Esmeralda and Quasimodo Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Esmeralda and Quasimodo Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

The internet is full of crackpot theories. My favorite ones deal with either Game of Thrones and Star Wars. But then I read this crackpot theory, Could Anna and Elsa be Quasimodo’s Ancestors, which I don’t have to say is all kinds of wrong. But it got me thinking about my own crackpot theories and I thought of one that isn’t probably that super original or out there but it seems like it could be totally true, Are Quasimodo and Esmeralda related???

Quasimodo's Mother Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Quasimodo’s Mother Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

This theory only takes in to account the Disney version, since book wise it’s not true.  The first piece of evidence is the woman known as Quasimodo’s mother. She was a Gypsy woman who died protecting Quasimodo from Frollo.  I will say that it is unknown if she is actually Quasimodo’s biological mother or not given the difference of skin tone but MAYBE Quasimodo’s skin tone is part of his deformity. It’s possible so let’s just say, YES she is 100% his mother and Quasimodo’s parents are both Gypsies.

Esmeralda and Quasimodo Disney Hunchback of Notre dame picture image

Esmeralda and Quasimodo Disney Hunchback of Notre dame

Now I bet you’re saying, just because Quasimodo is a Gypsy and so is Esmeralda, it doesn’t make them relatives and YES, you are correct, that is not enough but I have other evidence, and it’s more compelling, eye color.

There are only FOUR characters in The Hunchback of Notre Dame that actually have eye colors. Those “characters” are Quasimodo, Esmeralda, that little girl who hugs Quasimodo at the end and if you look REALLY closely Quasimodo’s mother. Everyone else has black eyes including Phoebus and Frollo.  I’m going at one a limb and say that the little girl’s eye color reflects more of her innocent and is the expectation that proves the rule.

Eye color is not as simple as Mendel thought but green eyes are a recessive trait meaning both parents need to carry the gene. Now it looks like Quasimodo’s Mother has a dark blue color and it is possible for a blue-eyed parent to have green-eyed baby. The green eyes link Quasimodo and Esmeralda. It could be as simple as links them both a outcasts but then why both adding that touch color to Quasimodo’s Mother?  Their same color eyes links them in a world full of black eyes.

Esmeralda and Quasimodo Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Esmeralda reading Quasimodo’s palm Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame

So how are they related? I would say they are not siblings as Esmeralda was not with Quasimodo’s parents when they tried to entered Paris. It’s possible but very unlikely. I would say they are more likely cousins. And if they are cousins it makes it better that they are a couple. Plus Esmeralda treats Quasimodo with a type of older sister affection and Quasimodo treats Esmeralda school-boy crush.  They are better as friends.


What do you think? Do you think Quasimodo and Esmeralda could be related? And do have or know of any good, crazy or bad Hunchback theories?




Gargoyles sing to Quasimodo,The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Gargoyles sing to Quasimodo,The Secret of the Hunchback

If you had known two things about Secret of the Hunchback going before now it would have been Quasimodo is an angel and the singing “Jazzy” Gargoyles. Clearly this is what inspired Josh Brolin with his failed “jazzy” Hunchback movie.

This song is sung by a Gargoyle in Quasimodo’s dream, so unlike Disney this movie makes it clear that the Gargoyles aren’t real except when they cry, confusion. The subject matter on this song is just what you think, Quasimodo is awesome, fuck looks. The Gargoyle uses phrases like “out of sight,” and “doo-wa” to get this point across.

My God is this song just out of left field in terms of style. It’s Jazzy with its “Doo-was” and electric piano and cello that they back-up gargoyles are playing. One could make the  argument that Disney’s Gargoyles did this but they were more consistent throughout their movie, here it’s like a weird WTF slap in the face.

It’s a harmless dumb song but my brain can’t really process the utter dumbness of Doo-was and sunglass wearing Gargoyles for a few minutes.

Also this song feels much longer than it is, I blame the Jazz-y-ness.

Rupert Grint picture image

Rupert Grint

Rupert Grint was suggested by Neala897 to play Quasimodo. Grint is most known for playing Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter film series. So let me just make a VERY unpopular statement, I’m not a big fan of Harry Potter. I have seen most of the movies but the story and characters never captured me. I don’t hate it but it’s not my thing.

Rupert Grint picture image

Rupert Grint

One thing that Grint has going for him in my opinion is that he is young. You can’t know how tired I am of seeing 40 years old actors playing Quasimodo. So the idea of a younger actor playing Quasimodo is great. Also he already has the red hair so double perk. Also base looks for Quasimodo don’t matter that much since the make-up should do the work on that score.

Rupert Grint as Johnny in Moonwalkers picture image

Rupert Grint as Johnny in Moonwalkers

But Quasimodo isn’t so much about the make-up, it’s a physical and emotional role filled with a ton of pathos. Considering Grint played Ron, who is more comedic and his lasted role in Moonwalkers, Grint does comedy role more but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t pull off the role. I think with right director and script, he could pull off Quasimodo.

Rupert Grint picture image

Rupert Grint

I would say all things considered, Rupert Grint wouldn’t be my top pick to play Quasimodo but he would be a fine Quasimodo especially over all the over 40 year old dudes who want to place the role for vanity.

Esmeralda with Pierre and masked Quasimodo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda with Pierre and masked Quasimodo

Like as the case with MOST version of Hunchback aimed at kids the characters are overly-simplictic water down versions of the book characters mixed with touched of Disney. This version isn’t that much different except with regards to Frollo who is more of a copy of the Enchanted Tales version of Gaston. None of the characters are deep, they are just blandly nice, which makes them uninteresting.

Is it because these movies are for kids and kids don’t need as complex of characters? I don’t think that is true. While I think kids might have a higher level of torrence for bland nice character they still can gauge that they lack personalities. But the REAl reason why these are lack anything that makes the interesting save for the weird humor is this movie is a keep crash grab off of Disney  and bland characters are easier to create as no thought goes into being a nice person. One can’t just be nice.

Let’s just take any character from Moomins which is aimed at children too. All the characters are generally nice but they have other facets of their personality. Moomin is naive and adventure seeking, Little My is rude and Snork Maiden is vain. They all have flaws and that adds to the likable. Quasimodo’s only flaw is that he is ugly but aside from Frollo none of the other character have flaws, though Gringoire is delightfully bad a poetry.

So these character are boring version of the book characters/Disney. And yet they aren;r version of these character, Dingo and Enchated Tales are far worse.

Next Time we’re looking at the shitty songs

Frollo gave Quasimodo an ugly Christmas Sweater christmas 2015 picture image

Frollo gave Quasimodo an ugly Christmas Sweater

Pierre The Secret of the Hunchback picture image picture image


Pierre or as he more commonly known in Hunchback, Gringoire, has a lot of diversity in terms of the roles he can plays in Hunchback adaptations. He can be comic relief, the hero that saves Esmeralda or just the story teller. He is a bit like Phoebus whereas he can easily be a hero or a villain pending on the movie. Secret of the Hunchback use of Gringoire or Pierre isn’t that different but combines him as comic relief and hero. Also a you MIGHT have noticed, there is no Phoebus character and typically if Phoebus isn’t in the movie or has a tiny role, Gringoire is the hero.

Esmeralda and Pierre The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda and Pierre

For Gringoire to be the hero in a Hunchback movie he has to be Esmeralda’s love interest, which he is version. However his bad poetry in his first sense makes a comic relief. He also doesn’t do all that much to save the day, Quasimodo does most of the “work” i.e swings down and stops a wedding but Pierre helps and does “rescue” Esmeralda from Frollo once after the pillory scene. So he fit nicely into his two roles.

Quasimodo and Pierre The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Quasimodo and Pierre

Now, that being said how is as a character and how does he stack up next to his book counterpart? As far as he is in this version, he’s a nice guy, that’s pretty much it. He’s nice to Quasimodo and is his pal. This doesn’t make him compelling or interesting but his bad poetry at least made him enjoyable, so gets a pass from him. He also isn’t that much like he is in the book. In the book Gringoire was a cowardly whiner who still wasn’t that great a writer, so they got one thing right about him. But to be fair, getting Gringoire’s characterization right isn’t the most important thing about adapting this story.

Pierre The Secret of the Hunchback picture image


Also I just want to add that Pierre is a Protestant in this version. Which was for the sake of a joke.

Esmeralda and friends The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda and friends



Next Time  The Goons Esmeralda travels with

Esmeralda The Secret of the Hunchback picture image


The Secret of the Hunchback’s Esmeralda is what I always want in an Esmeralda and it makes me mad that she is so boring.

Esmeralda with Pierre and masked Quasimodo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda with Pierre and masked Quasimodo

This Esmeralda is nice, likes dancing, generally pretty for the art design and execution of the animation but she also sassy. She really is like a fucking Disney princess, I mean she spins and sings about wanting more from life. Which is exactly what Princess Yum Yum did in Arabian Knight or The Thief and the Cobbler whatever it’s called. And while I do like these traits there is nothing going on under that puffy hair.

Esmeralda The Secret of the Hunchback picture image


This Sassy Disney Princess type is what I think Esmeralda at her basic level should be for this kind of movie fair as it blends the Disney movie and the book.  However she is so bland. The most she does is says she was arrested for dancing, all sense of an interesting character is given away and then throw away in that one tiny line.

Esmeralda and Pierre The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda and Pierre

In the movie, Esmeralda is in league with these thieves and she dances as distracting. If you believe her little song, which why wouldn’t this movie isn’t complex, kindergarden math is more complex than this, but from her song she tells up that  she wants more out life. She is the arrested and made captive by Lord Frollo. She give Quasimodo water because she is nice and then Pierre Gringoire saves her. They fall in love  and she then gets kidnapped by Lord Frollo again and is forced into marrying him for why I don’t know. Quasimodo save her and that is it. At no point does she ever says how or why she teamed up with her companions. Ar they her family? We don’t know she hardly even talks to them and she doesn’t seem like them so yeah let’s just go with family.

Esmeralda The Secret of the Hunchback picture image


The thing with Esmeralda is that in the book at least her shallowness and childishness  makes her interesting, it gives her a weird sense of a complex character. She is not a nice angel she in other versions. Being a nice character in a movie isn’t interesting because the creators want the audience to like the character they present.

As it Esmeralda in this movie has no sense of character because she has no growth, she is static and that makes her boring. Her only line about her dancing is one line and it not enough that they rest of screen time is just a nice pretty lady being nice and pretty. They are local commercials with more adevance character arcs.

Esmeralda The Secret of the Hunchback picture image


I don’t hate her character because there isn’t anything to hate or like. Even her costume and design is a major yawn.

Next Time Frollo

Frollo singing, The Secret of the Hunchback, picture image

Frollo singing, The Secret of the Hunchback

Let us start off the character potion of the review with Quasimodo or the Hunchback in question.

Quasimodo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image


First off this Quasimodo, like other Quasimodos, he talks to his pals the stone gargoyles.  However these Garagoyles don’t take back they sing back and cry. This begs the question Are they real or imaginary. The dream song part leads me to believe yes they are imaginary but the tears say no they are real. Or is Quasimodo is imaging they are crying for him but that seems a little too out there for this kind of movie.

Quasimodo and Pierre The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Quasimodo and Pierre

Also this Quasimodo follows the other versions of being solely nice. He has one cheeky remark on Gringoire’s poetry being so bad that it could hurt someone but that is it. Which is more snarky than any other versions but it wasn’t that mean, just for a laugh at Gringoire’s expense.  Still without that one minor throw away joke he would have been 100% bland nicety-nice. The line give a .3% edgy factor. Good job!

Quasimodo and Frollo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Quasimodo and Frollo

Basic plot of Hunchback plot says that meany-face Frollo raises Quasimodo when Quasimodo is a young baby. This version forgoes this and he is raised by unnamed Archdeacon and a monk dude.

Other versions where Frollo is separte from his role as the Archdeacon still gives him a  relationship to Frollo for drama . Even the Enchanted Tales version gave Quasimodo and Frollo or whatever his named was in that crappy version, a connection of being brother. Oh Good God! I’m looking at the Enchanted Tales version as a positive, help me. So there is no real internal conflict for Quasimodo aside from being ugly aside from that is pretty chill and laid back.

Quasimodo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image


Would I say this Quasimodo is boring? Yes, I would. Aside from that joke about Gringoire’s poetry and the being an angel, he was a weak Quasimodo. No pathos, no drama just a nice angel.  Also his deformity is paint by numbers. It’s all accounted for but not interesting really all I can say is that it looks like he has some major dark circles.  At least he REALLY likes the bells.

The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Quasimodo in Angel form

Ok one more thing, in this version Quasimodo is an angel, so does that he born an angel and abandoned because of the ugliness? OR was always an angel and his being abandon part of a plan? Or was he never an angel and insane? I don’t know any option makes sense.

Next Time Esmeralda

Esmeralda The Secret of the Hunchback picture image



To get ready for Black Friday/Cyber Monday and Christmas the Hunchback characters are doing a secret santa.

Quasimodo picked Frollo and got him Opteka 650-2600mm High Definition Telephoto Zoom Lens for Nikon Digital SLR Cameras for Stalking Esmeralda better.

Esmeralda picked Clopin and got him Southpole Men’s Marled Full-Zip Hoodie Sweatshirt, so her can be fashionable and warm but it’s a shallow girt.

Frollo picked Fleur-de-Lys and got her a Selfie Stick, He doesn’t know her at all.

Ben Sherman Novelty Socks picture image

Ben Sherman Novelty Socks

Phoebus picked Quasimodo and got him Ben Sherman Novelty Socks, socks, not thoughtful at all.

Gringoire picked Master Florain and got him Plant Theatre Herb Garden Seed Kit , Gringoire thought he was being clever but I can’t see the deaf judge caring for it.

Clopin picked Sister Gudule and got her Zalman King’s Red Shoe Diaries Movie #15: Forbidden Zone, Clopin is being wicked with this one.


Outdoor Gargoyle statue picture image

Outdoor Gargoyle statue

Fleur-de-Lys picked Notre Dame de paris and got her Design Toscano Florentine Gargoyle Statue, Notre Dame could use a new cute statue.

Jean picked Djali and got her Caution Attack Goat Sign, gag gift

Sister Gudule picked Phoebus and got him 1 X Snowman Mug w/ Shovel Spoon – Christmas Decor, she know he liked a good drink but it’s super misguided

Djali picked Esmeralda and got her Quiddler, Djali likes words.

Notre Dame de Paris picked Gringoire and got him Une Nuit De Noel a Notre Dame De Paris CD, who wouldn’t ant a new Christmas CD

Master Florain picked Jean and got him Corkcicle Chillsner Beer Chiller, It’s useful but Jean won’t use it.

Quasimodo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image


Unlike other versions of The Hunchback of Notre Dame this one offers a reason for Quasimodo’s hunch and ties it into the moral. In this version Quasimodo is an actual angel and one not metaphorically. His hunch hides is angel wings. The moral of this version like all the kiddies version of this story is be nice to people even ugly ones. But in this one case they take a whole new step further because you should be nice to people because they could be angels and you do not want to get on an angel’s bad side.

The Archdeacon noticing something odd about Quasimodo's hunch The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

The Archdeacon noticing something odd about Quasimodo’s hunch

In the scope of Hunchback kids moral this is is REALLY stupid. It’s not as horrible as The Enchanted Tales version where it was looks don’t matter as long as someone thinks you’re pretty.  This one is just so strong handed that it makes you want to face palm yourself receptively.

Esmeralda and Pierre The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda and Pierre

But how does the rest of the movie hold up. Again it’s REALLY dumb and overly simplified. He do get some of the major basic that the story demands. First off Quasimodo lives in the safety of Notre Dame and loves the bells. Esmeralda dances which she seems to like just not the thievery of her companions. The Gringoire equivalent just simply called Pierre is bad at poetry, likes Esmeralda and is nice. Esmeralda gives Quasimodo water after he gets into some trouble that was not his fault.  Esmeralda gets into some trouble and Frollo is obessed with her. Quasimodo swings down from Notre Dame to save her albeit it’s inside Notre Dame and she is about to marry Frollo by force and not about to die… meh same difference.

Frollo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image


That is more less the basics that were left somewhat intact. Frollo is completely different though. Aside from having a little thing for Esmeralda he is now a Sheriff much like he is in Enchanted tales but here is just wants money more specially Notre Dame’s money and he use Quasimodo as leverage against the Archdeacon. So there is another split of Novel Frollo’s character as the obsessive pervert and the pious protector of Quasimodo, it been done so many times that who the fuck cares, just like everyone surviving the ending sans Frollo who here gets crushed by a Gargoyles, though he could have lived, it’s not really important.

Quasimodo is just being Quasi The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Quasimodo is just being Quasi

By all counts this version is dumb. It’s not as insulting as Enchated tales as it does feel like a Hunchback versions and not a really misguided Beauty and the Beast with sprinkling of Hunchback thrown in knock-off Disney movie but it’s quite dumb for lack of anything else that is remotely deep or interesting.

Also does any one else think it’s weird that Frollo’s voice actor is the narrator?

Next Time The Humor

Rotten Vegetable vendor The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Rotten Vegetable vendor