The Hunchback of Notre Dame is a story that has inspires some other great work of cinema. Some movie makers opt to take this story and adaption from its original novel and transform it into a movie, it’s boring path, anyone can adapt a book to a movie. Some other people however take this story use its core essence make a movie. Most of the movies however aren’t worth the resources they wasted, they mock the glory of the Hunchback tale but there is one movie. There is one movie that takes the story of Hunchback and makes it shine through the celluloid, a movie that truly understand, a genius movie.

It’s a story about a group of people whose way of life is being threaten and they much work together to brave the storm and silence those who would judge them. The heart of this movie lies in the relationship of a ugly social recluse who wants both to be loved and to earn the respect of a beautiful young lady who is being lusted after by a shady guy.

What glorious movie is this? Can you guess? Or Click here to reveal this masterpiece’s identify.

Happily N'Ever After  picture image

Happily N’Ever After

I would like a moment of silence for all the films that never were and never will be because this movie exists. How many GOOD were passed over for this? Who sold their soul to get this green-light? Or is this movie the result of pure aged-old Hollywood nepotism? Or was it solely as cheap Shrek cash in? What method was it movie is it because it wasn’t made for its compelling plot, charming characters or it’s sense of style?

Well the Subject line gives it away but it’s the 2006 fuck-feast Happily N’Ever After. It was made by Vanguard Animation and released by Lions Gate Film. It was pretty much panned on its released and has a 4% on Rotten Tomatoes, but is as bad as all that? Let’s just say I was a lot less happy after this shit ended, though I like when it end.

Ella and Step-Mother Frieda Happily N'Ever After  picture image

Ella and Step-Mother Frieda

In Fairy-tale land, lame name, there is a wizard who keeps fairy-tales in balance and he has two assistants, who are a Timon and Pumba knock-off meets Sorcerers Apprentice. The Wizard the goes on Vacation. While that is happening Cinderella a.k.a Ella, is getting ready for the ball. There is also a dude-bro named Rick, who is the prince’s only servant  and he likes Ella. So they go to the big stupid ball and the step-mother over hears the two assistants talking and she takes over and tips the scales so Ella’s dress vanishes and the Prince leaves to go off to find her.

The rest of the movie is Ella trying to find the Prince while fighting off fairy-tale baddies. She then defeats the Step mother and picks Rick-the-dick in the end.

Munk and Mambo Happily N'Ever After  picture image

Munk and Mambo

So what is wrong with this movie? Well to put it very concisely, Everything! First the story. It been done before or if not it just felt stale when it thought it was being new. To the film’s some-what credit there was something interesting about fighting fate but the movie was more concerned about making lame jokes than having a pulse, so that anything of substance was an after-thought.

The Prince Happily N'Ever After  picture image

The Prince

The characters are also annoying. The hero, Rick is the biggest whiner. There was nothing remotely likable about him. The prince, while as a massive twit, as was his point, but he was marging more likable in his idiocy. The step-mother was a boring villain, whose motivation was just because. The Timon and Pumba knock-offs, whose names are Mambo and Munk are well Andy Dick and Wallace Shawn, take that for what you want. Some of the other side characters are okay like Rumpelstiltskin and the Dwarves. I really only mildly chucked twice in this movie’s run time, TWICE!

Ella Happily N'Ever After  picture image

Ella

Then there is Ella, the princess character of this waste of celluloid. Her design is really bad. I don’t know who they were referencing but she was not pretty. Half the time she just looked sleepy. Also who idea was it to put her in such a short skirt. It was jarring. Well her looks aren’t great but how is her personality? I’m not sure. They movie claims she is girly and optimistic. Ok, yeah she kind of acts that way but if that isn’t a cliche Princess personality I don’t know what is it. She was boring and that is the long and short of her character.

Ella and Rick Happily N'Ever After  picture image

Ella and Rick

So the characters, story and the dialogue are all garbage but people can forgive that if the movie looks good, so how are the visuals? If you said they suck you’re right, I mean there are pictures in the post after all.

Every character in this look cold, plastic and artificial. There is just nothing interest in the visuals. Also the movement of the characters is not fluid at all, it very stilted and awkward. half the time it looked like bad stop-motion animation but you know if the movie had been stop-motion at least it would have been more interesting because there is nothing that interesting about 3d animation anymore, it’s just cheaper. I suppose that was the stylisitic intention of Happily N’Ever After, Cheap, like a two dollar hooker.

Ella, Munk and Mambo Happily N'Ever After  picture image

Ella, Munk and Mambo

 

Happily N’Ever After is as enjoyable as constipation. A good punch in the face is preferable. And how dare you use the Monster Mash, that song is sacred, Sacred I say!

And just to add to the insult of this movie, it got a sequel, which I’m not watching, though Snow White got a better design that Cinderella.

Joseph: King of Dreams picture image

Joseph: King of Dreams

Joseph: King of Dreams is 2000 DreamWorks movie that have the distinction of being the first and only direct-to-video release from DreamWorks Animation. It was meant as a companion piece to the Prince of Egypt. As direct to video movie the quality was much lower but just because the songs and animation are not as good as theatrical release it doesn’t mean the movie can’t be good, I mean it seemed like the crew working on it tried but is it good? Not really.

Joseph and his brothers Joseph: King of Dreams picture image

Joseph and his brothers

The story is Joseph is a miracle baby as he was born from a baron lady. His father treats him special which makes his half-brothers all butt-hurt. Joseph then starts getting prophetic dreams, one about the ram getting killed and another that says he will be elated above his brothers. His big brothers don’t like that dream one little bit and sell him as slave which is proper reaction to their problem.

Joseph is brought to Egypt where he works as slave in the some dignitary’s house. He does well and meets the niece of his master, Asenath. He gets arrested when he doesn’t let his master’s wife have her way with him and he gets accused of trying to rape the wife.

In jail Joseph interprets the dreams of two prisoners, one’s dreams say he will be released and the other tells him that he will be executed. While Joseph is in prison, Asenath sneaks him food. Joseph while mad that god seems have turned away from him tries to remain positive.

After a while, the Pharaoh summons Joseph to him as Pharaoh has been having a dream that his priests can’t interpret. Joseph tells him that Egypt will enjoy prosperity but then a famine will come that could destroy Egypt. Joseph tells him that they should conserve grain while there is plenty and during the famine they will ration it back to the people. Joseph is the made a minster and given the name Zaphnath-Paaneah. Joseph’s plan works and he marries Asenath and have kids.

During the famine, Joseph sees his brothers asking for grain which the are willing to buy. Joseph is mad at them that they should ask for food but they say they have families to feed including a younger brother. Joseph thinks they are lying and imprisons one of his brothers and demands they bring their younger brother to him. They bring Joseph’s younger brother Benjamin. Joseph invites them to dine with his and then plants a golden chalice in Benjamin grain. Joseph’s plan to expose his brothers a selfish cheats back fires when they offer themselves to save Benjamin as this father couldn’t take the disappearance of another son. The eldest brother admits to selling Joseph and Joseph reveal himself to his brothers and invites them and their families to live in Egypt. Joseph then reunites with his father. Happy ending.

Joseph and his coat Joseph: King of Dreams picture image

Joseph and his coat

There are a number of reasons I disliked this movie but the main reason is I really didn’t like Joseph as character. He is kind of perfect. The whole opening number is about how great he is and while he does suffer I don’t really think he grows as character. Even his suffering isn’t that bad, yeah he sold as a slave but he get’s nice digs. Yeah he is put in jail but he plants a tree and then he gets a really sweet position. His brothers were justified in being jealous of him, selling him was a dick move but up until that point Joseph was the favorite of his father.

This type of character may work in the Bible, though to be honest I have never read this story, but for a movie it’s kind of hard to get on his side. Prior to being arrested, he was supposed to be put to death, my first reaction was “yay”, it not a good thing if the audience doesn’t care for the titular character of a children’s animated movie.

Joseph and Asenath Joseph: King of Dreams picture image

Joseph and Asenath

The rest of the characters are bland. I know the brothers have names but really why bother, they don’t have individuals characterizations, they are a group, but they have more character growth than Joseph does. Asenath is nice and pretty a.k.a generic. Joseph’s father is misguided idealizing Joseph but I suppose it was God’s will so he could save Egypt. Joseph’s mother is nice. That is it. There are other characters but they’re generic too.

Joseph and one of his Brothers Joseph: King of Dreams picture image

Joseph and one of his Brothers

Speaking of characters another reason I dislike this movie is the character design, or rather the lack of it. The characters’ looks are all bland to the extreme. Really can you tell any one who isn’t Joseph apart oh wait I take that back because Benjamin looks exactly like him, though I suppose that is point since family and such. But everything is so generic and dull looking.

Joseph in his Van Gogh dream  Joseph: King of Dreams picture image

Joseph in his Van Gogh dream

The Animation is also bad. It looks so old. If you told me this movie made in 1992 I would believe it. Though oddly enough this movie gets praised on its animation mainly for the Van Gogh art design of Joseph’s dreams. I don’t want to like an elitist snob over here but impressionism is dream-like already, it’s not inspired choice for a dream in a movie. And consider this, Akira Kurosawa’s Dreams (beautiful movie) had a Van Gogh dream segment. I found the impressionism jarring against the ancient world style. They should made his dreams in the style of his coat, with cool moving gradients and golden tones. They could have done more. I will say that while I don’t like the idea of Van Gogh painting as the dreamscape, I will say the execution was fine, it looked nice. As far as the dreams go, I like the idea of Pharaoh dreams, it looked like something and Pharaoh could dream up based on the surroundings and not art movement from thousands years in the future.

Joseph in jail  you know better than i  Joseph: King of Dreams picture image

Joseph in jail

This movie had songs. Were they good? Nope, they were annoying.

Joseph being a slave Joseph: King of Dreams picture image

Joseph being a slave

Joseph: King of Dreams is full of dull songs, dull colors, dull characters. So it’s pretty dull all round, kudos.

Mickey's Magical Christmas:  Snowed in at the House of Mouse

Mickey’s Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse

I admit it I’m a little stumped on Mickey’s Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse. It’s very much all over the place. Some of it is good and some of it just confounding. This video was released in 2001.

Minnie and Ludwig in The Nutcracker  Mickey's Magical Christmas:  Snowed in at the House of Mouse  picture image

Minnie and Ludwig in The Nutcracker

The basic plot is that all the, or most of the Disney characters are snowed in at the House of Mouse and Donald is being a grump, so Mickey uses clips and shorts to try and cheer him up. Which doesn’t work since it’s only when Mickey asks him to put the star on the tree that he lightens up.

The first story is called Donald on Ice. It’s Donald skating and failing a lot. But the ending is cute. Donald runs in to an abominable snowman who wins a snow man contest and wins skate, that was cute.

The second story is Pluto’s Christmas Tree from 1952. Where Mickey cuts down tree with Chip and Dale inside. Pluto barks at them and havoc happens. It’s cute enough.

The third story is The Nutcracker with Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy and Ludwig. It was fun enough. I enjoyed the narrator.

The fourth story is the 1983 Mickey’s Christmas Carol which is a classic.

Scrooge in Mickey's Christmas Carol  Mickey's Magical Christmas:  Snowed in at the House of Mouse  picture image

Scrooge in Mickey’s Christmas Carol

One of the big problems is the leaps in animation quality. The House of Mouse parts are really poorly animated which is jarring with the 1952 and 1983 compared to the 1999-2001 animation. The older stuff is just so much richer.

Minnie, Goofy, with Jafar, Pain, Tigger, and Pooh Mickey's Magical Christmas:  Snowed in at the House of Mouse  picture image

Minnie, Goofy, with Jafar, Pain , Tigger, and Pooh

The House of Mouse parts are the weakest parts but some of the quips from the characters were a little silly but the whole Donald is grumpy is a weak premise and unnecassary. The only thing that was enjoyable about it was a reaction from Grumpy. Did I mention that the animation in those parts are REALY bad?

Donald with Daisy and Goofy Mickey's Magical Christmas:  Snowed in at the House of Mouse  picture image

Donald with Daisy and Goofy

So I’m a little stumped most of Mickey’s Magical Christmas:  Snowed in at the House of Mouse is alright and some of it bad and pointless. I would recommend just going to bathroom or getting a snack for the House of Mouse parts or just watching the clips on there own.

Also the wikipedia page said Victor and Hugo from Hunchback were in this but I didn’t seem them and I found it so weird that Belle doesn’t get a line, she sings but Beast says the lines.

The King and I Picture image

The King and I

Sometimes a movie comes along and it makes you just ask yourself why? The 1999 animated movie version of The King & I is one such movie. It was made by Warner’s Brother in associated with Morgan Creek, Nest (our friends from The Swan Princess) and my old nemesis Rankin/Bass. This movie is based or rather somewhat based on the Roger Hammerstein musical “The King and I” which in turn was based on a novel by Margaret Landon called Anna and the King which was in turn was based off of Anna Leonowens’ memoirs which were over-extragted about her life, teaching the children of King Mongkut of Siam.

Now I don’t know much about the King and I or Thailand’s history but I do know that Thailand was never colonized because of the reforms of modernization undertaken by Mongkut a.k.a Rama IV and Rama V.

I have also seen The Legend of Suriyothai which is a movie about Suriyothai, one of Thailand’s most famous and beloved Queens. The movie was financed by Queen Sirikit, directed by a member of the Royal family and stars a minor royal and a pop star. But enough of that tangent and my clear stalling, let’s talk about The King and I.

Anna and the King about to get their dance on The King and I Picture image

Anna and the King about to get their dance on

Unlike other movies that just introduce characters and situations this one make the bold decision not to. The king’s advisor dude, The Kralahome wants to be king because all bad guys want to rule for no reason. He spies on Anna on route to Siam with  her son and thinks “I can use this lady to dethrone the king.” So what does he do? Sends a dragon with his BS illusion magic that is never explained to I think scare her, not sure what his plan is. Then Anna sings her whistling song and the dragon either finds the whistling or uptempo singing disagreeable and peaces out.

Anna docks and her son gets to keep a monkey whose name is Mushi, or Mochi, or Munchi, I couldn’t understand the kid and who cares (it seems to be Moonchee and I still don’t care). Anywho Kralahome and his overly offensive minion Master Little welcomes Anna and tells her she isn’t going to live in a house like she was promised which get Anna’s panties all in a knot. There is also a lame running gag where Master Little looses his teeth, charming.

Anna speaks to the King who getting a present from Burma, a girl named Tuptim who can read, OMG Shocks! Then Kralahome then decides to try and kill Anna’s son, Louis because the King will get blamed for it. Huh? What? How do you figure that? Kralahome is a massive dum-dum. That plan by Kralahome fails too like the dragon. But whatever his lame plans pads out the running time.

Then we see Tuptim meeting her cute sidekick, a little Elephant named Tusker and then she meets the crown prince, Chulalongkorn and voila they’re in love because they’re attractive, meh they’re teens.

Then Anna meets the nameless kids of the king and that pads out the running time for a little bit. Then Anna starts teaching and takes them outside the palace sings the getting to know you song while Mater Little and the Monkey cause antics, I really can’t remember why, probably another Kralahome master plan of dumbness.

Then Kralahome sends a letter to the Bristish saying that Anna is being treated badly and the King is a barbarian. The letter plan works as the Bristish officer heads to Siam to dethrone him. Yeah that is just dumb.

Kralahome then sends killer statues while the King sing-prays to Buddha but the King’s panther, Rama (everyone has pet/sidekick) defeats them before the King notices by roaring. I don’t get what Kralahome’s plan is.

Then the British come and Anna convinces the King to put on a banquest because the Bristish like dinner parties, but if Downton Abbey has taught me anything that is where the real fighting is really done.

Master Little learns that the crown Prince gave the royal pendent to Tuptim so Kralahome uses that info to goat the king into being a meanie pants at the banquet because when he learns this he wants to whip Tuptim to death but then decides to send her back to Burma which is also death. The Crown Prince and Tuptim run off. Kralohome decides that this is a good opertunity to kill the king or something but when that plan fails he just decides to use firworks (a la Mulan) to kill him. It doesn’t work so Kralahome is sentenced to clean up the sacred white elephant shit, The crown prince gets to marry Tuptim and Anna gets her house. I was just so happy when it was over.

The sidekicks The King and I Picture image

The sidekicks

One of the main problem with this anus of movie is that in order to make it friendly for kids they threw in sidekicks everywhere. These sidekicks come at the expense of the characters who are really there so that the production didn’t have to think to hard. The story, characters and songs were already established but the additions of the sidekicks just steamrolls over that.

The getting to know you sequence is a great example, the movie has Anna and the kids singing it but the focuses is on Master Little and that Monkey. After a while I just tuned it out as a coping mechanism.

The King's kids The King and I Picture image

The King’s kids

So we don’t get interesting or compelling characters in this, hell Disney Sequels have more interesting and compelling characters, at least Madeline in the hunchback sequel got more of a characterization then any character in this movie. The King wants technology and tradition, Anna wants a house, The prince and Tuptim want to get married and Kralahome just wants power. What is it with advisors wanting power?

Speaking of Kralohome, what the fuck? This guy is like Cersei Lannister from Game of Thrones. Like Cersei, Kralahome thinks he is like a genius and a master tactician but he is really just an idiot. On what planet do you think a King will get blamed for the death of a boy when your fucking minion is the last one seen with him? There so much fail with Kralohome, I would feel embarrassed for him, if I cared.

Tuptim The King and I Picture image

Tuptim

I have already mention Tuptim, who I would assume is the token Princess-like character. Tuptim was given to the king from Burma. She can read but never seems to want to read, that would have made her interesting. Instead she is in love with the Prince and whines about being a servant, never mind she is a stranger in a strange place no instead she has a elephant. See what I mean about the characters having next to no personality.

The King and Rama the panther with stupid CG killer Statues The King and I Picture image

The King and Rama the panther with stupid CG killer Statues

Seeing as the songs where not original to the movie, I’m not going to talk about them but they are fine on the whole, I guess. To be honest half the songs don’t bother to focus on the singer or the subject matter so if the movie doesn’t care why should I?

The animation on the other hand is a train-wreak. It’s bad in the sense that it’s trying really, really hard to be good which makes it bad. It’s not even bad in that special bad way, it just off-putting. The dialogue is also really off-putting with it’s on and off again broken English.

Kralahome with Master Little The King and I Picture image

Kralahome with Master Little

The King and I is just a lame-duck of movie. It has nothing going to for it, I found the coldness in my feet far more entertaining than this puke of movie. One final piece of trivia, this movie made the Roger and Hammerstein estate have a no animated movie stance on any their musicals in the future, Good Job movie commend your lameness.

Quest For Camelot picture image

Quest For Camelot

Quest For Camelot is a strange movie to put it lightly. It was made by Warner Bros and released on May 15th, 1998. Despite its release date it was actually finished in 1997 and was originally set for a holiday release but was pushed it back to avoid competition with Anastasia , Flubber, Alien Resurrection, Titanic and a re-release of The Little Mermaid. Considering these movies and Quest for Camelot’s rather disharmonious narrative, it was a good decision to push it back.

Ruber and Kayley Quest For Camelot picture image

Ruber and Kayley

The story starts with a young girl named Kayley, oh that name sounds soo Arthurian, is hanging out with her dad who is a knight of the Round of Table. Her dad has to go to Camelot for a knight’s meeting and young Kayley dreams of being a knight. KNIGHT!

During the Knight’s of the Round Table meeting one Knights named Rhubarb, I’m sorry, Ruber, not sure which is more ridiculous, wants more land because he wants more and King Arthur says that Knights get land equal to their needs. So Ruber being the sensible bloke that he is tries to kill the king so he and rule. Kayley’s dad is killed defending Arthur. When they bring the body home, Arthur offer Kayley’s mother, Lady Julianna entry into Camelot when ever she wants. I have to wonder if that a special or something offered to all Knight’s widows?

Ten Years past and Kayley wants more out of life than farm labor. But what this? Something more comes when Ruber comes a-knocking and demands Lady Julianna to use her open invitation to Camelot so Ruber can take over. In addition to this he uses a potion that some witches from the Acme Corp (not really joking here) gave him to meld animals and weapons together. His grand plan is fuse himself with Excalibur but as his Griffian was stealing it he dropped in the Forbidden Forest. Kayley gets away because Ruber’s minions massive dum-dums and just let her go. Kayley then makes her way to the Forbidden Forest to get the sword instead of warning Camelot because she wants to be a knight.

As she flees, Kayley is pursued by two goons and a talking chicken who was fused with ax, who wrotes this? Kayley seems cornered but is saved by a handsome blind hermit, named Garrett. She tells Garrett about the missing sword and he tells her that him and his falcon Aiden with go get it without her but  he agrees to let her come after she asks him a second time.

They head to dragon country where they run into a two-headed dragon that makes the gargoyles from Disney’s Hunchback look charming. They also run into Ruber and they escape some more stuff happens and Garrett and Kayley fall in love and they get the sword. As they arrive in Camelot Garret tells Kayley to go as he doesn’t belong in that world because of the blindness, I guess. Kayley then promptly gets kidnapped by Ruber and he fuses Excalibur to his hand. He attacks, Garrett comes back and Ruber is tricked into stabbing Excalibur back in the stone it came from and dies. Garrett and Kayley are knighted and they Riverdance, The End.

Kayley and Garrett Quest For Camelot picture image

Kayley and Garrett

Broken down into its most basic story elements, Quest for Camelot is about two people who society says shouldn’t be Knights wanting to become Knights and a Power hungry evil guy who wants power. Nothing in this movie is new or original, it just feel very much like a Disney knock-off but to fair this movie, it had a lot production issues.
First off, it is very loosely and I mean loosely based on a book by Vera Chapman called The King’s Damosel, which deals with forced marriage and rape. The narrative is lifted from the backstory of the main character when has to save her sister from the Red knight with help of a guy named Gareth. According to trivia, the movie was supposed to be darker intone but that got lost somewhere with the ax chicken and the two-headed pop-reference spewing dragons. It wasn’t a good move to to use this book. I mean to based your Arthurian movie off of a book that is based on Arthurian legend looks weird and bit incestuous. But they hardly used this book at all.

Second, the movie was created by executives who had no clue how animated movies worked. So the production on the movie suffered and the resulting movie while has decent production values, like decent animation, songs and voice acting, the story is clumsy and uninspired.

Garrett and Aidan Quest For Camelot picture image

Garrett and Aidan

The characters too run the gambit of alright to dullness to annoying. Really only one character is at all interesting and that would be Garrett, our blind hermit hero. Garrett got a back story where he was a stable boy who got lost his vision in a fire and Kayley’s perfect father trained him to be a Knight. Basically Garrett is the most interesting thing about this movie.

Ruber is just power-hunger and he does enjoy being evil but there something wanting about him. First, Ruber wants power but he also wants chaos. Hey Idiot, if there is chaos in the land that threatens your power pull. His plan in theory was good but the execution was dumb, there was just too many variables. For example Kayley escapes so what did he have to threaten Julianna with? She didn’t have to go along with it and could have sacrificed herself, her husband did. It just was just stupid but do you except from a guy who sends a talking axe-chicken to bring back a hostage.

Speaking of the Axe-Chicken, whose name is Bladebeak, him and the dragons, Devon and Cornwall are annoying, very annoying. There is no real reason for these characters to be in this movie other than making it fun for children. The pop culture references that the dragons make are more annoying than the gargoyles and just jarring. Yes, they all help in some way but that was justified their characters existing. If they hadn’t been in the film we would have lost nothing.

Kayley  Quest For Camelot picture image

Kayley

Then we have other sort of Princess-like character, Kayley. To Kayley’s credit she has a very clear goal, she wants to be a Knight. The problem is Kayley sucks at it. She gets into trouble and someone else has to save her. Even though she sort saves the day, she got the idea to stand her ground till the last second from Garrett.
But you know that really isn’t the problem with Kayley, she is just bland. I could take a character that thinks they are kick-ass but are not but she isn’t charming or interesting to watch. She also looks a lot like Belle, but F that, they shamelessly reference the Lion King for no reason so a Belle look alike isn’t a really issue here.

Kayley and Garrett Quest For Camelot picture image

Kayley and Garrett

Then we have the romance between Kayley and Garrett, it it so contrived. It just seems like it is in the movie because that is what Disney does. They went from snarky to lovey in like a day. I didn’t believe it nor was I invested in it.

Devon and Cornwall singing if i didn't have you  Quest For Camelot picture image

Devon and Cornwall singing if i didn’t have you

Then there is decent part of the movie the animation and like one-two songs. However both areas have issues. The animation for the most part is good but there is something about it that perplexes me though. It’s very fluid, so much so that its jarring in a way and yet it’s spare in compositions.

The songs are weak on the whole. Some are better than other like The Prayer but mostly they are just meh. Ruber’s villain song is a train wreck, it has no flow and zero harmony. The Dragon’s song is an annoying farce of a song that thinks its funny because of pop culture references. I don’t want a Arthurian-esque movie that references Sonny and Cher  and Elvis! No me gusta!

The trouble with these songs is that they come out of no where and when their done it like they didn’t happen. They add nothing. Also The Prayer song was misplaced as a heartfelt ballad during a chase scene and considering that is the song of the movie it’s off putting. There was another scene with Julianna later in the film that would have worked better. Also Garret’s singing voice while a decent singer did not work with Cary Elwes‘ voice.

Bladebeak Quest For Camelot picture image

Bladebeak

Despite my nitpicking on Quest For Camelot, I can see why people would like this movie, it’s a fun little adventure flick, it just wasn’t entertaining for me at all, in the slightest. Even the shear volume of celebrities couldn’t win me over and that sad considering I do enjoy some these actors.

 


Every time they said Excalibur, I thought this from Soul Eater.

Thumbelina  picture image

Thumbelina

I have mentioned nostalgia clouding bad kid movies and trying to be above it, that being said it has caught up with me in a little way. A part of me knows that Don Bluth’s Thumbelina is not a good movie, it has a lot issues, but, but, but I really like this movie. I have good happy memories this movie. Even though it has some flaws, I still like it.

Thumbelina was released in 1994 by Don Bluth. It was clearly him copying that sweet, sweet Disney formula. In fact they played the Disney logo at the beginning at test screenings to help get positive ratings. This movie is really a Disney knock-off.

 Thumbelina  with Cornelius Thumbelina  picture image

Thumbelina with Cornelius

The movie starts with off in Paris with Jacquimo, a swallow. He gives us theme about over coming impossibility because Disney has the monopoly on the being yourself theme. He tells the story of Thumbelina from book even though he was in the story. I’m confused but whatever.

Story goes, this lady wants a baby so she gets an enchanted flower and out pops full grown Thumbelina. Thumbelina isn’t fan of being small and lonely. She hopes her love will come by and low and behold he does, one Fairy Prince Cornelius. After 7 minutes and 39 seconds of screen time which includes a Whole New World knock-off, they are in love and on their way to engagement or they are, I can’t really tell. I guess it like engaged to be engaged.

However, Thumbelina is kidnapped in the night by Charo-Toad. Charo-Toad, like everyone else in this movie, is smitten with Thumbelina’s voice. She wants to add Thumbelina to her act and she wants her to marry her son Grundel. They ditch Thumbelina on a lily pad to get the Padre or something.

As Thumbelina is stuck on the lily pad, Jacquimo FLIES by. Thumbelina tells her tale of love and woe and Jacquimo congratulations her for being in love. Jacquimo helps her off the lily pad by cutting it lose and getting some fishes to pull her to shore. Jacquimo tells her to follow her heart to find her way home and while she does that Jacquimo will FLY around looking for Cornelius.

Thumbelina then gets caught by Mr Beetle, played by Gilbert Gottfried who wants her to sing at the Beetle Ball. However, her Beetle costume was poorly made and falls off revealing her as not a bug and the beetles call her ugly. As she laments, Jacquimo FLIES by and comforts her. He comforts her by saying as long as the guy you like thinks your pretty it doesn’t matter. I think it’s just bad writing there.

Then winter comes, and Jacquimo and Cornelius, who have been looking for Thumbelina are knocked out of commission. Also on the hunt for Thumbelina are Grundel who has Mr Beetle working for him.

As the cold weather sets in, Thumbelina is saved from death by Ms. Fieldmouse. Ms. Fieldmouse informs Thumbelina that Cornelius is dead. Thumbelina gets to mourn him for a solid 15 seconds because they have visit Mr. Mole. Mr. Mole also likes Thumbelina’s voice and tells them that he found a dead bird which turns out to be Jacquimo but he isn’t dead. Mr. Mole then pays off Ms. Fieldmouse to persuade Thumbelina to marry him.

Thumbelina, heart-broken over Cornelius’ death and thinking she will never get home decides to marry the mole. She tells Jacquimo this and after she pulls a thorn from his wing he tells her to go with him to the prince. She does not as she think Cornelius is dead.

Thumbelina is about to marry the mole but can’t because she doesn’t love him and escapes. As she does, Grundel shows up and so does Cornelius who wasn’t dead just a little frozen. Jacquimo shows up again and takes Thumbelina to what he claims is the Vale of the Fairies. Thumbelina is pessimistic and asks him to take her home but he insists on her singing. As she sings spring comes and Cornelius shows up. Yay. They kiss and Thumbelina gets wings and they get married. Hooray!

Thumbelina with Jacquimo Thumbelina  picture image

Thumbelina with Jacquimo

The number one problem is that Jacquimo at any point could have flown Thumbelina home. We wouldn’t have had a movie but it’s a glaring issue. I’m not sure why he didn’t think to offer this or why Thumbelina didn’t ask. He instead offers to find Cornelius but he could have done that after he brought her home. It’s just one those plot hole that just leaves you confused and asking why.

Thumbelina  picture image

Thumbelina

Another issue is with Thumbelina herself. Thumbelina doesn’t learn anything and she doesn’t earn her happy ending, it’s pretty much handed to her. All she has to do is say no to money but she was never about money and was wholly about love so there no growth for her character.

As far as her personality go, she is impressionable. Considering we don’t know how much time passes between her “birth” and the events of this movie, she could be a like two days old. So her being sheltered is understandable. She is also very pessimistic, she says “It’s Impossible” a lot.

In a way it’s refreshing to see a princess-like character being a negative-nancy, on the other hand without character growth it’s a little annoying. The thing is she’s right, it was impossible since we don’t see her make it home. She does go back at end when she is getting married but she is probably going to live with fairies, so she never really makes it back home. It wouldn’t have been impossible if stupid bird-jerk gave her a ride.

Speaking of Thumbelina, what is she? Cornelius kind of implies that fairies can get their wings later, so she is a fairy? But how did that seed work? Is she at all genetically related to her mother? Do fairies come from seeds? When two fairies love each other very much, do they plant a flower and out comes a baby? Or a grown-up non-winged fairy? I’m confused.

Thumbelina with Mr  Beetle picture image

Thumbelina with Mr Beetle

So as for the rest of the characters. They’re ok, Jacquimo is a well meaning co-dependent who is a little more than dumb, Cornelius is a rule-breaking flirt, the jitterbugs are cute, and the mom is bland but nice.

They other characters are ambitious and money grubbing. I think Grundel is a bit like Frollo, he obsessed with Thumbelina but doesn’t know her. I admit I do like Mr. Beetle, I find him amusing even if he is just Gilbert Gottfried doing Iago.

 Thumbelina  with Cornelius picture image

Thumbelina with Cornelius

Speaking of voice actors and Disney, Thumbelina is a pure unfiltered rip off of The Little Mermaid. Both are originally by Hans Christian Anderson, both use the same voice actress, Jodi Benson, both have red hair, both have beautiful and desirable voices. Hell both movies use Kenneth Mars voice of King Triton and the Fairy King. It even fade out to stain-glass. This movie feel very Disney-light.

Thumbelina with Mrs. Toad  picture image

Thumbelina with Mrs. Toad

So since a hallmark of Disney films is the animation and the songs how does those compare. The animation is really good. I really like how stagey the visuals are to the songs. Some of the characters design are overtly silly, dogs and goats with mustaches and Charo-toad. But on the whole it’s a pretty movie to look at.

Ms Fieldmouse Thumbelina  picture image

Ms Fieldmouse

The songs were composed by Barry Manilow. I know people don’t like most of the songs, heck one won a Razzie but I don’t hate them. I prefer some over others. I like the Aladdin knock-off, Let me be your wings and the vague I want song, Soon.

The other songs are meh but enjoyable. That’s right, I enjoyed Marry the Mole, how often do you get a gold-digging song in a kid’s movie? It’s just enjoyably stupid.

Thumbelina with the Jitterbugs Thumbelina  picture image

Thumbelina with the Jitterbugs

Thumbelina is supposed to be about over coming impossibilities but it seems more like don’t do things for money but in copying Disney that is what Bluth did, he married the mole so to speak. I won’t deny this duality does lead to a kinda messy theme which in turn leads to a messy narrative but I do like this movie. Maybe it’s nostalgia for it but the I find Thumbelina enjoyable, with good pacing, lovely visuals, and some nice songs.

Happily Ever After picture image

Happily Ever After

Unlike Fergully, I have memories of watching Happily Ever After as kid. It was sort of special to me because I could only watch it at my friends’ house. That being said there is no power of nostalgia or sentiment clouding this movie for me, this movie is terrible. It’s psychically hurts.

It was made by in 1988, completed in 1990 and released in 1993 by Filmation. It’s been in moratorium since October 25th 1996. It only saw actively for three years. What does that say about the quality of this movie?

Snow White and the Shadow Man Happily Ever After picture image

Snow White and the Shadow Man

Happily Ever After is a sequel to Snow White in a general sense. It starts with the Evil Queen’s minions partying and celebrating her death. Then the Evil Lord Maliss (too subtle), the Queen’s brother, comes in and is pissed off and plots revenge on Snow White.

Snow White and her nameless prince are on route to invite the dwarves to their wedding. Why didn’t they send an invitation via mail? The Plot says so, damn it. They get attacked by Maliss in dragon form and Snow White gets away but the Prince isn’t so lucky.

Snow White runs into a dark forest and reaches the dwarves’ house but now their cousins live there, the seven Dwarfelles, chick dwarves. They all have have super powers that are  based on their names, convenient isn’t it. They take Snow White to Mother Nature  at Rainbow Falls (sounds likes something for a Skittles commerial) for help on how to get her Prince back. But Maliss shows up and tells Snow White that if she wants her Prince back to come to his castle in the Realm of Doom (still way too subtle). Hey movie, subverting a stereotype doesn’t really correct it. But whatever, at least Snow White has to do something.

So off they all go. Along the way, they encounter a shadow man who looks like Orko from He-Man, so I’m just going to call him Orko. The Dwarfelles don’t really trust Orko but Snow White figures out that Orko seems to be helping her. Hmmmmmmm, I wonder who Orko could really be, hmmmmmmm, it’s so hard to figure out!

Then Snow White is captured by Maliss. But what’s this, her Prince is there in castle and leads her to some place with creepy statues. Hmmmmm, he is acting lot less bland than he was a the start of the movie, hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I wonder why that could be?

OH, because it was really Maliss in design, OH geeze, movie, how you tricked me……….

Maliss’ plan is to turn Snow White into stone with a cloak. Remember when they mentioned that Maliss has a cloak that turns this into stone earlier? Neither do I! Anyway the dwarfelles try to save her but fail and get turned to stone all except the inept Thunderella. Orko also tries to help but gets K.Oed. I do like Snow White bitch slapping Maliss but then she gets tied up.

Anyway, Thunderella gets her weather powers under control which gives Snow White the chance to throw the cloak over Maliss. And then every one is better but Orko. However Snow White’s tears or love or some BS save him but what’s this? Orko was really the Prince under Maliss’ spell. OH WHAT A TWIST, I DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING AT ALL! And yeah happy ending.

Sunburn and Scowl Happily Ever After picture image

Sunburn and Scowl

This movie is a mess from start to finish. It doesn’t come across in my little write up but this movie, like the 1939 Gulliver’s Travels, focuses a lot more on the side characters, the Dwarfells and the evil minions, Scowl the Owl and Batso the Bat. Oh, the clever geniuses that thought up those names. Scowl and Batso are very annoying to the point of killing brain cells. They are heavy focused and really add nothing to anything.

Furthermore, I really dislike how bats are portrayed in children’s movies. Bats are awesome creatures who can eat mosquitoes. I know I dissed Batty from Ferngully last week but Batty is a billion times better than Batso. I mean they could have cut Scowl and Batso out but they need stupid goofiness to combat the creepiness.

The Dwarfelles (I die a little each time I type that) were also annoying especially Sunburn. I hated her saying “that really burns me up” over and over and over again and again and again. It was painful.

Snow White and her Prince Happily Ever After picture image

Snow White and her Prince

Other than the outright goofy characters we have the supposed main characters; Snow White, Mr. Prince “Orko” Shadow Man and Lord Maliss. They are all bland. Prince is more interesting in his cursed state but then it becomes a Beauty and the Beast thing.

Also I want point out that by the Prince helping Snow White at every turn doesn’t it help  to subvert the damsel in distress stereotype that they were truing to go for, so this movie just plays into it.

Lord Maliss Happily Ever After picture image

Lord Maliss

Maliss I want to say is interesting because his motive comes from place of love for his sister. But why is he after Snow White? She didn’t kill the queen, wasn’t she like dead when that happened?

Anyway Maliss is just evil and not really delightfully so either. I wished he had done away with Scowl in a quicker fashion than that stupid candle rope thing. I mean he has the cloak, instant death. I really hate Scowl. I hate this movie………. cries

Snow White Happily Ever After picture image

Snow White

Snow White, well she does look like Snow White, that a plus. She is fairly bland, I mean she does tries to defend herself and is nice. It’s not really her fault that she lacks interest.

The movie doesn’t care about her as character, she is a plot point for the side characters. I wished the movie had explored her more as the movie follows her but I think the movie would have rather not, it would rather been about Scowl and Batso, grrr hates.

The Shadow Man a.k.a The Prince a.k.a an Orko Knock-off Happily Ever After picture image

The Shadow Man a.k.a The Prince a.k.a an Orko Knock-off

I mentioned that the Prince’s Shadow Man form looked liked Orko from He-Man but prior to that I thought the Prince in his regular form looked like something out of He-man. And I was right, Filmation is the studio who did He-Man and this abomination.
The animation is not good. It looks old even for 1988 when it was made. Snow White was clearly rotoscoped which like have said in other posts, looking jarring with clearly non-rotoscope characters exist in the same scene.

Snow White hugs Thunderella Happily Ever After picture image

Snow White hugs Thunderella

Then were have the songs, which are also mind-numbingly painful. I just point out, NOT ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS GETS A SONG! Scowl gets one as do Thunderella and Mother Nature. Snow White’s voice actress Irene Cara sings the credit song but still, only side characters get the chance to sing.

I also take issue that Thunderella’s song, which is like a hopeful self empowerment and existential song is done BEFORE HER NAME IS GIVEN. I don’t know this character yet so I can’t feel for her through this cheesy song. They are so old and dated sounding it’s insulting to my rotting mind.

Snow White bitch slapping Lord Maliss Happily Ever After picture image

Snow White bitch slapping Lord Maliss

I would bet that Happily Ever After’s budget went to hiring the voice talent, which have some heavy hitters but it neglected the animation, writing and everything else. This movie is a massive fail.

And just to insult the viewer more, Scowl gets top billing. I really loath this movie.

Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Ferngully: The Last Rainforest

Ferngully: The Last Rainforest is one those movies that has a lot of nostalgic power, if you loved  it as a kid you probably still love it. I for my part only saw a trailer when I was a kid so it has no nostalgic meaning for me.

It was made by Fai Films in 1992 and was Australian-American venture, which is why the film itself is set in Australia. It was produced by 20th Century Fox. Nostalgia aside how is this movie, well it’s pretty in parts but it’s not that that good.

Zak and Crysta Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Zak and Crysta

The large bulk of the story is a culture clash between fairies and man or nature vs man. The Fairies of Ferngully, the supposed last rainforest, live all happy and believe humans are long gone.

But one day, fairy princess/ magic trainee, Crysta sees smokes and learn that humans are still around. She shrinks one called, Zack, wait I mean Zak with a K and no C, who is marking trees to be chopped for what looks like lumber. Crysta does not understand what Zak was doing but he lies about it. Crysta and Zak form a attachment but because mainstream movies need a plot there is Hexxus, played by Tim Curry.

Hexxus is a spirit of chaos or something that feeds on pollution. Magi Lune, Crysta’s magic teacher, trapped him in a tree ages ago but the human chopped the tree down freeing him. Hexxus then feeds off the tree cutter machine, called the leveler, and somehow convinces the drivers of the leveler to go to Ferngully because we need conflict.

Anyway, Zak is revealed as a liar, Hexxus comes and is scary, Zak along with Batty (a bat that escape form a biology lab), stops the leveler by turning it off which cuts off Hexxus’ power supply but then for I don’t why Hexxus’ powers go over 9000 and gets really scary but Crysta uses the power of creation in seeds, i.e. Magic BS and seals Hexxus in another tree. Crysta un-shrinks Zak and yay one very localized Rain Forest is safe, for now. YAY!

Zak and the Sexual yet Hungry Goanna Lizard Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Zak and a Sexual yet Hungry Goanna Lizard

There is not much to plot outside one culture’s stance vs another. It a preachy environmental movie. The pacing is also very stagnated, it kind of hops from part to part with no fluidity. It is very annoying.

Zak Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Zak

Ferngully also hasn’t aged well either and I don’t mean the animation, I mean it’s very 90’s. Zak is super 90’s, it’s almost painful. The talk about about Crysta being ‘one bodacious babe‘ is just cringe worthy. It’s pretty jarring since that’s all there is to Zak’s character and he’s on screen a lot.

Also a side note, no one has an Australian accent, no one.

Batty Koda, Crysta, and Zak Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Batty Koda, Crysta, and Zak

Speaking of the characters, there isn’t much to them. Zak is 90’s but I don’t find him likable. Magi Lune is ok but bland. Batty, Batty, Batty, he was Robin Williams. No disrespect or anything but Batty Koda was a little more than annoying. Pips was Mr Friend-zone and didn’t have a personality outside of jealous. Hexxus was overtly sexual, so he was basically Tim Curry.

Hexxus  Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Hexxus

Speaking of Hexxus, what is he? At the start, Magi Lune said that he came from Earth and was spirit of Chaos but Hexxus seems to need pollution, so what did he consume when the humans lived with the fairies in the forest? I’m confused.

Also what is Hexxus’ motivation? Why does he want to destroy Ferngully outside the plot needs it? I don’t get it. If he was pissed about being imprisoned shouldn’t he want revenge on the one who imprisoned him. Personally, if I was a chaotic toxic thing, I would just be chaotic and not worry about revenge.

Also it’s a good thing those drivers were so stupid to listen to Hexxus or we wouldn’t have had a third act. Why did they just listen to him? Did Hexxus sound like their boss? Lucky for Hexxus if that is the case. It’s so dumb it hurts.

Crysta Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Crysta

Then we have Crysta, our Princess. Crysta is, umm, she’s…. ummm….. naive, curious and tree loving? Is that a personality? That is about all I get from her and she is the main character. The movie follows her and all I get is curious and naive.

I suppose I could add nice to the mix and slightly silly but that’s it. Ah well it’s still better than most of the other Princesses I have looked at.

Batty Rapping Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Batty Rapping

I will say that the animation is really good. I still think it’s pretty and I do like that the fairies look different than human. Some of the characters design are overly silly but I can overlook that. It’s well animated with vibrant colors and very clean.

Then there is the music, which is pretty bad. The two songs that are memorable are Batty’s rap and Toxic love and they are not memorable in  good ways.

Zak and Crysta Ferngully: The Last Rainforest picture image

Zak and Crysta

Ferngully: The Last Rainforest would be better as a film if the plot was tighter and without all the dated dialogue. When it’s being mythical and magical is very nice but it’s pretty bogus as it is.

At its core the Hunchback of Notre Dame is a drama but that  hasn’t stop people from making it into a  happy children story about an ugly ducking, social commentary, a comedy and it was almost was a jazzy action-adventure (prove me wrong Brolin and make it).

But what other genres could a Hunchback version be and how would the story have to change to satisfy the genre tropes.

Moodiness Esmeralda (Maureen O'Hara) 1939 Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Moodiness Esmeralda (Maureen O’Hara) 1939 Hunchback of Notre Dame

Horror– This one is so easy, I’m more than surprise no one has bother to make a more horror-y or at least creepy version since the hallmark film is a “monster’ movie.

There is a movie called the Hunchback of the Morgue which has elements in common with Hunchback and Frankenstein but I haven’t  seen it as of yet.  It sounds terrible,  also I’m fan of gory films.

 

Phoebus Rallies the People Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Phoebus Rallies the People Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

Action-Adventure– I know I mention this one already, but it could work I think. The plot would have to changed a lot though. I think the only method to make this genre work is some kind of treasure hidden in Notre Dame which kind of was done but not really. Notre Dame’s treasure that was Frollo’s motivation in the Secret of the Hunchback but it wasn’t an action-adventure movie, it hardly a movie.

But Hunchback isn’t devoid of action so they could just amp that up and looting the cathedral was part of allure of the attack of it by the Court of Miracles. So it could really work.

Danielle Dumont as Fleur de Lys, 1956 Hunchback of Notre dame picture image

Danielle Dumont as Fleur de Lys, 1956 Hunchback of Notre dame

Romanic Comedy– Groans. Hunchback as a chick flick might be a tough sell but  maybe. I dunno. It would have be very light hearted and almost  parody. Maybe Hunchback should stay clear of this one.

Garou as Quasimodo Notre Dame de Paris picture image

Garou as Quasimodo from Notre Dame de Paris

Musical – Well there have been musical versions but not one from a stage show. I personally love the idea of a Notre Dame de Paris film version but I’m sure it would get messed up.

Maybe they could Jukebox musical, those are easy and people like them enough. Can’t you just see Quasimodo singing “I would do anything for love,” the thing writes itself.

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death

Fantasy – Just add magic and stilted dialogue, easy.

Phoebus and Esmeralda get comfortable (Maureen O'Hara, Alan Marshal) 1939 Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Phoebus and Esmeralda, Maureen O’Hara, Alan Marshal 1939 Hunchback of Notre Dame

Film Noir– Everyone seem to want to overly sexualize Esmeralda anyway so just go for it and make her a full-on Femme Fatal, you know you want to Hollywood.

Quasimodo singing Heaven's Light Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Quasimodo singing Heaven’s Light Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

Kaiju– No, No, No but the image of 100 foot Quasimodo destroying Tokyo is very silly probably too silly.

 

Do you have any suggestions for different genres for Hunchback? Leave it in the comments along with how to change Hunchback to fit the genre.