Book 1, Chapter 5, Quasimodo

The contest for the Pope of Fools begins and ends in this chapter. We are treated to a very detailed description of to what Hugo’s Quasimodo looks like. The men reveal in Quasimodo’s ugliness and the women fears it. One women even claims that Quasimodo practices witchcraft. I feel like this chapter finally starts the story going. It also shows off Quasimodo’s impressive collection of nicknames.

Book 1, Chapter 6, Esmeralda

While the Pop of Fools contest goes one, Grigoire and his actor continue on with their play as a few people are still sort of listening. The final nail in the play’s coffin comes when someone says that Esmeralda has entered the square. This chapter is interesting because in the last paragraph we get two references to the Virgin Mary. So even before we meet Esmeralda, she already aligned to the Virgin.

Book 2, Chapter 1, From Charybdis to Scylla

Between Scylla and Charybdis is an Idiom that comes out of Greek Mythology that means ” having to choose between two evils.” It’s like “between a rock and a hard place.” Charybdis and Scylla are both sea monsters.

Now that Gringoire’s play is dead, he finds himself in a pickle. He’s broke so he can’t return to his lodging as he own them money and he can’t seem to find a quiet place to sleep because of the feast. In the end Gringoire says “Fuck it” and heads over to the The Place de Grève because it you can’t beat them join them. I liked this chapter, I know hoe Gringoire feels here. I feel your pain Pierre.

Book 2, Chapter 2, The Place de Grève

This Chapter describes The Place de Grève it also foreshadows the pillory and the giblet. It’s a short chapter filled with description but not wholly dull just a little.

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda,Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

The main focal character in the Enchanted Tales Version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame is Melody, our Esmeralda character.

Jean-Claude putting the moves on MelodyEnchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody

But why did they call her Melody? It’s not like Esmeralda’s personality isn’t repeatedly altered movie after movie that by changing the name they made a new character, it’s Esmeralda. So they gave her instruments instead of a goat, she is still the beautiful dancing Gypsy girl who captures Quasimodo’s heart.

My guess is that the creators thought Disney made-up the name Esmeralda for their movie because clearly no one on Enchanted Tales read the book and thought they would be sued.

Also, why Melody as the name choice? Everyone else has a French name, even her mother and the freaking donkey gets a French names but Melody doesn’t.

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo

As for Melody’s look, not being Esmeralda, is not sexualized. She has brown hair and blue eyes. She has a tan skin tone and just to make her more pretty she has a beauty mark under her eye (eye-roll). She also doesn’t wear any red but wears yellow. Esmeralda did wear a golden corset once in the novel so one thing right about her overall look.

Oh wait fuck that, she’s not Esmeralda she’s Melody. I take back my almost positive comment.

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death

Melody gets the most screen time, so we must get an idea for her personality. Well, her mother did call her wild and free. I didn’t see that but I didn’t see anything against that. Melody kinda just does what she wants. Melody doesn’t let much bother either. She leaves Notre Dame and walks knowingly into a trap and is not phased. She gets thrown into jail and she doesn’t care the much, in fact she sings a stupid happy song. She is about to be executed and she yawns. She finds dying boring.

I think this mostly bad writing than character development. Otherwise she is just nice but fairly selectively, she not nice to Jean-Claude but he’s a douche. But more over she is just boring. Boring maybe a new facet for an Esmeralda-character but it’s a not a good thing.

Melody and her team of annoying instruments Enchanted tales The Hunchback of Notre Dame picture images

Melody and her team of annoying instruments

Melody, unlike Esmeralda, has some kind of magic power. This power is the ability to bring musical instruments to life. This power is not explained and results in annoying-ness. This is her biggest flaw, it wasn’t for her those hell spawn of animation garbage wouldn’t have been in this. Those instruments make the gargoyles in the Disney version look charming. And if Melody had been executed perhaps they would have died with her.

I really hated those instruments and she is responsible for their creation so she is the worst Esmeralda ever.

Next Time Quasimodo

Quasimodo, enchanted tales  picture image

Quasimodo,

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

Where do you start critiquing The Enchanted Tales version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame? Everything is wrong with this adaptation. They got nothing right, even most of the names are wrong. I may complain about every other version but at least they got the basics right, Enchanted tales can’t even do that much.

Melody and her team of annoying instruments Enchanted tales The Hunchback of Notre Dame picture images

Melody and her team of annoying instruments

Well they got the basic basics, we have a guy who sports a hunch who rings the bells at Notre Dame and likes a Gypsy girl who dances. That’s it!

Now we have a Gypsy who is in fact some sort a sorceress as she makes instruments come to life with annoying personalities. That is the most niche super power ever, but instead of Esmeralda her name is Melody and she being pursued by a rich egomaniac named Jean-Claude.

Melody with Handsome Quasimodo Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame  picture image

Melody with “Handsome” Quasimodo

The name changes and annoying instruments are the least the problems; Quasimodo isn’t deformed, he’s handsome. He has hunch because he was sad and had low-esteem. This is just wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong a thousand times wrong. Then to add to to this cacophony of ass-ness they tell children that looks don’t matter if people think you’re attractive. Looks don’t matter if you’re pretty. I suppose personality don’t matter either since Quasimodo does not have one. So we have terrible moral to boot.

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody again Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody again

The main issue with the Enchanted Tales version is despite calling it The Hunchback of Notre Dame, this adaptation plays out and feels like a Beauty and the Beast knock-off. The power of love pretty much changes Quasimodo’s appearance which Melody claims to have accepted when he was ugly. That or that swing did wonders for his hair. Seriously his hair gets pushed back and instant Disney Prince. Also Jean-Claude looks exactly like Gaston and we have enchanted objects that dance around.

Melody and a handome Quasimodo Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody and a “handome” Quasimodo

It’s like the creators on Enchanted Tales were told that Disney is making The Hunchback of Notre Dame, they were told the bare basics of the original story and decided that it’s close enough to Beauty and the Beast and ran with that to make a half-assed stupidly annoying tale with the worst moral EVER!

Next Time – Melody a.k.a Not-Esmeralda

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda,Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

 

Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame

To understand why the Enchanted Tales; Hunchback of Notre Dame version is bad, you have to know that everything is bad. Nothing is good but the plot is the most unforgivable piece of shit of any of the Hunchback versions.

This is the real plot, someone got paid to write this.

Not Frollo/Phoebus a.k.a Jean-Claude  Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Not Frollo/Phoebus a.k.a Jean-Claude

The movie opens with a crappy song and dance that demonstrates that the creators of the movie have no clue on what time period this is supposed to be. Paris is run by the gluttonous Baron and his son Captain Jean-Claude. Jean-Clause is the enforcer. He has forbidden dancing and singing forbidden in Paris because of tax reasons. Magic is also forbidden. Pierre, Jean-Claude’s minion, sees a Gypsy who instruments come to life. Jean-Claude decides to stop her.

 Jean-Claude putting the moves on MelodyEnchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody

Then we meet Not-Esmeralda a.k.a Melody and her posse of annoying instruments. In a tree, watching her dance is Quasimodo, the Hunchback. Jean-Claude, Pierre and the Baron enter scene. People run in terror as Jean-Claude is a douche. He sentences Melody to 324 years of jail time but also offers her dinner with him. Melody rejects his offer. Jean-Claude then threatens her with Guillotine. Quasimodo rushes in to help her. People fall down and in the confusion Melody, her mother, their donkey and stupid instruments rush off. Side note the instruments have names but I don’t care.

Melody flees with the dumb instruments  Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody flees with the dumb instruments

Melody and crew make it back to their Gyspy camp where they discuss that people don’t like them because they are different. But Jean-Claude finds them and Melody and crew hightail it to Notre Dame.

 Jean-Claude, with Melody's mother and donkey Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude, with Melody’s mother and donkey

Apparently the bats, a.k.a the DingBats (who are also annoying) control the doors to Notre Dame and allow Melody and the instruments in but not Pierre and Jean-Claude. Jean-Claude then spots Melody’s mom and donkey and kidnaps them.

Pierre tells Melody’s mom about Quasimodo. About how he is Jean-Claude’s half brother by their mother. Their Mother was married to a Gypsy man and had Quasimodo but then she marries the fat-ass Baron and had Jean-Claude. The Baron worked Quasimodo hard and then banished him to the Bell Tower of Notre Dame. Pierre also says that Quasimodo got his hump by working too hard.

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo

Inside Notre Dame, Melody and stupid instruments are welcomed by the Dingbats who can talk to her in the sanctuary while they are in the Bell Tower. She hears the bells and wants to meet the one who rings them. She and the lame instruments go up to tower and meet Quasimodo.

Quasimodo is shy is and standoff. He says he is ugly but Melody says that we all look different and looks don’t matter she adds that she is fond of his music and fond of his looks. Quasimodo presents her with some stupid bells because she pretty (so much for looks not mattering). In her hands the bells start laughing insipidly and Quasimodo remarks on her magic. And Bam they are in love with a dumb song.

Jean-Claude capturing Melody Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude capturing Melody

When the song is done Melody sees her Mother’s donkey. The donkey tells her Jean-Claude took her mother and she and instruments leave the safety of Notre Dame to save her. They find her in barn laughing and dancing. But they get caught and Melody is taken by Jean-Claude.

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda in Jail awaiting death, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody,  in Jail awaiting death

Jean-Claude throws Melody into a jail cell and tells her that she is be executed tomorrow when the bell rings at dawn. The bells that Quasimodo gave her escape and tells the other instruments and Melody’s mom about the execution. They decide that they must stop Quasimodo from ringing the bells.

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody again Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Jean-Claude putting the moves on Melody again

The instruments rush up Notre Dame as people gather to Melody’s execution. Jean-Claude offers Melody to save herself if she renounces her Gypsy ways and has dinner with him. Melody tells him she can’t change who she is. The instruments stop Quasimodo from ringing the bells.

Melody and a handome Quasimodo Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Quasimodo swings down and saves Melody. Melody then sees that Quasimodo is actually hot. Quasimodo says if that is how Melody sees him then he must be handsome and that looks don’t matter. The moral of this shit feast is that looks don’t matter if you’re hot…and low self-esteem makes you unattractive…….. gah. The movie then interrupts itself for a song.

Melody and Quasimodo getting married Enchanted Tales Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody and Quasimodo getting married

Now that Quasimodo has some self esteem he tells off Jean-Claude which causes the people to revolt against Jean-Claude. Quasimodo and Melody then get marry at Notre Dame. The End

Next Time, More on the Plot

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda,Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody, a.k.a Not Esmeralda, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

 

 

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

I ran a poll for what terrible version I should review next. The two options were Secret of the Hunchback and the Enchanted tales version. Enchanted Tales: The Hunchback of Notre Dame won in the end. Say what you want about the Secret of the Hunchback at least it is a hunchback story, Enchanted Tales claims to be one but it’s not.

It has very very very little to do with hunchback story. I mean there is a hunchback named Quasimodo in it and he rings bells at Notre Dame and there is a Gypsy girl that he saves. But it’s vastly different in so many bad grave spinning ways. This movie is 40 minutes of torture and hell. So let’s start this descent into madness

The plot or something like it

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Melody & Quasimodo, Enchanted Tales, Hunchback of Notre Dame

These are the two posters from the Stage production of the Disney version of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. A note, the poster for La Jolla is used on their website and it may not be the official poster.

One is from the German version Der Glöckner von Notre Dame and the other is the poster from the upcoming La Jolla English language version.

Both posters are quite different. While both do have bells imagery Glöckner’s only hints at one while La Jolla’s makes it a focal point.

Der Glockner von notre Dame German Musical of Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Der Glockner von notre Dame German Musical of Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

Glöckner’s simplified Quasimodo gives the illusion that the show could have an upbeat tone but its lack of color does add a flavor of melancholy. I reviewed the show but I have not seen it but the show is bright and colorful but does have a sad ending. The square and vertical text work echos Notre Dame in a way. Otherall the poster is simple yet interesting.

La Jolla Hunchback Poster picture image

La Jolla Hunchback Poster

Where the Glöckner’s poster used a cool purple and black gradient for it overall color, La Jolla is the opposite, opting for a warm yellow tone. While the color yellow is typically cheery and bright this poster seems to have a shade of sadness. It’s a bell on a wooden bean with the logo on the bell. Behind is a setting sun. Setting suns usually indicate death. Moreover the lines on the bell and the wood make it look old and broken. There is no characters on it just the bell.

I like both posters in different ways. I like the singular bell of the La Jolla poster and I like the sad little Quasimodo figure. Both are very simple and that is their strength. If I had say what I dislike about them I would I say I don’t really like the shadow on Glöckner’s and I think the glow on the sun is too strong and white on the La Jolla poster.

Which poster do you like better, Glöckner or La Jolla?

QuasAs I was changing my Zazzle password, I decided to see what my top 5 most popular Hunchback items were and which were the least popular.  These are the top ones and next week the least popular ones.

#1 Just Dance
Just Dance, Esmeralda and Djali Tees
Just Dance, Esmeralda and Djali Tees by Hunchstore

#2 Team Frollo
Team Frollo Tee Shirt
Team Frollo Tee Shirt by Hunchstore

#3 Belle Keychain
Belle Keychains
Belle Keychains by Hunchstore

#4 Esmeralda Picture
A Color Illustration of Esmeralda Poster
A Color Illustration of Esmeralda Poster by Hunchstore

#5 Quasimodo Keychain
Quasimodo Keychain
Quasimodo Keychain by Hunchstore

The 1997 version of the Hunchback confounds me a lot. You pretty have the right actors for the characters and they do a fairly competent job with material they are given but the material given to them is so wrong for a Hunchback adaptation. It’s clear that this movie was emulating the 1939 Laughton version with the printing press and a very sympathetic Quasimodo but it fails to measure up became the execution is miserable.

It’s like if you have all the ingredients to make a simple chocolate cake but half through you decide that you want to make it your own except you have no concept of cooking so you just start throwing whatever you want in there like Bacon, Walnuts, Cherries, whatever. Then you’re surprise when it doesn’t cook right and no one likes it.

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Mandy Patinkin as Quasimodo

Quasimodo and Esmeralda are the least offensively bad but to be fair these types of versions of the characters that they are portraying are common. Humanize and sympathetic Quasimodos are the norm with film adaptions because the audience has to like Quasimodo despite his looks.

Salma Hayek as Esmeralda, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Salma Hayek as Esmeralda

Same goes for Esmeralda. Having a shallow immature girl is not the way to win over an audience. Having a strong confidence yet kind beautiful women works perfectly. Both of these character choices reflects an easy out. A Quasimodo and Esmeralda with a character arc would be hard to write. On could argue that Quasimodo’s arc would be realizing Frollo is a mean jerk face but since he is a villain that’s easy. THe real issue is with Esmeralda is that she doesn’t do anything in this movie outside of looking attractive . She gives Quasimodo water for feelings of guilt but that it. Her importance is just being there for Quasimodo and Frollo to react to and not doing anything.

Richard Harris as Frollo, 1997 The Hunchback picture image

Richard Harris as Frollo

Then there is colossal fail that is Frollo in this movie. The biggest issue with Frollo in this movie is that is obsession for Esmeralda is the result of feeling weak with regard to the king’s attitude on the printing press. His lust for Esmeralda feels like an afterthought and that shouldn’t be. The plot revolves around that. Once that decision was made other integral parts of the plot suffered like why would Esmeralda get the blame for the minster’s murder? Who saw the knife and knew it was her’s when it’s only in one scene? No Phoebus and Gringoire does nothing.

The 1997 Hunchback fails as Hunchback adaptation because Frollo’s lust set the story in motion. A failure to understand what drives the story is the reason why this version even with good castings fails.

Next time the Direction

Richard Harris as Frollo, 1997 The Hunchback  picture harris

Richard Harris as Frollo, yells No!

The Disaster Artist picture image

The Disaster Artist

Recently, I read The Disaster Artist which is an inside look at the making of The Room, which is called the Citizen Kane of bad films. If you haven’t seen it, see it! The Disaster Artist is also a very compelling read.

Tommy Wiseau the Room picture image

Tommy Wiseau

Fairly early in the book authors Greg Sestero and Tom Bissell liken The Room’s mastermind Tommy Wiseau to Quaismodo saying that Wiseau looks like “the Hunchback of Notre Dame following corrective surgery.” This is allegory is almost too true. Could you imagine Tommy Wiseau playing Quasimodo? That would amazing!

I mentioned Disney’s Mix and Match Villains Book in a post about the villain line but since then I have found my copy of it. Oh the fun of this thing.

The book is a game where you flip segments of a pictures and words to form absurdities.

Frollo's page Disney's Mix and Match Villains Book pictureimage

Frollo’s page

So for example the Hunchback page features Frollo holding a book with Quasimodo and Hugo off to the side and the text reads “Frollo sneered, I’m very disappointed in you Quasimodo.

With a few flips I can change it to this.

Ursula demands that only love's first kiss will awaken Quasimodo Disney's Mix and Match Villains Book  picture image

Ursula demands that only love’s first kiss will awaken Quasimodo

Oh such fun. Though I confessed as child I loved using Alice’s Head in the mix.

Frollo wants to marry Alice's Head Disney's Mix and Match Villains Book picture image

Frollo wants to marry Alice’s Head

(sorry for the bad pictures)