Enchanted Tales: The shittest Moral Ever

by
Melody with Handsome Quasimodo Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody with “Handsome” Quasimodo

I briefly touched on the moral of the Enchanted Tales version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame when I looked at the plot of this poo-feast, you can read that post HERE, but the moral of this movie is so bad that it demands its own post.

Ok, the moral of this is “Looks don’t matter if people see you as pretty.” I’m not kidding, this the exchange between Melody and Quasimodo, this is the actual dialogue, this happened,

Melody: Are you alright? Oh, you look so handsome. You have beautiful eyes.
Quasimodo: Is that how you see me?
Melody: It is how you are.
Quaismoodo: Perhaps if you see me as handsome, than perhaps I am.
Melody: Mhmm.
Quasimodo: Just perhaps, my looks really don’t matter anymore.
Melody: They don’t matter.

Basically the moral, as this movie spells it out, is looks don’t matter if you’re considered pretty. That is so awful. You have to be pre-approval by an outside gaze to have a sense of self-worth and confidence. Because Quasimodo only told off Jean-Claude, his little brother, when he was handsome. Oh, I hates this movie.

Now this moral shouldn’t be the stuff of children videos since people have to deal with this in their everyday lives. Kind of depressing, if you think about.

Melody and a handome Quasimodo Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody and a “handome” Quasimodo

However, I get what they were trying to do, really. What Enchanted Tales was trying to do is show that inner beauty makes one beautiful. It’s through Quasimodo’s inner strength that transforms him into a handsome guy, you know like the story they were really trying to tell cough*Beauty and the Beast*cough. However, this moral fails to be communicate  because of the lazy sloppy writing. That inner beauty thing doesn’t register at all.

Quasimodo pretty much says, My looks don’t matter if you think I’m pretty. I really can’t believe someone approved that during the writing process.

Handsome Quasimodo Enchanted tales The Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Handsome Quasimodo a.k.a Wholemodo?

 

This moral is the stuff of satires, of parodies, of jokes not for a children’s movie. WORST MORAL EVER. Really, if were any worse it probably would be better.

At this point, if it wasn’t for the company who produced it,  I would think this movie was a satire of the Hunchback, or at the very least of children movies in general, because that is the only way I can rationalize how this ass of version got made in the first place.

Pretty Quasimodo, gags

Next Time – Conclusion – I’m done!

One Confused Dingbat Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

One Confused Dingbat

 

 

 

 

 

 

Project Re-Read! Book 7 Chapters 4-6

by

Book 7, Chapter 4, Anakh

This chapter is a little important, as the word Anakh inscribed on a wall of Notre Dame is said to have inspired Frollo and the rest of book from there. The added word of impurity beneath was probably an add in.

Basically this chapter is Jehan wants money from Frollo. Frollo gives him some money and makes him hide in a stove while Frollo has a guest.

It’s kinda of silly little chapter as interactions with Jehan are mostly always humorous. This chapter also gave us the song Val de Amour from Notre Dame de Paris as that fine establishment is mention here. I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s the only time it’s mention but I not sure.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUQrt2i3mbQ
to spice up the post.

 

Book 7, Chapter 5, The Two Men Dressed in Black

In this chapter, while Jehan hides in the stove Frollo has his guest, Master Jacques, the King’s attorney. Jacques tells Frollo that  court is ready to arrest Esmeralda but Frollo tells him to wait till his approval.

It’s then that Frollo sees a fly caught in a spider web. Frollo likens the fly to both him and Esmeralda. That they both were in search of the sun, though with Esmeralda the metaphor is more literal as she loves the sun and freedom whereas with Frollo it’s more metaphoric as sun is learning and eternal truth. He is also the spider too. Both the spider and fly are caught in the wed of fate and Frollo really likes this metaphor for him and Esmeralda.

I wished film versions would use this scene as it would be cool to see, but to my knowledge not a single version has done this scene.  Then again, only two versions use the Anakh scene and  that inspired the book.

 

Book 7, Chapter 6, The Effect Produced by Seven Oaths in the Public Square

This is a set-up chapter! This chapter tells us and Frollo, that Phoebus has a hot date with Esmeralda that very night. Not much happens here but you got to love that Jehan messes up her name as Smeralda. Though Phoebus called her Similar in a later chapter is sillier.

A Rant on the lack of Information on the Brolin version

by
Josh Brolin Interview for Men in Black picture image

Josh Brolin Interview for Men in Black

A little over a year ago, like in early August of 2013, we were given the last bit of information regarding the Josh Brolin version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Quasimodo. Which was that Hero director, Yimou Zhang was going to direct.

In 2012, we were told by Brolin, that the movie was going to be “jazzy,” as in fun.

And in 2011,  the movie was announced with Brolin starring as Quasimodo.

In three years, we know a mere three things about this movie and there doesn’t seem to be any new public developments on the horizon, at least at the time I’m posting this.

It drives me crazy, to tease the public especially when the information presented seems to a be clutter fuck of genres to a story that is considered a literally classic. I mean we have Brolin who is like a dramatic actor mixed with what seems to be a Jazzy action-adventure, with a director known for dramatic actions movies.

I mean is this even going to happen? Was Brolin announcing the project an attempt to drum up public interest? Or is this in development hell? Since Brolin announced this in 2011 he has worked on ten other movies, two are in post-production, one is filming and one is in pre-production.  Zhang has worked on one since his involvement was annouced in 2013.

I just find it so irritating, three years and he have one actor, a director and a jazzy script (never letting that go, ever). That 2007 Hunchback movie, that I wrote about a few weeks ago (read here), that one didn’t even happen and they at least had a full cast.

You know what Fuck it! I don’t think this movie going to happen. Brolin can prove me wrong but I’m tired of hoping for new information. Watch the next bit of information be from Brolin while promoting another movie saying it’s “edgy.”    I guess another actor can come along and  play Quasimodo, because Quasimodo is sweet, sweet Oscar bait.

Enchanted Tales Pacing – It Lengthens Time Out to Infinity

by
Melody in pain Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody in pain, probably from the bad pacing of the movie she is trapped in forevermore

For a movie that is only 40 minutes in length, The Enchanted Tales Version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame feels so much longer. Is it because the animation, the characters, the songs, or the dialogue makes it feel 10X longer, well yeah all those this add up but the pacing of this is really bad in genreal. So bad, that it amps up all those factors to hand-banging affect on the viewer, that makes them beg for death before the 15 minute mark. And yet death will not come.

One Confused Dingbat Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

One Confused Dingbat

The first aspects the kill the pacing are the songs. You know how song, sometimes, in better movies, have a build-up and the can either progress the plot of tells us something about the characters, not here, not in the Enchanted tales version. Here, they say, No. It could have been a bold and artistic move but all the songs really do is pad-out the running-time.

Melody sings Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody sings

The songs add about 10 minutes, they make up a 4th of this movie and yet they add nothing. The longest song, at about 3 minutes, is the last one that “Life will Arrive.” This song serve no purpose and if cut we would have lost nothing. It really just stops the story and towards the end of it no less.

Melody and Quasimodo Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody and Quasimodo

The shortest song is “The Bells All Ring, which does advance Melody and Quasimodo’s relationship. How fucking stupid is that, the one song that sort of progresses the story is shortest and the longest halts the story. The other too also just stall the movie.

Circle dance animation Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Circle dance animation

The animation also stalls things. When something repeats that much animation so unapologetically, you feel that time is being repeated over and over and over again, till a minute feels like ten minutes.

Jean-Claude Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame

Jean-Claude

The pacing in The Enchanted Tales Version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame is so uneven, silted and just makes for an unpleasant viewing experience. This version is not fun, it’s clutter-fuck that drags on to forever and beyond.

Next Time – The very worst thing about this Version, The fucking moral

Melody and a handome Quasimodo Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody and a “handome” Quasimodo

 

 

 

 

 

 

Project Re-Read! Book 7 Chapters 1-3

by

Book 7, Chapter 1, On the Danger of Confiding a Secret to a Goat

In this chapter we get a better look at Phoebus as a character and his attitude towards his fiancee, Fleur-de-Lys. Phoebus likes the crude world far too much to feel at ease with Fleur-de-Lys, so he is cold to her and she is sensitive to his aloofness.

THe scene shift as the crowd of women sees Esmeralda and Djali in the square below and ask her to come up. Esmeralda does and at once is berated because she is prettier than them, so they insult her dress and such.

We also find out the Esmeralda never intended to show off Djali spelling Phoebus‘ name, as it was her secret. This is different than how the 1956 and the jetlag verions present it, where she preforms the trick for the crowd. It doesn’t much matter because the important part is it makes Phoebus make his move on Esmeralda which sets up the tragic turn in the story.

Book 7, Chapter 2, Showing that a Priest and a Philosopher are two very different Persons

I have to love this chapter, it’s just banter between Frollo and Gringoire and it’s sort of silly. The juxtaposition of Frollo’s stern obsession that he is trying to conceal mixed with Gringoire’s odd combination of blasé and pathos for his circumstances. I do their exchanged about how Gringoire wouldn’t think of touching his wife.

Book 7, Chapter 3, The Bells

Huh, there was a bell named Guillaume after-all. I’m sorry 1939 version for saying you added it. (You can read that post HERE) Though, Guillame still maybe for when Quasimodo is feeling a little bi-curious.

Anyway, this chapter tells of that for the last two months Quasimodo hasn’t been into his bells. The book doesn’t make it clear if it’s because of the pillory or a new love. He start ringing them again but the he looks to the square and sees Esmeralda.

Quasimodo watching her was also seen the previous chapter as well as the ringing of the bells in the before that.

I suppose as chapter go, it’s ok, it defiantly a nice turing point for Quasimodo, to love outside Notre Dame.

Enchanted Tales Animation- So Bad that makes you Stupid

by
Melody sings Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody sings

We have seen a lot of bad animation here on theHunchBlog. From the Disney sequel, to Jetlag, to even that episode of Madeline, we have seen some real examples of clunky, amateur animation but as far as awful, crapped-filled, poo animation goes, the Enchanted Tales Version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame takes the cake.

disappearing hinge Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Disappearing hinge, it also repeated twice

The animation is so bad but what makes it bad? I will tell you one thing, re-watching this while trying to pay extra close attention to the animation made my brain literally melt out of my eyes and ears. My still being alive is no doubt some sort a cruel miracle.

Melody dancing with the annoying is repeated at the beginning and end Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody dancing with the annoying is repeated at the beginning and end

Well the least offensive thing is the repeating animation. Repeating animation in it of itself isn’t the problem, many movies repeat animation, it’s money saving. The problem is the frequency and how blatant the repetitions are and this pile-of shit repeats animation like nobodies business.

Circle dance animation Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Circle dance animation

Those kids doing the circle dance is repeated back and forth, back and forth a total of 3 times in the first minute alone. Oh, it gets repeated more but 3 times in the first minute that is just insane and it wasn’t that great of animation to start, it’s just random people with their backs to camera kicking in a dance circle.

The background is being repeated endlessly Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

The background is being repeated endlessly

They also steamboat willy a lot.

Pierre is on and off the horse Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image picture image

Pierre is on and off the horse

At roughly the 5:10 mark, Pierre and Frollo are on horses trying to find Melody and they repeat animation from earlier of Pierre and Frollo saying “no” to each other. Problem is Pierre is clearly on the ground and not on the horse during the repeating animation. Such pain!

Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

is it day or night?

As if that was bad, the movie start off with huge night/day confusion. Frollo and Pierre at talking and it’s supposed to be night out I think because Frollo says “after dark” but it’s daylight in the scene. Then it’s night as Melody dances but at one point the scene shifts to the accursed Dingbats and it fucking daytime and then night again. Hey movie, ever hear the word, consistently? No? Didn’t think so. Argh this movie

Why are they made, the dialogue doesn't match Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Why are they mad, the dialogue doesn’t match

And then there is the lips sync. At point you kind of have to wonder, was this dubbed? Because it looks like it could have been. As at some points the animation doesn’t match the audio. Like for example the accordion is shown getting huffy but nothing is the dilouge would suggest reasons.

Melody's mouth is gone, This has not been altered, this native in the movie Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody’s mouth is gone, This has not been altered, this native in the movie

Even if the lip sync was originally for english Melody’s mouth disappearing for a frame is inexcusable because you might not have seen it but your brain did.

Melody's mouth looks weird here because it's moving oddly Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody’s mouth looks weird here because it’s moving oddly

Their mouths also jerk around like crazy here.

Random Mice Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Random Mice

Aside from just the overall crappiness of the execution with its repetitions and still frames and bad lip sync, the animation on the whole of the Enchanted Tales version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame is down right insulting. It’s just down-right dumb looking and it make you dumber just looking at it. F-, 1/4 a star rating, 100 thumbs down.

Next Time – The Pacing, it also sucks!

Jean-Claude capturing Melody Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude capturing Melody

 

 

 

 

 

 

Project Re-Read! Book 6 Chapters 5 & 6

by

Book 6 Chapter 5, A Tear for a Drop of Water

Arguably this is one of the most important chapters in the novel. This is where Quasimodo is whipped for Frollo’s crime as well as Quasimodo own affiliation of being deaf and having a deaf judge. After he is whipped to the delight of the crowd, he is the exposed for more humiliation. The crowd is without pity as he begs for water. Esmeralda at the end gives him pity and water. This. chapter starts Quasimodo’s love for Esmeralda. As of this point Quasimodo has only loved Frollo and Frollo failed to give him compassion at this moment.

It is important to note that as Esmeralda is approaching him, he wished that he could blast her to dust. It’s not because she was pretty as some movie would have it, Quasimodo only loves Esmeralda because of water and the kindness.

It is even implied that because of Esmeralda’s kindness, Quasimodo’s soul awakens from dormancy as indicated by the tear he sheds.

This scene is pretty much in every movie is someway. The Disney version had Esmeralda cleaning Quasimodo from the food that was thrown at him and freeing him from the pillory. This chapter inspired one of the most beloved songs from a musical, Belle. Even Secret of the Hunchback has this chapter played out, Enchanted Tales did not.

Book 6 Chapter 6, End of the Story of the Cake

Very little happens in this chapter. After Esmeralda is done giving Quasimodo water, Sister Gudule yells and scares her. Then the son of one the women from The story of the Wheaton cake, eats the cake.

It’s short. I will give it that but it does ends Book 6 off well as the kid really did want that cake before and against his mother’s wishes he got what he wanted. Dare I say, little Eustsche got a little character arc.

Enchanted Tales Song Number 4; When your sad and lonely repeat animation

by
Melody Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody

The last song of the Enchanted Tales Version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame is weird and stupid.

Random People Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Random People

This song comes out no where and adds nothing to the story. It comes right after the crappy moral about pretty people don’t have to worry about looks and after the song the characters don’t register the song at all. This song is just filler to meet the company’s four song quota. The sad part this song is the most energetic and musically interesting.

Paganini a.k.a Melody's enchanted annoying violin Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Paganini a.k.a Melody’s enchanted annoying violin

I can’t really make out the lyrics of the what they are singing but it’s some like “Life will Life will alive” or something. The song is about positivity and stuff. It doesn’t really work with what is happening in the narrative, I mean why should Quasimodo or Melody be bummed now, they’re pretty. (Edit- Thanks to Hulu, they are actually saying “Life will arrive.”)

Sun and Clouds Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Sun and Clouds

Aside from the lyrics being unquestionably stupid, the visual are super stupid. Most of the visuals are just repeat animation from the first song and when they have no animation like people dancing or clouds they repeat it too. Really this song is better when you just listen it.

Random People Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Random People

Really the best part of this song is the musical orchestration. Not kidding it’s pretty ok. It has a fun Spanish vibe. This just has a stronger enegry than they rest and it a shame it was wasted and a filler song that didn’t add anything or was even acknowledge by the story of the character.

Melody sings Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody sings

With this song we have a good music and the rest is stupid.

Next Time – The Animation (gag)

Melody's mouth is gone, This has not been altered, this native in the movie Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody’s mouth is gone, This has not been altered, this native in the movie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Project Re-Read! Book 6 Chapters 2 & 3

by

Book 6 Chapter 2, The Rat-Hole
Got love how this chapter starts out with interrupting or rather tell of of a switch in focus from Gringoire to Esmeralda. For the past 90 odd page it been off of Gringoire book why apologize now? This chapter gives us the back story of the Rat-Hole.  That is pretty much it, admit it, skimmed this chapter.

 

Book 6 Chapter 3, The Story of a Wheaton Cake
In this chapter we learn the backstory of Sister Gudule the recluse in the Rat-Hole. Gudule was once a prostitute who lost her beloved child when she was kidnapped by Gypsies. In this chapter who also get a little more on the origins of Quasimodo as he was switch with Gudule’s child.  This chapter is interesting since it done in two parts,  the story of Chantafleurie and then learning that Sister Gudule is Chantafleurie. Depsite being a long chapter (since I got back for a visit to a friend’s house my attention has been crap) it was an enjoyable chapter that further lays the groundwork for more fun tragedy later.

 

Enchanted Tales Song Number 3; When you’re hot water you get 3 degree burns

by
Melody in her clutter cell Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody in her clutter cell

At last we come to the third song in the Enchanted Tales Version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame and this one I consider the worst of the lot. Let just call this one “When the Magic in your Heart” or Melody’s Jailhouse uptempo easy listening shit.

Melody with dancing things and a cute cat Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody with dancing things and a cute cat

This song is about being positive even when things look bad. The context for this song is Melody is in jail and sentenced to die the next day. The idea she would be positive and dancing around like a dummy just shows you have utterly vapid this movie is or she moved to the acceptance stage of death really quickly or she is just dumb. I think she’s just dumb.

Melody with her open jail window Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody with her open jail window

The visuals are just confusion and insulting. Melody has shown that she can create life, like an overpower sith lord. So in this song she is shown giving inanimate objects a life force, just want to interject there is a lot of clutter in this jail cell. Melody makes bricks, iron bars, a broom and various other things dance around. However it is made clear at the end of the song that the dancing objects were just her imagination. Does this mean that instrumentals are imaginary? No because they interact with other people or is this whole movie a fevered dream of some insane person? You see in not explaining Melody’s powers made me ask the first time I was subjected to this movie why she didn’t just escape out the window since the bars were prancing around. Hate!

Melody loves dancing hay Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody loves dancing hay

It not just the visuals that are awful the music and lyrics are abysmal, they make me want to cut my ears off. I have no critic on either points, they are that bad. Hate this.

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death

The long and short of it is, I hate this song. Nothing is good about it. It a terrible song with crappy writing and shitty confusing visuals. Prolonged exposure to this song can cause f the pituitary gland to shut down, do not watch it.

Next Time Stupid Song #4

Melody sings Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody sings