review | The Hunchblog of Notre Dame

28May 2015

Legend Review; I swear you can hear Naviâ€™s â€œHey Listenâ€ at one point.

by jess

Legend

When I got it in my head to these Live-action Fairy tale-like movies, I ended using IMDB lists to get movie ideas. Many movies I had never heard or knew anything about and Legend, a film by Ridley Scott and released in 1985, was one movie that I had never even remotely heard of before. So prior to watching it I just read a quick little summery on google and based solely of the first three words I knew this movie was going to be the greatest and best movie in the history of the human experience. Those words were and I quote “Darkness (Tim Curry.)” I mean how could this movie not be greatest movie ever with that casting? But then I watched the movie…

Mia Sara as Lili with the Unicorn

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the movie in parts. The plot is a Princess named Lili and a forest dude named Jack sees some unicorns which are scared animals that keep the darkness away, Darkness is also literally the fricken Devil. Also Unicorns in this world make Humpback Whale noise, how confusingly awesome is that? As Jack and Lili are viewing the Unicorn, Darknessâ€˜ minion are trying to kill the unicorns. Lili pulls a taboo and touches one of the unicorn which gives the minion the opportunity to get the male unicornâ€˜s horn which freezes the world except for Jack and Lili and fairy type Children of the Forest like people (pardon the Game of Throne reference there) the main one is named Gump.
Anyway, Lili* and the female unicorn get captured by Darkness so Jack and the good fairy type people have to save her and unicorn. Most of it solving riddles and going into dungeons. Darkness also falls in love with with Lili and her tries really hard to woo her and even gives her a sexy black gown, her scene when she dancing with the gown is great. Lili then tricks Darkness to let her kill the unicorn but she frees it instead and then they all save the day and the unicorn comes back to life, hooray Jack and Lili smooch.

(*I have seen her name spelt Lily but IMDB had it Lili so I will just go it that)

Tim Curry as Darkness

Ok so what is GOOD about this movie? Well for starters, it has a really good look. It’s both cheesy and dark. I have seen people complain about the use of glitter on the set pieces but it adds the style and flair of the movie. There is nothing so great as cheesy dark fantasy from the 1980’s.

Mia Sara as Lili in her evil gown

Second, the parts with Darkness and Lili (Mia Sara) are really engaging. They are the most interesting parts of the movie as they just play off each well as they have way better chemistry than Lili has with her lame love interest. But also I really have a soft spot for romances between demonic-type dudes and innocence maidens, like Hades and Persephone. But I think most people would agree that those scene are great if for no other reason than Tim Curry.

Mia Sara as Lili and Tom Cruise as Jack

I also I like Lili as a character. She is both naive, romantic, impulsive but she tries to fix her mistakes and does own up to them and she does stand up for herself. I also like that she didn’t scream when she saw Darkness but gasped. It was a nice touch. Also her being a seductive femme fatal to save the unicorn and persevere innocence was a nice reversal.

Tom Cruise as Jack with David Bennent as Gump

What really drags the movie down, down are the adventure parts. They are not bad but they are chalked full of Jack scenes. Jack is played by Tom Cruise and let me just say, Cruise sleepwalks through this movie and for a guy playing hero that is just appalling and most of the movie’s run time.

What is good about the adventure scene is that they are very much like the Legend of Zelda. There are rumors that the creator of the Zelda games, Shigeru Miyamoto, used Legend as inspiration and yeah I can see that especially in the riddle solving and Onna, the fairy gave shades of Navi at one point. If only Jack had been more like Link and not a comatose victim.

Mia Sara as Lili and Tom Cruise as Jack

All in all, the darker parts of Legend are really great and imaginative but anytime Jack enters the frame prepare for lots of massive yawns. But I would recommend this movie because “Darkness (Tim Curry!!!!!)

21May 2015

The Red Shoes Review; Waiter, there is a Movie in my Ballet!

by jess

The Red Shoes

The Red Shoes is a take on the story by Hans Christian Anderson of the same name and gives it a modern take, and by modern I mean 1948. I had no knowledge of this movie beforehand, I just randomly found it on a live-action fairy tale list and I really wanted to like it and most people seem to enjoy it. I mean it has a 96% on rotten tomatoes and it won and was nominated for a few academy awards including Best Picture. However I really didn’t enjoy this movie and let me tell you why.

Moira Shearer as Vicky practicing

Basically it follows aspiring ballerina named Victoria Page, or Vicky. She lands a spot in this fancy ballet. Also there is this aspiring composer named Julian Craster who also gets into the company. The Ballet is ruled erm run by this seemingly ruthless dude named Lermontov.

So one day the principle ballerina decides that love is good and leaves the ballet to get married because honey you can’t do both as love ruins dancing according to meanie-face Lermontov. So Vicky gets the lead in a new Ballet based on Hans Christian Anderson’s The Red Shoes. Craster is conducting and wrote the score. He and Vicky butt-heads about tempo but the ballet goes well and their careers pick up. Then they fall in love and they leave the ballet. Craster writes an opera and Lermontov lures Vicky to perform The Red Shoes again. Craster leaves his opera opening night to make Vicky chose between him and dancing the part. Vicky can’t choice as dancing is like breathing to her so she kills herself Anna Karenina style. Her dying wish is for the red shoes she is wearing to be removed and The Red Shoes is performed without Vicky but the spotlight follows her as if she was dancing. And my friends, that is a 2 hour and ten minute movie.

Moira Shearer as Vicky

Now before I tell you why I disliked this movie, I will tell you what I did liked, besides when it ended. The best part of the movie and what held my interest was the ballet proportion. The movie presents The Red Shoes ballet is its entirety and it was really magical. I really like that Moira Shearer, the actress who played Vicky was a ballet dancer first. It seems to me that ballet was the reason for the movie. Like the story and characters were built around that.

Moira Shearer as Vicky having to choice between love and dancing

That being said this movie broke the first rule of screenwriting, SHOW, DON’T TELL! They did that with the ballet and it was magic but the rest of the movie was all tell. The big plot of the movie is Vicky’s struggles with love and dancing and that plot thread was like thirty minutes tops.

In fact Vickey and Craster’s love story was blatantly told to us. We didn’t see them fall in love they just said that they were so in love. They literally have three conversations and one they were arguing about tempo and them BAM they’re in love. WHAT THE FUCK Movie?

You know what this means? Anakin and Padme have a more believable love story in Attack of the Clones than Vicky and Craster, at least Anakin and Padme spoke more to each other. I should never, ever point to the Star Wars prequels as positive unless it’s a costume. I feel so dirty, thanks movie.

Moira Shearer as Vicky

Also, I never saw Vicky’s need for dance and that is kind of what linked her to the story of The Red Shoes, the addiction and it leading to downfall, pain and death. Didn’t get that from her character. I mean she said she needed to dance but the feeling of her yearning for dance was not expressed just said.

Moira Shearer as Vicky with Anton Walbrook as Lermontov

The Red Shoes was shot in Glorious Technicolor but I didn’t see the glory, I just saw dull brown tones. It just made everything seem more boring than it had to be. For a movie called The Red Shoes, the shoes should have popped more and yes they probably could have done something to that effect is late 1940’s. And again only the Ballet had interesting color tonalities. (see 2022 edit below I more or less retract this paragraph.)

Also the shots seemed more for a stage than a movie and the scene that was literally on a stage seemed more cinematic. Was that a style choice or did they just really liked the ballet scene over the rest? I’m going with the second one.

Moira Shearer as Vicky

The acting was also dull. The ONLY time I felt emotion which is needed to fairy-tale movie was in the Ballet scene, figures, and I guess the ending but with the ending it was too little too late. There was like no build up to Vickey pain and it was dumb of Craster to make her make that choice. I mean the movie tried to paint Lermontov as this demon who hated love but Vicky and Craster expressed as much love as limp dish towels. It was WAY too forced to be effective.

Also was it just me or was the actor playing Lermontov doing a Lawrence Olivier impression? It was both hilarious and jarring.

Moira Shearer as Vicky

One truth there is to fairy tales is they are emotional pieces, not logical, not deep but they evokes feelings. I don’t need all my movies to have compelling characters with deep stories but all The Red Shoes evoked from me were yawns, except for the ballet part, if that had been the movie it would have been great.

Oct 2022 edit – I recently rewatched this movie and it wasn’t not all that 2015 me wrote. For starters the version I was watching might not have been restored because 2015 me complained about the colors and the shoes not popping well that wasn’t an issue this time around. Or I watched a version that wasn’t high quality or my setting were bad. There are numerous reason but I was wrong, It’s fine. I also wasn’t annoyed by the acting.

I do wish the film considered making more of point of the jealous between Vicky, Lermontov and Craster more. I do think the love story was a more in name only since it was less about “love” and more possession. I read a brief analysis from Adrienne McLean (on wiki) which is “ Victoria seems pushed by those she loves who would rather possess her than support her,” and that the film ultimately illustrates the impact of “ruthless personalities” can have on “the weaker or more demure.”

Lermontov is the embodiment of the red shoes pushing her to dance even though her human nature compels her to stop. This is mostly obvious to smart people but I only caught on this watching, though to be honest I wasn’t paying much attention on my first viewing either. I guess Craster would be the expression of humanity but it’s a shade unclear why Vicky doesn’t dance or met her ambitions after she goes off with him but he can write his opera. Can she only dance under the shadow of all consuming obsession?

I do not disagree that the triangle is more about possession and not supporting Vicky. Honestly I just wish we got more of Vicky and Julien’s dynamic before and after they left the ballet. So yes I was wrong with regards to this movie though I maintain that the Ballet segment is amazing.

14May 2015

Three Wishes for Cinderella; The Power of Nuts

by jess

Three Wishes for Cinderella

Today’s movie, Three Wishes for Cinderella, is interesting. By interesting, I mean watching it, I couldn’t find it nor get a DVD of it with English subtitles so I had to watch it without subtitles and then I watched it again with this British guy narrating it, which was weird but I least I understood the story better.

Three Wishes for Cinderella, or as it’s sometimes called, “Three Nuts for Cinderella” and I’m immature enough to giggle when I see that, is a 1973 Czechoslovak/East German movie starring LibuÅ¡e Å afrÃ¡nkovÃ¡. So did I mind watching this movie twice as most movies I struggle to even make it twenty minutes before suppressing the urge to kill myself? Nope, this movie was charming.

LibuÅ¡e Å afrÃ¡nkovÃ¡ as Cinderella with Pavel TrÃ¡vnÃÄek as the Prince with his pals

It’s your basic Cinderella story. Cinderella has a step-mother and step sister who hate her while every else loves her. Though this movie is quite different from other versions. Cinderella is forbidden to ride her pretty white horse and Step mother makes her keep busy by mixing peas and lentils together and makes Cinderella sort them, which is a tasks that her dove friends do for her.

One day, when the King, Queen and the Prince are heading to a castle in the vicinity, Cinderella sneaks out and visit her pet owl and meets the prince. Well she throws a snowball at him and gives him the run around and then steals his horse. The Prince is impress that someone other than him could ride his horse.

The step-Mother weasels an invite to the ball. The send the stewart to get fabric. He offers to get Cinderella gift. Cinderella wants to go to the ball but dejected that they step-mother would never let her go she asks her to bring back what ever hits his nose. On his way back the prince hit the stewart’s with a bird nest and he find three hazelnuts which he gives to Cinderella.

Cinderella takes the hazelnuts to her owl and tell him that she wishes she could fly ways but to even leave she would need a disguise. The owl motion for her to open the hazel and out pops a huntsmen costume. She then runs into the prince who is having a contest where the first one to shot down a bird of prey wins a ring, Cinderella wins the contest and once again impresses the prince. She then runs off and the prince chases after her. She take off her disguise and give him the run around again.

As the Step-mother and sister get ready for the ball, Cinderella ask if she could just look in through the window, which her step-mother respond by making sort the peas and the lentils again. However she once agin gets help from the doves. She them goes to her owl. For her second wish she wishes for a pink ball gown that looks like the dawn. She goes to the ball and wins the love of the prince who wants to marry but before she agrees she gives the prince a riddle, which is something like, ” Dirty face but now a chimney sweep, A Feather hat but not a huntsmen, a ball gown but not a princess.” Which is her but until he can answers it she won’t be his wife and he runs out the ball to her horse and leaves her shoe. Oh and in this version she wears a veil so no can recognize her which means the Prince follows for her grace and charms over her face.

The Prince follows her to the manor but can’t find her. I think her Step-mother does something to her when she figures it out but I’m not sure what. Cinderella escapes though, I guess and goes to her owl and the last wish is a wedding gown. Cinderella reveals herself to the prince and they ride off to the castle on their horses.

LibuÅ¡e Å afrÃ¡nkovÃ¡ as Cinderella

What is interesting about this movie is that for a lot of European specifically in Germany and Norway, though there could be more countries, this is THE movie to watch on Christmas Eve because it has a nice winter setting, which is both refreshing and has a nice romantic feel.

LibuÅ¡e Å afrÃ¡nkovÃ¡ as Cinderella on her horse

What I really like about this move version is Cinderella herself. So often Cinderella is accused of being too passive and marrying a guy she doesn’t know. This Cinderella hunts, rides, is kind, mischievous and smart. And much like another Cinderella who fits these traits, that we’ll get to someday (~~Cough~~ Ever After ~~Cough~~), she also meets the Prince by throwing something at him. Also LibuÅ¡e Å afrÃ¡nkovÃ¡ just looks like a great Cinderella as she is quite beautiful but in a charming natural way. She was just perfect.

Also with the her wearing a veil and the Prince meeting her a few times their love is a bit more believable, though it didn’t seem she was really interested him and she did let him off the riddle hook quickly, but it’s more than original story.

LibuÅ¡e Å afrÃ¡nkovÃ¡ as Cinderella with her owl

The changes they made to the story were great as the owl and hazelnuts act as the fairy godmother and there is no coach just her horse. There was just enough magic without any real frills. It was just good emotions

LibuÅ¡e Å afrÃ¡nkovÃ¡ as Cinderella with Pavel TrÃ¡vnÃÄek as the Prince

I will say there are some weird cinematic choices. I think it might be more the the style of 70’s cinema than artistic expression but there are some weird closeup that are off-putting but the last shot is stunning as they ride off into the distance against pure white snow, it was rather magical.

LibuÅ¡e Å afrÃ¡nkovÃ¡ as Cinderella with Pavel TrÃ¡vnÃÄek as the Prince at the ball

Being costume freak I am I have to discuss Cinderella’s Ball gown, First off, I really like the motif of the gown. She looked like a sunrise with a soft pink and blueish tones. Many Cinderella are either in blues and white that pink is a nice color choice. Also I love, love the fire bird on the back of the train and on the sash.

However I din’t really like that this gown was style of the times and didn’t really fit into the rest of the costumes. It was the point of the costume but they didn’t even try to make it the mingle the style of the 70’s with the time period of the movie. Though Å afrÃ¡nkovÃ¡ looked lovely and it was a fun scene, so I forgive it a little bit.

LibuÅ¡e Å afrÃ¡nkovÃ¡ as Cinderella with a dove

Three Wishes for Cinderella is a very refreshing take on Cinderella plus an Owl and Horse play a critical role so clear it’s a great movie.

I will say the ONE thing I didn’t like was all the hunting but that is me being sensitive, also that music they played all the time got a little old.

07May 2015

Beastly Review; The world didnâ€™t need a Twilight Beauty and the Beast movie

by jess

Beastly

There is no amount of alcohol that I could safety consume that would make this movie, Beastly, remotely okay. Unlike some other movies I get why this was made, Twilight proved to be a cash-cow, so other people went for and copied it and low and behold someone wrote a book of a modernized version of Beauty and the Beast, except it’s devoid of anything likable and engaging. So let’s just get this over with.

Alex Pettyfer as Hunter/Kyle and Vanessa Hudgens as Lindy

So rich kid Kyle is an attractive asshole running for student body president because it looks good. Kyle is a shallow dick because the film makes it clear that his dad doesn’t love him enough and his mom is dead or something, I wasn’t paying attention to the movie, it was the only way to get through it. So yeah Kyle doesn’t have love in his life.

So he pisses off the school’s resident goth girl which equals witch and he is cursed with ugliness. Ugliness in the movie’s context is bald, scarred and tattoos, okay sure whatever movie, you have already shown yourself as shallow fuckery. SO he has to hear the word “Love” by the spring or else he will stay unattractive forever, which in this movie is tantamount to cancer.

His father is jerk who has him live in exile, which is outside of New York City with only a maid and a blind tutor. He then arranges for some girl from his school to stay with him because some drug guy wants to harm her or something. He also kind of liked her when he was pretty. He then goes by the name Hunter to hide his identity from her and then conforms his personality to get her to like him and then voila they are in love and blah happy stupid ending. Also the issues of the maid and the blind guy are fixed with the witch’s magic. And world peace broke out, oh wait no, just an asshole learned love and kindness are better than being a dick, yawn.

Alex Pettyfer as Hunter/Kyle with Neal Patrick Harris as Wll the blind tutor

So before I get into the movie, though really what is there to say, the wording on the spell is that he has to hear the word love. That doesn’t mean romantic love. If the maid or tutor had said love in a platonic way does that count? A puppy would have loved him because puppies are awesome, would that have work or do we need the word? Would a different language worked or is the spell English-specific? Minor thing but it really the whole thing. The dude needed to learn how to love but is romantic love the end-all be all love?

Alex Pettyfer as Hunter/Kyle and Vanessa Hudgens as Lindy

That was issue number one; the language of love, here is issue numero dos. In a place like New York, you would think there would be a sub-culture that would have been into the whole beast look this movie went with, with its bald, scarred tattoos. I mean I know this a shallow movie but geeze movie he was hardly that ugly.

Alex Pettyfer as Hunter/Kyle and Vanessa Hudgens as Lindy

Despite the stupid and shallowiness of this movie is the movie like a good movie with good shots and characters? Hell no. I can’t even recall anything about the look of this movie other than it had like a blue tone to it but as for shots I don’t remember shit. And characters, the main character goes from jerk to in love but I don’t really recall him making any super big changes unless you count him asking the witch to help the maid and tutor. But that seemed more because the original story had the Beast’s servants cursed too, so it was shoe-horned in the movie because of the source material not because he was being nice.

The girl, Vanessa Hudgensâ€˜ character, I want to say her name is Libby, no it was Lindy which was short for Linda…..sigh…….. Anyway she was ummmmmmmm, I’m not sure. I guess she had one motivation which was to go Machu Picchu, which seemed like a random location but whatever. Other than that I don’t think there was much to her personality, she was rather bland. No, wait, I take it back, she liked jujyfruits, clearly she is the most compelling character in this or any century.

WAIT, he gave her jujyfruits and built a green house to impress her, basically flowers and chocolates. Just when I gave this movie a little credit it does that. How Fucking dare you movie, I take back my sarcastic back-handed compliment, you don’t even deserve that much.

Alex Pettyfer as Hunter/Kyle with Mary-Kate Olsen as Kendra the witch

Beastly is a shallow vapid movie that was made to cash-in on the pretentious teenage movie trend that Twilight created.

Also in that scene where they are watching that Korean show and they were claiming to know what they saying, even with my meager knowledge of Korean, I knew they went not saying love, fuck you movie, and fuck your shallow pretension.

30Apr 2015

Ladyhawke Review; The hawk and the wolf were the best actors

by jess

Ladyhawke

My first experience with this movie is an episode of The Critic by the same name. To be honest I had no idea it was a play on a movie but when I was looking at live-action fairy tale movies this one from 1985 crossed my path. From the start I was pumped, I wanted to like Ladyhawke. It was a fantasy movie from the 80’s, Fuck yeah, but then the credits with most cheesiest 80’s music you could ever imagined ended and this snooze-fest began.

Rutger Hauer as Navarre with Isabeau in Hawk form

Actually, the beginning with Matthew Broderick’s character, Philippe “The Mouse” Gaston was fine. Broderick plays this thief who is the only person to escape this place call Aquila, that is run by this dweeb Bishop, if he has a name I don’t care. No, where this movie gets bad and quite boring is when Philippe meets Captain Navarre a.k.a the plot. You see Navarre has this hawk and him and the hawk are cursed. The hawk is actually his lady love, Isabeau, played by Michelle Pfeiffer. Isabeau is cursed to be a hawk by day and Navarre turns into a wolf by night. They can only see each other in human form for a few fleeting moments.

Turns out the bishop cursed them with the powers of satan no less because he wanted Isabeau. Geeze a holy guy being obessed with a pretty lady, where have I heard that one before? Let me think…… oh yeah The Monk , that book sucked.

Not going to lie, I wasn’t playing that much attention but here is what I think happen. Navarre wants to kill the bishop even though that would mean they can’t break their curse. To break the curse they have to appear together in human form before the bishop. Navarre wants Philippe to sneak him into Aquila. Navarre is told by some monk guy that there is a day when there is no day and night or something, it’s an ellipse. Why couldn’t the monk guy just say that? Drama. Navarre goes to fight and tells the monk dude that if he hear church bells to kill Isabeau, which is stupid but in the end it all works out, they break the curse and I got to stop pretending to pay attention.

Michelle Pfeiffer as Isabeau

So why was this movie bad? Well much like some major criticism of Disney’s Hunchback this movie has no idea what it wants to be, it has no identify. Is it a darker fantasy? A light fantasy? A comedy? Some movies and TV shows has such great writing that they blended the genres into a balanced and cohesive story. Ladyhawke does not. And I will get this out of the way, the stereotypical 80s music does not even help one iota. If anything it just further confuses.

Matthew Broderick as Philippe “The Mouse” Gaston

Then there is the acting, it sucks. The only characters I believe are the wolf and the hawk and the horses too. At least I believe that they were the animals they were. Otherwise the acting was either hammy or bland. If the tone had been more comedic, Broderick’s would have been fine but his dramatic parts were boarder on PAINFUL and the dude who played Navarre, one Rutger Hauer, I swear was channeling Charleston Heston the whole movie, which was weird.

Frankly the only character who has any personality was Broderick’s character and that is because practically all his lines told us what his character was like, no need for acting.

Navarre as the wolf

However some movies just like to say “fuck it, style over subtense,” so you might think this movie was all about the style. Well maybe that is true but I didn’t see anything that resembles style. The editing was weird, the costumes were boring, and most of the shots were too dark to really see anything. In fact I think this movie was the opposite, it was all about the subtense, that the love story was movie and tragic.

Michelle Pfeiffer as Isabeau with the evil bishop

The love story might have been good if the characters were not so stupid or if they had personalities, maybe if their back story was a flashback instead of a monologue told to us by the monk dude. With a flashback we could have felt for Isabeau and Navarre more. Speaking of their curse, why fuck would the devil make THAT the curse the bishop would use. Turning a couple into animals at difference times of the day sounds more like mark of witch for pissing her off or something not the devil for a dude who wants a woman. Also we know an ellipse is like a loop-pole but are there other loop-poles? Like a serve overcast day? IS the curse really time specific to the sun? Would sunblock have helped? I don’t know this story seems better on paper than as a movie.

Michelle Pfeiffer as Isabeau

Ladyhawke is a boring and genre confused movie with little logic and no likable characters. Of all the 80’s fantasy movies this one is better left forgotten. Though it could be worse, it could be a shallow high school remake of Beauty of the Beast, wait that is the next movie isn’t it? Cries.

09Apr 2015

Stardust Review; Where Shinies Save the Day

by jess

2025 Edit- In light of the realization that Gaiman is in fact a monster, don’t watch this movie unless the work truly hope a deep and special place for you. Support the actors and the creatives other works but this movie is marred.

Stardust is a big-budget movie based on a book by Neil Gaiman from 2007. This is one is special. I say that because this one of the very and I do mean very rare cases where I read the book before I saw the movie, however I don’t remember the book, I remember it was good though but we’re here to talk about the movie and it’s alright.

Claire Danes as Yvaine, Stardust picture image — Claire Danes as Yvaine

The movie is set in the Victorian period in England. Young Tristan lives in a village near a wall that beyond has whole another world of fantasy things. In this fantasy world, there is the kingdom of Stormhold, where the king is dying. And much like the highlander there can be only one heir, so the seven princes have kill each other but they also have to find some gemstone and return it’s color to it or something. The king sends it so high that it knocks a star out of the sky and to earth. Tristan sees it and decides to the he will get the star and bring it back to a girl he likes. Then it a race to get the star as witches are after her too for immortality and there are also sky pirates. Hooray! Oh and Tristan is really the son of the princess of Stromhold which mean he is crown king and he marries Yvaine a.k.a the star.

Charlie Cox as Tristan and Claire Danes as Yvaine Stardust picture image — Charlie Cox as Tristan and Claire Danes as Yvaine

I left a TON out because it would have taken FOREVER. The plot is interesting but it is overly complex for what is supposed to be a fun fantasy adventure with fairy tale elements. I don’t mind complexity but there are a lot if thing working against this movie that makes the plot just go on and on. Though it all does come together nicely though that is the book’s work and not really the movie.

Michelle Pfeiffer as Lamia and Claire Danes as Yvaine stardust picture image — Michelle Pfeiffer as Lamia and Claire Danes as Yvaine

My main issue with this movie it the pacing. Some parts are like super rushed and some part drag on and on. Like that final fight, some parts were cool but it went on too long. Like why did Lamia (main witch villain lady) do a fake out? What was the point? I just found myself bored.

Charlie Cox as Tristan, Claire Danes as Yvaine, and Robert De Niro as Captain Shakespeare stardust picture image — Charlie Cox as Tristan, Claire Danes as Yvaine, and Robert De Niro as Captain Shakespeare

The timing and pacing problems might have been okay to deal with if the characters were better. Tristan is just kind of boring. Yvaine is just sort of mean and not very charming. Lamia and the Sky pirate captain, Shakespeare are sort of enjoyable but you can tell the actors are hamming-it-the-fuck-up. I did like the dead prince ghost party. But the the bad princes who kills all his brother save for like one, Septimus, looked and acted like Richard Armitage from the BBC version of Robin Hood. It was really uncanny.

Michelle Pfeiffer as Lamia stardust picture image — Michelle Pfeiffer as Lamia

So we’re left is an overly complex plot that is fairly enjoyable and the technicals. The technical are okay at best. The sets, costumes and camera work are all good, not amazing but solid but the CG work is hokey. Like really cheesy. I was not a fan and it’s a fantasy movie that was operating that it had impressive special effects.

Charlie Cox as Tristan and Mark Strong as Septimus Stardust picture image — Charlie Cox as Tristan and Mark Strong as Septimus

Despite its flaws, Stardust is okay. I just wish the main characters were more charming or not so over acted but the overacting helped with the fun quota so I guess it’s forgivable.

02Apr 2015

Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister Review; Telling it both ways

by jess

Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister

The first Live action movie we’re going to look is the 2002 TV movie Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister. It’s a retelling of Cinderella This was an interesting movie, first off notice how it’s ugly and not wicked, this is because the main is one of the step sister and not so much Cinderella.

Azura Skye as Iris with Matthew Goode as Casper

The step sisters, Iris and Ruth flee England with their mother, Margarethe to Holland. They are poor so they start living with an artist. The artist uses Iris as a model and his apprentice, Caper takes a liking to Iris. They get in with a wealthy merchant who has a lovely daughter named Clara who is scared to leave her house as she was kidnaped when she was child.

Margarethe is a greedy women who wants to be rich so she uses her knowledge of potions, which is why she left England, to win the affections of Clara’s father and marries him. The merchant loses his fortune. Margarethe hears that there is a ball where the Prince will pick a wife and and is determined that Clara should win his attention with her superior beauty. Clara says she won’t do it and become the kitchen maid so she be alone and coins Cinderella as her name. Margarethe then decides that Iris is her best bet. However Clara then decides she will go to the ball as Iris loves Casper and she wants Iris to be happy. Margarethe however forbids it and burns Clara’s gown.

Clara goes to the ball with the help of her Godmother which was a woman that stalked her and scared her. She tell Clara that there is a dress in attic and she turns a rat into her slippers.

At the ball Iris does managed to charm the Prince with talk of art but the Prince falls for Clara’s beauty. And the next day he comes to their house with the slipper. Before Clara tries the slipper on Margarethe asks her to take care of Iris and Ruth but in the end Clara says that she will look after Margarethe too and yay happy ever after.

Jenna Harrison as Clara

My biggest issue with this movie is that there is great sense of realism that gets muddled towards the end. Like the slipper is made from magic but there is no other magic in the movie. It just doesn’t fit. Also the prince and Iris had great scene where they discuss art. It gave the impression that the Princes was interesting but when he saw Clara all that went out the window and he just based his love of looks but before that there was a set-up that he was above that. They should have just had a scene where Clara and the prince find a commonality but they really didn’t.

Azura Skye as Iris

I did find the characters interesting. Margarethe was greedy but she valued courage which is why she doesn’t like Clara. Clara is sheltered, scared and introverted which isn’t something you see a lot of in stories especially for a character is that pegged as a nice beauty. Iris, the main character has the whole beauty on the inside though the actress playing her is quiet pretty so it a hard sell that people called her ugly or at least not that pretty. Though she meant to be talented, smart and witty whereas Clara isn’t as much. Which is sort of an interesting counterpoint. The rest of the character are likable.

Jenna Harrison as Clara

The technical are meh but it’s a TV movie. The costumes are alright but I do appreciate that they did get the Holland fashion at the time, black with white lace look. But it was just meh.

Azura Skye as Iris

Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister is okay. It an interesting take on the classic Cinderella story but I found the plot kind of overly complexed and I wish they kept it more real as that was its intent. But I bet this it could have been worse.

The Book version

26Feb 2015

The Tale of the Princess Kaguya Review; Suteki na Eiga

by jess

The Tale of the Princess Kaguya

Let’s be real here The Tale of the Princess Kaguya is perfect oscar bait. How so you may ask? Well the different categories have their own unique types bait. Animation though really doesn’t so much as critics liked it and it was it animated. However The Tale of the Princess Kaguya tips into the foreign film bait as it was produced by Japanese animated powerhouse, Studio Ghibli in 2013.

First off it’s cultural story, the academy eats that shit up, it has a sad ending, oh they love that, tears replenish their electrolytes and it’s done in an interesting animation style. Now I’m being little insulting as I think the Academy Awards are pompous and self-congratulatory, just because something is nominated or wins it doesn’t make it good. So is The Tale of the Princess Kaguya a good movie? OMG, yes, it’s wondrous.

I watched this in Japanese with English subtitles. It was directed by Isao Takahata.

Kaguya with a caged bird

The story of is based on a classical Japanese folk story called The Tale of the Bamboo Cutter from the 10th century, a.k.a The Heien period. I read it once ages ago but let’s just focus on the movie and not its merits as an adaptation.

One day a Bamboo cutter sees a glowing stalk of bamboo, when he goes to investigate it he sees a tiny girl. He thinks she is a Divine Princess and takes her home. He shows her to his wife and the girl transforms into baby. The girl grows up very quickly and she makes friends with the local boys and enjoys her rural life.

The Bamboo cutter finds gold and fine clothing and thinks that the heaven means for the girl to grow up in the capital as a proper princess. So the Bamboo cutter takes the girl and his wife away from their mountain home to the capital where the girl is groomed to be a proper Heien lady, which is contrary to her free-spited personality but she complies. When she comes of age she is given the name of Kaguya for the light she seems to radiate.

Rumors then circulate about Kaguya’s beauty and five suitors ask for her hand in marriage. They all liken her to legendary treasure. Having to interest in marriage Kaguya asks each of them to bring her the treasure. Two try and fake the treasure, one abandons the quest, one tries to woo her with lies and one dies. Having caused misery to them Kaguya goes in to a state of depression. The Empeors then tries to pursues Kaguya and asks her to be his and against her father’s wishes Kaguya refuses. The Emperor then visits and embraces her and she vanishes. ZShe reappears and the Empeor withdraws but still wished Kaguya to be his. But the die has been cast because when the Empeor embrace her Kaguya wished in her heart for the moon to take her away and that wished is too be answered.

Kaguya tells her parents that she is really from the moon. While on the moon she has committed a crime by wishing to go to Earth and having a mortal life after a Celestial lady had experience it. She then tells them that on the 15th the Moon Host will come for her because she has wished for it but she doesn’t want to leave.

Kaguya and her servant then go back to her hometown where she runs into one her friends, Sutemaru, with whom her had a strong bond. She tells him that she would have been happiest with him. He tells her that he will protect her and that they should run away. They fly into the sky but Kaguya is torn from him and he awakens in the feild and thinks it was a dream and returns to his wife and child while Kaguya return to the capital.

Her family tries to protect her but the Moon host comes for her and once a moon robe in placed on her she will forget everything of her life. Kaguya and her parents beg for a moment but the robe is put on her as she hugs her parents.

As Kaguya arrives on the moon she looks back at the Earth with tears in her eyes.

Kaguya as a baby and her parents

This story is a universal story about the exception of parents and the happiness of children. Parents do their best but they always want their children to do better than them though sometimes that doesn’t bring the child happiness. It’s an ageless story that speaks to vast audience.

Kaguya is the bamboo grove

If I had one complaint with the movie is towards the middle it gets a little boring. Japanese film have a history of being stylistically slow which can add to the mood but it is an acquired taste. I would say that the pacing is good though as weird as that might be to say that it slow but the pacing is good. Otherwise it a lovely movie and my crummy write up doesn’t do it justice.

Kaguya and Sutemaru

The characters are fairly simple but they have complexities. Kaguya’s father is well meaning but does place high expectations on Kaguya. The mother is a little more of the salt of the Earth and understands Kaguya’s longing for the rural life more. Kaguya’s governess, Lady Sagami, is strict but well-meaning. Kaguya’s main love interest, Sutemaru is not that interesting as a character but you do root for them. I really loved Kaguya’s servant, Menowarawa, she is adorable.

Kaguya

Kaguya is the most established character. It’s a coming of age tale so we see her grown-up from an active girl to a bright graceful lady. Though even when she is a proper lady she doesn’t lose that natural spark she has throughout the beginning of the movie. That being said this type of character is nothing new, it’s been done a billion times but Kaguya is likable so she doesn’t feel like a rehashed character.

Kaguya running away

The main selling point of this movie is its animation. It has muted tone which I very often sight has a negative but here it’s not. The animation has a very story-book like quality to it, almost like a scroll from the Heien period. Two scenes that really stick out to me is Kaguya running from her naming party where the animation takes on this sumi-e, brush stroke energy and the second is where Kaguya and Sutemaru fly. That scene was gorgeous. I don’t think the animation willl be to everyone’s liking but I appreciate it style, elegances and mood.

Menowarawa

The Tale of the Princess Kaguya is a very poetic movie that has all the right elements to be considered a masterwork. I think this might be one the best film from Studio Ghibli and that is saying a lot.

19Feb 2015

Happily N’Ever After Review; The Movie Literally Tells you it gets Worst

by jess

Happily N’Ever After

I would like a moment of silence for all the films that never were and never will be because this movie exists. How many GOOD were passed over for this? Who sold their soul to get this green-light? Or is this movie the result of pure aged-old Hollywood nepotism? Or was it solely as cheap Shrek cash in? What method was it movie is it because it wasn’t made for its compelling plot, charming characters or it’s sense of style?

Well the Subject line gives it away but it’s the 2006 fuck-feast Happily N’Ever After. It was made by Vanguard Animation and released by Lions Gate Film. It was pretty much panned on its released and has a 4% on Rotten Tomatoes, but is as bad as all that? Let’s just say I was a lot less happy after this shit ended, though I like when it end.

Ella and Step-Mother Frieda

In Fairy-tale land, lame name, there is a wizard who keeps fairy-tales in balance and he has two assistants, who are a Timon and Pumba knock-off meets Sorcerers Apprentice. The Wizard the goes on Vacation. While that is happening Cinderella a.k.a Ella, is getting ready for the ball. There is also a dude-bro named Rick, who is the prince’s only servant and he likes Ella. So they go to the big stupid ball and the step-mother over hears the two assistants talking and she takes over and tips the scales so Ella’s dress vanishes and the Prince leaves to go off to find her.

The rest of the movie is Ella trying to find the Prince while fighting off fairy-tale baddies. She then defeats the Step mother and picks Rick-the-dick in the end.

Munk and Mambo

So what is wrong with this movie? Well to put it very concisely, Everything! First the story. It been done before or if not it just felt stale when it thought it was being new. To the film’s some-what credit there was something interesting about fighting fate but the movie was more concerned about making lame jokes than having a pulse, so that anything of substance was an after-thought.

The Prince

The characters are also annoying. The hero, Rick is the biggest whiner. There was nothing remotely likable about him. The prince, while as a massive twit, as was his point, but he was marging more likable in his idiocy. The step-mother was a boring villain, whose motivation was just because. The Timon and Pumba knock-offs, whose names are Mambo and Munk are well Andy Dick and Wallace Shawn, take that for what you want. Some of the other side characters are okay like Rumpelstiltskin and the Dwarves. I really only mildly chucked twice in this movie’s run time, TWICE!

Ella

Then there is Ella, the princess character of this waste of celluloid. Her design is really bad. I don’t know who they were referencing but she was not pretty. Half the time she just looked sleepy. Also who idea was it to put her in such a short skirt. It was jarring. Well her looks aren’t great but how is her personality? I’m not sure. They movie claims she is girly and optimistic. Ok, yeah she kind of acts that way but if that isn’t a cliche Princess personality I don’t know what is it. She was boring and that is the long and short of her character.

Ella and Rick

So the characters, story and the dialogue are all garbage but people can forgive that if the movie looks good, so how are the visuals? If you said they suck you’re right, I mean there are pictures in the post after all.

Every character in this look cold, plastic and artificial. There is just nothing interest in the visuals. Also the movement of the characters is not fluid at all, it very stilted and awkward. half the time it looked like bad stop-motion animation but you know if the movie had been stop-motion at least it would have been more interesting because there is nothing that interesting about 3d animation anymore, it’s just cheaper. I suppose that was the stylisitic intention of Happily N’Ever After, Cheap, like a two dollar hooker.

Ella, Munk and Mambo

Happily N’Ever After is as enjoyable as constipation. A good punch in the face is preferable. And how dare you use the Monster Mash, that song is sacred, Sacred I say!

And just to add to the insult of this movie, it got a sequel, which I’m not watching, though Snow White got a better design that Cinderella.

12Feb 2015

Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas Review; Wait what does the Book do again?

by jess

Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas

Guess what? We have another Dreamworks film! This time it’s the 2003 movie Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas. Bless this little movie’s heart, in same ways it wants to try but it feel very half-hearted.

Sinbad and Eris

A pirate name Sinbad wants to steal this treasure called the Book of Peace, really movie that is the best name you could think up? He wants it so he retire to Fiji. So Sinbad attack the ship the book in on, on its way to Syracuse. As he attacks, the Goddess of Discourse Eris sends Cetus, sea monster as she wants the book too. Sinbad sees that the Book is guarded by his childhood pal, Proteus, the Prince of Syracuse. Cetus attacks and Sinbad and Proteus fight it and Sinbad leaves without the book but he gets knock off into the sea and mets Eris.

Eris tells Sinbad to get the book for her and she will give him riches. Sinbad makes his way to Syracuse but abandons the plan when he sees Proteusâ€˜ fiancee Marina. Eris however disguise herself as Sinbad and steal the book. Sinbad is arrested and claims Eris did it. Proteus defend his pal offers himself in Sinabd place. Sinbad is told to go to Tartarus, Eris’s realm to get the book back in ten days or Proteus will be executed. Sinbad agrees buy decides to head to Fiji.

However Marina, Proteusâ€˜ sea loving gal sneaks on the ship and pays Sinbad to go Tartaus. They get into a few scrapes from Eris like Sirens and the Roc and Sinbad and Marina go from disliking each other to love. Sinbad also tells her the the reason he left Syracuse ten year prior to the movie is because he feel in love with her but she was promised to Proteus.

So they make it to Tartarus and Eris reveals her whole plan, that she knew Proteus would sacrifice himself to Sinbad and that Sinbad would be a jerk and not return if he could get the book which would leave Syracuse in chaos without an heir, Eris makes Sinbad a deal that if Sinbad truthfully tells whether he will return to Syracuse to accept blame and be executed she will surrender the book. Sinbad say he will but she calls him a liar. However as Protues is about he be beheaded Sinbad shows up accepts his death. But then Eris shows up and gives back the book because when gods makes a promise they have to keep it. So everyone is happy and Proteus gives up Marina and she and Sinbad hit the open sea together the end.

Sinbad and Proteus

Let’s just tackle the BIG issue with this movie. Sinbad is Persian in origins not Ancient Greek. This movie have nothing to do with Sinbad or any legends of the seven seas. Sinbad was just used in the title for name recognition. Hey, if you want to tell a Sinbad story great, do it but this isn’t one. And hey, if you want to tell the story of Ancient Greek Pirates who have to deal with evil scheming Godess, fantastic that is great but don’t use Sinbad’s name, use one of the Ancient Greek Pirates, or make something up. I suppose Sinbad could be Persian since he only mentioned he lived in Syracuse at only point in his life and he said nothing about where he was born, so the film could have mitigated Sinbad’s origins and the style but they didn’t so it an issue.

Also this films get some other things wrong, like Fiji. I’m going out on a limb here, Fiji wasn’t known to the Ancient Greeks. Maybe I’m wrong but Ancient Greeks Shipping routes kept to the Mediterranean and Fiji is in the South Pacific. I get that Sinbad is explorer and goes everywhere but it’s just on those things that takes you out of the movie, like Sinbad using the word Sushi. Since I’m being am nitpicking for fun, Sushi’s origins in Japan can be traced to 8th century.

Also while I’m on a nitpicking spree, Tartarus wasn’t Erisâ€˜ hangout it was used a dungeon of torment and the prison for the Titans. Anyway now let’s just talk about the film proper.

Sinbad and Marina

Sinbad is a Small Big movie. It has adventure but aside from some minor character development it doesn’t mean to much too in the ending . Also when it comes down to it the resolution is handle very quickly. It’s a small story told like it’s a big sweeping epic when it’s not. If it wasn’t for Eris padding out the movie the adventure part , which is the selling point, wouldn’t have happened.

Also this movie took it’s conclusion from Hercules where the Gods keeps their word but the humans don’t.

Sinbad and Marina

Then we have our characters. Sinbad is a rouge al la 1940’s Pirate movies. Really he is fine, sort of snarky but he’s fine . Proteus is nice I guess, he does have much of a character outside proper gentlemen who can fight type. Marina is feisty but that is all I can really say about her. The dog is fun.

But really the only character I liked was Eris, who is just this femme fatal type but I think part of her charm is her animation.

Sinbad and a CG Siren

The animation is odd. It’s a combination of Hand drawn characters with CG everything else. For the background it was fine for the most part but the monsters looked bad and sometimes the characters against the CG backgrounds looked awkward. The only time it worked was with Eris and that is because they kept her otherworldly and in dark so the contrast wasn’t as strong and meld better.

Also the sirens looked Way better than Cetus, that island thing, Roc and Tartarus.

That being said why don’t the character wear Grecian clothes? Again just takes me out of the movie. Like Eris in a chiton could have had really animation. I’m not sure what the rest of character are wearing though it looks vaguely Arabic expect the movie clearly has that Greek setting. It’s weird unless they were supposed to be in lost in execution?

Sinbad

Despite it’s weird decisions Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas is just a okay but boring movie. It just feels like it was giving about 50%.

So Marina’s name means the Sea and Sinbad loves Marina which means he loves the sea. Ha, so clever, It’s just like The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, muir also means sea in Old Irish.

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Tag Archives: Review

Legend Review; I swear you can hear Naviâ€™s â€œHey Listenâ€ at one point.

The Red Shoes Review; Waiter, there is a Movie in my Ballet!

Three Wishes for Cinderella; The Power of Nuts

Beastly Review; The world didnâ€™t need a Twilight Beauty and the Beast movie

Ladyhawke Review; The hawk and the wolf were the best actors

Stardust Review; Where Shinies Save the Day

Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister Review; Telling it both ways

The Tale of the Princess Kaguya Review; Suteki na Eiga

Happily N’Ever After Review; The Movie Literally Tells you it gets Worst

Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas Review; Wait what does the Book do again?

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