The Secret of the Hunchback Esmeralda; 5% Sassy, 25% Standard Princess, & 70% Snooze Fest

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Esmeralda The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda

The Secret of the Hunchback’s Esmeralda is what I always want in an Esmeralda and it makes me mad that she is so boring.

Esmeralda with Pierre and masked Quasimodo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda with Pierre and masked Quasimodo

This Esmeralda is nice, likes dancing, generally pretty for the art design and execution of the animation but she also sassy. She really is like a fucking Disney princess, I mean she spins and sings about wanting more from life. Which is exactly what Princess Yum Yum did in Arabian Knight or The Thief and the Cobbler whatever it’s called. And while I do like these traits there is nothing going on under that puffy hair.

Esmeralda The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda

This Sassy Disney Princess type is what I think Esmeralda at her basic level should be for this kind of movie fair as it blends the Disney movie and the book.  However she is so bland. The most she does is says she was arrested for dancing, all sense of an interesting character is given away and then throw away in that one tiny line.

Esmeralda and Pierre The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda and Pierre

In the movie, Esmeralda is in league with these thieves and she dances as distracting. If you believe her little song, which why wouldn’t this movie isn’t complex, kindergarden math is more complex than this, but from her song she tells up that  she wants more out life. She is the arrested and made captive by Lord Frollo. She give Quasimodo water because she is nice and then Pierre Gringoire saves her. They fall in love  and she then gets kidnapped by Lord Frollo again and is forced into marrying him for why I don’t know. Quasimodo save her and that is it. At no point does she ever says how or why she teamed up with her companions. Ar they her family? We don’t know she hardly even talks to them and she doesn’t seem like them so yeah let’s just go with family.

Esmeralda The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda

The thing with Esmeralda is that in the book at least her shallowness and childishness  makes her interesting, it gives her a weird sense of a complex character. She is not a nice angel she in other versions. Being a nice character in a movie isn’t interesting because the creators want the audience to like the character they present.

As it Esmeralda in this movie has no sense of character because she has no growth, she is static and that makes her boring. Her only line about her dancing is one line and it not enough that they rest of screen time is just a nice pretty lady being nice and pretty. They are local commercials with more adevance character arcs.

Esmeralda The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda

I don’t hate her character because there isn’t anything to hate or like. Even her costume and design is a major yawn.

Next Time Frollo

Frollo singing, The Secret of the Hunchback, picture image

Frollo singing, The Secret of the Hunchback

The Secret of the Hunchback Quasimodo; 99.7% Bland Nice Guy

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Let us start off the character potion of the review with Quasimodo or the Hunchback in question.

Quasimodo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Quasimodo

First off this Quasimodo, like other Quasimodos, he talks to his pals the stone gargoyles.  However these Garagoyles don’t take back they sing back and cry. This begs the question Are they real or imaginary. The dream song part leads me to believe yes they are imaginary but the tears say no they are real. Or is Quasimodo is imaging they are crying for him but that seems a little too out there for this kind of movie.

Quasimodo and Pierre The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Quasimodo and Pierre

Also this Quasimodo follows the other versions of being solely nice. He has one cheeky remark on Gringoire’s poetry being so bad that it could hurt someone but that is it. Which is more snarky than any other versions but it wasn’t that mean, just for a laugh at Gringoire’s expense.  Still without that one minor throw away joke he would have been 100% bland nicety-nice. The line give a .3% edgy factor. Good job!

Quasimodo and Frollo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Quasimodo and Frollo

Basic plot of Hunchback plot says that meany-face Frollo raises Quasimodo when Quasimodo is a young baby. This version forgoes this and he is raised by unnamed Archdeacon and a monk dude.

Other versions where Frollo is separte from his role as the Archdeacon still gives him a  relationship to Frollo for drama . Even the Enchanted Tales version gave Quasimodo and Frollo or whatever his named was in that crappy version, a connection of being brother. Oh Good God! I’m looking at the Enchanted Tales version as a positive, help me. So there is no real internal conflict for Quasimodo aside from being ugly aside from that is pretty chill and laid back.

Quasimodo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Quasimodo

Would I say this Quasimodo is boring? Yes, I would. Aside from that joke about Gringoire’s poetry and the being an angel, he was a weak Quasimodo. No pathos, no drama just a nice angel.  Also his deformity is paint by numbers. It’s all accounted for but not interesting really all I can say is that it looks like he has some major dark circles.  At least he REALLY likes the bells.

The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Quasimodo in Angel form

Ok one more thing, in this version Quasimodo is an angel, so does that he born an angel and abandoned because of the ugliness? OR was always an angel and his being abandon part of a plan? Or was he never an angel and insane? I don’t know any option makes sense.

Next Time Esmeralda

Esmeralda The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda

 

Hunchback Secret Santa

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To get ready for Black Friday/Cyber Monday and Christmas the Hunchback characters are doing a secret santa.

Quasimodo picked Frollo and got him Opteka 650-2600mm High Definition Telephoto Zoom Lens for Nikon Digital SLR Cameras for Stalking Esmeralda better.

Esmeralda picked Clopin and got him Southpole Men’s Marled Full-Zip Hoodie Sweatshirt, so her can be fashionable and warm but it’s a shallow girt.

Frollo picked Fleur-de-Lys and got her a Selfie Stick, He doesn’t know her at all.

Ben Sherman Novelty Socks picture image

Ben Sherman Novelty Socks

Phoebus picked Quasimodo and got him Ben Sherman Novelty Socks, socks, not thoughtful at all.

Gringoire picked Master Florain and got him Plant Theatre Herb Garden Seed Kit , Gringoire thought he was being clever but I can’t see the deaf judge caring for it.

Clopin picked Sister Gudule and got her Zalman King’s Red Shoe Diaries Movie #15: Forbidden Zone, Clopin is being wicked with this one.

 

Outdoor Gargoyle statue picture image

Outdoor Gargoyle statue

Fleur-de-Lys picked Notre Dame de paris and got her Design Toscano Florentine Gargoyle Statue, Notre Dame could use a new cute statue.

Jean picked Djali and got her Caution Attack Goat Sign, gag gift

Sister Gudule picked Phoebus and got him 1 X Snowman Mug w/ Shovel Spoon – Christmas Decor, she know he liked a good drink but it’s super misguided

Djali picked Esmeralda and got her Quiddler, Djali likes words.

Notre Dame de Paris picked Gringoire and got him Une Nuit De Noel a Notre Dame De Paris CD, who wouldn’t ant a new Christmas CD

Master Florain picked Jean and got him Corkcicle Chillsner Beer Chiller, It’s useful but Jean won’t use it.

The Secret of the Hunchback; That weird Humor

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Frollo and his goon The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Frollo and his goon

If I might generalize for a moment, most Disney Knock-off movies try to capture and fail to make their work as Disneyesque as they can. They do this the first the story, songs, and characters designs. But they lack the charm that Disney has in terms of likabilty and even humor.

Rotten Vegetable vendor The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Rotten Vegetable vendor

While Disney’s humor is very hit or miss The Secret of the Hunchback is very different and it isn’t really trying to be like Disney in the way the approach their silliness.

Bell guy getting bumped on the head The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Bell guy getting bumped on the head

The jokes and visual gags of The Secret of the Hunchback is one of the first thing that you notice about this version, even before the main characters are introduced you get the style of humor.

Andre in drag with some guy drooling over him The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Andre in drag with some guy drooling over him

The humor is more akin to that of Animanicas or saturday morning cartoon. It’s very tough and cheek. From the rotten vegetable vendor, from Quasimodo telling Pierre that someone could get hurt from his poems, to one the thieves dressing in drag and having an extra sexually attractive to him, to Frollo comparing Quasimodo to his first wife,  and lastly Pierre saying that he is a Protestant, which technically shouldn’t have been a joke but they treat it as one. There is more example and more slapstick, plus jazzy gargoyles.

Esmeralda and Pierre The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda and Pierre

This humor isn’t the Disney style. It’s  watered Looney tunes humor which makes this version weirdly interesting on that front. Without it would suck so much more but it does add to The Secret of the Hunchback’s over all dumbness.  It defiantly makes it stand out though from just another stupid insipid Disney knock-off.

Next Time Quasimodo

Quasimodo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Quasimodo

Peter Chernin to make Esmeralda POV movie

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Esmeralda (Gina Lollobrigida) with Phoebus (Jean Danet), 1956 Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Esmeralda (Gina Lollobrigida) with Phoebus (Jean Danet), 1956 Hunchback of Notre Dame

Last week it was announced  that one Peter Chernin was developing a new Hunchback of Notre Dame movie from Esmeralda’s perspective. This is a big deal for a few reasons.

First and foremost this idea originally was announced in 2013 as an idea for Once Upon a Time. Once it was announced that was the last anyone heard about it. It’s very unclear if this movie idea came from the Once Upon a Time idea or is a separate concept.

Second this is the first movie since the freaking lost films that Esmeralda as the focus character. Evert movie version since 1923 has been a Quasimodo movie. This also mean most movie versions made are vanity projects lead by a 40 something male actor looking to play emotional yet physically demanding role.

Looking in to Peter Chernin who is not and actor or a director but a business man turned producer who has his own production, Chernin Entertainment. So it’s more likely that this film will happen than other film version that are being made who wanted to be made. Though Max Ryan’s upcoming version which is set to start filming in Serbia is an independent movie.

Also all the new outlets that have report on this are calling it a Live-action. This that either they are connecting it to the Disney version because of the trend of live-action Disney movies is REALLY big right now, they are confused or does Chernin have titles to Disney? That is unclear and it’s still really early in development. But it’s fun that there are two new Hunchback movies in the works, good or bad.

Also one person on http://screenrant.com/hunchback-notre-dame-esmeralda-retelling/ implied Mila Kunis, Penelope Cruz, Aishwarya Rai, or Vanessa Hudgens for the role of Esmeralda. To which I say;

maybe, interesting because her sister Moinca was listed in negotiation for Esmeralda for the Max Ryan movie in like 2007, pushing it on age and her Hollywood debut never really panned out but we could get a kickass dance number if they cast a Bollywood actress, and lastly nope please no on Hudgens.

 

I hope they give the role to a new actress but I doubt they will but it will depend on Esmeralda background who they cast. I wish they would go with Esmeralda’s original backstory but they don’t I don’t care that much.

 

Who do you want to play Esmeralda?

 

The Secret of the Hunchback plot review; Literally tells you what it is!

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Quasimodo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Quasimodo

Unlike other versions of The Hunchback of Notre Dame this one offers a reason for Quasimodo’s hunch and ties it into the moral. In this version Quasimodo is an actual angel and one not metaphorically. His hunch hides is angel wings. The moral of this version like all the kiddies version of this story is be nice to people even ugly ones. But in this one case they take a whole new step further because you should be nice to people because they could be angels and you do not want to get on an angel’s bad side.

The Archdeacon noticing something odd about Quasimodo's hunch The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

The Archdeacon noticing something odd about Quasimodo’s hunch

In the scope of Hunchback kids moral this is is REALLY stupid. It’s not as horrible as The Enchanted Tales version where it was looks don’t matter as long as someone thinks you’re pretty.  This one is just so strong handed that it makes you want to face palm yourself receptively.

Esmeralda and Pierre The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda and Pierre

But how does the rest of the movie hold up. Again it’s REALLY dumb and overly simplified. He do get some of the major basic that the story demands. First off Quasimodo lives in the safety of Notre Dame and loves the bells. Esmeralda dances which she seems to like just not the thievery of her companions. The Gringoire equivalent just simply called Pierre is bad at poetry, likes Esmeralda and is nice. Esmeralda gives Quasimodo water after he gets into some trouble that was not his fault.  Esmeralda gets into some trouble and Frollo is obessed with her. Quasimodo swings down from Notre Dame to save her albeit it’s inside Notre Dame and she is about to marry Frollo by force and not about to die… meh same difference.

Frollo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Frollo

That is more less the basics that were left somewhat intact. Frollo is completely different though. Aside from having a little thing for Esmeralda he is now a Sheriff much like he is in Enchanted tales but here is just wants money more specially Notre Dame’s money and he use Quasimodo as leverage against the Archdeacon. So there is another split of Novel Frollo’s character as the obsessive pervert and the pious protector of Quasimodo, it been done so many times that who the fuck cares, just like everyone surviving the ending sans Frollo who here gets crushed by a Gargoyles, though he could have lived, it’s not really important.

Quasimodo is just being Quasi The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Quasimodo is just being Quasi

By all counts this version is dumb. It’s not as insulting as Enchated tales as it does feel like a Hunchback versions and not a really misguided Beauty and the Beast with sprinkling of Hunchback thrown in knock-off Disney movie but it’s quite dumb for lack of anything else that is remotely deep or interesting.

Also does any one else think it’s weird that Frollo’s voice actor is the narrator?

Next Time The Humor

Rotten Vegetable vendor The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Rotten Vegetable vendor

The Plot of The Secret of the Hunchback

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Sigh…… I’m going to try to keep this short for my ever diminishing sanity. Also I may butcher some of the names because A: There is no cast list I can find and B; I don’t care.  Hooray for lack of effort.

The Archdeacon and Brother Labas with Baby Quasimodo The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

The Archdeacon and Brother Labas with Baby Quasimodo

The movie opens with some narration about how Notre Dame in Paris is a safe haven for those who need it, in this case the people who are different. A pox on the ugly!  They we see someone leaving off a baby at Notre Dame. The baby is taken in by the archdeacon and one Brother Lebas. They raise the baby and make him the bell ringer because the baby made it clear he liked bells. They name him Quasimodo.

Frollo threatening the Archdeacon The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Frollo threatening the Archdeacon

Flash forward year and Lord Frollo, the sheriff of Paris is trying to extort gold from Notre Dame for protection. The Archdeacon and Brother Lebas refuse and Frollo threatens them and Quasimodo.

Quasimodo and Pierre The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Quasimodo and Pierre

That day there is a Day of Fools and Quasimodo gets a mask and goes. There he meets a shitty poet named Pierre and Esmeralda. Esmeralda is a beautiful dancer who in leauge with Gyspies that steals why she entertains. She dancing with both Pierre and Quasimodo. Quasimodo face gets exposed during the dance and panic ensues. The Gypsies and Esmeralda are arrested for starting a riot. Pierre and Quasimodo the bond over how people aren’t what they appear to be and Esmeralda’s beauty.

Esmeralda The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Esmeralda

The Gypsies and Esmeralda are brought to Frollo. Frollo takes a liking to Esmeralda. Frollo’s little minion has the idea to use the Gypsies to kidnap Quasimodo and he keeps Esmeralda to ensure their corporation.  The Gypsies decide to have the fat guy dress up as Esmeralda to lure Quasimodo to watch her dance.

The Archdeacon noticing something odd about Quasimodo's hunch The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

The Archdeacon noticing something odd about Quasimodo’s hunch

Quaismodo is then sentenced to being whipped. Esmeralda gives him some water which angers Frollo. Pierre helps Esmeralda escape. The archdeacon then notice something about Quasimodo’s injury.

Frollo and Esmeralda's wedding The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Frollo and Esmeralda’s wedding

That night  Esmeralda and Pierre pledge their love but return to Notre Dame to help Quasimodo once their they are caught by Frollo. Esmeralda is forced into marrying Frollo but Quasimod saves her. Frollo and Quasimodo fight and Quasimodo is thrown over the egde but holds on. Frollo is then crushed by a gargoyle statue. Quasimodo falls once he knows the Archdeacon, who had been arrest by Frollo is safe. Before Quasimodo hits the ground he unleashes his wings and falls off.

Plot review Next Time

The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Quasimodo in Angel form

 

 

Scary Scenes: The Most Horrific Thing any Hunchback version

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Few things in Hunchback are a terrifying as bad version of Hunchback. There are actually many awful version of this story either though laziness of acting, writing production values, editing and directing but there is one version that takes it such a degree that it truly the stuff of Nightmares.

I of course mean the Dingo version. Doesn’t Djali look evil?

Esmeralda and Djali with Gringoire, Dingo Hunchback of Notre Dame picture image

Esmeralda and Djali with Gringoire, Dingo Hunchback of Notre Dame

I mean just look at that, that is crap never known to the world before. One has to work to be so lazy, so bad. It someways it like a weird surreal art piece, some commentary of the human condition to wonder at the odd and sincere. To reveal in the discourse of humanity. It is true terror, or just lazy pile of shit.

We’ll get more in more into the Dingo version later, I’m too scared to review it after a month of scary stuff.

So for the next version let’s look at another infamously bad version of Hunchback.

Gargoyles sing to Quasimodo,The Secret of the Hunchback picture image

Gargoyles sing to Quasimodo, The Secret of the Hunchback

More singing Gargoyles? This going to give me nightmare too.

Maureen O’Hara (1920-2015)

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Esmeralda Smiling, Maureen O'Hara 1939 HUnchback of Notre Dame picture image

Maureen O’Hara as Esmeralda 1939 Hunchback of Notre Dame

As many of you may already know, yesterday Maureen O’Hara died peacefully at her home in Idaho at the age of 95.

O’Hara has been hailed as the queen of Technicolor. Her filmography was very long and included some very well regarded movies like The Quiet Man (1952), How Green was my Valley (1940), and Miracle on 34th Street (1947), just to name a few, she had many.

Hunchback of Notre Dame was her hollywood debut and I maintain that it was the best movie version of Hunchback.

I do recommend reading her autobiography. It’s a really engaging read that captures her passionate fiery personality.

In her autobiography, written with longtime manager John Nicoletti, O’Hara wrote:

“When I was young, I didn’t think I was at all pretty. I was told only that I had a sulky, pouty face. Ironically, after I got to Hollywood, I resented that I didn’t get a crack at more dramatic role because I photographed so beautifully. More than anything, though, it was the way I used my eyes that caused audiences to look deep inside my characters to see what else was there.”

 

 

 

Anti-Hypothetical Casting for Esmeralda; Kim Kardashian

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Kim Kardashian picture image

Kim Kardashian

In my life I have to live with the fact that I have two thing in common with Kim Kardashian, which is two more than I could ever wish. One we are both half Armenian and we share the same birthday though a years apart. Because you may not know it though I do, today is our (eww) birthday. So because I like to scare myself  today we have a terrifying casting idea  which is Kim Kardashian as Esmeralda.

Kim Kardashian as Ava from emptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor picture image

Kim Kardashian as Ava from emptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

First off, No! A thousand times NO to this one! Kim Kardashian couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag even if her role was a paper bag. The lady CAN NOT act. I saw a clip from  Temptation:Confessions of a Marriage Counselor in which she played, I have no idea, some lady named Ava. But in that one clip I could see that she was vapid, flat and unpleasant to watch. It’s like she had no idea what acting is or how to read a line.  It wasn’t even that bad kind of acting that is special to behold, it was like wanting to hammer yourself in the head till it stopped.

I maintain my position that Esmeralda is not a complex role to play but Esmeralda as a role is beyond Kim Kardashian acting powers. Now to be fair Kim Kardashian is not known for her acting prowess, she know she for a sex type and being a reality show star, whatever that means. So the mere idea of her being Esmeralda goes against the concept of the original character, a pure girl who is unaware of sexual appeal.

Kim Kardashian picture image

Kim Kardashian

On the acting front she is a Hell No but let’s not forget what acting is really about, how much a person looks like the character. I would say  Kim Kardashian could look like Esmeralda. Esmeralda has dark exotic yet European beauty at least in the book. As I said Kim Kardashian is half Armenian which is also what Helene Segara is ethically. Unlike Helene Segara, Kim Kardashian has a classic Armenian look. While I don’t think Esmeralda was Armenian in the novel, though we don’t know what her father was so she could be anything, Sister Gudule did wonder if Esmeralda could have been the Queen of Armenia in the book so shrugs. My guess it was an exotic place to Sister Gudule but it’s cool that it was mentioned. So Kim Kardashian gets a pass on looks. Though she is a little too old for the role.

Kim Kardashian picture image

Kim Kardashian

Never have I been more scared of an Anti-Hypothetical casting posting. I mean Anti-Hypothetical and Kayne West could do this if the wanted to and can you imagine Kayne West playing Quasimodo opposite Kim Kardashian  as Esmeralda. Being in a slasher flick would be less painful.