get married and Rodmilla and Marguerite are reduced to being laundry workers.

Anjelica Huston as Baroness Rodmilla de Ghent Ever After: A Cinderella Story picture image

Anjelica Huston as Baroness Rodmilla de Ghent

Ever After presents itself as a historical-fiction movie to give the story some legitimacy. Grounding it in the context of the real world makes it seems realer and less fairy tale, which is kind of this movie’s purpose. So instead of fairy godmother mother we have Leonardo Da Vinci. It’s weird but  makes some level of sense, until you start researching dates.

Megan Dodds as Marguerite de Ghent and Melanie Lynskey as Jacqueline de Ghent Ever After: A Cinderella Story picture image

Megan Dodds as Marguerite de Ghent and Melanie Lynskey as Jacqueline de Ghent

Since the story is left intact as a Cinderella story the details are what makes it different or give it interest. Outside of the decision to change the Godmother to Da Vinci or make the slipper as more an homage than a plot point or that the ball is a source of drama and confrontation, this movie is more of a character driven piece.

Unlike in the fairy tale version the prince has a character. It’s nothing like too complex, he just wants to be in love but he is charming enough. The stepmother had some  shades of grey in some moments but they did do too much with he feeling regarding her resent toward Danielle. She just comes off as vain and a social climber wanting her pretty daughter to get a high status. Really the most complicated character is Jacqueline. She is kind but wants to please her mother but you can see her frustration at her mother and sister’s attitude.

 

Drew Barrymore as Danielle Ever After: A Cinderella Story picture image

Drew Barrymore as Danielle

Then we have Danielle and if you thought she was the most complicated character in this movie, OH you are wrong. She is interesting because she is charming but she is too prefect. She is pretty but no conceded, she’s is kind but not a push over, piss her off and she will cut you, seriously. She also smart as she is well read but she is pretty street smart too. She also charismatic. Really I’m surprised she left her stepmother mistreat her but in defense of that she really wanted her love and she cared about her home so that was the reason she dealt with it. Her flaw is that she doesn’t have an flaws. That makes her less interesting but she is endearing because she is a Cinderella character who is mistreated so you care for her plight.

Drew Barrymore as Danielle Ever After: A Cinderella Story picture image

Drew Barrymore as Danielle

As far as the technicals go, it not that styically pretty. It’s most practical of a movie. The sets are all nice, the camera works is nice but the best part for me are the costumes. They are all very pretty. I really the Danielle’s ball and court gown. Though her work outfit was still not bad, it’s based on a painting.

Drew Barrymore as Danielle and Dougray Scott as Prince Henry Ever After: A Cinderella Story picture image

Drew Barrymore as Danielle and Dougray Scott as Prince Henry

Ever After – A Cinderella Story is a girl-power rendering of the fairy tale while giving the character some nice characterization and lets the leads fall in love based on their personality and not like hormones at a party.

clue 1 and clue 2

2002 The Snow Queen Review; Satan, Seasons, a Muppet and talking Reindeer, Oh My!

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The Snow Queen picture image

The Snow Queen

I feel like a broken record at this point saying that a movie can be both good and bad but that is what the Hallmark 2002 Tv-Movie, The Snow Queen is, it exists in a weird void of good/bad. The things that are good about The Snow Queen are really good and things that really bad are terrible.

I watched this movie a few weeks ago and it was REALLY long so keep that in mind.

Also this was based on Hans Christen Anderson’s story.

Bridget Fonda as Snow Queen with Chelsea Hobbs as Gerda The Snow Queen picture image

Bridget Fonda as Snow Queen with Chelsea Hobbs as Gerda

For a nearly three hour long movie the plot is pretty simple and yet insane. We have a Gerda who hates the winter because her mother was killed in the winter. And we have Kai a happy-go-lucky lad who loves the winter. Gerda’s father owns the inn where Kai works as a bellboy. Gerda and Kai then fall in love but one night a shard of a mirror falls into Kai’s eye and he turns into a jack-ass. Then a woman comes to the inn and kidnaps Kai. Gerda’s father has no memory of the woman and then Gerda finds a note from Kai asking for help.

Gerda then throws herself into a river and is save by the Spring Witch, who tries to keep her as her daughter. However Gerda has a magical rose brooch that once belonged to her mother and this brooch tells she must travel through the season to get to the Ice Queen who is keeping Kai. Gerda travels through the seasons, literally she meets them, the Summer Princess and the Autumn Robber both of whom want to keep her. As Gerda goes from one season to another, the Ice Queen has tasked Kai with assembling a magic mirror as she sleeps till Winter. Kai is made to work by a Polar Bear minion of the Snow Queen, who is in love with her.

As Gerda tries to free herself from the Autumn Robber she meets an old reindeer names Rutger. After they break free and head toward the Snow Queen’s domain they hear on the wind a story that the Polar Bear is telling to Kai about how Satan made the mirror for the seasons so that when they gazed into it the mirror reflected their essence. However the mirror was twisted and corrupted Winter and made her desire her power to be absolute. Winter then stole the mirror which weaken her sister seasons. Winter flew toward heaven to demand winter be the dominant season on earth but the mirror shattered and went into people’s eyes. Kai learns he can’t complete the mirrior as removing the shard will kill him.

Gerda shows up at the Snow Queen’s place, the mirror breaks, the Polar bear is really a prince and goes off with Snow Queen. Kai is better and him and Gerda return home, happy ending.

Bridget Fonda as Snow Queen with the Polar Bear The Snow Queen picture image

Bridget Fonda as Snow Queen with the Polar Bear

Postives, let’s start there. The first and most obvious best thing about this movie is, the Polar Bear. I’m not kidding. The Polar Bear puppet was hand-down the best thing in this movie. It looks so real. Seriously, it was better then any CG could hope to make. It was made by the Jim Henson company, so it’s technically a muppet.

Another positive thing is the movie takes it time to develop Gerda and Kai’s romance. We understand their connection and the change that Kai goes through as result of the shard.

I also like the idea of Gerda traveling through the seasons, reminds me of the Secret of Mana, old JRPG.

Kira Clavell as Summer Princess The Snow Queen picture image

Kira Clavell as Summer Princess

Now for the bad stuff. First and foremost, the acting, Oh Dear lord the acting! The acting was bad. Like BAD High school levels of acting. And not enjoyably bad either just painful. I’m not sure who fault this was because actors and directors seem competent, so I just don’t get it. Maybe everyone was having an off shoot. Regardless of abilities it was bad on the acting front.

Jennifer Clement as Spring Witch The Snow Queen picture image

Jennifer Clement as Spring Witch

The technicals weren’t anything amazing, except the Polar Bear puppet. There were some nice shots but nothing above average. The costumes were beyond silly though. Why is the Snow Queen wearing a feather-like collar? It just looked silly

The Snow Queen picture image

The Polar Bear fishing

Hallmark 2002 The Snow Queen isn’t like the worse thing in the world. If You have nearly three hours and can handle some truly bad acting give it a watch but if your not inclined you not missing too much except the Polar Bear puppet.

Clue 1 and Clue 2

Ella Enchanted Review; Who wears a Hoodie to a Ball?

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Ella Enchanted picture image

Ella Enchanted

This movie confuses me, I’m not really sure who it’s for. If I had to venture a guess I would say Ella Enchanted is for eight year girls who liked the Princess Dairies and like to shop at Claire’s. So if you fit that description you MIGHT sincerely like this movie but I can’t really imagine everyone else liking this movie. I sort of used to like this movie in a guilty-pleasure way but it’s really chaotically goofy and not in a good way as it takes itself seriously.

Anne Hathaway as Ella and Hugh Dancy as Prince Char Ella Enchanted picture image

Anne Hathaway as Ella and Hugh Dancy as Prince Char

Main plot goes a little like this, sweet little baby Ella who lives in a place called Frell gets a special gift from a well-meaning but incompetent fairy named Lucinda. Lucinda  gives Ella the gift of obedience which means Ella has to whatever she is told whether or not she wants to or if she is physically capable. Only her mother and their house-fairy know and before Ella’s mother dies she tells Ella not to tell anyone about the gift/curse.

Ella grows up to be a liberal-minded teenage and her father gets remarried to a vain woman with two daughters, meanie Hattie and dum-dum Olive. One day the handsome Prince Charmont a.k.a Char comes to Frell for a Mall opening, Ella and her pal take the opportunity to protest for Ogre’s rights which Char’s evil Uncle, Edgar is persecuting. Hattie gets mad and sends Ella off on her way but Ella then runs into Char and since she is the only girl to not fancy Char they have a snarky attraction. Hattie then finds them and sends Ella back to the mall where Ella gets into trouble because Hattie caught on to Ella doing what she is told and Hattie and Olive made her steal stuff.

Ella decides that she need to get Lucinda to take back the gift, so her house-fairy, Mandy gives her a special book named Benny who is also her boyfriend to help Ella find Lucinda as he can show people and not where they are, though looking at context Ella sees that Lucinda is going to a wedding in Giant-ville. So she off with a Book and along the way she runs into an Elf who wants to be a lawyer, some ogres and Char. They go to the wedding but miss Lucinda. Char recommends Ella looks at census stuff at the castle.

At the castle Edgar gets wind of Ella doing what she is told and orders her to kill Char when he pops the question because they are in love. Ella tries to break it off with Char and chains herself up to a tree. Her plan might have worked but Lucinda shows up, frees Ella and gives a dress for the ball. Ella goes to the ball and nearly kills Char but breaks the gift by telling herself not to obey anymore, that never crosses her mind before? To tell herself not to obey?  Ella is  arrested but her crew of oppressed magical friends help her, fight scene and Edgar inadvertently poisons himself, though doesn’t die. Ella and Char get married and they end with a song and dance number.

Anne Hathaway as Ella Ella Enchanted picture image

Anne Hathaway as Ella

Just so we’re 100% clear Ella Enchanted was based on a book of the same name by Gail Carson Levine from 1997. I haven’t read the book but from what I can gather the movie is nothing like the book, like you can’t even compare the two they are too different. So the movie wasn’t for fans of the book.

Also I have to wonder about the whole gift giving thing. The movie seems to indicate the giving babies gift was commonplace but we never hear anyone else talking about their gift. Maybe the book explains it but the movie doesn’t. Also is a fairy an occupation? Like what is the difference between Lucinda and Mandy. Mandy says she is a house-fairy but what does that MEAN? Do other houses have house fairies? Is she employed? Are any fairies good at the their jobs? These little things just take me out of the movie.

Cary Elwes as Edgar and Heston Ella Enchanted picture image

Cary Elwes as Edgar and his useless snake goon

There is one thing I liked about this movie but I kind of hate that I like it, the actors. There are so many actors I love who are in this movie, from Cary Elwes, Eric Ideal, Joanna Lumley, Heidi Klum, Jim Carter ect. I don’t really have a issue with Anne Hathaway, Vivica A.Fox, Minnie Driver or Hugh Dancy but most of these actors have been in things I have liked and yet they somehow are in this movie? I mean they wasted Joanna Lumley who is awesome in AB Fab. The trouble is expect for Elwes who is just chewing the scenery everyone is playing this movie fairly straight when the idea is supposedly to be taking jabs at fairy tales.

Anne Hathaway as Ella Ella Enchanted picture image

Anne Hathaway as Ella

It seems like the movie is parodying fairy-tales with it quirky stye but the basic story is being true to yourself and that is what Ella does while being perfect. I mean she is pretty and has no emotional hang-ups, she is smart and proactive. She is damn perfect that is not very interesting. The only thing that makes her interesting is her curse which is the source of most the film’s weak attempts at humor.

Lucy Punch as Hattie and Jennifer Higham as Olive Ella Enchanted picture image

Lucy Punch as Hattie and Jennifer Higham as Olive

Then we have come to another major issue with this movie, the costumes. Execpt for Ella, all the costumes are AWFUL, they are trash. I don’t know how this movie managed to make Heidi Klum look bad but they did. The movie has this weird sense of fanasty fairy tale costume but they give them weird modern cuts with gross fabric. Olive at one point has to wear a purple hoodie that is the fuzzy and glittery at a ball. Also Ella’s ball gown was a snooze.

Anne Hathaway as Ella and Hugh Dancy as Prince Char Ella Enchanted picture image

Anne Hathaway as Ella and Hugh Dancy as Prince Char

Ella Enchanted has somethings going for it like the good cast and not abysmal pacing but the humor, style, tone and plot are corny as heck. But in classic this movie let’s go out with a song which is also a clue.

Snow White and the Thor Review; I know it’s Huntsmen

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Snow White and the Huntsmen picture image

Snow White and the Huntsmen

It takes a lot for me to stop watching a movie midway through but Snow White and the Huntsmen I stopped watching about forty minutes in the first time I watched it and it was the right decision, I never regretted it. But for you people and this blog I bravely watched the whole thing, and it was act of bravely never known before in this world because this movie is beyond stupid.

Kristen Stewart as Snow White Snow White and the Huntsmen picture image

Kristen Stewart as Snow White

Snow White basic tale, Queen wants a kid that has skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood and hair as black as ebony. Spoiler alert this Snow White has none of that. Queen dies and King gets remarried to an evil woman named Ravenna. Ravenna kills the king on their wedding night and successfully pulls a coup but she breaks the first rule of a coup and leaves the heir to the throne alive because of royal blood, hey lady that is why you should have killed her. And instead of like manipulating the young child through Stockholm syndrome or candy she locks Snow White up. All Hail Ravenna, our Royal Dummy.

Ravenna is a terrible queen as even nature doesn’t like her and she steals youth and beauty from young girls. One fine day her magic gong on the wall, erm I mean mirrior? No, it’s a gong and it tells her that Snow White is now prettier than her because of some bullshit called “Fairest Blood.” This “Fair Blood” is the ONLY thing that can kill Ravenna (oh that name is dumb) but it can save her if she can eats Snow White’s heart. Ravenna sends her brother, Finn to get Show White. Snow White gives Finn the slip and escapes thanks to magical bird and she is shown the way out via sewers which leads to the sea and from there it a jump off the cliff (twilight style) and then she finds a horse. She then goes into the Dark Forest, a place that no has ever gets out a live except when they do. Ravenna enlists the help of a Huntsmen whose name is listed as Eric but because it’s way too tempting and I lack maturity I’m going to call him Thor. Anyway Thor is a drunk widower who has survived the Dark Forest and Ravenna tells Thor she can bring back his dead wife if he brings back Snow White. However Thor sides with Snow White when Finn tells him that Ravenna can’t bring people back from the dead. I should also mention that Snow White lost her horse, Artax-style but it’s in no way as sad as Artax, oh Artax…. I cry every time I think you.

So Thor and Snow White give Finn and pals the slip and run into a fishing village but prior to that Thor gives Snow White a combat lesson that will be important later on because the screenwriter once learn about set-ups and pay-off and doggone-it  he is going to prove that this is a good script with basic screenwriting 101, for the record I never took Screenwriting 101 (Donate to theHunchblog so I can take it and i can be even more snarky to screenwriters who are more successful than me. ) So at the fishing village there are no men because Ravenna took them and the women are all scared because Ravenna won’t take their beauty if they have imperfections, OMFG Movie are you serious? I hate you but I will get back to that later. Anyway Thor tries to leave even though he promised to get Snow White to her pals the Duke and his son. But Finn attacks and Thor and Snow White leave.

They then meet the eight dwarfs and the Blind one recognizes that Snow White has the blood. They then go into a Hayou Miyazaki movie, I’m not shitting you at all and they  learn that magical fairy possessed those birds that helped Snow White and some magical deer lets Snow White touch him which means something like Snow White is like the embodiment of purity or something. This was also set-up with a random monster encounter earlier where Snow White subdues a troll with a stare much like in Twilight.

Anyway Finn attacks and one of the dwarfs die and you by god are supposed to care but you the audience doesn’t because he had like one scene where Snow White dances with him. I think Finn might have died then too.

So they make it to the duke’s place and Snow White reunite with William, the duke’s son who I guess Snow White and him had like a childhood sweetheart type of thing. If I can be honest I like half paying a attention at this point. Ravenna then takes the form of William and poisons Snow White via the apple but opts for Villain mistake number 2 and talks instead of killing or TAKING HER HEART. Thor gives us some monologue about how Snow White reminds him of his dead wife, I guess because they are both dead and then he kisses her and voila that is good enough and Snow White is better. Then it’s a Braveheart style speech. Snow White dons armor and leads and army and she uses the dwarfs to go through the poo to open the gates. She then takes on Ravenna and Snow White sucks but she uses that block move that Thor taught her and she kills Ravenna. Snow White is crowned and love-triangle is never resolved, hoo-fucking-ray.

Charlize Theron as Queen Ravenna Snow White and the Huntsmen picture image

Charlize Theron as Queen Ravenna

Let’s start with SOME positives, Ravenna’s costumes are cool and the CG work isn’t that bad, could be worse. And there is a Florence and the Machine song at the end. It’s sad when a credit song is the best thing about a movie. I also thought that moss covered turtle was cute but it had no place in this movie, so it doesn’t count as a positive.

Charlize Theron as Queen Ravenna & Kristen Stewart as Snow White Snow White and the Huntsmen picture image

Charlize Theron as Queen Ravenna & Kristen Stewart as Snow White

Now here is the real question, where do you start with this movie? I kind of respect what this movie TRIED to do, a new take on Snow White but why do all the new takes on fairy-tales just fail so much? Pretty much everthing about this movie is stupid, expect Ravenna’s wardrobe.

So let’s just start with the elephant in the movie, though an elephant would have help this movie, but no I mean the casting. A lot of people complain that the suspension of disbelief was too much to believe that Kristen Stewart was prettier than Charlize Theron.

In all fairness to Stewart, who is pretty I get that wasn’t the point of the fairest of all thing. It had to with blood and inner beauty because let’s face it, Ravenna was not a nice person. But Snow White doesn’t really exhibit any inner beauty as in she doesn’t do things that exceptionally nice, so as a way out and as mean of not REALLY giving Snow White any characterization, she has special “fairest” blood that is given no explanation to how it works. The movie hints that is has something to do with royal blood but it doesn’t really matter, it’s a movie mechanic that makes Snow White a character without having to do much.

Kristen Stewart as Snow White Snow White and the Huntsmen picture image

Kristen Stewart as Snow White

But there is another problem, the film wants Snow White to be an active player that has leadership skills and is a good fighter. This is Bull-Shit. Snow White literally does nothing for most of the movie but then she takes the vanguard and people just listen to her and her only experiences of the way out and the block are enough to save the day at the end? There is the real suspension of disbelief. Basically the TWO things she learns are enough. But I have another issue, Snow White is static character, she doesn’t really grow or change. I guess The Huntsmen does but after the kiss he is useless to the story and his only change is that he gets nicer towards Snow White, not a big arc. So if the point of this movie is to have a more kick-ass Snow White the movie only succeeds because the script lets her and it’s not the character doing much.

Kristen Stewart as Snow White & Chris Hemsworth as The Huntsmen Snow White and the Huntsmen picture image

Kristen Stewart as Snow White & Chris Hemsworth as The Huntsmen

It’s apparent that the script and the characters all sucks and the Snow White elements are REALLY shoe-horned in but how was the acting? Well there is a range from underacting to OVER acting. Everyone but Charlize Theron underacts to the point of sleep, I mean aside from K-stew’s weak british-ish accent she is sleep-walking. Theron is just crazy. But really they got paid anyway.

Charlize Theron as Queen Ravenna Snow White and the Huntsmen picture image

Charlize Theron as Queen Ravenna

Speaking of Ravenna, I now have to mention her motive and the script’s perception of beauty. I would like to point out that this script was written by a man and while I don’t think men are incapable of writing female characters or having an understanding of beauty this guy does not.

Ravenna’s main motivation is staying forever young because old age sucks. I think the idea is that beauty is power and Ravenna’s self-identify is linked to her beauty, so she consumes youth and beauty. However the movie acts on the belief that beauty is just the surface for Ravenna and when women mare that beauty they are no good to her. But for a movie that promotes beauty as being something that is inner even if it blood, it seems off. I don’t know maybe that was the point but for a woman who sucks the youth out of girl I don’t see why a few scars would be a deterrent. And let’s not forget she was after Snow White’s blood, I mean she kept her alive because of her royal blood and scars keep away from women?

Snow White and the Huntsmen picture image

Kristen Stewart as Snow White

Before I end, I want to just mention SnowWhite’s main costume. First off, it looked ill-fitting for Stewart like it wore her. Second I know the costume designer Colleen Atwood, said something to effect that it was armor-like in that it has metal elements but it would have helped Snow White’s character and given her a sense of development if she was given that article of clothing or found it somewhere along her journey. Like she starts as prisoner wearing like a shift or something that makes her look weak and helpless and then she works up to the metal element and then the full armor to  complete her leadership transformation. It would have given her a character development without really developing her as a character. But no, we  have  believe that Ravenna gave a prisoner nice and rather warm looking clothing.

Also why didn’t Ravenna ever consume Snow White’s youth prior to the events of the movie? I mean when she ate girls’ outer beauty they were still alive just old looking, apparently to the screenwriter old women aren’t beautiful, jerk-off. I mean she could have gotten Snow White’s beauty and then ate her heart when the magic gong told her about movie’s plot. I hate this movie, everyone is a dummy, there isn’t a REAL smart character in this film.

Charlize Theron as Queen Ravenna Snow White and the Huntsmen picture image picture image

Charlize Theron as Queen Ravenna

Snow White & the Huntsman is a chaotic yet tedious mess of movie that wants to offer a kick-ass take charge Snow White but gives her no sense of character or interest. It’s no wonder that this movie’s advertisement went with the Evil queen as the marketable figure, though that is more because of the scandal of Stewart sleeping with the director than the movie but Ravenna is a the more interesting character.

Also how did the director of this movie gets to direct Ghost in the Shell? Gah, that makes me mad!

 

 

Time for Clues;
Clue 1 and Clue 2

La Belle et la Bete 2014 Review; Who Wants a love story when we got Backstory and an Epic Fight Scene!

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La Belle et la Bete 2014 picture image

La Belle et la Bete

I don’t want to blame The Lord of the Rings for ruining fairy-tale movies but I think Lord of the Rings is ruining fairy-tale movies as they now have to be EPIC! Case in point, this movie. The 2014 version of La Belle et la Bete seems to be a remake of the 1946 movie, which I have gone on record as saying I love, however this 2014 French movie is not a remake, it’s a more of a weird re-imagining that seems to be telling a Beauty and the Beast tale but it doesn’t really want to.

Vincent Cassel as the Beast and Léa Seydoux as Belle La Belle et la Bete 2014 picture image

Vincent Cassel as the Beast and Lèa Seydoux as Belle

Before I tell you the plot here is a game to keep in mind, try and pinpoint the exact moment when this story decides it would rather be a totally different movie, it’s not hard.

It starts off pretty much same as the 1946 version except this version is told as a story to children, gee movie I wonder who could be telling this tale and who these kids are, it’s not obvious at all. Belle’s family is being forced to move to the country as they’re poor now. Belle is the youngest child and her mother died giving birth to her. In the country, Belle is enjoying the new life but when her father hears the one of his boats survived the storm that sunk the other two ships. Her father asks what she wants back from his trip and she says a rose.

The father doesn’t get his shipment of goods and is instead  attacked by some thugs who his son owes money to or something (Just get used to these thugs guys, they are the villains). Belle’s father escapes but gets lost and lands in an enchanted domain complete with enchanted castle. In the castle he is given a lots of gifts for his family but  when he takes a rose, the Beast tells him to go home and say good-bye to him family and then to come back to die and if he doesn’t come back the beast will kill the whole family. Belle feels responsible and goes to the beast to die in her father’s place.

The Beast gives her lots of gifts and free roam of the castle which is enchanted with these weird dog-like creatures that are like servants. The Beast tells Belle that her curfew is seven o’clock and he asks if she is in love with him, which she is not.

Belle is then sent weird dreams about a Prince and his wife. The Prince likes to hunt and that makes his wife uneasy. The wife asks the prince to stop hunting deer, a golden deer specifically and he agrees if she gives him an heir. Belle gets more of these dreams throughout the movie.

Belle and the Beast have somewhat an uneasy relationship but Belle tries to get a visit to her family but the Beast doesn’t want to let her go. Belle offers a dance in exchange for a visit, so they dance but the Beast doesn’t give Belle her wish so she bails. The Beast chases after her and pounces on her on some ice and she crashes down through. He brings her back to the castle and heals her with some magic water. When she comes to he agrees to left her visit for family for a day and if she doesn’t return he will die. Before though he gives her some magic water in necklace form.

Belle returns and her brothers and they  see her riches and bargains with the thugs for whatever treasure for the family’s safety. Belle heals her father with the magic water. Belle gets a final dream (she had like two of these prior.) In one dream prior we learn that the Prince’s wife was pregnant. In the final dream the Prince is hunting and finds the golden deer and shots it. The Golden Deer turns out to be his wife who was nymph of the forest. In a rage for killing his daughter the God of the Forest turns him into a beast and you know how this works, only love can break the curse.

We then get a fight with the thugs. Belle races to help and begs the Beast not to kill the lead thug guy but he mortally wounds the Beast with the golden arrow that he killed his wife with (there was a statue that you see a few times). As the Beast is dying, there are like giants that come out and thorns and they like kill all the bad thugs. Belle and her brothers get the Beast to the magical water and presto he’s fine. Belle ends her tales and the kids go to sleep but OMFG, the kids are her and beast’s children this whole time and they live in the house in the country with Belle’s dad, WHA? I’m SO SHOCKED! No, not really.

Léa Seydoux as Belle La Belle et la Bete 2014 picture image

Lèa Seydoux as Belle

Despite my plot summery, which I will admit I don’t have a super grand recollection of this movie, that final confrontation lasts a while and REALLY doesn’t make any sense but a lot about this movie doesn’t make much sense.

Ok, let’s just start with the positives, that is typically a good place to start usually, in most cases.

The movie on a whole looked good. The costumes are the de-facto high point. They are pretty and somewhat imaginative. I like her red coral and her white gowns the best. The setting was pretty. They made the castle overrun with flowers which made it more enchanting. However the CGS, oh god the CGIs were awful. Sorry, I know I was going with positives and I go right to a bad point but you have to understand they were bad. The Beast looked really bad.

I guess another good point was the acting, it didn’t suck that much. I mean it could have been bad though the character had little personality so there wasn’t that much to ask for so it’s a moot point.

Vincent Cassel as the Beast and Léa Seydoux as Belle La Belle et la Bete 2014 picture image

Vincent Cassel as the Beast and Lèa Seydoux as Belle

So now we come to it, the movie and the story. Apparently this movie actually had good reviews that said it kept ” the original spirit of the story.” No, no it didn’t. This movie was like watching a director trying to mimic Peter Jackson and Tim Burton making a Beauty and the Beast movie sans the point of the story. Even the score sounded like a Danny Elfman knock-off which wasn’t that bad but it was super apparent.

Vincent Cassel as the Beast and Léa Seydoux as Belle La Belle et la Bete 2014 picture image

Vincent Cassel as the Beast and Lèa Seydoux as Belle

This movie’s main issue is that it wants to be BIG and EPIC, there is an epic fight with giants and magic and it wants to have a interesting backstory for the Beast and you know what, that is fine, that’s a great idea BUT that epicness come at the expense of BEAUTY AND THE GODAMN BEAST! I do not buy for one instant that these two fell in love. I don’t see it. There isn’t one scene that indicates a love story. There was a scene where they were marginally nice to each other but is that love? Apparently is it because next time they see each other they are in love and voila spell is broken.

I’ll get more to the spell in a second because I have problems with that as well as the backstory. But because this movie wanted to have like a mysterious backstory it takes away interactions with the the two leads and as a result I have no clue for the characters. They didn’t develop or fall in love with each other and that is the spirit of the original story, love and it’s not even remotely present in this movie.

Vincent Cassel as the Beast in Human form La Belle et la Bete 2014 picture image

Vincent Cassel as the Beast in Human form

So because this movie made a decision to have an intricate backstory, how is it? Well It’s like we’re in a whole different movie and it kind begs the question why bother?

Maybe I’m wrong but I thought the POINT of the Beast is that because he was beast he lacked the capacity to relate to people on an intimate level BUT here he was MARRIED? Am I supposed to believe that he didn’t know how to deal with a woman?

So unlike other Beasts that are either jerks or walking a thin line between animal and humanity, this beast is a jerk to Belle because he killed his wife accidentally? You know he wasn’t acting like he did, In fact with the whole backstory I thought that the beast was the Prince’s son the whole time because the Beast was acting like an immature brat the whole movie and not like a suave guy who is mourning his beloved wife. I mean the twist was good but MY GOODNESS it was stupid. And why would the Forest God turn him into a Beast to find love when it was in payment for killing his daughter? That makes zero sense as a revenge punishment. Why give him an out that leads to happiness? At least other spells were trying to teach him a lesson, I don’t see the point of this one at all.

And why did the God turn him into a Beast and then seem to help him in fight at the end? Why? It didn’t make sense, was it because of the nymph’s love? I know she was the one sending Belle the dreams but why? See doesn’t see like the backstory and the fight belong in a different movie!

Vincent Cassel as the Beast and Léa Seydoux as Belle La Belle et la Bete 2014 picture image

Vincent Cassel as the Beast and Lèa Seydoux as Belle

I will give 2014 La Belle et la Bete a little credit, it gave the story atmosphere and pretty costumes but what it gave it more than lacked; it lacked sense, characters, and the romance of beauty and the beast.

Time for Clues;
Clue 1 & Clue 2

Thoughts from 2022 – Wow was I mean in this review. I mean, yeah, the CGI were not that great and there was a muddling in the backstory but it wasn’t as bad I recalled or this review made it seem.

I was watching it because I working more costume pages on Hubpages, and the costumes in this movie are gorgeous and a rewatch was in order. Rewatching this movie I think I developed a theory as to why the romance was sparse but also why it was epic, magical and lyrical. It goes back to the framing device, a children story, perhaps Belle embellished the tale to make her meeting her husband into more of a fairy take for her children. The doll that the tadums (the dogs) gave her pointed that this story being true but maybe she just added it story for the children’s benefit. Or maybe not but the whole narrative as children story makes the films decisions feel more intentional AND having a child like sensibility is asked of the viewer at the start of the 1946 version so it’s not too much of a stretch. Anyway it’s not a bad movie, it’s fine.

Enchanted Review: Shame on you if you missed all the Disney in-jokes

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Enchanted picture image

Enchanted

The first time I ever saw the 2007 movie Enchanted, I was on a plane going from Quebec City to Montreal. I’m not sure why they offered in-flight entertainment for a thirty minute flight but I watched like ten or so minutes and I enjoyed it enough to rent it when I got home, ahh the days of rental places. Enchanted is an entertaining enough movie yes but does its message of real life vs fantasy get muddle in Disney-ideals and its own tropes? Let’s find out but the answer is yes.

Amy Adams as Giselle with Patrick Dempsey as Robert Enchanted picture image

Amy Adams as Giselle with Patrick Dempsey as Robert

Fair Maiden Giselle, one day meets Prince Edward and they promptly decide to get married the next day, why rush a good thing, right? However Edward’s stepmother Queen Narissa doesn’t want Edward to get married as it would diminish her power so on the wedding dat Narissa pushes Giselle down a fountian waterfall spring thing to a place where happy ever after don’t exist, Manhattan, and not like third world country no, fucking Time Square is where happy ever after don’t exist, like that’s the joke?

Anyway Giselle has a rude awaking but meets Robert and Morgan, father and daughter. Robert doesn’t want Morgan to idealize Princesses and Morgan does. Robert feels this way because Morgan’s mom left for reason. They take Giselle back to their apartment which causes a little fiction with Robert’s girlfriend Nancy. Giselle uses her fairy-Princess super powers to help people with love but Robert teaches Giselle about dating and forming attachments through getting to know a person.

While that is happing Narissa’s henchman, Nathaniel is trying to kill Giselle by poison apple method, Giselle’s chipmunk pal, Pip is trying to help Giselle not to die and Edward is searching for Giselle. Then when Nathaniel fails and Edward finds Giselle, Narissa comes into the fray as she had been previously communicating with Nathaniel through water.

So they all go to a ball where Giselle dons a modern gown. Giselle and Robert dance but then Narissa has Giselle eat a poison apple, Edward’s kiss fails to break the spell but Robert’s does and Nancy and Edward are okay with that. Narissa however turns into a dragon to kill everyone and drags Robert and Giselle up to the roof where Giselle slays her pretty darn easily. So Nancy and Edward go back to the fairy-tale world and get married, Nathaniel and Pip write tell-all-books and Giselle starts a fashion-line because she was good at sewing and I guess her and Robert get married maybe and she become a nice stepmother. Subversive!

Okay before I get into this movie I HAVE to say, with a Queen Stepmother trying to gain control by killing her step-son’s love (who happens to be dealing with a world that is not her own) to maintain her power and she uses water magic, this reminds of a a manga I like, it was almost distracting.

Amy Adams as Giselle Enchanted picture image

Amy Adams as Giselle

Enchanted does some nice things with subverting the Disney tropes however it undermines itself too. First off, yes, Giselle doesn’t just marry her “true love” she gets to know him and the true love thing is grown and somewhat cultivated in a way. Giselle is given more self-awareness however I doubt that Giselle would ever have a problem with Edward as the fairy-tale world or Andalasia as in it’s very existent is being ignorant of problems unless you’re a bad guy. So Giselle is the positive but as other side of that coin is Nancy.

Nancy Tremaine (voice by Idina Menzel) and Prince Edward (voiced by James Marsden) getting married in Andalasia Enchanted picture image

Nancy Tremaine (voice by Idina Menzel) and Prince Edward (voiced by James Marsden) getting married in Andalasia

Nancy just throws a whole wretch into what the movie was trying to say, life isn’t like a fairy-tale except if you drop everything in your life and run off with a guy you haven’t know for a day and marry him. Seriously, Nancy and Edward get married at the end? Why? Because the screenwriters wanted them to have a happy ending after being dumped? Are we REALLY to believe a woman, who seems like she has a pretty good life would run off with some guy she JUST met and exchange maybe like handful of sentence? Sure, we didn’t REALLY get to know Nancy all that well but she didn’t seem the type who would abandon everything for some guy who spoke somewhat romantically and she REALLY didn’t seem too broken up about Robert leaving her away.

The screenwriters kinda wrote themselves into a corner because either Nancy had to be the fairy-tale princess and leave her world behind or Edward would have needed to stay in New York City which means, Edward would have needed an arc which he did not get. If the movie wasn’t so entertaining this would be a bigger issue since the movie wanted to parody this kind of thing and work against it but it’s ok for side characters to marry people they don’t know, just not the main characters.

Amy Adams as Giselle with James Marsden as Prince Edward and with Patrick Dempsey as Robert and Rachel Covey as Morgan Enchanted picture image

Amy Adams as Giselle with James Marsden as Prince Edward and with Patrick Dempsey as Robert and Rachel Covey as Morgan

Aside form that the movie is really well done. The acting is really good and everyone seems like they are having fun with their roles. I do think Susan Sarandon as Narissa is miscast but she is not that bad. I really enjoy James Marsden as Edward but I’m an unabashed 30 Rock fan so anything that reminds me of that is a-ok. And Amy Adams lives the role of Giselle, she was pretty perfect.

Amy Adams as Giselle performing That's How you Know Enchanted picture image

Amy Adams as Giselle performing That’s How you Know

The technicals in this movie were fun too. The animation is fluid and clean and it wasn’t done by Disney how is that for the ultimate irony. The live-action parts are nicely shot and have a fun and playfulness.

I have to love the costumes except for one, the one that disappointed me down to my very soul, that Tahari gown Giselle wore at the ball. I don’t know why films do this, but if there is a costume ball the main characters will ignore it and wear a regular dress. They did it in the 2004 Phantom of Opera and I will NEVER forgive them. I mean the dress is pretty, it is just number one, it’s too simple for the venue, if they had a more Oscar style evening gown, something with a wow-factor I could see it. And number two this dress is like going from zero to 360 for Giselle. I guess the point of Giselle’s costumes is that they get more modern the longer she is in the real work but come on movie, that Tahari gown was in no way the next step for her fashion evolution. I say no. Otherwise the costumes were great.

The musical numbers are a lot of fun. The big number, “That’s how you know” is bright and colorful and big. It reminds me of the pretty women number in Kal ho naa ho which is fun number.

I think the only number that wasn’t that great was the Ballroom dance, though maybe I just don’t like that scene, that darn dress and the final fight meh. Also why didn’t Narissa get a a villain songs, seriously we get three freaking songs about love and romance but no Villain songs. (is it just me or did Giselle understand dating more than Robert with all the things she listed in That’s How you know?)

Susan Sarandon as Queen Narissa Enchanted picture image

Susan Sarandon as Queen Narissa

Okay, speaking of Narissa, what was her plan and how did the whole power thing work? First off, problem one, her motivation was to keep the prince single so she could remain queen? So why didn’t she just kill the prince instead of going after his bride? It’s just a stall. Then her motivation changes to just being evil because even though at that point it was established that Giselle wasn’t into Edward, so why did she bother and she was one weak fucking dragon. I would THINK it would take more than a sword wound to prevent her from flying and I dunno, burning people? I think they were referencing Sleeping Beauty but they fairies gave the prince buffs to his sword or whatever.

Second, how does succession work in Andalasia? Does the Queen maintain her power after the king is dead? But then why is Edward a prince and Narissa a queen? Shouldn’t Edward be King? Do you have to be married in Andalasia to get a King/Queen title? Is Edward’s father still alive? Why don’t Disney villain ever just try to manipulate the royals instead of being the ruler? Like Narissa could have wrapped Giselle around her figure and been a shadow ruler. What kind of power did Narissa hold anyway? Did she share it with Edward? Or what she acting regent till he married? Then why didn’t she kill him and pull a coup? How does is work??? It’s not important to the story but it’s the villain’s motivation, I dunno maybe a song could have cleared it up, or she could have been a better evil villain to make me forget this kind of stuff, she is as menacing as tin foil. Also her costume looked more sci-fi than fantasy, more leading a legion of spiders than queen of place called Andalasia.

Amy Adams as Giselle with Pip Enchanted picture image

Amy Adams as Giselle with Pip

Despite its flaws, and boy does it have them, Enchanted is a fun and entertaining movie that does a nice job of parodying and paying homage to Disney tropes all while totally buying into them.

Time for Clues, Clue 1 & Clue 2

One of those clues makes me laugh, try and guess which one and the next movie.